As the clocks ticked their way to the afternoon, Sarah became more and more tense. It’s just two hours, supervised, she reminded herself. Plus a half hour of travel time. She’ll be back by five fifteen.
But Leila was having none of it. When Sarah picked her up at the bus, she stretched up her arms to be carried. Sarah carried her as much for her own comfort as for Leila’s. She wanted to make sure that Leila knew how much she loved her.
Sarah had to put her down while she opened the front door, but immediately Leila glommed to her side, her hand fisting in the hem of Sarah’s work shirt.
She hadn’t forgotten that today was her day to visit Carmen. And it was Sarah’s duty to make the transition as smooth as possible.
“Do you want a snack before you get ready for your visit with Carmen this afternoon?”
Leila shook her head and dropped her backpack on the floor.
“What did you do at school today?”
Leila shrugged.
“Okay, then why don’t we go to your room and you can put on the outfit you picked out last night?”
Leila pulled her whole body up before huffing out a sigh, letting Sarah know she was not happy.
Sarah tried not to admit it was gratifying. But she’d been here before, and she knew that transitions were the hardest. “It will be fun to see Carmen and I’ll be right here when Danny brings you back.”
“You go with me.”
“Sorry, boobaloo, I can’t.”
“Why?” A hint of a whine.
“It’s the rules. You and Carmen and Danny can visit together.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s the rules.”
“I hate rules.”
I know, thought Sarah, so do I. These rules anyway. “Well, rules keep people safe.”
“Why?”
“Because people, all people, should be safe.”
Leila burrowed into her side, and it was all Sarah could do not to snatch her up and drive away with her. But that wouldn’t keep Leila or Sarah safe. They wouldn’t be safe until this all got sorted out.
Deciding not to push the issue of the clothes, she picked Leila and her backpack up and carried them into the living room where she sat them all in the big overstuffed chair that had been Sam’s place. She immediately felt calmer. As if Sam were still giving her strength from the grave. A bunch of hooey, she knew. But she was willing to take even hooey today.
She picked up a book at random and opened it. Can You Find Me at the Beach? One of those hidden picture books that Leila loved.
“Crab,” Leila said, pointing to the crab peeking out from under a striped beach towel. She took the book in both hands and looked over the picture, her brows knitted in concentration.
The knock at the door startled them both.
“That must be Danny. He’s a little early.” Sarah went to answer the door. Danny Noyes stood on the porch in baggy khakis and a short-sleeve sports shirt. He was wearing a tie, but it was pulled loose at the neck, and the top button of his shirt was unbuttoned.
“Come in.”
They went into the living room, where Leila was standing behind the arm of Sam’s chair as if it could hide her.
“Hey, Leila,” he said brightly. “Ready to go?”
Leila shook her head.
Danny cast Sarah a disparaging look.
“I did everything the book said.”
“Come on, your— Carmen is waiting for a visit. She’s excited to see you.”
Sarah nodded encouragingly at Leila. “I love you, sunshine.”
Leila hung her head. Danny took her hand and escorted her out the door. She frowned back at Sarah as they walked across the sidewalk to Danny’s car.
Sarah kept her smile glued in place, even though her jaw hurt and her lips were trembling. It was just a couple of hours. Everything would be fine.
She watched to make sure Danny put Leila in the car seat, watched him go around to the driver’s side, watched as they drove away. Even after the car turned the corner and she couldn’t see them, she waited. And finally closed the door. She stood in the foyer, fighting the nausea that threatened to overtake her. Leila would come back and everything would be fine.
Karen had been right about her not being alone. She would go crazy pacing the small cottage for the next few hours. She went to her desk and opened the notebook where she documented Leila’s progress and setbacks. She logged in the date and time, the event, and Leila’s reaction, then grabbed her bag and headed for the Ocean Brew.
She and Karen met at the door.
“Whew,” Karen said and hugged her. “Whoever called summer a vacation was bat poop crazy.”
Sarah smiled, though she still felt sick and coffee was probably the last thing she needed.
As soon as they were inside, Sarah made a beeline for a free table by the window, so she could see the street in case for some reason Danny and Leila returned early.
Karen gave her a sympathetic smile. “There’s a long road ahead, too early to freak out.”
“I know. It just blindsided me and you know how it goes, huge backsliding in behavior and learning. It’s already starting.” She saw Reesa hurrying past the window and waved to her.
Reesa barreled into the coffee bar. “Sorry I’m late. Did everything go okay?”
“So far,” Sarah said.
“How about you?” Karen asked.
“I played hooky this morning to arrange housing for an older lady at the senior residence. Aguda found her an available apartment, hallelujah. Sometimes things just work out.”
“You’ve taken on the elderly in your spare time?” Karen asked.
“No,” Reesa said as she wrestled out of her summer jacket. “She was the one who sounded the alert for the White boys I just removed. She lives in a building surrounded by drugs and worse. I figured she deserved better.”
“Good for you,” Karen said.
Sarah dragged her gaze from the window. She couldn’t stare out at the street for the next couple of hours, ignoring her friends when they had taken time to help her through. “She’s lucky that you pulled the case.”
“For my sins,” Reesa said.
“I mean, not everybody would have thought about her.”
“Any more on the other front?” Karen asked.
Reesa shook her head and turned to Sarah. “At the beach the other day, I blurted out that I was going to leave Michael. I meant it then. But now it seems so extreme. What I think I need is another job.”
“Another job?” Sarah said, surprised. “Where would you find the hours?”
“I mean a different job.”
Sarah stared at her. “You mean quit being a caseworker?”
“Maybe.”
“But what about all those children?”
Karen laid a hand on Sarah’s arm.
“Sorry, it’s just that you’re so good at what you do.”
“Except that I’m burned out. Some days I think I can’t witness another desperate family, or a battered or neglected child. We’re like that story, with our fingers in the dike. God, sorry. We’re here to make you feel better.”
“Then for starters,” Karen said, “let’s get drinks and something terribly sweet and caloric.” They all went up to the counter and returned a few minutes later with two iced coffees, an iced chai for Sarah, as well as several pastries, a knife, and three forks.
“Well, I have a bombshell to drop,” Sarah said.
Karen, who had been dividing the pastries in thirds, stopped.
“Nothing about Leila?” Reesa asked.
“Not directly. But I know why Ilona Cartwright refused to take my case.”
Reesa’s eyebrows lifted. Karen put down the knife.
“We were in foster care—in a group home—together.”
“No. Ilona Cartwright? Are you sure?” Reesa reached for a piece of peach turnover. “I knew she was adopted, but I don’t remember it ever being mentioned about her being in the system.”
“She was Nonie Blanchard then. And my best friend. Better than my best friend. We said we were sisters.” The memory was still like a slice across her heart. “We swore we would always watch out for each other; well, at first she watched out for me mostly. She was older and had been there longer. But then she was adopted, I guess by the Cartwrights. We promised to write every week. But she never did.”
The force of that memory hit her so hard that it nearly took her breath away. What had she done to make Nonie hate her so?
“That’s crazy,” Karen said, putting a piece of turnover on Sarah’s plate.
“Neither of you said anything while we were there,” Reesa said.
“I didn’t know then. She doesn’t look anything like she did when I knew her and I never knew her name was Ilona, just Nonie. But she recognized me. She must have. That’s why she wouldn’t take the case. I don’t know what I did that made her so angry at me, but she obviously still holds a grudge.”
“Wait. Then how did you figure out that you knew her?”
“She was down here yesterday. I’m sure she was following me. She saw me meet Leila at the bus after school. I saw her standing across the street and when she saw me, she turned and walked away, then disappeared down one of the walk-throughs. I ran after her, but when I reached the end of the walk-through, she was gone.”
“And you’re sure it was her?”
“As soon as she turned and walked away, I could tell. It’s exactly what she taught me to do when we were shoplifting.” Sarah grimaced. “Before I reformed. She had me practice so many times and copy her that I would know it anywhere. It sounds crazy, but it isn’t. It was Nonie all right. That’s why she wouldn’t take the case—she hates me. That must be why she came down to spy on me. What do you think she’s up to? Trying to sabotage my chances?”
“Stop.” Reesa put up her hand, crossing guard style. “You don’t know that she has ulterior motives. Maybe she just happened to be shopping when you saw her.”
“Then why did she run?”
“You should go talk to her,” Karen said. “Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding. Her letters got lost. You know how the system is. Someone could have stolen them. Or a thousand things could have happened. I bet if you talked things out—”
Sarah shook her head. “I haven’t forgiven her, either. Two years we were inseparable, sisters. Then she left me behind. She promised she’d come back for me, but she never looked back.”
Reesa leaned forward on her elbows. “Sarah, you know she wouldn’t have been able to do that.”
“Maybe not then, but she could have written like she promised to do; she could have looked me up once she was on her own. She never did.”
Reesa laid her hand on Sarah’s arm. “We may not even need her.”
“But you should try to reconcile,” Karen said, passing around three sections of a sticky bun. “It’s not good to leave things like that to fester. Just talking about it—”
“No. She’s had eighteen years to reach out to me. The system knew where I was. And they know where I am now.”
“Look,” Reesa said. “Let’s give it some time, see what shakes out. If it turns out we do need her, I’ll talk to her. Twenty years is a long time to be angry. I’ll try to convince her to do the right thing.”
“Don’t bother. You said yourself we had time. I’ll let Randy handle it, or I’ll find someone else. But not her.”
KAREN AND REESA stayed at the coffee bar after Sarah went home to wait for Leila and Danny. They watched her walk across the street, up her porch steps, and go inside. Then they turned to each other.
“It’s like she’s already distancing herself from us,” Karen said.
Reesa nodded. “Detaching. It’s a classic reaction. Sometimes the child isn’t the only one that regresses.”
“But she’s pulling away already, like she expects to lose, like she doesn’t expect us to stand by her.”
“When you’re used to losing, losing becomes your default mode.”
“Well, it sucks.” Karen cut the last chocolate croissant in half and handed half to Reesa. “Gosh, look at me. I’ve been cutting everyone else’s food like I was the mother or something.”
“You are and a good one. And so is Sarah if given the chance.”
“So what can we do?”
“You’ve run support groups for years.”
“But this is different. Sarah is our friend.”
“And we’ll be here when she needs us. But she has to come to that realization. We can’t just keep butting in. It will make her defensive and less able to cope.”
“It’s such a mess. Do you think Carmen might really have a chance of getting Leila back?”
“From past attempts, no. But this might be the time that works.”
“I should have warned Sarah not to adopt from the system. They make it too difficult.”
“Tell me about it. I’d really like to have Cartwright lined up in case we need her.”
They both finished their half of the croissant, not talking, each with her own thoughts.
“So what are you going to do?” Karen asked, pushing the cake plate away.
Reesa raised her eyebrows. “About Sarah or Ilona Cartwright?”
“About your life.”
“Damned if I know. But something’s gotta give or I might end up on the cover of some tabloid.”
“That bad?”
“Pretty much.”
Karen reached for her hand. “You need a vacation.”
Reesa gave her a look. “Me and all the other overworked, underpaid, sleep-deprived caseworkers.”
“I mean it. At least take a long weekend. I know. Come stay with us for a few days. It will be mass craziness, but at least it will be good craziness. You can tell Michael you’re having a girls’ weekend away. Even better, we will have a girls’ weekend. I bet Sarah could use one by then, too. We’ve got the beach, and I’ll con Stu into watching the kids. We’ll have Sarah bring Leila over, and the three of us will go have some fun. Goodness knows we could all use some.”
SARAH WAS STANDING at the window when Danny double-parked his Hyundai in front of her cottage. He ran around to the backseat and scuttled Leila out of the car seat, swung her to the grass verge, and then hurried her up the steps to the house.
Sarah opened the door and knelt down to give Leila a hug, but Leila pulled her hand away from Danny’s and blew right past Sarah without slowing down.
Danny looked apologetic, but spoiled it by glancing over his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t getting ticketed.
“This is normal behavior,” he said as he began stepping back across the porch. “There’s always a little adjustment after visits.”
“I know, Danny. Been there, done that. Several times. You’d better go see to your car.”
“Yeah, thanks. Next week same time?” He’d asked it as a question but since there was only one acceptable answer, Sarah didn’t bother to say it. He nodded, turned, and sprinted toward his car, just as a black-and-white came around the corner.
Sarah closed the door, took several calming breaths and went in search of Leila. She was in her room sitting on the floor. Her backpack was open and she was rummaging inside.
“Did you have a good time?” Sarah asked.
Leila ignored her. The silent treatment. She’d been pretty good at it herself at one time.
“Want an apple and some almond butter?”
“I want candy.”
“We don’t have candy. How about yogurt and granola?”
“I want candy.”
“We don’t have candy.”
Leila looked up then, her eyes narrowed, her face scrunched up—her “mean” face—and Sarah smiled.
“Carmen has candy.”
“How about Jell-O?”
“Go away.”
Leila got to her feet and pushed Sarah toward the bedroom door. Sarah didn’t resist or try to change her mind. She just left the room. She heard Leila shut the door behind her.
Sarah sighed. Just like clockwork. It was happening all over again.
ILONA CLOSED HER briefcase as the courtroom cleared. The Sobrato case had just been recessed until next Friday and she wasn’t happy about it. She could have gone in for the kill and finished this charade—and the opposing lawyers knew it.
Now they would spend the interim time negotiating and bargaining. She wasn’t going to negotiate or bargain. Olivia Sobrato was going to get a shitload of money or Ilona would go back to law school for a brushup course.
Olivia stood and reached for her purse, leaning in close to Ilona. “We have them, don’t we?”
We, nothing, Ilona thought. The only thing you’ve done is whine and complain. “I think we do. Excuse me.” Ilona took her briefcase and strode toward Barry O’Doul who was pleading the next case.
“See you on Friday,” Olivia called after her.
“Damn,” Barry said. “You were fierce.”
Ilona smiled her barracuda smile and waited for Olivia to mince her way up the aisle of the courtroom. “I was just doing my job for my client.”
“Yeah, you had ’em by the short hairs, that’s for sure. Man, the way you wiped the floor with Ken’s presentation; my balls headed for the hills in sympathy. Damn.”
The clerk called for the next case.
“Good luck,” Ilona said and climbed the steps to the back door. Good luck and a dose of histrionics—those were the only two tools in Barry’s toolbox.
Her energy lasted as long as it took to get to her car. She reviewed the afternoon and pretended to be pleased—long enough to get out of the parking garage and to the coast road.
Then the courtroom drama fell behind her like the wake of a speedboat, and the hurt and anger she’d been fighting against since seeing Sarah Hargreave rushed over her once again.
She’d made something of her life, had endured, hadn’t let anything or anyone stop her from getting what she wanted. She was right where she wanted to be, on her way up in the legal world. Living in a posh apartment, socializing with the up-and-comers.
And in one mistaken decision, one brief encounter, it all came crashing down. Her past staring her in the face.
She stepped on the accelerator and the car tore down the street while Ilona screamed at the top of her lungs.
Dear Sarah,
I hate you. I hope you are dead.
Not your sister anymore.
Nonie