CHAPTER 8
WE ARE SO DIFFERENT!
John Trent, PhD
“HOW DID WE GET HERE?”
Angelina (whom everyone called Angel) kept asking herself that question. Out of all her friends, Angel felt that she and her husband, Bryan, would sail through marriage. After all, both of their parents loved and cared for them and had modeled healthy marriages. Both came from families of genuine faith. Angel had seen so many of her friends, who grew up in tough, uncaring backgrounds, struggle later in their marriages. But she and Bryan had seen up close and personal what a strong marriage and family looked like.
Not only that, but they’d chosen to be as prepared as they could for marriage. They had listened to countless podcasts and read loads of Christian books on marriage and relationships after they got engaged. They carved out time to do their own Bible study on marriage as well. They even attended an eight-week premarital preparation course at their church —a good course that seemed to hit all the bases they’d need to have a great marriage.
Most of all, Bryan and Angel were sold-out, real-deal believers in Jesus. Not just visitors at church every other holiday. They were committed to loving Jesus personally, and both of them wanted their marriage to reflect His love. For example, the Sunday after they got back from their honeymoon, they started attending a great church near their home and serving in the children’s ministry. They even joined a Life Group, a small group of couples all about their age, that met every other week. Each meeting focused on a positive way of doing life together, and the group provided a community of positive people who encouraged and cheered Bryan and Angel on in their marriage.
With all they had going for them, how could Angel be thinking about ending their relationship and running away? Equally terrible, she knew she wasn’t the only one feeling that way! Angel could see that same hurt, uncertainty, and questioning every time she looked in Bryan’s eyes. Even more, she saw and felt it in the way he was starting to pull away from her both emotionally and physically.
The fact was that something had changed between them. Throughout the time they dated and during their first several months of marriage, Angel had been so impressed with Bryan’s drive, ambition, and energy. He was a strong, decisive leader but also respectful of others. He seemed so secure and ready to take the lead in their relationship —to move them toward a positive future.
Now, while he still looked like the Bryan she had married, it was as if someone else had taken his place relationally! The person she was living with wasn’t respectful; he was a steamroller! He was loud, rash, and impulsive. He ignored her feelings, and it seemed as if he went out of his way to cut her out of decisions, large and small. In short, there was a right way, and it was his way. And if she didn’t like it, there was the highway —or at least that’s how Angel felt.
Where had all those positive strengths gone that had once drawn her to him?
In her heart of hearts, Angel knew that a change had taken place in the way Bryan looked at her as well. In their courtship and early in their marriage, everything just seemed so easy. They had just “fit.” If Bryan was quick to make decisions, Angel complemented him by being methodical and making sure they sat down and worked on a plan.
Bryan had always appreciated Angel’s laid-back personality and her natural ability to sense when others were hurting. If someone needed help, she was quick to jump in and serve, or she’d show up at their place with help or encouragement. He’d seen these qualities as Angel’s strengths, the very reason he’d fallen in love with her. But now, after just a year of marriage —less time then they’d dated and had been engaged —those same traits had turned into teeth-grinding negatives for Bryan!
Instead of Angel being methodical, Bryan thought she was slow and asked way too many questions. She seemed fearful and unwilling to make decisions. She wasn’t just sensitive; she was hypersensitive and too emotional over nothing. And while she was serving others, it seemed to Bryan that even that trait had gone from something positive to a negative. It was almost as if helping others was an excuse to get away from him, swallowing any time or goals they had together.
For both Bryan and Angel, it was as though a terrible switch had been made that was robbing them of their happiness and joy. The very things that had drawn the two of them together were now pushing them apart. Even to the point of questioning whether their marriage could last!
How could that have happened?
The key reason why this happened with Angel and Bryan, and why it does with most couples, is what this chapter is all about. Particularly early in a marriage, there is, in fact, a “switch” that impacts almost every couple to some degree. And it’s linked with understanding how our unique personality differences can indeed lead us to feelings of incompatibility.
As you prepare to head into the adventure of marriage, here’s the truth that can enrich or even save your relationship later on. Your own unique, God-given strengths —and the differences your future spouse brings with his or her unique set of strengths —can actually be grounds for a great marriage!
Value Your Differences for a Great Marriage!
The stress from facing differences in a marriage can be unnerving and hurtful. But it doesn’t have to ruin your relationship! You can move from resenting differences to valuing them —and your spouse —particularly when you choose to actively and purposefully seek to understand your own unique, God-given personality strengths and those of your fiancé(e) as well.
Proverbs 3:13 tells us, “Blessed is the man [or woman] who finds wisdom [and] gains understanding.” As you better understand your own and your future spouse’s strengths, you’ll . . .
- learn why becoming a student of his or her strengths gives you an incredible edge in solving problems and making better and wiser decisions as a couple than you ever could have made individually;
- see how a key to identifying and dealing with your own weakness, in relationships at home and at work, is learning what happens when your strengths are pushed to an extreme; and
- discover a way, together, to continue “seeing” your future spouse’s strengths, which will increase caring, closeness, and positive feelings in your marriage during each new season of life.
It Starts with Understanding Your Unique, God-Given Strengths
Really “seeing” your own unique, God-given strengths, and those of your future spouse, begins by understanding that we are all “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). We are unique creations of God, crafted with strengths and abilities to reflect His love and life. For example, this idea of each of us expressing unique personality traits can be seen in Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child . . . in keeping with his [or her] individual gift or bent” (AMP, emphasis added). In other words, each child has a specific “bent” or way he or she is shaped to do life —a unique set of personality strengths, gifts, and abilities (including spiritual gifts, if the child is a believer). This “bent” —our strengths —acts like a relational DNA map of how we approach life.
These personal God-given strengths are so often the very qualities that attracted you to your fiancé(e) in the first place. For example, my wife, Cindy, and I had so many differences, one of the only things we had in common was that we were both married on the same day! On a serious note, we had lots of positive things in common when we dated and married. We both shared a love for the Lord. We had a mutual desire to have a strong Christian marriage and family. But what really drew us together were our differences. And they were indeed many.
For example, Cindy is left-handed; I’m right-handed. Cindy is a saver (thankfully); I’m more of a spender (unfortunately). She’s a morning person; I’m a night person. She wants to work, finish tasks, and then play. I want to play . . . and then play. My wife wants the toilet paper to go off the top of the roll. I just want it there!
All these differences (as well as the male-female ones, of course) deeply attracted us to each other. It was as though we were two halves of an apple coming together to make one delicious Washington State apple. But after only six months of marriage, it was more like applesauce!
Like Angel and Bryan earlier in the chapter, my wife and I had different ways we were “bent” in approaching almost every area of life. We had a different bent or approach in the way we made decisions —one fast and one slow. We were different in how we faced (or didn’t want to face) problems. We were very different in the way we dealt with new people and new information. We also had different levels of trust or needs to “validate” facts or people. And we were very different in how much lead time we needed to move in a new direction. In almost everything from finances to the way we drove a car to how we did the laundry, we approached life in very different ways. And that caused stress and strain early in our marriage as we tried to understand how to blend two individual bents into one home and marriage.
Yet for Cindy and me, and for Angel and Bryan (and maybe for you and your future spouse as well), the key to turning those differences from frustration points into incredible benefits came when we chose to actively, purposefully, and positively “see” and value each other’s strengths.
To help you develop this ability, I’d like you to take a short survey I first created when I was in graduate school. It’s the same instrument that my lifelong friend Gary Smalley and I adapted to use in a book we wrote on blending personality strengths, titled The Two Sides of Love. This instrument is called the LOGB Personal Strengths Survey. You’ll find a copy of this assessment in appendix B (along with instructions) for you to take. Or feel free to go to www.strongfamilies.com and take an online version of this same tool by clicking on a button on the website that says LOGB.
Stop! Take a few minutes to complete your personality profile before continuing. Once you’ve completed the profile, share your graph with each other. Then we’ll look briefly at what it means if you scored high in the L, O, G, or B boxes. (Keep in mind that it’s not uncommon to score high or even “tie” in more than one category.)
A “Living” Picture of Your Strengths
While most personality tools use words to describe people, I’ve often seen people resist the labels they’re given or not understand the words that categorize them. So I decided to use a different approach to help people step toward the description of who they are. Since most people love and are very familiar with the way certain animals act, I developed the following personality-assessment tool using those animals.
As you read through the four animal descriptions (Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever, and Beaver), underline the characteristics that sound most like you. Then total your score in each category and identify the highest-scoring category to determine your dominant personality type. If you scored high or tied on more than one scale (for example, the Lion and the Otter tied as your highest scores), carefully read both descriptions that apply to you. Remember that we’re a blend of all four of these basic personality types, with a few of us being purebreds. And know, too, that while this instrument can give you a valid picture of who you are today, that picture can change over time as you grow, mature, and go through different life experiences.
1. The Lion. Those who scored highest on the Lion scale have personality strengths that motivate them to naturally take charge and be assertive. They love taking the lead and generally know which way they want to go.
That natural ability and confidence to move toward a goal or objective is a great strength for Lions. They’re naturally competitive and often self-starters. They don’t mind challenges. At work, they often end up as the boss or in a position that lets them jump in and be actively involved in directing activity around them. Lions want to do things “now!” and hate to waste time when they could be getting something else done. This means they generally want to make decisions quickly, with or without all the facts. Or they want to solve a problem “now” —even if it’s eleven o’clock at night!
Lions are fast-paced, competitive, and goal driven. That often means they look at questions from others (particularly from Beavers, who love to ask clarifying questions) as slowing them down, not aiding or helping them. And in everyday conversation, they most often don’t want to hear every detail of someone’s day —just the high points.
These are all strengths, but as you’ll see with Lions, Otters, Golden Retrievers, and Beavers, each person’s core personality strengths, if pushed to an extreme, can become their biggest weaknesses in relationships (at home or at work).
Lions, particularly under pressure, can be so decisive that they struggle with slowing down to listen to or seek input from others before making a decision. They’re often so driven to push forward and get something done, they can communicate by their actions or nonverbal communication that a task is more important than people, or others’ feelings. Again, under pressure, if they feel their time is being wasted or a decision is being blocked, they can be impatient, argumentative, or even pushy.
Lions are great people and great spouses. They can accomplish much for the Lord and their families and raise great kids. So if almighty God has given you a Lion to do life with, look forward to accomplishing great things together.
When a Lion gains the wisdom to slow down and seek to include others —proactively asking for their input and valuing their questions and insights —he or she will become a great leader as well. A wise Lion will take the time to really “see” the strengths of the people God has placed in his or her life.
2. The Otter. Otters are fun loving, enthusiastic, playful, and encouraging. They love people and love to talk. That’s one reason why they know hundreds of people but don’t know anyone’s name! Otters —purebred Otters, in particular —don’t focus on details, like names. But they’re so naturally friendly and engaging, they can form friendship bonds quickly with others and often end up being the center of attention.
They’re creative and full of energy, enthusiasm, and life. For example, Otters love starting things. Sometimes that means they don’t finish everything they start, but not finishing something doesn’t bother them the way it does other personalities (like Beavers). Otters have a great time getting things launched.
Overall, Otters are optimistic and can see the potential in ideas they take to heart. But often they don’t see the risks associated with those ideas —which means they don’t always take time to read instructions (or a prospectus before investing!). Otters lead with their hearts and are excitable. They often use lots of words, energy, and gestures when communicating.
Take all those great characteristics and push them to an extreme, and Otters can come across as unorganized or too fun loving. Others may believe they’re not serious enough when it comes to important discussions or challenges, or that they’re insensitive about not meeting deadlines that affect others.
Otters love people, but again, if their strengths are pushed to an extreme, then under pressure an Otter can become a people pleaser in a way that can put real strain on a marriage or important relationships. Otters under pressure may say yes to everyone in order to be liked but not realize the impact their people pleasing may have on their loved ones, particularly when there’s no time or energy left for their spouse or family after working so hard to please others.
All in all, Otters are great to have on a team or in a marriage or family, with all their creativity, optimism, energy, and life. But wise Otters know how crucial it is to value people around them who are great at following through, being sensitive, and setting a clear path (like Lions, Beavers, or Golden Retrievers).
3. The Golden Retriever. Golden Retrievers are considerate, good-natured, and strong team players. They’re naturally kindhearted and love helping, serving, and looking for ways to come alongside others, particularly if they’re around people who are hurting. For example, at work, the Lion often organizes the Christmas party (but doesn’t actually go), while the Otter loves the idea of a party and tries to talk to everyone there. But the Golden Retriever will sit with one person at the party —either someone the Golden Retriever already knows or someone he or she wants to get to know even better or deeper. Golden Retrievers may also sit with someone who is hurting or struggling and seek to encourage and help that person.
Purebred Golden Retrievers in grade school will actually send themselves to time-out if they do something wrong (as opposed to Lion kids who send their parents to time-out).
Retrievers, like each of the other core personalities, are tremendous people to be married to. But if their strengths are pushed to an extreme, they, too, face issues. For example, Retrievers often tend to avoid problems (or downplay issues) at all costs, saying things like “Let’s talk about that tomorrow” or “Let’s deal with that later.”
Again, circling lots of words in the G box means you have a great many positive strengths! Golden Retrievers rock! For example, they’re world-class at seeking peace and harmony with others and in wanting to see closeness and caring in a home, marriage, or workplace. But there are times when problems need to be faced and dealt with today —not six months from now. Which is why Golden Retrievers need others around them, like a spouse, who have the strength of a Lion or the creativity of an Otter or the detail orientation of a Beaver.
4. The Beaver. Guess what’s on the class ring at MIT (the Massachusetts Institute of Technology)? Or at Caltech? Both of these colleges are arguably two of the finest engineering schools in the world. And both of them have on their class rings . . . a Beaver! That’s because Beaver personalities are God’s little architects and engineers. They’re organized, precise, and detailed. They catch the spelling mistakes that everyone else misses. And if they’re purebred Beavers, they actually like to balance the checkbook! They sleep better knowing exactly, not approximately, how much money they have in the bank. In short, they’re great on follow-through and completing detailed tasks.
Remember the Christmas party from earlier? The Lions organized the party, the Otters came to the party wanting to talk to everyone there, and the sensitive Golden Retrievers sat with one person who needed encouragement. But the Beavers were the only ones who remembered to bring the food! That’s because “Bring food” was on their list. Beavers love to check things off lists!
Like every other core personality type we’ve looked at, when a Beaver’s strengths are pushed to an extreme, Beavers can take other people apart by being critical. Perhaps not verbally or in a loud way, like a Lion who “roars” at others. But if you offend a Beaver (or a Golden Retriever, for that matter), that person can hold on to a grudge for a long time, clearly remembering the offense —and what you were wearing when you offended him or her! That’s opposed to Lions and Otters who tend to get over things and move on more quickly in many cases.
One more thing. While Beavers can be critical, most often they’re really good at taking themselves apart, which means they can be extremely hard on themselves, particularly if they feel they’ve fallen short of a goal, made a mistake, or done something wrong. Thoughts race through their minds, such as Why did I say that? or What did she mean by that? or If only I had . . .
It’s the Beavers’ attention to detail and desire to do things in a quality and correct way that makes them so incredibly beneficial in a marriage, in the workplace, and in other relationships. They can spot problems early on, even when an idea is being shared initially —which is one reason it’s a good idea to invite a Beaver into a conversation. They can help others limit risk and identify challenges that can block or keep something from being successful. Beavers are also great at wanting issues to be dealt with when they’re small, instead of waiting for small problems to turn into crises. For example, they don’t like driving for long distances with the warning light on in the car without getting the car checked or fixed! Beavers finish tasks and close loops and plan today for a positive future —strengths that Lions and Otters often lack and need so much.
What Turned Things Around for Angel and Bryan
Remember Angel and Bryan? What turned things around for them —and what can turn things around for you when it comes to blending your differences as a couple —were three simple suggestions. These suggestions helped Bryan and Angel see their own strengths, and their spouse’s strengths, more clearly. They also helped Bryan and Angel move from viewing each other as an opponent to the ally they once were.
1. Become a student of your future spouse’s strengths. From what you’ve read in this chapter, it’s probably not surprising that when Angel took the LOGB assessment, she discovered that she is a Golden Retriever who is also high on the Beaver scale. Bryan, on the other hand, is literally tied at the very top of both the Lion and Otter scales. This means that when it came to decisions, Angel, as a Golden Retriever, preferred to go slowly and carefully, talking through all the options before they made a decision. She relaxed when she knew they’d covered all their bases and understood the best they could the impact a decision would have on their relationship, their finances, or even their future.
Bryan, on the other hand, wasn’t only strong (a Lion); he was spontaneous (an Otter). So when decisions came up, his goal was to rush in and “get ’er done!” Time was wasting! Instead of gathering all the facts or slowing down to talk to Angel, he’d jump in and make a decision, often without even bothering to include Angel. Then he’d be shocked when she didn’t appreciate and thank him for his quick decision-making skills or the direction he’d taken without her!
The more they both learned about their individual bents and their spouse’s, the more they understood how differently each of them saw life —how differently they approached everything from making decisions to facing problems to picking which restaurant to go to.
And what came with understanding (which helped their relationship tremendously) was seeing why they did things the way they did. Meaning, Bryan wasn’t trying to hurt Angel’s feelings by making fast decisions. It just came naturally. And Angel wasn’t peppering Bryan with questions to frustrate him. She was looking for information to make the best possible decision and help him.
It’s amazing how seeking understanding in a marriage, instead of just reacting to personality differences, can strengthen the relationship and lessen frustration and conflict. And it does something else as well.
2. Be willing to ask yourself, “Are my strengths being pushed to an extreme?” Once Angel and Bryan became students of their spouse’s strengths, they were able to focus on solving issues instead of just attacking each other. And they were able to do something else that’s incredibly important: They became willing to take a hard look at their own lives and how they were using their own strengths with their spouse and others.
Wise couples will start looking at their individual strengths, asking if and how those strengths are being pushed out of balance or to an extreme. Just asking the simple question, “Are my strengths being pushed to an extreme?” can be an incredible help in a marriage. For Bryan, when he chose to ask that question, it opened up an opportunity for reflection and growth that helped him not only in his marriage but at work as well. Bryan realized that not only was he being too forceful and spontaneous with decisions at home, but his strengths pushed to an extreme were negatively impacting his relationships at work. He was great at taking charge, but he became a great leader by slowing down to value and include others in decision making at home and at work.
Upon reflection, Angel had to admit that some of her strengths were being pushed to an extreme as well. She was indeed rushing off to help and serve others but not just to be helpful. She was in fact looking for something she felt “successful” at as an escape from things not going well in her marriage.
Proverbs 12:15 tells us, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice” (ESV). And Proverbs 1:5 says that “a wise man will hear and increase learning, and a man of understanding will attain wise counsel” (NKJV). By seeking wisdom and understanding, and dropping their pride, Bryan and Angel were able to see life from each other’s perspective instead of just their own, and that lead to one final step that changed their relationship.
3. Set aside time to blend your differences. Blending differences in a marriage can transform how a couple makes decisions and faces problems. Bryan, who was always good at taking the lead, suggested that he and Angel do something to keep them moving toward each other, not apart. As busy as they both were working full-time, Bryan suggested to Angel that they take just one hour every Tuesday night to focus on their marriage.
Specifically, they’d head over to the local food court at the mall near their apartment. Then they’d sit down, hold hands, and do two things. First, each of them would share one word from the LOGB assessment that reflected a strength they appreciated about the other person. That way they’d begin their talk by affirming and choosing to value a strength they saw in their loved one. Second, they’d talk together, using each of their God-given strengths and abilities to work together to solve one problem or deal with one issue that had come up during the week.
As a Golden Retriever, Angel loved the idea of carving out time to bless and affirm each other. And she loved having a plan for dealing with problems in an honoring way. By sitting at the food court, Bryan couldn’t get too loud or dramatic when they talked, which helped him (and Angel) stay positive. And Angel loved holding hands and working together to become closer and make life better for them —and eventually for their children. (For eight years, every Tuesday night Bryan and Angel showed up at the food court to affirm each other’s strengths and talk.)
What this couple discovered very quickly was that together they had the whole zoo sitting at their table with them! Bryan brought the Lion and Otter, and Angel brought the Golden Retriever and Beaver. Not only could they make better decisions with the strengths God gave them, but they could make great decisions! And by learning to focus together on beating back a problem or an issue, they gained insight and wisdom that they never could have come up with alone. They actually did need each other!
It was almost as though God had placed them together —differences and all. Which, they realized, was exactly what He’d done! And that’s when they finally moved away from judging each other’s differences to seeing and valuing each other’s strengths.
In 1 Corinthians 12, the apostle Paul shared how in the body of Christ, we’re not all “eyes” or “ears” or “feet” or “hands.” We each bring a unique set of gifts, strengths, and abilities to the table —like different but important parts of the body —that are needed if we’re to have a fully functioning body. In verse 18, we see God’s purpose in putting different people and gifts together: “[He] has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired” (NASB). That word placed is a jeweler’s term. God “places” each of us in the body with the careful skill and consideration that a jeweler does in setting a stone in a ring!
Bryan and Angel came to believe that God had placed them together —like the stone in her wedding ring —with all their differences, “just as He desired.” Together, like that stone, they reflected His light in so many different ways, with each of them complementing the other. By joining together, they brought more light and love into their relationships, and more of God’s love, than they ever could have separately!
Only the Wise Seek Counsel and Understanding
So here’s my challenge to you. Seek wisdom and understanding as you’re faced with the personality differences God has “placed” in your relationship by doing the following:
- Take time to become a student of your future spouse’s strengths, which can help you gain understanding and avoid frustration.
- Be wise and godly by dropping your pride and being willing to ask the question, “Are my strengths being pushed out of balance or to an extreme?”
- Carve out precious time to sit down together as a couple (at home or at a food court near you!) to affirm and bless each other’s strengths and then share and blend together the strengths God gave you when He placed you together.
For more information on LOGB, go to www.StrongFamilies.com. And for more tools and encouragement to build up, affirm, and “bless” your future spouse, visit www.TheBlessing.com, a cobranded site with Dr. John Trent and Focus on the Family that’s part of the Blessing Challenge for Couples.
Ready to Talk
- If you and your future spouse were to meet on an online dating site that compared your personalities based on a list of questions, do you think you’d be declared a match? Why or why not? How important would that be to you? Why?
- Below are various pairings of LOGB marriages. Based on the descriptions given in the chapter, discuss what you believe to be both the positive aspects of these pairs as well as the potential struggles.
- Mr. Beaver and Mrs. Lion
- Mr. Otter and Mrs. Otter
- Mr. Lion and Mrs. Golden Retriever
- Mr. Beaver and Mrs. Otter
- Mr. Golden Retriever and Mrs. Golden Retriever
- Based on this chapter, which of the following might you and your future mate need to watch out for? Why? How will you remind yourselves to do that?
- Clashes between your personalities
- Worrying too much about having different personalities
- Expecting that opposites will always attract
- Thinking that similar personalities will hold you together
- Other ________________________
Ready to Try
At wedding receptions, best men and maids of honor often give toasts, describing aspects of the bride’s and groom’s personalities as they offer this tribute to them. Since you probably won’t get a chance to do this at your own wedding, come up with your own toasts to each other, specifically trying to include details based on each other’s LOGB assessment. Take a few minutes to think through your toasts; then deliver them. If any surprises or questions arise as a result of your descriptions, be sure to talk them over.