I crunch on another bite of kale salad, my head all over the place.
Beside me, Axel keeps shooting wayward glances. His brow is pinched, his lips thin, his worry obvious. Or is it discomfort?
I’m sure as fuck uncomfortable sitting around this dining table, nodding enthusiastically about the correct shade of white necessary for linen napkins at a wedding.
Unfortunately, Brennan’s mom has a more rustic vision in mind and is pushing hard for the gingham checkered pattern.
But I digress.
“So, Axel,” Dad says, trying like hell to shift the conversation away from wedding planning.
Mom and Mrs. Cutter speak louder. Missy’s neck swivels between the two of them like a ping-pong ball, Brennan looks mortified, his father is half asleep, and somewhere, far, far away, I’m sure his sister is high-fiving herself for ditching this shindig altogether.
“She’s in a computer science program. Coding,” Axel responds to whatever Dad asked and shit, I wince.
I never told my parents about Lola. I never told my parents much of anything because I was going to fill them in on Axel this weekend, before today’s dinner. Before Missy’s engagement became the only plausible topic of discussion.
Silence descends on the table and Axel sits up straighter in his chair.
“You have a daughter?” Mom asks, her eyebrows raised.
“Yes, m’am.” Axel wipes his mouth with a napkin. “Lola. She’s a junior at UT.”
“Maisy went to college there!” Missy exclaims.
“They have an excellent computer science program,” Dad tacks on.
“And your ex-wife,” Mom fishes for information, “does she live nearby too?”
I wish I could sink through the bottom of my chair, land in a puddle on the floor, and dissolve into air. Mortification blasts through me, heating my cheeks and making my stomach ache.
“Never married,” Axel replies hesitantly.
Mrs. Cutter gasps, Mr. Cutter opens his eyes, and Brennan shoots me an apologetic look.
“Oh, well…” Mom trails off, her eyes darting to the Cutters. “More chicken?” she asks the table.
“No, thank you. It’s delicious though,” Axel replies, too polite for the treatment he just received.
“Have you kids thought about an organist for church?” Mrs. Cutter leans over the table, sparing a quick glance at Axel. “You must marry in the church before thinking about a family.”
Dad rolls his eyes.
Sighing, I place my napkin down. Enough is enough. I thought I could get through this, but there’s no way I’ll sit here and allow Axel to be belittled, made to feel uncomfortable, in my parents’ home. “Excuse us.”
Standing, I tug on Axel’s shirt. He gives me a surprised look, ducking his head and mumbling an apology. But he stands and follows me out of the dining room.
My pace is brisk, fueled by the anger burning through my blood. I don’t stop until I’m through the front door, standing on the porch and glaring at the kids who ride by on bicycles.
“Hey,” Axel says softly, closing the door behind him. He sits on the top step and I plop down beside him, mortified and miserable. “You okay?”
I snort. “Are you?”
His frown deepens, his eyes wary as they search mine. “I’m okay.”
I roll my eyes. “Well, that’s great for you.” I know I’m being childish but…how is he not upset by Mrs. Cutter’s remarks? How is he not bothered by the awkwardness between us?
How is he not devastated by the events of this entire weekend?
I sigh, trying to get my emotions under control. “You wanted to talk?”
“Yes.”
I lift my eyebrows at him, waiting for him to continue.
He glances back at the door. “We don’t have to do this right now. We can go back inside and—”
“No,” I cut him off, shaking my head. I can’t stand to have this awkwardness between us for another second. Besides, what are we going to sit down and pleasantly have a slice of pie before breaking up? Why else would he want to talk? My throat tightens and my nose feels itchy. I take another deep breath. “This isn’t working.”
Beside me, Axel jerks as if I tased him. “I know.”
I close my eyes, hating the defeat in his tone. I want him to tell me I’m wrong. I want him to tell me we can fix it. I want him to give me something more than a calm, quiet agreement.
“When I’m with you, I feel like the best version of myself,” I admit, turning to watch his facial expressions. “I love the way you see me.”
Confusion flares in his eyes.
“But it feels like I’m more invested in this relationship, or whatever we’re doing, than you are. I want you to meet my parents and you don’t even tell me you’re having a family dinner. I try to include you in my weekend plans. You never told me that you volunteer at the Children’s Hospital. It feels like I’m pushing for more and I’ve already done that. With Josh, with my other exes. Even at my old job, with Tim. I’m tired of not being enough.”
Axel’s face darkens, anger eating away his confusion. His mouth twists.
But I hold up my hand before he cuts me off. “I want to be on equal footing. I want to have a partner, someone who doesn’t make me feel like a burden, the way Josh did. Or an afterthought, the way you are. I really like you, Axel. A lot. But I’m done settling and this weekend, that’s what it felt like.”
“Maisy…” His voice breaks, his eyes pleading with me to understand.
I stare at him, waiting for his words. Waiting for him to say something that refutes everything I just unloaded.
“I care about you,” he says finally.
“I know,” I agree. I know he does. I know he’s not playing mind games or intentionally trying to hurt me. “I care about you too. But I need more. Honesty and communication and to feel like I’m included in your life. To feel like we have some type of a future together. I’m not asking you to put a ring on my finger”—I wince at the bitterness that underlines my tone—“or promise me the world. But I want to get married one day and have a family and build a life with someone. You don’t even want me to meet your family.”
“That’s not true.”
“Then why didn’t you invite me to dinner on Friday night? Or even tell me about it?”
Axel sighs heavily, raking a hand over his beard. “We’ve only been dating a few months.”
I nod. He’s right. It’s only been a few months and yet, my shoulders drop and I lower my gaze to the ground. “It feels so much longer to me. I don’t want to get hurt again, Axel. Any more than I am right now. And that’s not on you; it’s me. But I can’t accept less than what I give, and it feels like I’m investing a lot more into this.” I look back up, gesturing between us.
Pain rips across his expression, his eyes blazing. He opens his mouth and his phone rings. Axel swears, answering quickly. “What’s wrong?”
Hurt expands in my chest that he would take a phone call in the middle of this conversation, but at the concern in his tone, I bite back my cutting remark.
Axel grips his messy manbun. “Yeah, man. There’s a spare key in one of those fake-looking rocks. It’s the third rock on the left next to that planter Lola made.” He pauses. “No problem. I’ll see you soon.” He hangs up and his gaze swings back to mine. “Sorry.” At the confusion in my eyes—who is staying with him?—he adds, “My brother’s in town.”
It shouldn’t affect me, but his words hit like the recoil of a gun. “Your brother’s in town?” I repeat his words, my tone curt.
“Shit,” Axel swears, closing his eyes. His innocuous statement just proved everything I said. I am an afterthought in his life. He’s not letting me in, trusting me, the same way I am with him. A desperateness flares in his eyes as he stares at me. Seconds that feel like decades pass slowly. I give him time; I give him space to decide what happens next.
When resignation ripples over his expression, I fight for an inhale and drop my head. He doesn’t fight for a different outcome. After a long pause, he warbles out, “If this is what you want...”
I swallow, my throat squeezing painfully. “It is.”
Axel stands and reaches down for my hand to pull me up. His kindness, especially right now, makes my chest ache. “I’m not going to stop caring about you,” he swears it, like a promise.
God, why couldn’t we make this work? Axel is an amazing man. I know he is. He’d make an incredible partner. Husband. I already know he’s the best dad.
I look down, unable to voice any thoughts.
He swears softly but his lips brush, featherlight, over my forehead. “I already miss you, Maisy.”
Then, he moves down the porch steps to his truck. And I feel my heart crack in two.
“Did you give him a chance to explain things?” Mila asks.
I stuff another chip with guac into my mouth and nod.
“And?” she presses.
“He didn’t say much. He kind of just agreed with me.”
“Really?” She wrinkles her nose. “But Devon said—”
“What?” I bark.
Mila gives me a sympathetic look. “Devon says Axel is really twisted up over you.”
Emotion floods my limbs. Preemptively, I swipe underneath my eyes, hoping to keep my tears at bay. “I don’t think Axel purposely tried to hurt me, Mila. I know he cares about me. I know the things he felt, feels, for me are real. But I can’t keep feeling uncertain about where I stand in my relationships. And yeah, maybe that’s partially my issue. But Axel knew that about me.
“When I invited him to my parents’ for dinner, he didn’t reciprocate with an invitation to his family dinner. He never told me on Saturdays that he’s going to volunteer at the hospital, just that he had stuff to do. Hell, he never mentioned that he volunteers anywhere at all! His brother’s in town and guess what? I had no idea. He’s never spoken of a future that doesn’t hinge on Lola’s plans. With how much I feel for him, in another year, I’d be devastated if there wasn’t a future for us. It’s better now, before I’m in even deeper.”
Mila wraps an arm around my shoulder and tugs me into her side. “No one knew about his volunteering. I think it’s something he’s done for so long, it’s just part of his normal routine. He told Devon that talking about it undermines the purpose of doing it. He doesn’t do it for anyone except the kids.”
I curl my feet beneath me and lean on my best friend. That’s such an Axel response—such a good man response—tears well in my eyes. In silence, we watch Lux swim around her fishbowl.
“He might just need more time.” Mila’s voice is low. “You’re a game changer for him, babe. Not everyone sees their future as clearly as you do.”
“He’d destroy me,” I whisper. I already feel destroyed.
“Does this have anything to do with Missy’s engagement?”
I shake my head. “I don’t need a ring on my finger as much as I need to know we have a future. That we have something. Axel is always vague and cryptic. Not just his words, but his actions, too. That means something, doesn’t it?”
Mila sighs. “I don’t know. I hate seeing you like this, Mais.”
“Axel was right about one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“He said we should take it slow. And I really thought I could but…my feelings for him are a giant rush. Maybe I need to step back and process. Maybe I need some time to get my own shit together before I try to involve someone else in my life.”
“Or maybe you need to trust in what you and Axel were building and give him some time.”
I snort, shaking my head. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”
“I am. I want to see you happy.”
I pull back and look at Mila. “Do you think I made a mistake?”
She shrugs. “Not necessarily. It’s just, it’s weird to break up with someone when you both care about each other so much. There’s something between y’all and the promise of more still exists.”
“Then, I need him to show me that.”
The corner of Mila’s mouth curls. “True. Let’s see if Brawler steps up and proves himself.”
Sighing, I lean back against the couch cushion. “I’m not holding my breath,” I say, but secretly, I hope Axel proves me wrong.
I hope he fights for us.