“HOW LONG HAS she been like this?” That evening Carrie sat by her mother’s bedside and held Maggie’s hand. The sun was low in the sky, coloring the room with a soft pink glow, terribly sad, yet somehow peaceful.
“Not long,” Jude said. “Daddy didn’t want to alarm you before we really knew what was going on.”
“She’s so thin,” Carrie said. “All I can think about is how Mom loved to cook. She fixed the most creative meals and taught us all how to do the same. We Fosters have always been such good eaters, and now…”
Jude put her hand on Carrie’s shoulder. “You have to be strong for Daddy, Care-Bear. Remember, the Mom you’re talking about has been gone for a long time.” She touched Maggie’s cheek. “I think Mom is ready to go now, and we have to let her.”
“Does the doctor say when that could be?”
“A matter of a few days to a week or so,” Jude said. “Believe me, Care, we would have let you know in plenty of time to come home and say goodbye.”
“What have you told Wesley?”
“Not much. He knows that his grandma is getting weaker, but at only six, he can’t handle too much information. He never knew his grandmother the way we did. She showed the first signs of dementia before Wes’s first birthday. But amazingly he has always related to her in his own way. He reads to her and finds programs on her television he thinks she’d like. He’ll miss her.”
“Does Aurora know?” Carrie didn’t know their neighbor as well as her two sisters did, but she knew that Aurora had been a source of inspiration and comfort for their father.
“Yes, she knows. She’s been to the house and has sat with Mom a time or two. That pleases Dad, knowing that the two women in his life had a chance to get acquainted, even in this limited way.”
“Woman in his life?” Carrie said. “That’s how you describe Aurora?”
“Not literally. Dad is all about Mom right now, but you’ve heard how caring Aurora is. Dad depends on her.” She paused before adding, “Actually, Carrie, they depend on each other. Aurora’s son died recently, and Dad was there for her when she needed him. They both are grieving right now, and that’s a strong connection.”
Carrie nodded. “Most of you have depended on Aurora at one time or another. Lizzie stayed with her when she had that awful fight with Alex. You said Aurora was instrumental in getting you to go to the hospital and demanding to see Liam.” I wish there was some way our fairy godmother could help me, Carrie thought.
“How’s everyone doing?”
Both girls turned to the sound of their father’s voice in the doorway.
“Fine,” Jude said. “There hasn’t been a change in Mom since this morning.”
Martin walked over and stood between his two daughters. “I don’t know about that,” he said. “I think she might be smiling, just a little bit. Like she knows on some level that two of her girls are here.” He bent to kiss the top of Carrie’s head and put an arm around Jude. “It’s been a long day. Your Mom and I are turning in.”
Both girls glanced at the narrow twin bed next to Maggie’s larger one, where their father slept each night. This was their cue that he wanted to be alone with his wife.
“I’m tired, too,” Carrie said, adjusting her walking boot before standing.
“Me, too,” Jude said.
“Go on with you,” Martin teased. “I know you’ll be up for hours talking. And you know what? It makes me happy just thinking of you doing that.”
They each kissed their father and left the room. “So how about those wedding plans?” Carrie said. “What do you and Mr. Dreamy have in mind?”
Jude smiled. “We’re both wearing cowboy gear and riding into the ceremony on horseback…” She paused to look at Carrie’s horrified expression. “You are so easy to fool, Care-Bear!”
* * *
THE CABIN WAS COLD, empty. Keegan hadn’t even bothered to light a fire. He told himself he was preparing his body and spirit for the poor conditions he’d be facing soon. That was a lie, of course. He was punishing himself for pushing away the kindest woman he had ever met. He deserved to freeze. He deserved to stare at lonely corners of his room, to eat a simple meal by himself.
How had it happened that he’d fallen so hard for sweet, innocent Carrie Foster? He’d never been attracted to that type of woman before. But, then, he’d never made a relationship work before either. And he hadn’t made one work this time.
She’d practically said the words many men long to hear, but the very ones he feared. She couldn’t love him. She was too good, and he was almost all bad. He’d come to believe that the life he truly deserved was one where he unrolled a sleeping bag and bedded down in a blown-out hut in a rural part of nowhere only to face anger and discontent in the morning.
His future before Carrie had been uncertain. He intended to sell his land and use the stake to start over somewhere far away from Ohio, the memories of his youth and the only adult who had ever loved him when he was growing up. Keegan was satisfied with not knowing where he would be a year from now. He would survive. He always had.
And then a terrible blizzard had sent him a chance for redemption. For Carrie’s sake he didn’t take that chance. Her roots were as deep and solid and pure as the trees she loved. His were still stretching into the darkness, searching for something he never would find.
And so he sat this night on a hard wooden chair in front of a meal of cereal and toast and thought about what might have been. He considered having a drink or two…or three, but he never took the bottle from his cupboard. Like he had so many times in the past hours, he remembered that Carrie would be disappointed in him.
Even though he’d sent her away, he still thought about pleasing her. In the past month she had been easy to please, but deep down he knew that someday, maybe soon, maybe years from now, he would quit trying to please her. That was just the sort of man he was. Marta knew that. Or maybe she would become impossible to please, and that would also be his fault.
Missing her hurt, but he would get through this night and the next two and then he would fly to New York with Butch and reenter a world that accepted him for who he’d become. He would put his book away for a while and tell his new stories. Devastation and despair were embedded so deeply into his spirit now that he feared he could only survive when everything around him crumbled.
And that’s how he felt tonight. Like he was disintegrating bit by dusty bit. Like he’d lost his soul in order to save another’s.