‘Honey, I’m so sorry. I’ve been out of my mind since you ran out of here–’
Anders stood near the canteen, far enough away to give me privacy, close enough to stop me from doing a runner if the mood took me. He looked young in his jeans and T-shirt, though he had to be thirty, the same age as my mum.
I didn’t know what to say to her. She kept saying she was sorry, but I couldn’t say That’s OK because it wasn’t.
So I didn’t say anything.
‘Honey-bun – are you still there?’
Finally, a question I could answer. ‘Yeah, Mum. I’m here.’
‘I’m sorry–’ She’d just said it again. ‘You shouldn’t have had to find out that way–’
Find out what? That I had a father? She’d already told me that much: Andy Neilson, waste of space, we’re better off without him. But she hadn’t told me the rest.
That he’d been looking for me ... And that she’d kept me away by packing up and moving every time he got close...
‘Come back into the hospital, honey-bun, and we’ll talk–’
‘I’ve got swim training,’ I lied. ‘I’m meeting someone to go over some drills to get ready for the carnival.’
Maybe it wasn’t a lie. Maybe Hero would turn up.
The silence on the line roared in my ears. Then her voice, catching, as she forced the words out.
‘You were all I had, honey-bun. All that I had ever had. You were so perfect that I couldn’t be lieve you were mine. I couldn’t bear to let anyone, not even Andy, take you away from me.’
Tears trickled down the line, and I didn’t know whether to feel glad or ashamed that I’d managed to hurt her.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ I said finally, the tightness in my chest choking off the chance to say anything more.
‘OK,’ she whispered. ‘Tomorrow. We’ll talk then.’
I handed the phone back to Anders and walked past him out into the shimmering heat of the car park.
It was another silent trip home.
He pulled up in front of the hydrangeas, turned off the engine and waited for the questions that he must have seen coming.
‘Why does Mum hate you so much?’
He turned and looked right into my eyes. ‘I let her down.’ He exhaled a long audible breath. ‘And she never forgave me.’
I waited, knowing that there was more, and suspecting that it wasn’t going to be anything that I wanted to hear.
‘She asked me, straight out, if I wanted you–’
‘And you didn’t,’ I said flatly. It was what I expected, but that didn’t stop the pain that knifed down, deep in my guts.
‘I was seventeen, I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know anything.’
He shook his head, as though trying to clear it. ‘My dad was pushing me to go to med school. Kept saying a career was the best way to help Lydia. But Lydie wanted us to run away, to get away from that God-awful family of hers. Said she’d wait tables while I painted–’
‘Which is exactly what ended up happening.’ I folded my arms across my chest and sank down in the car seat. ‘You got what you wanted, and she got to work in dead-end jobs for the rest of her life.’
‘No–’ His lips compressed into a tight line. ‘I went to med school and spent six years studying all week and working weekends at Rosie’s Bar in the city to pay my rent.’
That made me sit up. ‘You’re a doctor?’
He shook his head. ‘Being a doctor is all about talking to people. Finding out their story, listening to their problems, figuring out what’s wrong. All day, talking, talking, talking...’
His voice trailed off. We both knew how good he was at that.
‘I didn’t pick up a paintbrush again until after my final exams. I was twenty-four years old. It took me two years to get together enough paintings for my first exhibition.’
His hands clenched on the steering wheel. ‘Lydia wouldn’t take my calls. Returned all my letters, unopened. Every time I tracked her down she’d disappear, taking you with her.’
‘Are you trying to say that she was the one in the wrong?’
‘God, no.’ His lips worked with the effort to get the words out. ‘But she wouldn’t let me explain ... so she never knew ... that I’d finally figured out that she was right.’
‘About what? That you should have been an artist all along?’
‘No–’ His voice was husky; his eyes, a naked gaslight blue. ‘That I should have stuck around, so I could get to know you.’
A tap on the window made both of us jump.
It was Hero, lips clamped solemnly around his teeth.
He stepped back as I pushed the door open, jostling a short, dark-haired woman standing on the footpath. They both held something swathed in tea towels. Something that smelled so good it had reeled Manny out of the house and onto the footpath.
‘Hi, Henry.’ Hero was unusually subdued. ‘Sorry about your mum.’ He handed me the wrapped casserole dish. ‘My mum made you this, for tonight–’ he grabbed the other one out of her hands, ‘–and this for tomorrow night.’
He handed the second meal to Manny who sniffed at it appreciatively. ‘Ah, saffron ... more valuable, weight for weight, than pure gold. My compliments to the chef.’
Mrs Marquez dimpled a smile at him, making him blush.
I cradled the other dish to my chest. It was warm, like the inside of my eyelids. ‘Yes, thanks, Mrs Marquez. This is really nice of you.’
She smiled and patted my cheek. Her teeth were really beautiful – evenly spaced and white – so there was hope for Hero yet.
‘I am baking this weekend. We will bring more food on Saturday,’ she said.
Hero nudged me. ‘Want to come swimming? We can give you a lift.’ He pointed at the old green Commodore parked across the street. Hero’s granddad hung an arm out the open window and waved.
‘ Hola, Henry.’
I twiddled a couple of fingers that I didn’t need to hold onto the casserole.
‘ Hola, Mr Marquez.’
Hero leaned up against the car, trying to keep his voice casual. ‘You know, Burke hasn’t won a swimming carnival since I was in Grade One. You’re kind of our big hope. You’re not going to miss the carnival, are you, Henry? You know, because of your mum...’
I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I wasn’t going back to Perpetual Suckers. Ever. But I couldn’t lie to him outright either.
‘Look, I don’t know if I’ll be able to make the carnival, Hero. I’m not sure when Mum’s coming out of hospital ... I should probably be here, you know, for her.’
He took it on the chin, tucking in his lips and nodding, trying not to show his disappointment. ‘I understand, amigo. Family first, right?’
He tried to smile.
I looked down at the food clutched to my chest, then at Manny, working a corner of the tea towel free to sneak a peek at the contents.
‘But ... I guess I could go with you now, if you want,’ I found myself saying. ‘Give you a bit of a hand with your dives. See if we can’t get you off the blocks a bit quicker in time for the carnival.’
The light leapt back into his eyes and I was glad I’d made the effort to think of someone other than myself.
Anders pulled the dish out of my hands and slung the towel he’d brought to Chermside over my shoulder. ‘You still have those Lost Property togs and goggles?’
I nodded.
‘See you tonight then,’ he said.
I didn’t want to make him any promises, so I nodded at Manny and ran across the road with Hero. Relieved to be doing something that I could handle for a change.