CHAPTER FIVE

Dear Diary,

Their laughter is filled with joy and spontaneity and the vibrant innocence of youth. I can hear them from my office, right down the hall. I smile at the sound, but it fails to touch me deep inside and the knowledge cuts me to pieces.

It never used to be like this. I used to take joy in their simple pleasures; in the wonderment of life. The black hole that surrounds me has sucked out every scrap of light until there’s nothing left but darkness…and it’s eating at my soul.

She watches me with concern and a little anger in her eyes, wanting to help, needing to help—but not knowing how. I’ve done nothing to assist her; nothing to show her the way. It’s not because I don’t want to. I’d give anything to be normal, to feel something other than this darkness deep inside, but the truth is, I don’t know how.

How can she help me—how can anyone help me—when I can no longer help myself…?

* * *

From the corner of his eye, Lachlan spied Martin heading in his direction, coffee cup in hand. It was Monday morning and their shift had barely begun. Lachlan stifled a groan and kept his gaze fixed to the computer screen in front of him. Despite the ache in his shoulder and the difficulty he had typing with one hand, he concentrated hard on the task and did his best to appear engrossed in his work. Undeterred, Martin perched himself on a corner of Lachlan’s desk.

“Morning, partner. How are you doing?”

Lachlan glanced at his colleague and gave him a brief nod of acknowledgment before returning his attention to the screen.

“You left the party early. You didn’t even stay for the game.”

Lachie grimaced. “Yeah, I’m sorry. It had been a rough week. I was tired before I got there. Probably should have stayed at home. I hope I didn’t spoil Pam’s place settings. Is she mad?”

Martin grinned. “Furious. But she’ll get over it. She loves you,” he added.

“Hey, tell her I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to leave so abruptly. I…” He shrugged helplessly, unable to offer an acceptable explanation.

The truth was, he’d felt so out of sorts after his conversation with Ava, he’d known he wouldn’t be good company for anyone. The thought of spending more time with her had been unbearable. She’d touched on a raw nerve when she’d suggested he’d do well to seek professional help and he wasn’t prepared to sit politely and listen to any more of it over the dinner table.

“I saw you with Ava Wolfe. You looked pretty friendly. Pam said you knew her from before.”

“Her sister’s married to one of my brothers. We met at their wedding.”

Martin nodded in comprehension. “No wonder you appeared so cozy with each other. For a moment, I thought you were coming on to her. I knew I was being stupid. You’d never do anything to hurt Kristy.”

Lachlan listened and the familiar feelings of guilt and dread resurfaced. It grew and solidified in his gut until it felt like he was being pulled down into a quagmire from which there was no escape. He sucked in a breath and did his best to steady his racing heart.

He still couldn’t understand why he’d told Ava his marriage was as good as over. He’d managed to keep Kristy’s leaving a secret all this time—and then just like that, he not only revealed it, but to a woman who was almost a stranger. He had no idea if he could trust her to keep her mouth shut. It might be only a matter of time before word spread that his wife had left and taken the kids. Permanently. He had to tell Martin. His friend would never forgive him if he heard it from someone else.

“Are you all right, Lachie?”

Lachlan blinked to clear his head of the heavy fog that suddenly made it difficult to think. Martin’s concerned features filled his vision. He did his best to offer him a reassuring smile.

“Yeah, of course. I… I… There’s something I need to tell you.”

A frown now lined Martin’s forehead and a hint of wariness crept into his eyes. “Okay,” he said uncertainly.

Lachlan cursed softly beneath his breath and then decided to make it quick and clean and then get the hell out of there.

“Kristy and I split up. She packed up her things and left with the kids six weeks ago.”

Martin looked stunned at the news. He stood and moved a few steps away, shaking his head. “Shit. You mean, she just…left?”

“She accused me of shutting her out. I think her exact words were that I was emotionally frigid and had been for most of our marriage. We argued. Again. She told me she wanted a divorce. The next day, I came home from work and the house was empty. She left a note on the fridge.”

“Hell, Lachie! I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this shit around for six weeks! Why didn’t you tell me? We’re friends.”

Lachlan winced at the hurt in Martin’s voice. Wounding his mate was the last thing he’d wanted to do.

“We are. And I’m sorry. The truth is, I’m still trying to get my head around it. Kristy calling it quits on our marriage, taking the kids… I guess I didn’t want to tell anyone because then I’d be forced to accept it. I’d have to look at the reasons she gave for ending it and I don’t know that I’m strong enough or brave enough to do that, on top of everything else.”

The admission was difficult, but as he said the words, Lachlan realized he was telling the truth. The fact was, he’d been in a downward spiral for a long time. Continued exposure to the worst that people had to offer had damaged him deep down inside. The only way he’d found to cope was to shut down his thoughts and emotions and that included shutting out his wife. He had no one but himself to blame for the loss of his family. Ava had been right. He needed help.

He pushed away from his desk and stood.

“Where are you off to?” Martin asked.

“I’m going to see the boss.”

Surprise filled Martin’s face. “About Kristy?”

Lachlan stared at his friend. “Among other things.”

“Be careful what you say, Lachie,” Martin warned, his voice low.

“Yeah.”

Martin didn’t need to remind Lachlan how damaging it would be to his career if the boss decided he was unstable, but he had no choice. His life had taken a downward turn. He needed help—and soon.

Knocking briefly on Becker’s half-open door, Lachlan entered without waiting to be asked. Becker threw him a sour look.

“What is it, Coleridge?”

“I… I’m in a bad way, boss. I think I need some help.” The words fell out before he could stop them.

Becker stared at him in surprise. “You mean like…therapy or something?”

“Yes. It’s been building up for a while. Kristy and I have…separated. And there’s other crap I have to work through. I thought you should know.”

A humorless chuckle fell from Becker’s lips and he shook his head slowly back and forth. “I’m sorry to hear about you and Kristy, but don’t talk to me about therapy. That counseling shit’s for pussies. Man up, Detective. Grow a pair of balls. We all do it tough, from time to time. It comes with the job. Go and have a few scotches and forget about it, like the rest of us do.”

Lachlan stared at him in disbelief, shocked at Becker’s callous attitude. He’d known his boss didn’t think highly of therapy, but he didn’t expect the man to be so blunt. After all, the police service prided itself on providing at least the appearance of emotional support for its officers.

Already regretting his decision to confide in the man, Lachlan turned his back on his boss and left the room without another word. It was clear that if he was going to get help, he needed to do it on his own. And he would. He had no choice. It was as simple as that.

* * *

The phone that stood on Phoebe’s desk pealed. Ava picked it up, silencing the noise. “Ava Wolfe.”

“Hi, Doctor. It’s Janelle. I’m Phoebe’s receptionist. We met this morning in the tea room. I have a call for you on line two.”

Ava recalled the gray-haired, grandmotherly type she’d met earlier over a cup of coffee and smiled. “Thank you, Janelle.”

Earlier, with coffee in hand, Janelle had given her a brief tour of the building. Two other bedrooms had been converted into generous office spaces. A small, but tidy kitchen used by the staff and modest bathroom facilities made up the rest of the house. In addition to Phoebe’s office, an accountant occupied one room and a chiropractor the other. Ava had yet to meet either of them.

The phone on the desk beeped impatiently and Ava finally answered the call. She smiled at the familiar voice on the line.

“Phoebe! How are you doing? I didn’t expect you to call! You’re dealing with a family crisis and everything is fine here! The last thing you should be doing is worrying about work.”

“Tell me about it,” Phoebe muttered, “but I wanted to call and make sure you were settling in all right.”

“Of course I am,” Ava assured her. “How’s Danielle?”

Phoebe sighed. “My little sister is fighting us at each and every turn. By some miracle, Dad and I managed to pull off an intervention and get her into rehab, but she’s not at all happy about it. Why the hell can’t she see we’re doing this for her own good?”

“I’m sorry,” Ava replied. “I wish there was something I could do.”

“You’re doing enough. Way past enough. After I got that call from Dad, I was running around chasing my tail. My head was in a spin. I wanted to be there for my family, but my patients needed me, too. I’m so grateful you were able to fill in for me on such short notice.”

“It’s no problem,” Ava hurried to reassure her once again. “I’m your friend, and that’s what friends are for. Besides, your files are all in order and you’ve made comprehensive notes. I’m sure I’ll work things out.”

“Thank goodness! How’s Janelle? Have you met her, yet?”

“Yes. Janelle’s been very sweet and helpful. She reminds me of my grandmother. Your office is gorgeous, by the way.”

Ava thought of her clinical rooms in the Sydney Harbour Hospital, all steel and glass and concrete. They lacked the warmth and comfort of the room where she now sat. “I officially have office envy!” she added with a laugh.

Phoebe chuckled. “Enjoy my humble country abode. I’m sure it’s a little different from what you’re used to.”

“Yes, but in a good way. A very good way.”

“It sounds like you’ve had a chance to go through my files,” Phoebe added. I hope you have time to familiarize yourself with some of my clients before they arrive, especially the police officers. They need the help, but they don’t want to admit it and it creates a constant struggle. I want you to be prepared.”

“Who refers them to you?” Ava asked, curious in light of her discussion with Lachlan.

“The Employee Assistance Program. When an officer makes a call to the EAP, he or she will speak with a psychologist. If the officer requests a face-to-face meeting, it’s arranged. For police officers, living out in the country, finding a qualified professional is often difficult. Some of them are forced to drive hundreds of miles.”

“The police service doesn’t go out of its way to make it easy,” Ava observed wryly.

“No, they don’t.”

“I was speaking with a detective yesterday at a barbeque. He told me any officer putting in a request for counseling, or indeed even admitting to any need for help, is seen as weak and will be looked upon unfavorably when it comes time for promotion. Is it really as bad as that?”

When Phoebe replied, she sounded grim. “I’m afraid so. I wish I could say it wasn’t true, but I can’t. The cops who find the courage to meet with me are terrified their colleagues might find out. It makes for a tense therapy session.”

Ava shook her head, bewildered. “Why would the police service jeopardize the recovery of their people? It doesn’t make sense.”

“It’s an inherited attitude from a different time when men didn’t cry or show their emotions. They’re meant to be tough and unmoving; able to put up with whatever trauma comes their way without thinking anything of it.”

“They’re flesh and blood people, not machines.”

“Ha!” Phoebe replied, her voice dripping with scorn. “Try telling that to the police hierarchy. They’ll laugh you out of town.”

“It makes me wonder how your clients find the courage to contact you at all.”

Phoebe sighed. “Now you see why I’ve suggested you familiarize yourself with their files. It’s bad enough that we’re expecting them to open up to a stranger. It will go a long way to making it easier, if they feel like you understand where they’re coming from.”

“Yes, of course.” Ava hurried to reassure her, filled with sudden sadness for the officers and their stories contained in Phoebe’s files. With a surge of determination, Ava silently vowed to do all she could to ease the transition between her and the officers’ usual therapist and to do her best for them in her friend’s absence.

After promising to stay in touch, Ava wished Phoebe all the best with her family and ended the call. She stared at the phone, recalling the anger and desperation in Lachlan’s face when they talked about the effects of his job and the need for proper counseling. She now understood his negative attitude toward therapy. She thought of the officers who had come forward and were actively engaged in counseling and shuddered, wondering at their level of desperation.

The phone rang again, rousing her from her dark thoughts. She leaned over and picked up the handpiece. “Ava Wolfe.”

“Doctor, it’s Janelle. I have another call for you. Line one.”

“Thanks, Janelle.” Ava pressed the flashing button. “Ava Wolfe.”

“Ava, it’s Lachlan. Lachlan Coleridge.”

Ava’s heart skipped a beat. She’d recognized the deep timbre of his voice even before he identified himself. She cleared her throat of sudden nerves.

“Lachlan, it’s nice to hear from you. What can I do for you?”

He was silent for so long, she couldn’t help but wonder if he would answer. Her mind flew to the possible reason for his call. Was he going to apologize for his abrupt departure at the barbeque?

“I… I need to see someone. I… I’d like to make an appointment.”

His desperate admission, barely above a whisper, shocked her. After what he’d said the day before… Not wanting to discourage him, she hurried to collect her thoughts.

“Of course. I assume you have approval from the EAP to attend a private physician?”

“No, I… You’re the first person I’ve called.”

Ava found the file Phoebe had left out containing the information and the procedure involved in accepting new police clients. She flipped it open and scanned the pages.

“I’m glad you did,” she replied softly, relieved when she located the paragraph she was looking for. “But there’s a procedure that must be followed. You need to contact someone in the EAP first and request face-to-face visits with a therapist in your area. Your request will be processed and approval for three paid sessions should thereafter be given. Once you receive notice of that approval, you can contact me and arrange an appointment.”

“That sounds like a lot of bullshit and I don’t want to go through the EAP. I’d rather pay for the sessions myself. Is that a problem?”

Ava frowned and hurriedly scanned the rest of Phoebe’s procedural file. She couldn’t find anything that precluded an officer from paying for his own therapy. It just wasn’t the way things were normally done. After all, professional therapist services didn’t come cheap.

“I-I guess that would be all right, but I need to tell you I charge four hundred dollars an hour and I require payment upfront.”

“Fine. When can I see you? I… I really need to talk to someone.”

His voice cracked with emotion and once again, Ava’s heart hurt at the thought of his level of desperation. The previous afternoon, he’d scoffed at her suggestion of therapy. Now he was almost begging her for help. She clicked on her computer screen and opened up Phoebe’s electronic diary.

“I could see you this afternoon at four. Does that suit?”

“No. I don’t finish work until six.”

“Okay.” She moved the mouse to the next page. “What about ten tomorrow morning?”

“No, I’m rostered on the morning shift. We work from six to six.”

Ava cleared her throat and tried to swallow her impatience. He wanted to see her as soon as possible, but he wasn’t making it easy. “I don’t have anything else for another two days after that.”

“I can’t wait that long.” His voice was low and ragged. She bit her lip against his pain.

“I’m not sure what you want me to do,” she said.

“What about after work today? I could be there a little after six.”

She normally finished at five. Regular office hours. She’d been looking forward to reclaiming a little work and life balance. Her hours in the city were hectic. So many needy patients and only so much time, but Lachlan had found the courage to call her. He needed her.

“All right,” she heard herself saying. “I’ll see you then.”