Foreword

By Professor Elemental

This book is rude. Awfully rude in fact. I’d shut it now before someone sees you reading it. Honestly, I had to close the curtains, turn off the lights and use the dust sheets to cover the portrait of my Great Aunt Fanny, so that she didn’t stare at me while I was reading it.

In truth, I only agreed to write this forward under the assumption that was a book of instructions on how to make a robotic fox using brass pipes- I had no idea that I would subjected to this sort of filth. I was barely half way through reading the first story before I was forced to stop what I was doing and take a few deep breaths. When that didn’t work, I was forced to strip naked and dive head first into the local pond for a brisk November swim, just to try and clear my head and reduce my shame. Still, I was unaccountably distressed. After I had towelled myself off thoroughly, Geoffery brought me my usual lunch (2 large melons and a banana, with a generous garnish of cream), but even that suddenly looked less appetising than usual.

I carried on reading that afternoon, unable to draw my eyes away from the saucy goings on within. But after reading every story in detail (Some of them twice. Out loud), I was stunned. I was also slightly sleepy.

Perhaps everybody was prey to these carnal desires? What base instincts had I unlocked? That afternoon, did Missus Miggins really leer suggestively, as she passed me my two cherry buns for tea? When I gave Bob the gardener a cheery wave from my bicycle, did he really return it with a filthy wink? Dear God, I even found myself staring at Sadie Bell’s exposed ankle at supper time. I fear that I have become a monster.

So, I implore you, please, don’t read this book. It is rude. Close it now. That’s it.

And whatever you do, don’t turn the next page.