“So…” I stare at Axel over the rim of my coffee mug.
“So?” He leans back in his seat, waiting.
“You guys need anything else?” Jas asks at the end of our table.
“No, thanks.” I smile at Jas, pointing to my nearly empty plate. “The waffle was amazing.”
“Right? It’s a new recipe,” she informs me.
“Well, tell the chef it’s delicious.”
“Will do.” She flashes us a grin as she stacks our plates.
When Jasmine is gone, Axel leans closer. “So?”
I pull in a deep breath and let it out. Axel and I are dating and the team knows about us but… “My parents are having a dinner on Sunday.”
“Okay,” he says slowly, his eyes searching mine.
“Would you like to go with me?” I fight the urge to squeeze my eyes closed. Things with Axel are new and going well. I don’t want to rock the boat or put pressure on our relationship.
Does he want to meet my parents? I think of Dad and his easygoing smile and friendly jokes. But Mom, what will she think about Axel? What will she think—worse, say—about Axel and me as a couple?
Will she think he’s too mature and experienced for me, the woman who can never hold a man? Will she comment on his having a daughter? On him being a hockey player, and by extension, a playboy?
The thought heightens my nerves. Will she embrace my dating him, or minimize the happiness I’ve found? My parents have always had an open-door policy, but they’re not used to me bringing a man around. Part of the reason I don’t is because of Mom’s judgement.
Josh hated Sunday dinners and rarely accompanied me. In fact, I began skipping them too, just to avoid the questions and my mother’s look of disapproval. Crap, that should have been another sign, huh?
Axel twirls a pepper shaker. “What time?”
“What?” I focus on him.
“What time is dinner?”
“Oh, we usually eat around 6 PM so I aim to get there around five. Missy’s boyfriend, Brennan, and his parents are coming.”
Axel shrugs. “Sure. I can be there.”
His response is unexpected. A flutter of nerves leaves my body at his confirmation that he’ll come, but he doesn’t give anything else away. Is he excited? Nervous? Only coming to appease me? Is meeting the parents even a thing when you’re thirty-six with an adult child?
“Do you have something else on Sunday?”
He grips the back of his neck, shrugging again. “I’ve got some stuff over the weekend. It’s family weekend at UT.”
“Oh, that’s right! It’s such a great time. They do a lot of fun activities up on campus. One year, they did a firepit with s’mores. That was a big hit.”
Axel gives me his half-smile again. “But I can do Sunday. I’ll pick you up.”
“Okay.” I smile, feeling better about his response now that I know he has a stacked weekend with Lola’s school stuff. Plus, his game on Saturday afternoon.
The fact that after such a busy weekend, he’d come to my family home for dinner means a lot. “Thank you, Axel.”
His eyebrows pull together. “Sure. It’s no biggie.”
“Right,” I agree, his words causing my burst of happiness to fade. Is meeting my family not a big deal because it doesn’t mean as much for him as it does to me? Or is it not a big deal because it’s a given that he would meet them since our relationship is progressing?
Stumped, I pick up my coffee mug and take another sip. Axel is the first relationship I’ve been in where I feel like I’m on equal footing. He treats me amazing, shows me how much he wants and desires me, and I’m as comfortable with our conversation as I am with our silence.
I need to stop overanalyzing. I’m in a good place and our relationship is moving in a great direction.
Axel calls Jasmine over to ask for the check.
As he pays, I can’t help but study him, trying to understand the subtext of his easy acceptance—or was it a brush-off—about meeting my parents. I can’t help but squash the little voice in my head that raises a slew of old insecurities.
You are strong and confident, I push back, trying to quench the uncertainty that floods my limbs.
Everything is fine. Great, even.
But as I slip into Axel’s truck and buckle up, I can’t shake the feeling that something is amiss. That something is off between us. It sticks with me for the rest of the week, making me question my new relationship. Making me question myself.
“It’s great to finally meet you!” Indiana Scotch, Coach Merrick’s niece and Coach Scotch’s wife, maneuvers her son Fox in her arms to shake my hand.
“You too.” I smile at her before dropping my gaze to her sweet baby. “And you too, Fox.”
Indy bounces the baby in her arms.
“Indy!” a voice hollers.
We look down into the stands and I spot a gorgeous blonde with bright blue eyes waving both arms over her head. She’s hopping up and down to get Indy’s attention.
Indy snorts. “That’s my cousin, Claire. It’s so weird, playing against the Hawks.”
“Oh, that’s right,” I murmur, recalling that Noah played for the Hawks until his retirement. Now, as a coach for the Bolts, he’s facing off against his former teammates, and family. His brother is a winger for the Hawks and Indy’s cousin Austin is the Hawks captain. “This must feel surreal.”
“Totally,” Indy laughs. Fox begins to fuss in her arms.
“Indy!” Another woman waves.
Fox begins to cry.
“I can rock him for a bit, if you want to go visit with your cousin and friends,” I offer, hoping I don’t come across as desperate.
But Indy doesn’t look panicked by my offer. Instead, relief floods her expression. “Really? You sure you don’t mind? He’ll calm down in a minute or two but—”
“It’s fine.” I reach for baby Fox. “I got him. We’ll be right here.” I glance around, since we’re in the family box, surrounded by the wives, girlfriends, and family members of the Bolts.
“Thank you so much, Maisy. I’ll be right back.” She passes me the baby.
“Take your time.” I cradle Fox in my arms, looking down at his red cheeks and wide eyes. “I got you, little man,” I murmur. Relocating to a quieter corner of the box, I rock him in my arms, whispering soothing words.
He’s a beautiful baby, with the same deep, chocolate brown eyes as his daddy. I can’t tear my eyes away from the gentle curves of his cheeks, the adorable slope of his nose. As I sway with him in my arms, he lets out the cutest yawn, and his eyes begin to close. He fights his sleep, whimpering every few seconds, until he settles. When he’s asleep, I cradle him closer, wanting to shut off the noise of the booth.
“You’re a natural,” a woman remarks.
I glance up into the perceptive eyes of an elderly woman I’ve never met.
I chuckle and shake my head. “I don’t know about that.”
“I do. How many kids do you have?”
“Oh, no, he’s not mine. I, I’m not a mother.”
“Yet,” she says gently, slipping her glasses more firmly up her nose. She glances out toward the ice. “I had six. That’s why I have so many wrinkles.”
“Six kids?”
She laughs. “Yes. And seventeen grandchildren.”
“Wow!” I gasp.
She shakes her head. “But no great-grandchildren close by. My granddaughter, Rose, has three kids but they live in California, so I don’t see them often. And my grandson, Peter, has two but his wife is from Argentina, and they live there now. I wish Beau would settle down and give me some sweet babies, but I don’t think that’s in the cards.”
I grin at her honesty. “Beau Turner?”
“Yep.” She gestures toward the ice. “He’s my son Gerald’s eldest. Eldest of five.”
“Really?” I tilt my head, looking out onto the ice. Beau is in goal and suddenly, I see him in a new light. The eldest of five; I can’t imagine. I think the constant comparisons between Missy and me are difficult to manage. Imagine having three other siblings to contend with?
“Yes,” she sighs heavily. “It was hard on him, losing his parents.” The wrinkles in her cheeks deepen as the grief she’s kept hidden travels over her expression. “It was hard on all of us, but Beau, he took it the worst. Did everything he could to keep his siblings looked after.” She lets out a sound, a cross between a chuckle and a sob. “To look after me too.” Her blue eyes find mine again, the wisdom in them looming. “That’s why he enlisted.”
“I, I didn’t realize Beau served.”
“Afghanistan,” she offers. “Having him back has been a blessing for me. Not for him, I’m afraid.” She rolls her lips together. “I’m not much of a partier these days, although back in my day, I could shake it with the best of them.” She gives a little shimmy and a wink.
I smile.
“But,” she continues, sobering, “he needs time, and space, for himself. My granddaughter, Beau’s sister, is moving back this weekend and she’s going to stay at the house with me. It will be good. For all of us.” She tilts her head. “At least I fucking hope so.”
I laugh, her profanity catching me off guard, but my heart is heavy with the loss she experienced. In my arms, Fox snores softly. His weight, his warmth, nestled against my chest feels more significant than it did a moment ago.
Will I become a mother one day? Will my relationship with Axel develop into a family? I’ve always seen myself having children… If I want a future with Axel, we would need to discuss it. His response when I asked was vague and nothing to bank on.
We need to discuss so many things.
I look back to the ice and Axel, the big, imposing, giant of a man stops his warm-up to catch my eye. We stare at each other for a long moment, his expression severe, eyes zeroed in on me cradling Fox.
Does he see a future with me? One with kids and a noisy house?
“Hey!” Lola appears at my side. Her fingers stroke Fox’s head gently. “I’m glad you came.”
“Hi!” I turn to smile at her and introduce her to Beau’s gran.
When I look back to the ice, Axel’s in position, his body alert, his focus solely on the game. What was that? Did my holding Fox scare him? Snap something into focus, the same way it did for me?
“You’re a lifesaver, Maisy.” Indy grins. “Thanks for getting him to sleep. I can take him if you want.”
I look down at Fox for a heartbeat. “I can hold him a little longer.”
To be honest, I could hold him the entire game. I’ve always known I wanted to create a family but tonight, that reality slid more into focus. I’ve always pictured myself getting married and having children but now, an eagerness to start the life I’ve wished for fills my veins.
“He’s adorable,” Lola whispers.
I ease into the seat beside her. “He really is,” I agree. “How are classes going?”
“Good,” Lola says. “This weekend is family weekend.”
“Oh, that’s right. Are you excited?”
“Totally.” She takes a sip of her soda, raising her hand toward me. “Are you coming to dinner tomorrow?”
“Dinner?” I tip my head to the side.
“Yeah. My mom, stepdad, and brothers are flying in. We’ve got reservations at Clint’s.” She rolls her eyes. “Mom wanted to stay close to campus so we don’t miss any of the events Saturday morning. Dad told you, right? I checked that he was free weeks ago. He usually volunteers at the Children’s Hospital the second Saturday of the month, but I think he switched with someone.”
Her words land in my stomach like boulders, weighing me down and crushing the hope I was beginning to feel about my future with Axel. He volunteers at the Children’s Hospital? Why wouldn’t he tell me that? Why wouldn’t he invite me to tag along?
More than that, why wouldn’t he invite me to his family dinner on Friday night when I just invited him to Sunday dinner? I handed him the perfect opening and he…said nothing.
Fox fusses in my arms and I reposition him, feeling like my dream of motherhood is fading away again.
“He must have forgot.” I shrug, feigning casual.
“Ugh,” Lola groans. “So like him. Anyway, classes are good, but I’ve got this one professor…”
I nod as she launches into a story about her professor. I can’t focus fully on the story because inside, my disappointment is swelling. The unease I’ve felt all week magnifies, eating up space in my mind until it’s the only thing I can think about.
Do I want a more serious relationship than Axel does? Does my vision of our future not align with his?
Hasn’t he given me the signs, showed me, that he wants more too? That this is for real for real? He told me it is!
Fuck. What if he never wants to get married or have more children?
Is it too early to have these conversations? Is it irresponsible, setting us both up for heartache, to not have them?
And the thought that strikes me the hardest—is there room for me in his life? In the family he’s built with Lola and the larger circle he shares with Anna and her husband and children?
On Sunday, he’s coming to my parents’ house for dinner. He’s going to meet Missy and Brennan. Yet he couldn’t be bothered to invite me to dinner with his family tomorrow night. Or even tell me about it.
Or that he volunteers on weekends. It’s like he has an entire life I know nothing about. A routine I’m set apart from.
My chest aches at the realization that I want this more than he does. That my feelings for him are stronger than his are for me.
That once again, I’ve set myself up for disappointment and hurt. For a broken relationship that won’t materialize into the happily-ever-after I long for.