CHAPTER 14

HOW TO HAVE A GREAT FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE

Tim Popadic

IN THOSE EARLY WEEKS and months of my marriage, I’ll never forget thinking, Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be like this? The fact is that marriage might be different than you think it will be, no matter how you pictured it, how much you prepared, and how many people you talked to about it ahead of time. The picture is usually different for each of us, whether for better or for worse.

My wife, Beth, and I had a beautiful wedding surrounded by our closest friends and family. It took place in a picturesque mansion in Connecticut on a beautiful June day, without a cloud in the sky. What could be more perfect?

But when we pulled up to the 1776 Townhouses, our home for the next few months, the perfection quickly fizzled. I could instantly see why they named them “1776” —our townhouse looked as if it hadn’t been updated since the 1700s! As I opened the door, I could see Beth’s countenance fade as she surveyed the depressing little place with wall-to-wall brown carpeting (except for several stains that left bleached-out spots), brown cabinets, and brown counters —you get the picture. And this was way before HGTV deemed brown to be an “in” color for homes. Since we had only one car, this townhouse was to be Beth’s backdrop for the start of our life together. While I was at work, she was blessed to be confined to this delightful space, knowing no one but me and with no means of escape. This was just the beginning . . .

After recently graduating from college, getting married a month later, starting a new job as a youth pastor (me), moving eighteen hours away to finish up some schooling for four months, having a car blow up, having emergency surgery (Beth), coming back to the youth-pastor job, moving four more times, and living in three more apartments, Beth and I finally settled in to begin married life.

By the end of the first year, reality had set in. We’d been thrown into the fire of so many new decisions, circumstances, jobs, relationships, locations, and emotions, some serious triage needed to take place. We were left in a fog of smoke those first several months as we tried to figure out where we had been burned and which areas needed treatment first. Although I don’t wish for you a situation like ours, it did draw us together in ways that only hard things do.

Many couples will say that their first year of marriage was difficult. For some reason, we think that two totally different people coming together to share life will be easy. Two people from two different families with different upbringings, ideas, thoughts, feelings, and emotions —no problem. Happily ever after, right? Well, yes and no.

Your first year of marriage is key in helping lay the groundwork for learning how to build and protect your relationship. There will be mountaintop highs, fun, adventure, joy, pleasure, laughter, thrills, and many amazing firsts. Delight in these moments! This is why you got married. There will also be obstacles, confusion, doubt, panic, and fears. It might not be as easy or simple as you think it will be. Fight for your spouse in these moments. This is also why you got married. Some rude awakenings may be mixed in with the sweet times, and some startling things may be revealed. This is where the true work begins. Roll up your sleeves, grease up your elbows, and get ready. You’re in for the greatest ride of your life!

There are ten things you should know by the end of your first year:

  1. Your feelings aren’t reality.
  2. You are not Ken, and she is not Barbie.
  3. Your mother isn’t the benchmark of your wife.
  4. When you ask him what he’s thinking and he says “Nothing,” he means nothing.
  5. When you ask her what she’s thinking and she says “Nothing,” what she really means is that she’s thinking about every detail from marriage until eternity.
  6. He thinks about sex the way you think about money.
  7. You both are more selfish than you thought you were.
  8. Contraception is 99 percent effective. (Just ask Greg and Erin!)
  9. Your husband might not understand the concept of calling you in the middle of the day just to check in.
  10. Marriage is amazing, but it’s also work.

Some of these statements are shockingly true. There is one thing, however, that all couples face during their first year of marriage: opposition in succeeding in the marriage. Opposition happens in a couple’s life for many different reasons and can come in many different forms. The target of opposition is to keep your marriage from its God-given destiny —becoming what God intended it to be.

As Greg and Erin discussed in the previous chapter, the attack and opposition can come from different sources and external circumstances, be it from finances, your job(s), the influence of culture and entertainment, friends, family, and so on. There are internal attacks, such as self-doubt, criticism, the pressure to find our own identities as individuals, and how to fit in within the marriage. Attacks can be sudden and come without warning. One thing is for sure: You cannot fight these battles alone!

Build and Protect Your Marriage

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is from the book of Nehemiah. It’s such a rich book with so many life lessons woven into it. Although it isn’t a story about marriage, while reading it, I can’t help but be moved, convicted, and inspired about the parallels and principles it can bring to marriage.

Nehemiah tells the story about the Israelites rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. The city of Jerusalem was the city of God, the place where the Israelites came to worship. Considered sacred, a city without walls, it lacked protection from an enemy attack.

This is how the story began:

“Come —let’s build the wall of Jerusalem and not live with this disgrace any longer,” [Nehemiah said to the people.] I told them how God was supporting me and how the king was backing me up. [And the people] said, “We’re with you. Let’s get started.” [So] they rolled up their sleeves, ready for the good work.

NEHEMIAH 2:17–18, MSG

How does this account relate to the first year of marriage? The city of Jerusalem represents marriage. Just as God had a desire and a destiny for the city of Jerusalem, He has a desire and a destiny for each marriage. Nehemiah cared deeply about the city. It was where his family lived, it was sacred to his community, and it represented something much larger than himself. The walls had been placed around the city to protect the work that was going on in the city. Although Nehemiah was in charge of rebuilding the walls, he couldn’t do it alone. The task would require a community of people willing to work and stand guard and use their time and talents for a specific outcome.

This community of Nehemiah’s was strategic: “The common laborers held a tool in one hand and a spear in the other” (4:17, MSG). The people knew that while rebuilding the walls (using the “tool”), they had to simultaneously protect themselves and the city (using the “spear”). As you begin to build the foundation of your marriage, it’s crucial to be on guard, protecting it at all times.

Building your marriage while protecting it go hand in hand. Stone by stone, brick by brick, you can build your marriage by using the twelve key behaviors you’ve learned in this book:

  1. Leaving your parents and cleaving to your spouse.
  2. Making a lifelong commitment by eliminating divorce from your vocabulary and reminding each other that you’ll be together “until death do us part.”
  3. Honoring each other, cherishing your spouse as a priceless treasure, and regularly nourishing your spouse in ways that speak love to him or her.
  4. Sharing spiritual intimacy and connecting spiritually by attending church regularly, studying the Bible, and praying together.
  5. Cultivating a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.
  6. Fostering positive communication —knowing your spouse and being willing to be known.
  7. Valuing your unique differences.
  8. Creating realistic and clear expectations.
  9. Practicing healthy conflict management so you can move into the deepest levels of intimacy and connection.
  10. Sharing responsibility as a team —making decisions as teammates around roles and household responsibilities in a way that feels good to both of you.
  11. Pursuing financial peace and harmony by managing your finances in a way that honors God and your spouse.
  12. Coping with stress and crises by guarding your heart and marriage when storms and trials hit.

These twelve behaviors are powerful, but I want to add another powerful habit that will help build and protect your marriage during the first year: Surround yourselves with a godly community. A community like this should foster vulnerability and accountability so that each person will feel valued and cared for while being held accountable to live according to biblical principles and values. Finding a great couple to mentor you is another means of protection. Having this third party to bounce things off of and to guide you in the right direction will be priceless for your relationship.

Identify Your Community

We learn best when we expose our weaknesses to others and allow our vulnerability to guide us into a process of growth through the power of authentic community. Community is a vital part of marriage. Surrounding yourself with a few key couples will be essential to the success of your marriage. The best way to do this is to look around in the circles you’re already a part of and identify a few couples whom you respect and who share like-minded values.

Chances are that you’re already doing life with these people, and just taking a few steps of intentionality can help you build a stronger relationship with them. A great way to do this is to start or join a small group together, or even set specific times to get together to talk openly and honestly with each other. In our busy lives, it’s so easy to miss being intentional with relationships. Take them to the next level, beyond the surface, and engage in true community the way God designed it to be. He never intended for you to walk alone, even as a couple, but to be in community together.

Do Life Together

The book of Acts describes what genuine community looks like:

They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.

ACTS 2:42–47

As you look around at your friends, if you realize that you don’t have these kinds of couples in your life, maybe it’s time to find some new friends. The community you surround yourself with has the power to build up or tear down your relationship with your future spouse. Choose wisely. Pray and ask God to help you choose those you will allow to invest in your lives. Also ask God whose lives He would like you to invest in. Just because you’re new at this marriage thing doesn’t mean you can’t pour yourselves into others’ lives as well. While it’s important to surround yourself with people who will care about you both and keep you accountable in your Christian walk, it’s also okay to find friends who aren’t just like you. Shine a light for others in your community who may still be searching when it comes to faith.

Practice hospitality. Invite friends into your home as well as into your life. Share meals together. Don’t worry about having the perfect place settings or whether you can serve a gourmet dinner. People just want to be included and loved, even if it’s over pizza and plastic plates! Be intentional about building real relationships.

Don’t Give Up

Another essential principle to apply during your first year of marriage is perseverance. Nehemiah described this principle in action as the Israelites rebuilt the city walls: “We kept at it, repairing and rebuilding the wall. The whole wall was soon joined together and halfway to its intended height because the people had a heart for the work” (Nehemiah 4:6, MSG).

There is no magic formula to finding the right people to be a part of your lives, but one thing is critical, they have to know and love you enough as a couple to speak truth into your lives. They have to “have a heart for the work.” Feel-good friends, who care too much about what you think of them to speak truth to you, won’t be a helpful resource long term. You need people who will create objectivity and movement in your relationship —people who love you just as you are but can see the potential of who you can be.

I recently heard a story of a couple who was in such a community. Tiffany and Jeremy Lee, caught up in the busyness of life, drifted apart. They found themselves disagreeing on everything and came to the conclusion that their marriage just wasn’t working out. Ten years and two kids later, they were ready to call it quits. A few weeks later, Jeremy moved out.

Tiffany called one of their close couple friends and told them what Jeremy had done. On the other end of the line, the husband had to excuse himself for a moment because he became physically sick. Once he was able to compose himself, he returned to the call and said, “I’m sorry, but we’re not going to allow your marriage to fall apart.” He hung up the phone, prayed, and came up with a plan to help.

Are there people in your life who care that much about you and are willing to dive in for the sake of your marriage? This is the kind of community you need to find —the kind of community that will encourage you but loves you too much not to take action.

Thankfully this story had a happy ending. In the four months that Tiffany and Jeremy were separated, their close couple friends gathered many other couples around them to speak truth into their lives and help get them back on track. Two months into the separation, Tiffany and Jeremy started dating again. Two months after that, he moved back home.

Now this couple is using their story of how God used community to save their marriage to help and encourage other couples who are in the same place they were.

Simple Ways to Approach Your First Year of Marriage

As you get closer to your wedding day, it’s important to remember that you want your marriage to have a strong start. Let’s look at a few practical ways to build and protect your marriage during your first year.

Take a “Leave of Absence” from Other Relationships

Think of the way the military grants time off to its soldiers. A leave of absence is defined as “permission to be absent from duty, or the period for which such absence is granted.” Interestingly, the Scriptures make this same provision for newlyweds:

If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.

DEUTERONOMY 24:5

As a newlywed couple forms their marital relationship, the two need to be given permission to be absent from the “duty” of being someone’s son, daughter, sibling, or friend. A new couple needs a period of time to formulate their new relationship without the pressure of maintaining other kinds of relationships.

Once you get married, you’ll literally need a leave of absence in which others don’t expect you to be proactively working on outside relationships. For a period of time, you’ll need to disengage from anyone or anything that could potentially interfere with “cleaving” to your new spouse. But remember, as Ted Cunningham talked about in chapter 2, you’re not severing your relationships with parents, siblings, extended family, and friends. Leave of absence means “permission to be absent from duty, or the period for which such absence is granted.” Severing, on the other hand, means that you totally cut off those relationships and allow them to die in the same way you would amputate a diseased, dysfunctional limb. I’m not advocating that! Leaving means reprioritizing your relationships: God is number one, your spouse is number two, and others are number three. You are lessening the emphasis you formerly placed on previous core relationships.

A logical question might be, “How long should the leave of absence last?” After all, most workplaces give new parents six weeks’ leave of absence. Since couples differ, no standard amount of time exists. Instead, I encourage you to think about what specific things need to take place to cement your new relationship. Once those things occur, then you could end the leave of absence.

One word of caution: Feeling a special closeness and bond as friends, boyfriend and girlfriend, and as one another’s fiancé(e) is much different than cleaving as husband and wife. If you’ve had a long dating history or engagement, or if you’ve known each other many years, you’ll still need extended time to become one as a married couple. Take a leave of absence.

Find a Good Church to Plug In To

This has been touched on before, but it bears repeating: As a couple, you’ll need to find a place where you can connect to other believers, grow closer to Jesus and to each other, serve others, and pour out your faith in practical, tangible ways. For Christians, a church community is a great place to fill these needs. Nothing good ever comes from isolation. In isolation you grow skeptical, critical, judgmental, selfish, and weak. You weren’t meant to be alone, in fact; you were designed for community. That’s why, in Matthew 18:20, Jesus said that “where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” Yes, He is always with you, even when you’re alone, but He emphasized community because there is power in it. After all, Jesus is community —the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. If you’re working to become like Jesus, then community isn’t an option. It needs to be part of your lifestyle. In community, you can fully flourish as a couple.

Multiple transitions or moves before you find the right church community that fits your needs is very normal. Be committed to finding a biblically based church that prioritizes community. A great place to start is to check out churches via their websites. Typically a church will share what is most important to them. If they seem to be family friendly, they most likely have plenty of programming for young couples and families. Once you identify a few churches that seem to be the right fit, take the next step and check them out with a visit. Be sure to explore their statement of beliefs to confirm that they line up with Scripture (since, of course, that’s the most important aspect of a church).

Be consistent. Plugging in to community isn’t a two-week or two-visit process. It requires time. Measure it in months, not weeks. Relationships take time to forge, and often it’s the second or third interaction with another couple that finally clicks. Consistency in your pursuit will help decrease the amount of time it will take for you to get connected into the right group. Plugging in to a class or small group in your life stage is a great place to start. Be patient!

Find a Couple to Mentor You

Nehemiah highlighted another essential for your first year of marriage:

So I stationed armed guards [mentors] at the most vulnerable places of the wall [your relationship] and assigned people by families [community] with their swords, lances, and bows. After looking things over I stood up and spoke to the nobles, officials, and everyone else: “Don’t be afraid of them [the enemy]. Put your minds on the Master, great and awesome, and then fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes.”

NEHEMIAH 4:13–14, MSG

Throughout our twenty years of marriage, my wife and I have been blessed with great mentors who have come alongside us and have carefully spoken words of wisdom, affirmation, and correction into our lives. Although these couples have changed through the years as we’ve moved to different places and have been in different seasons of life, the profile of each couple was essentially the same. They were all at least somewhat older than we were, they loved God and put Him first, they had been through hard times and had a thriving marriage because of it, and they loved us and wanted to see our marriage succeed.

As you can imagine, their influence helped form and shape the couple we are today. God strategically placed these priceless people in our lives to encourage us and challenge us. We’ll always be thankful and grateful for all they invested in us. They have been the inspiration and motivation behind our passion and drive to pour ourselves into others’ marriages and lives.

Mentors are so important in our lives, and being a mentor is too. I love John Maxwell’s concept of the 360-degree leader who understands the importance of having an older mentor in his or her life, the importance of peer mentors, and the importance of being a mentor in someone else’s life. The visual is this: one in front (older mentor), one on each side (peer mentors), and one behind (the person you are mentoring).

I hope you’ve been regularly meeting with a mentor couple as you work through this book. If so, I encourage you to meet with your mentor couple once a month during the first year of your marriage. Trust me, once you start the daily process of building a marriage together, many of the things you’ve read and learned in these pages will make sense in a very different way. Having a mentor couple during this pivotal time will pay dividends beyond your wildest dreams. If you haven’t had a mentor couple up to this point, the process of finding one doesn’t have to be difficult. A great way to find one is similar to what I shared earlier about finding your community. Share a meal together, serve together, and be intentional with the people who are already in your life. Once you identify a couple, ask them if they would consider mentoring you or meeting with you and your fiancé(e) on a regular basis. It would be rare for a couple to pass up this opportunity, especially if they already have a connection with you.

Often, churches have established mentoring programs that you can plug in to. This can be another way to get started if you’re new to the area or just aren’t sure how to go about finding a mentor couple to walk alongside you.

Find Ways to Serve

The key to success for Nehemiah’s community was that they were willing to roll up their sleeves and get to work. They valued service as critical to caring for one another and accomplishing their goals. When we serve, our attention moves from us to others. Being a servant is at the heart of marriage. Making a habit of serving others early on in your marriage is so valuable. It will draw you together as you give of yourselves. It’s just another step in your pursuit of becoming more like Jesus. Serving alongside others also provides the opporunity to build friendships and meet others who are like-minded and share some of your values.

Great places to serve are in your local church or community. I don’t think you’ll be hard-pressed to find opportunities. As a wife, you might volunteer with the women’s ministry at your church, which is a great way to build female friendships. As a husband, you might join a men’s Bible study, offering to help with setup and takedown after each meeting. This is also a great way to build relationships with guys in your community.

Other possibilities include serving in the nursery at church or in a children’s Sunday school class, feeding the homeless at your local soup kitchen, visiting with residents at a retirement home, or volunteering to watch a neighbor’s kids so she can spend a few minutes at the store without begging kids in tow.

Some of the greatest holiday memories for my wife and me over the years have included serving the homeless at Thanksgiving, giving out gifts at Christmas to parents who can’t afford them, and holding babies in orphanages in Panama. It’s amazing how putting others first helps put a fresh perspective on our relationship. It makes us thankful and grateful for what we have, while feeling blessed that we can share our abundance with others.

Don’t Stop Dating!

Community is very important, but so is having time alone as a couple. After the wedding, couples may find themselves thinking that now that they’re married, there is no need to date. After all, their life is one big date. They eat meals together, do chores together, watch TV together —everything they do is together. Apart from their time at work, their lives are one big togetherness. Because this is true, it is easy for couples to let their marriages turn into the routine, the mundane, the regular, the comfortable, and the boring. Dating is the art of saying, “You’re still special! I still want to get to know you more. What you have to say is valuable. You’re still fun to be with, you’re still worth spending money on, and you’re still worth pursuing.” Most often dating is seen as the precursor to marriage. In reality, it’s a vital ingredient for a thriving marriage.

Couples have all sorts of excuses for why they stop dating after marriage:

And the list goes on!

Do you know that married couples who date on a regular basis significantly increase their relationship satisfaction?

Why is that? Because married couples who date . . .

Dating and spending time together apart from your regular routine will help keep your marriage healthy and vibrant. Especially as kids enter the picture, it will say to them that your husband-wife relationship is important, valuable, and set apart. In addition to dating, I highly recommend making time for weekends away, special trips together, and marriage retreats. Any extended time together out from the ordinary can give you a fresh perspective and time to focus on each other.

As you continue through this first year of marriage and into the years ahead, I want to offer you some encouragement. Becoming one as a couple isn’t an instantaneous occurrence that takes place after the pastor pronounces you Mr. and Mrs. Rather, it’s a lifetime in the making. So drop those preconceived notions and cut yourselves some relational slack. You may think you know each other now, but you have no idea what time and circumstances will expose. What joy and hardship will reveal. How growing to be more like Jesus will change the couple you are today.

Babies are born into this world with about 300 bones (give or take a few). And they need every one of those 300 bones to make it through the birth canal. A baby’s skull, alone, is comprised of forty-four different bones! These bones are pretty flexible —still essentially cartilage at this stage —so they can fit a head the size of a coconut through an opening the size of a plum. You see, it takes about eighteen years of life for a baby’s bones to fuse together. By the time they reach adulthood, they will have a total of 206 bones. Amazing, isn’t it? Three hundred to 206 bones —now that’s a big difference! It takes the process of time, growth, and sometimes even pain to conform to the design God intended.

Marriage is like a baby. You come into this union with a total of 600 bones. You’ll need every one of those 600 bones to make it through the birth canal of your first few years of life together. Your bones need to grow hard and strong to support the structure of your marriage in the years ahead. As you grow closer, learn more about each other, compromise, let God transform you, let your community speak into your relationship, and selflessly serve others, your marital bones will begin to fuse together. As with a baby growing into adulthood, there are no shortcuts to this process. Much time and effort and a lot of prayer will need to go into the process for the two of you to become 412 bones —for the two of you to become one.

I’m so excited because you have the opportunity that many couples miss! You can learn to build and protect your marriage from the day you say “I do.” You can be intentional about surrounding yourselves with a great community. You can pour yourselves into others’ lives and marriages as you learn to serve sacrificially together. Like Nehemiah, you can take action, press through, pray and obey, work hard, refuse to give up, thwart the Enemy’s schemes, follow God’s lead, organize, encourage, meet opposition head-on, confront injustice, refuse discouragement, and never stop until the walls are built.

God has great plans for your marriage, and this is just the beginning!

TIM POPADIC is president of the Relationship Enrichment Collaborative. He travels around the country helping churches, communities, and organizations create Date Night programs to impact the relationships within their communities (DateNightComedyTour.com). Tim has been in full-time pastoral ministry for the past twenty years. Most recently he served as the pastor of marriage and family at Christ Fellowship Church in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. He’s worked with thousands of couples and families across the country helping enrich couples in their relationships, as well as training up hundreds of mentor couples. He is a trained marriage and family therapist (MFT) and speaks nationally at conferences and workshops on being intentional in relationships. Tim and his wife, Beth, have been married for twenty-one years and have four boys.

Ready to Talk

  1. Besides your immediate family, can you think of three people who really want your marriage to succeed? How do you know they’re committed to your success? How could you thank them for caring and make them part of your support system?
  2. Think about your current church involvement. Does it really provide you the kind of community that will help your marriage stay strong? If so, how? If not, which of the following might get you to the next level?
    • Getting to know the pastor better
    • Joining a small group
    • Meeting people by working together on a project
    • Signing up for a class on marriage
    • Finding a different church
    • Other _______________________
  3. When you hear the term marriage mentor, what do you think of? What teachers, coaches, or tutors helped you learn school subjects or athletic skills, or mentored you in other areas? How did that mentoring relationship work out? What would it take to convince you to try that kind of approach to improving your relationship?

Ready to Try

Feeling hesitant about the idea of sharing with others the “secrets” of your relationship, especially mentors who might give you advice or hold you accountable? You’re not alone. Try just a small first step and see how things go. Start by asking another couple —perhaps good friends with whom you’re both comfortable —to conduct a little experiment with you. Invite them to spend an afternoon or evening with you doing something that doesn’t require great skill or concentration (e.g., going to an art festival or zoo, window shopping, miniature golfing, etc.). Ask the other couple to give you feedback afterward on the way you and your future spouse appeared to relate. Let them choose the aspect to comment on —the tone of voice you used, perhaps, or whether you seemed to be listening to each other. Try to avoid being on your best behavior for them. The goal is to find out what it’s like to be open to someone else’s observation and feedback —not to impress anyone. Finally, discuss with your spouse-to-be what you might learn from the other couple’s impressions.