THE ONLY MAN FOR ME
JUNE 5
Format: Long-Form Standard English Text
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EUNI-TARD ABROAD TO GRILLBITCH:
Dear Precious Pony,
Sup, slut? I really wish you were here right now. I need someone to verbal with and Teens just ain’t cutting it. I’m so confused. I went up to Lucca with Ben (the Credit guy) and he was so super nice, paid for all my meals and this gorgeous hotel room, took me for a walk around the city walls and to this insanely good osteria where everyone there knew him and we had a 200 euro wine. I kept thinking about how he would be the perfect boyfriend and I sweated his hot skinny bod. But all of a sudden I would tell him like for no reason that his feet smelled or that he was cross-eyed or his hair was receding (which was a total LIE), and he would get all intro on me, turn down the community access on his äppärät so that I wouldn’t know where the fuck his mind was, and then just stare off into space. It’s not like we didn’t do it. We did. And it was all right. But right afterwards I started having this major bawling panic attack and he tried to comfort me, told me I looked slutty and that my Fuckability was 800+ (which it’s so NOT, because I can’t find anyone in Rome who can do Asian hair) but he couldn’t. I feel so much shame. I feel so undeserving of being with someone like Ben and whenever we walked down the street together or something I just kept picturing him with some beautiful supermodel or some really smart but sexy Mediawhore. Someone he really deserved instead of this fucked-up girl like me.
I got another GlobalTeens from my mom saying basically my dad was at it again. Sally had to sleep in the guest room upstairs and mom had to sleep in the basement, because when he gets really drunk he can’t really handle stairs, or at least you have a lot of warning when he does.
I tried to get Sally to tell me what’s going on but she only said something weak, like Mom spoiled the tofu and dad’s practice has been empty, so it’s mom’s fault, or it’s his patients’ fault, or anyone’s fault but his. Anyway, I’ve been looking at cheap air tickets, because as much as I love spending that bastard’s money here, I know I’m responsible for what happens to Sally and mom.
I think a part of me is falling in love with Ben, but I know it can’t happen, because another, sick part of me thinks that my dad is always going to be the only man for me. Whenever something wonderful happens with Ben I suddenly start to think of all the good things my DAD did and I start to MISS him. You know like he always helped out poor Mexicans when he had his practice in California and if they didn’t have insurance, which was basically always, he would just do their feet for free. I mean what if I’m the bad daughter for leaving him and going all the way to Europe? God, I’m sorry for all this verbal diarrhea. Hey, remember when we lived in Long Beach and you would sleep over? Remember my mom would wake us up at like seven in the morning the next day yelling “Iiiireo-na! Iiiireo-na! Early bird gets worm!” I miss you so much, Precious Pony.
GRILLBITCH TO EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Dear Precious Panda,
Sup, betch? I got your message just as I was getting out of the car at the JuicyPussy in Topanga and I was way sad the whole time. One of the salesladies even verballed me if I were okay and I told her I was “thinking” and she was like “why?”
I don’t know what to tell you. I guess parents can be really disappointing but their the only parents we have. I mean we kind of have to respect them no matter what and if they do hurtful things we should try to get out of their way and be even ten times more loving. I wish you had an older brother like I do because he takes the brunt of everything in our family. It must suck to be the older sister in a family with no mails.
Anyway, as for Ben, I think you are definately doing things just right! He doesn’t know it’s all because of your inner turmoil, he thinks you’re just a real tough slut and that he has to work super extra hard to get you. Does his dick kinda curve down and to the side a little? Gopher’s does (he’s gotten his PhD—his Pretty Huge Dick!) and I was wondering if that was the case with all white boys, the curving. See what a virgin I am? Ha ha.
You know you can verbal me anytime day or night. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing half the time anyways, but I’m so glad that we can confide in each other, because the world sometimes feels so, like, I can’t even describe it. It’s like I’m floating around and the moment anyone gets near me or I get near anyone there’s just this STATIC. Sometimes people verbal me and I just look at their mouth and it’s like WHAT? What are you saying to me? How am I supposed to even verbal back and does it even matter what comes out? I mean, at least you got up and left home and went to ROME! Who does that? BTW, do they sell this brand of pop-off sheer panties called TotalSurrender in Italy? I think they’re from Milan but I can’t even find them on TeenyBoppers or AssLuxury. If they have navy blue I’ll pay you back, I swear. You know my size, slut. I miss you so much too, Precious Panda. Come back to sunny Cali! I think I get crotch itch when I’m on the pill. What is UP with that?
CHUNG.WON.PARK TO EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Eunhee,
How are you today. I hope you do not worry yourself. It is nice you write to Sally. Little sister always look up to big sister. Me and Daddy went to church and we talk together to Reverend Cho. I make sorry to Daddy that I all the time am unconsiderate of how hard he work and that he need everything just perfect, specially soon-dubu which is his favorite! 
Daddy promise that if he not feel well FIRST we pray together to GOD for guide us THEN he hit. Then Reverend Cho read to us Scripture which say woman is second to man. He say man is head and woman is leg or arm. Also we pray together and specially I unclude you and Sally because you and sister are all Daddy and me have. Otherwise we never leave Korea which is now richer country than America and also not have so much political problem, but how we were to know that when we leave? Now even in Fort Lee we see tank on Center Avenue. Very scary for me, like in Korea in the 1980 long time ago when there was Kwangju trouble and many people die. I hope nothing happen in Manhattan to Sally.
So because we leave for you everything behind, you now have big responsibility to Daddy and Mommy and Sister.
I just learn how to make happy sign. Do you like it? Haha. Make me pride of you and expect of you like before.
I love you always.
Mommy
EUNI-TARD ABROAD TO CHUNG.WON.PARK:
Mom, why don’t you and Sally come here to Rome? She can take summer classes next year. We’ll get a bigger apartment and I’ll show you around. You deserve a break from Daddy. There’s a Christian (not Catholic) church here that has services in Korean and we’ll eat delicious food and just have a good time. Maybe it’ll help make me more focused because I know you’re safe and then I’ll be able to score better on my LSAT.
Love,
Eunice
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Sally, do you want TotalSurrender panties? They’re those sheer pop-offs that Polish porn star wears on AssDoctor.
SALLYSTAR: The one with the fake hips?
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: I think so. I can’t get AssDoctor on my äppärät for some reason. Nothing works in Italy.
SALLYSTAR: They’re sheer so you can wear them with Onionskins.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Why not just wear them with regular jeans. That way you can “protect the mystery” as Mom says.
SALLYSTAR: Hahaha. Kwan says some of the FOB Korean girls in LA don’t even use condoms because they want their dates to think they’re virgins. And they’re like 28! Christmas Cake already.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: SICK. But I don’t really get it. You sound like you’re better. Everything okay?
SALLYSTAR: Dad’s feeling better, I guess. He came in to sing with me in the shower.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: IN THE SHOWER?
SALLYSTAR: No, the curtain was there. Duh.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: But it’s a plastic curtain.
SALLYSTAR: Can you get the TotalSurrenders cheaper in Italy? You know my size. Actually I’m one size fatter. Gross.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Stop eating so much! And don’t let Daddy in the shower.
SALLYSTAR: He’s not IN the shower. It’s nice to sing with him. We did “Sister Christian” and the theme song from “Oral Surgeon Lee Dang Hee.” Remember how angry Daddy used to get at that show? What’s that noraebang we’d go to?
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Something-something on Olympic. You should come to Rome for the summer.
SALLYSTAR: Can’t. Classes. And we’re going to DC next week and there’s going to be more protests all thru the summer.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Mommy says she saw a tank in Ft. Lee. Seriously, Sally. Don’t get Political. Come to Rome! There’s this huge outlet mall just twenty minutes away and they have the Saaami fall collection and JuicyPussy’s summer line and everything at least 80 percent off.
SALLYSTAR: I thought the dollar wasn’t worth anything.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: You still save. Hello, 80 percent off. Do the math, nerd!
SALLYSTAR: I can’t come. I got to look out for Mommy.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Bring her with you!
SALLYSTAR: Eunice, how do you think you can just pull things together and make everything change and everyone happy? It doesn’t work like that.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: What should I do? Pray to Jesu that he “changes Daddy’s heart”?
SALLYSTAR: You know I don’t like Reverend Cho but the one lesson I learned in church is humility. This is how it is. This is who my parents are. And I should just accept my limitations and do the best I can with what God gave me. If you don’t think that you’ll just make yourself miserable.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: In other words, just give up on everything and let Jesu light the way. BTW, I already AM miserable.
SALLYSTAR: I haven’t given up on anything. I’m going to be a cardiologist and I’m going to make enough money so that Daddy can retire and not have to worry about smelly white feet anymore. And then we’ll all feel a little better as a family maybe.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Yeah, I’m sure that’ll solve everything.
SALLYSTAR: Thanks for approving my dreams. You’re so much like Dad and you don’t even know it. Stay in Rome. I don’t need two of you here.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: I didn’t mean it.
SALLYSTAR: Whatever.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: I’m very proud of you.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: I’m the fuck up, okay?
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Are you still there? I’ll get you those TotalSurrender panties, but you’re on your own with the nippleless bra.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Sally! You know when you just cut me off like that you really make me sad.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: You know I would do anything to make you and Mommy happy. Maybe I really WILL go to law school and I’ll work in High End Retail and we can buy Mommy her own apartment in Manhattan so that she can be safe.
EUNI-TARD ABROAD: I’m coming home, Sally. Hello? As soon as I find a cheap ticket, I’m coming home.