I heard someone say “the fence is down,” and by that they meant the fence of your school, your family, your church, your friends, who were once a fence around you, saying, “This is the type of person that you are,” or “This is what you are and are not allowed to do,” or “This is what is and is not appropriate.” That fence drops way down as soon as you get to college, and I saw that instantly. First day on campus, your parents drive away, no one knows you…. Suddenly I was faced with this situation in which I could literally have recreated myself in some ways if I wanted to, and nobody would have known that I had ever been any different.
— Emily
When I started college I was the person that my parents wanted me to be. Now I feel like I found myself.
— Max
In the summer of 2010, MTV launched a reality show called If You Really Knew Me. The producers traveled to high schools around the country and gave kids a chance to expose the “real me” to each other and the world. Episode after episode, “normal” kids — jocks, nerds, beauty queens, class clowns, the gamut of stereotyped adolescents — revealed to the cameras that who they are on the outside is not who they really are. The most intriguing part of the show was how every kid was desperate to integrate and reconcile the “real me” with the “outside me” they lived at school. It’s not that the kids didn’t know who they were; it’s that they had lots of “real me’s.”
In its efforts to captivate its adolescent viewers, MTV devoted this show to one of the most pressing questions your child will ask growing up: “Who am I?” This question haunts every teenager, especially during high school and early college.
In my (Chap’s) work studying kids, I’ve received hundreds of notes, poems, letters, and songs expressing what adolescents think and feel. The majority of these notes reflect students’ attempts to understand who they are, and who they want and sometimes need to be. As one note put it, “Everybody knows who I am, and they tell me all the time. My mom knows I’m a ‘good kid.’ My dad says I am lazy but a natural athlete. My teachers tell me I’m smart, but I don’t care enough to ‘live up to my potential.’ My friends think I’m funny. Girls think I’m shy. I think I’m all of those … and none of those. Who the heck am I? I’m everything to everybody, and nobody to me.”
Your sons and daughters don’t consciously ask themselves, “Who am I going to be today?” Typically, when they travel from class to lunch to sports to friends to church, they subconsciously know that they have to produce a self that fits the needs and expectations of others in that setting. Their school self can be very different from their church self, which is often diametrically opposed to their friends self.
This pressure to live out a self that may or may not align with their other selves is at the very least exhausting, and it can at times be painful. Most parents hear at one time or another from their frustrated adolescent, “You don’t even know me!” Our kids don’t yet know themselves, yet they desperately want to be known. They want to know their personality, their gifts and skills and interests. They want to know where they came from and where they’re going. They want to know where they belong, in what group or city or career or intimate relationship. They want to know what they believe and how that affects their life. In short, they’re struggling to form their identity.
As your children grow up, who they are will evolve and take many different expressions. In that process, we as parents can help instill Sticky Faith by modeling for and reminding our children that their ultimate sense of themselves is best found in the Lord’s answer to the pressing “Who am I?” question. But first let’s look at the arduous process of identity formation.
The process of forming an identity takes years. Although there are some similarities between early adolescents (who are between ten or eleven years old and fourteen) and late adolescents (who are approximately fourteen to twenty years old), there is a significant difference in how they think about their identity.1 We now know that the brain functions with the concreteness of a child throughout early adolescence and begins the abstraction of adulthood at around age fourteen (thus making the shift from early to late adolescence). In other words, while your abstract sixteen-year-old will be able to pull together a variety of experiences to figure out how they are going to handle a contentious teacher, your concrete twelve-year-old will barely be able to remember they had math that morning.
Years ago researchers believed that social and cognitive maturity was reached in the early twenties and even late teens. Today’s academic community generally agrees that developmental life has changed so dramatically over the last few decades that it now takes young people into the mid to late twenties to begin to settle as adults. We now have physical evidence, for example, that cognitive maturity is increasing: MRI studies reveal that it takes ten years, from roughly ages fifteen to twenty-five, for the brain to complete the process and arrive at full physiological adulthood.2
Social scientists tend to believe that this lengthy process of brain development has changed over time. In centuries past across cultures, the shift from child to adult took much less time. (Adolescence, in fact, is a relatively new phase of development, arriving just over a hundred years ago.) We now know that the process of discovering and living out an integrated personal identity, or a sense of self that drives decisions, morality, and life choices, takes longer than it did even thirty years ago.3
For us as parents, our high school graduation was the opportunity to put into practice our emerging self — our ideas, dreams, and plans. In comparison, many of today’s midtwenties college graduates have a hard time deciding what they want to do, much less who they are. In terms of identity and adult independence, today’s twenty-three-year-old is often the developmental equivalent of a seventeen-year-old in 1980. Few scholars debate this point, yet society and, in response, human development are changing so rapidly — from the impact of technology to the rapidly diminishing sense of meaningful community — that researchers are scrambling to keep up. Parents need to keep in mind that the world our kids are growing up in is far different from the world in which we grew up, and that changes everything for them.
For additional resources about identity development, visit www.stickyfaith.org.
In early adolescence, because thinking is still childlike and concrete, your child will not spend much time reflecting on her personal identity. Your middle schooler might, by his behavior and attitudes, intuitively ask “Who am I?” but he is not yet aware that this is what he is doing. At this stage, your child’s biggest needs are to be affirmed and surrounded by safe and loving adults and to have his choices and life protected by appropriate boundaries.
Right around ninth grade, as the brain begins to shift from concrete to abstract thinking and awareness, your child will show expressions of adult commitment and fleshed-out identity. Be warned, however, that you will likely also see plenty of immature behavior. This is one of the more confusing aspects of parenting adolescents today: sometimes your kid will astound you with adultlike maturity, and simultaneously he will surprise you with an attitude or behavior that demonstrates the exact opposite. I have seen my own kids go through several iterations of identity achievement, only to bounce back through the process when another crisis hits. Whether it’s dealing with employers or coaches, handling money, or believing that if parking tickets are ignored they will eventually go away, in today’s complex and precarious world, the process of developing a strong, integrated identity is a long and winding process. As parents, our job is to know that all of this conflicting, inconsistent, and confusing behavior is actually our kids’ way of discovering who they are and making the commitments toward who they want to be.
In his interviews with 125 students as they transitioned from high school to college, sociologist Tim Clydesdale discovered that most college freshmen are overwhelmed by what he called “daily life management” — managing school and social networks (friends, authority figures, romantic partners).4 Clydesdale observes that rather than diving into figuring out who they are, students store away important parts of themselves (often including, but not limited to, their spiritual identity) in an “identity lockbox” when they enter college. College life is simply a series of disconnected events — without linkage to one’s true self and without regard to previous commitments, including faith.5 Although Clydesdale’s study was focused primarily on the transition from high school to college, a similar observation could apply to older high school kids as well.
Several of the students interviewed by the Fuller Youth Institute acknowledged that they put their faith on hold when they entered college so that they could “enjoy the college life.” Translated, that means party. And yet when asked about shelving their faith, a couple of them noted the inconsistency of it all. “I know it doesn’t make sense. If I kick God to the curb for four years just so I can have fun, then why would I pick him up again? Obviously I don’t think he’s worthwhile, or I wouldn’t dog him in the first place. I mean, we are talking about God, right?” Right.
I think that I don’t have time to go to church anymore because I’m usually busy. But it’s still in the back of my head. I just don’t have time to actually go to church.
— Gabbi
Because we are looking for consistency and growth, if and when we see our kids shelving their faith, we can feel like we are losing them. But we have to remember that identity and faith formation is a messy process of “two steps forward, one step back.” In fact, my children, now in their twenties, have not quite completed their adolescent-to-adulthood stories. Yes, each one has achieved certain levels of commitment with various aspects of their identity. But at the same time, life circumstances and growing up in today’s culture can throw off — for a season or longer — their strongly held identity commitments.
Sometimes this is disheartening for us as parents, but overall our commitment has been to hold fast to the truth that each of their stories is unique.
Parenting is not for the faint of heart or for those who like fast food over the real thing. Often what we see is encouraging and even exhilarating, but there are those times when our children’s journeys are rocky and slippery, and we so desperately want to jump in and treat them like ten-year-olds. When you get to this season, the best you can do for your child is to be available and consistent. (We’ll unpack this more in chapter 8.)
By now you might be wondering what identity development has to do with a book on Sticky Faith.
Everything, because who we are as people, and how we grow up acting based on our sense of who we are, is directly connected to our faith journey. To help our children develop Sticky Faith, it is our job first to understand their process of trying to discover who they are, and then to create the environment that supports this discovery and commitment process.
Henri J. M. Nouwen, well-loved spirituality writer and pastoral-counseling professor, wrote extensively on the spirituality of identity. During a small retreat we were privileged to attend, Nouwen mused that every person is hounded by a single question throughout their lives: “Who am I?” On a small whiteboard he listed the three ways we seek to answer that question:
“I am what I do.”
“I am what I control.”
“I am what others say about me.”
Each of these responses is inadequate, and even destructive, for both us and our kids. If I’m honest as a father, our kids’ performance (what they did and how well they did it) and how we, and others, described them shaped their sense of self. It is not that doing well, or being accomplished, is a bad thing. But when how well our kids do at something becomes the primary rubric for discovering who they are, we do them no favors.
To Nouwen, the answer to the single most important question affecting all of humanity, “Who am I?” is the message of Jesus and the Bible.6 Your child has been created, redeemed, and called to live as God’s precious and beloved child.
Your son may be good at many things and bring you great joy as his personality develops. Your daughter may show such amazing promise as you watch her grow into a young woman with much to offer the world. But beneath all of their gifts and talents and abilities, each and every child is more than the sum of their abilities and personality. At their core, each is the beloved child of God.
My wife and I first encountered Nouwen’s writing when our children were still quite young — ten, seven, and four years old. From that time on, we have done our best to remind ourselves and our kids that each of them is a profound gift from God, and we are his somewhat flawed dispensers of grace to them.7
Each of our kids, like yours, is different. One loved soccer growing up, and one gave it a shot for a while but quickly moved on to other sports. One loved to dance, and another wanted to be a musician. For a season, one struggled with a temporary learning disability, another showed signs of brilliance as a child, while another was just a naturally good student.
One got in trouble — a lot. Another got in trouble some but was harder on himself than we could ever be, and another was a bit of a pleaser who wanted peace above all. One sulked and retreated when sad, another would wander off and stare at the sky for hours, and another silently stayed close. One got mad at the drop of a hat, another avoided conflict and got defensive, and the other took a while learning to speak up. They’re all funny. Really.
Today, one’s faith is a straightforward journey of commitment and service, another is settling into the arms of the Lord, and another sees life differently but “still holds on to Jesus.”
Who are our kids? We ask that question often. And yet we know the answer. None of our kids are defined by what they do, what they control, what they’re good at, or most of the time by what others say (as hard as that last one is). Each child is a beloved individual, created and known by God himself.
The concept of identity includes both a personal dimension, as in “who I see myself to be as distinct from others,” and a communal dimension, as in “who I am as connected to others.” Our culture too often focuses only on our own sense of self, as in who I want to be. In building a biblical Sticky Faith, who I seek to be has to be bigger than just me and my dreams. A rich and sustainable faith recognizes that as I walk in community with God’s people, I ultimately discover who I am.
Even before we had kids, Dee and I committed with a handful of friends to walk through life together. This has been an important and life-giving aspect of our journey for the past thirty-plus years. Whatever small group we have been part of, we always invited the kids of those in the group to feel as though it was their group as well.
When one of the kids in our group was in a play, for example, we all attended. When there was a birthday, we at least sent an email or called, if not gave a small gift. When a daughter of one of our group got married, all the guys felt like we were giving her away. (Luckily we didn’t have to help pay for it, but we would have!) One of our kids is in parachurch ministry raising his own support, and those friends are his biggest supporters. But more important, they are his biggest fans as well.
You can build a Christian community around your kids in a number of ways. Some families have extended family who live nearby, and for many, they provide great support and strength for kids. Or perhaps you are part of a school, which may be faith-based or public, or a neighborhood organization. Your church and your friendships can also offer nourishing ties. The point is to build “social capital” into your child’s life, creating a network of caring believers who will pray for, mentor, and bless your children with their presence over the course of their lives. (More on this in chapter 5, “A Sticky Web of Relationships.”)
Finally, do your children a favor and explore with them how their family — in both its environment and genetics — has shaped them. Make a family tree. Explore how your ethnic and religious backgrounds have shaped who you are. Talk about your personality traits and interests and how you are the same as or different from other families. Celebrate your family’s positive traits and point out its problems. But do not stop there: make it your aim to invite your children as they grow up to appropriately wrestle with how both their extended as well as their nuclear families may struggle. The more open you are to exploring your personal and communal identity, and encourage honesty and dialogue about issues that may at times be painful, the more your child will have the vocabulary and framework for developing her own identity.
Having your son or daughter’s identity centered fundamentally on being God’s child may feel theoretical or “spiritual” to the point of meaninglessness — for your kids and maybe for you too. Simply telling your child that she is a beautiful gift who is cherished and talented may not make much of a difference when she is faced with the messages (some good, most not so good) that confront her every day. Getting the myths and lies of who she is off center stage requires more robust communication and experiences. Enter rituals.
A ritual may sound like some ancient or unusual practice, like chanting by candlelight. But a ritual is simply a social custom, or even a normal way of going about something, that provides the comfort of history, regularity, and even tradition. How you celebrate Christmas, for example, is filled with rituals. What happens when you eat together, prepare for a big event, or visit relatives often has elements of ritual that help remind everyone that you are a community that has its own rules, norms, and customs.
Healthy rituals can include both daily activities and yearly celebrations. Here are some ways to incorporate rituals into your family life.
After school, at dinner, or at bedtime, spend a few minutes debriefing your child’s day. Focus the conversation on how they felt about the day, where they felt like they could be themselves, and what held them back from doing so at other times.
Celebrate every birthday, anniversary, first day of school, first day of Notre Dame football — whenever you can find an excuse to celebrate — way beyond what is “reasonable.” Decorate with abandon: candles, streamers, balloons, posters. Find a favorite food that matches the celebration. (For us it’s a 6:00 a.m. Swedish pancake feast for birthdays, and for big sporting events or fun movies, it’s fondue.)
At every birthday, when you pray for the gathered meal, have each person pray a word of thanksgiving for the unique gift of the one whose birthday it is. Follow up with a specific blessing that appropriately affirms that person’s character and place in the family.
Make it a habit to tuck your child in bed, even through middle school (if they’ll let you). As you kiss them good night, pray with and for your child. In your prayer, thank the Lord that you have been given God’s child to know and love. As they get older, invite them into your room to pray together.
To get even more ideas about rituals you can try with your children, visit www.stickyfaith.org.
As parents, the last thing we want is for our kids to experience pain. But as Paul writes in Romans 5:3 – 4, “Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” I wish it weren’t this way, but suffering is one of God’s primary avenues of growth and identity formation.
We can help our sons and daughters by looking out for particular “trigger” events that could create crises that lead to growth, such as the loss of a loved one, an argument with a friend, or difficulty in school. Of course, not all difficulties are major (or seem major to us as adults); some are comparatively minor, such as new questions about their faith, new patterns of minor misbehavior, or an overburdened schedule. Any experience your child has with the stresses and strains of life can be valuable in helping them wrestle more deeply with who God has made them.
Our kids grow not when we stand as goalies preventing pain from entering the net of their lives but when we are present and listen carefully when they feel beat up, confused, and defeated.
Research points to the importance, in addition to listening well, of both supporting and challenging our children to create the optimal environment for growth. Harvard developmental psychologist Robert Kegan sums this up well: “People grow best when they continuously experience an ingenious blend of support and challenge; the rest is commentary. Environments that are weighted too heavily in the direction of challenge are toxic. They promote defensiveness and constriction. Those weighted too heavily toward support are ultimately boring; they promote devitalization … [T]he balance of challenge and support leads to vital engagement.”8
Having the support of caring parents who do not hide pain or struggle from their kids can help kids navigate the heartache and hardship of life in a broken world. This may at times feel uncomfortable or risky, as when we wrestle with the reality of cancer or discuss an unfair or vindictive teacher. But we must engage our kids in honest conversation and dialogue, soliciting their opinion and voice, especially during those times of struggle. If you are honest and open with any issue of life or faith, your child will be a much better thinker, not to mention theologian.
Too often we as parents use extracurricular activities such as sports or music to focus on finding or developing a particular skill. However, we should celebrate who our kids are in the midst of their involvement more than, or at least as much as, their accomplishment and skill. I used to buy milkshakes for a goal scored, until our late-bloomer second child said driving home after another goalless afternoon, “I guess I’ll never get a milkshake, huh, Dad?”
Every child needs to be encouraged and to know that they are valuable and have unique contributions to offer. With sports, we tend to value only those things that are immediately measured — goals scored, tackles made, and so on. But congratulating them for the little things, like listening well to the coach, practicing at home, and being a friend to other kids regardless of where they are on the “star scale,” will help your child see that the deeper character issues are more important.
Focus on personal goals by helping your child define their success by their commitment and effort. The key is to make sure their goals are being pursued, as opposed to our goals. I have talked to scores of high school kids who still resent their parents’ pushing them incessantly to reach “their potential,” when the kids just wanted to have fun with their friends.
Model and teach character, like love of enemy (or opponent), suffering for the best of others, and letting others get credit and opportunities before you.
Use the social relationships that develop through sports or activities to come alongside other families to love and serve them.
Treat each sport, or any other activity, as an opportunity to use our gifts, passions, talents, and relationships for God’s kingdom purposes.
As with sports, celebrate and affirm character development above academic achievement (like modeling and teaching respect for others, especially adults and those peers that others shun).
Create an atmosphere that views academic achievement as a gift to see what God has in store for your child, as opposed to disconnected from “real world” requirements. Approach homework, tests, and papers as encouraging and empowering ways to explore how God has wired your child.
Every semester, set realistic academic goals with your child, and negotiate a plan that you both feel good about (including time for homework versus the computer or TV, weekly goals, monthly goals, etc.). Every week check in and evaluate what’s working and what’s not. When they struggle, alter the plan — hire a tutor, set up a study group, do “adult” homework beside them while they do their homework.
As a steward of God’s beloved child, help your kid do what is so hard for most of us adults: find balance in their life. In the midst of the demands and agendas of schoolwork, activities, general busyness, and church, walk closely with your child in making time for what matters. Most of us fill the calendar activity by activity instead of proactively, well in advance, making decisions that ensure the best for the family and each child. Your goal is to train your kid to see life as a whole, connected adventure, versus a frantic race from one expectation and agenda to another.
Model for your child that, more than just a worldview or a way of life, Christianity is first and foremost an intimate relationship with the Father. Remind her that in the end, you as parents are also fellow children of God, and therefore God is the Father of the entire family.
Discuss, consider, and make all decisions based on what it means to live the life of the beloved — including money, politics, friendships, and how you treat your neighbor.
When your child fails or is disappointed, model a tenderness that communicates that God understands and will in time lift them up. Living as God’s beloved child does not mean that pain and suffering won’t come, but through gentle encouragement, they can know God has a purpose and a trajectory for them that is unique and good.
The hardest part about writing a book like this, especially when it comes to such a long and arduous process as identity formation, is how much mystery is involved. There are no formulas for our sons and daughters’ deciding and discovering who they ultimately want to be. Being a parent today is in turns challenging, intimidating, and invigorating.
Sticky Faith is not a faith that avoids struggle or even dormant seasons. Sticky Faith is giving our kids the very best we have to offer as they pursue who they are as a person, in community and in Christ. Our kids are each a unique masterpiece created by the mighty hand of God. Each one is the beloved of God and is therefore called to belong to and serve this King as long as they have breath. Regardless of how they act, struggle, or make us proud, this is who they are, each one: the beloved child of God.
1. What are some ways you defined yourself growing up? How were they helpful to you as you grew older? How were they harmful?
2. Of Nouwen’s three answers to the question “Who am I?” which of these are you most prone to rely on? Describe what that looks and feels like. Which of these does your child rely on? What does that look like?
3. On a scale of 1 to 7, 1 being easy, 7 not so easy, how hard is it for you to see yourself as the beloved child of God? How easy is it for your child? Describe what you mean.
4. Name some ways you can emphasize who your child is (a beloved child of God) rather than what your child does. How would this emphasis change your approach to your child’s extracurricular activities or academic achievements?