The respect for personal space in Sweden is mesmerizing (and at first a little baffling). When it comes to friendship, Swedes are wary about coming on too strong. It therefore takes a long time to form a friendship, but when you do, it’s a bond that lasts a lifetime. Rather than rushing in, perhaps we can all learn to slow down, take our time to get to know people and truly listen to what they have to say. And who knows? We might find new friends in the most unexpected places!
plainpicture/Stephanie Neumann
‘When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.’
Dalai Lama
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Converse with a Swede and you’ll notice that they very rarely interrupt or talk over anyone else. Voices are kept to even tones (unless there’s schnapps involved), and pauses in conversation are completely acceptable. To Brits, this can feel excruciatingly awkward. Culturally, we’re so concerned about a gap in the conversation that we constantly overlap before people have completed their sentence. Swedes feel slightly awkward in these silent moments, too, but rather than desperately fill the gap with a hurried slew of off-the-cuff words, they’ll make sounds, like a sharp intake of breath or even a sing-song sound like a two-toned ‘hmmm’. This gives them time to reflect on something meaningful that they can contribute.
This type of discourse doesn’t work so well at a cocktail party where small talk abounds, but it will add more meaning to a full conversation. And, like all things lagom, it’s a fairer, more equal conversation where everyone gets a chance to say something, rather than just the loudest person in the room.
The next time you’re in a social situation or enjoying a break at work, I challenge you to give it a go. Slow down the discourse. Really listen to others and reflect on what they have to say. Once someone’s finished speaking, take time to reflect (if needed) before giving a meaningful response. Once you get into the slower rhythm, you’ll find it’s so much more relaxing to speak without fear of interruption. And you might just learn some new, fascinating things about the person you’re speaking to!
Swede’s call it being ‘honest’, my English friends call it being ‘direct’ – either way, you’ll only ever hear the truth from a Swede. There’s a saying in Swedish: ‘Rather an honest “no” than an insincere “yes”.’
Say a Swede notices your new haircut. They’d never say they like it when they don’t, although they’d be way too polite to come out and say they don’t like it unless they know you extremely well. Instead, they’d be silent. This lagom way of being honest (but not overly honest) means you can fully trust a Swede. And although it may hurt, you won’t be walking around with a disastrous haircut for months. Something to think about the next time a friend asks for your opinion …
‘A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.’
Donna Roberts
I’m ashamed to admit that if there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s poor timekeeping. Acknowledging this doesn’t make it acceptable, but I know I’m not alone. Whether going to work, school, the gym or a party, people in many parts of the world are turning up later than ever before. There is, however, an exception: in Sweden. Organize a dinner party and you’ll have guests lining up at your door before you’ve finished drying your hair.
But why? I turned to Sofia, my most punctual friend, for clarification. ‘In Sweden people are used to everything working on time – buses, trains, doctor’s appointments, etc. They therefore have the expectation that whoever they’re meeting will be punctual,’ she theorizes.
In a nation where respect is high on the agenda, punctuality is key. Although social norms vary from country to country, there are many positive incentives to be more punctual and show we care:
Six great reasons to turn up on time
+ It demonstrates respect and kindness towards others.
+ It shows you’re trustworthy.
+ It makes you appear more diligent and professional.
+ It’ll make you feel calmer and more organized.
+ You’ll set a good example to your kids and others around you.
+ You’ll keep the Swedes happy.
Just how distracting is a mobile phone? It’s sitting there in your pocket or lying on the table between you and your friend, beeping and buzzing away – begging you to look at it (chances are, it’s just Sarah posting a picture of her lunch). And the moment your friend heads off to the bathroom, out it comes! Sadly, this has become the norm. However, today’s social psychologists are advising people to consider leaving their mobile phone at home, or at least at the very bottom of their bag, so they can give their friends their undivided attention. I’ve noticed that in Sweden, although people do occasionally have their phones on the table, they will most likely have them on silent mode and face down as a mark of respect. We can all think more about being in the moment, though, and rather than whipping out our phones as soon as a friend goes up to refill their coffee, sit, relax and reflect on what’s been said – or simply take in the atmosphere.
‘Friendship isn’t a big thing. It’s a million little things.’
Anonymous
Fika (fee-ka) (n): taking time for a coffee, treats and conversation with friends.
Fika is a sacred Swedish social ritual meaning ‘taking a break for coffee and enjoying a small treat’. But it also means so much more than that. It’s a moment to relax and umgås – ‘hang out together’ – and catch up with family and friends away from the stresses and strains of everyday life.
The beauty of fika is how uncomplicated it is. You can do it literally anywhere – at your kitchen table, at a local café, on the beach or even by the side of the road. And you can do it almost anytime – morning, noon, late afternoon or early evening (although strong coffee late at night is best avoided, even by Swedish standards!). All you need is a cup of coffee (or another hot drink) and, if you like, a small treat of some kind (one of the favourites being a cinnamon bun). The key is to stop whatever you’re doing and take some time out to enjoy the simple, good things in life.
Fika lingo!
+ Fikasugen – a strong desire or craving for a fika
+ Fikarum – a designated room, where staff convene for coffee
+ Fikapaus – to stop what you’re doing and enjoy a fika
I’ll never forget seeing two teenage girls in Denmark sitting on the beach, sharing a blanket and enjoying a coffee from a Thermos at sunset. The golden sunlight lit up their animated faces. The moment didn’t cost a penny, but the enjoyment was palpable.
Coffee
Procaffeinating (n.): the tendency not to start anything until you’ve had a cup of coffee.
The first time I drank coffee in Sweden, I thought I’d been poisoned. I broke into a sweat, my palms felt itchy and my pulse was racing. It’s real spoon-standing-up-in-the-cup stuff! In a country that ranks in the top three of global coffee consumers, Swedes slurp an average of three to five cups of coffee per day, sending their tolerance levels skywards – aided by the fact that in many cafés you also get the chance to påtar (refill free of charge).
Despite the negative publicity, you might be surprised to hear that drinking several cups of coffee a day can have positive side effects. Not only do coffee beans contain antioxidants and other nutrients but some studies have shown that multiple cups can also be good for your heart,1 can help reduce the risk of multiple sclerosis by up to 30 per cent2 and may even help protect against the recurrence of breast cancer.3 Latte, anyone?
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Having enjoyed many fikas, I can safely say that Swedes have a very sweet tooth. Dammsugare (a punsch-liqueur flavoured delicacy, covered in green marzipan and dipped in chocolate at each end), chokladbollar (chocolate balls rolled in coconut) and kanelbullar (cinnamon buns) are just a few fika staples. They’re of bite-sized proportions – just enough to satisfy that craving, but not so big that you fall into a sugar-induced coma. In other words, they’re just right for a fika!
+ Chokladbollar
+ Kanelbullar
+ Dammsugare
+ Hallongrottan
+ Pepparkakor
+ Semla
GREAT-GRANDMOTHER OLGA JEPSSON’S
CINNAMON BUNS
No fika is complete without the deliciously sweet Swedish kanelbullar, or cinnamon bun. It’s so sacred it even has its own day (October 4). There are many variations, with each family having its own recipe going back generations. My husband’s family is no different.
Makes approx. 10–12 buns
For the bun mixture
+ 450g (2 cups) good-quality plain flour, plus extra for dusting
+ 50g (¼ cup) caster or fine sugar
+ 25g (⅛ cup) dried yeast
+ ¼ tsp salt
+ 75g (⅓ cup) butter, cubed
+ 250ml (1 cup) warm milk
For the filling
+ 75g (⅓ cup) melted butter
+ 60g (⅓ cup) muscovado sugar or soft light brown sugar
+ 2–3 tbsp ground cinnamon (to taste)
To finish
+ 1 beaten egg, or milk, to glaze
+ pearl sugar, for sprinkling
1. Preheat the oven to 200°C/400°F/gas mark 6.
2. First, make the bun mixture. Combine the dry ingredients in a bowl and then mix in the butter, either using the dough hook attachment of your mixer or by rubbing it in with your fingertips, until it resembles damp sand.
3. Slowly add the warm milk while continuing to mix until it forms a dough. If the mixture appears sticky, add a small handful of flour.
4. Cover the bowl with a clean, dry tea towel and leave the dough to rise for an hour.
5. Transfer the dough to a floured surface and knead well for 5 minutes or until the dough is smooth and shiny. Roll out the dough to form an oblong shape approximately 1cm (just under ½ inch) thick.
6. For the filling, brush the surface with the melted butter, then sprinkle with the sugar and cinnamon.
7. Roll up the dough on the long side and cut into slices 3cm (about 1 inch) thick. Place the rolls cut-side up on a baking tray, spaced well apart. Cover with a tea towel and leave to rise for 45 minutes.
8. Brush with the beaten egg (or milk) and sprinkle with the pearl sugar, then bake in the preheated oven for 15 minutes or until the buns are golden brown, can be easily removed from the baking tray and sound hollow when tapped on the underside.
9. Remove from the oven and place on a cooling rack. Once cooled, eat immediately or store in an airtight container for 2–3 days. They are also suitable for home freezing (perfect for unexpected guests!).
HOW TO ENTERTAIN THE LAGOM WAY
Due to high taxes, eating and drinking out in Sweden has traditionally been costly. Although it’s more affordable these days, Swedes will often suggest meeting at home rather than in town. Home entertainment is usually a fairly informal affair – the key is keeping it simple. I’ve been to some lovely dinner parties where the host has served a wonderful meal, but it’s also not uncommon to suggest a get-together where everyone chips in with whatever they have in the fridge (even bringing their own cutlery, plates and tables if the numbers require it!). The result is a relaxed, fuss-free event where everyone has a lagom amount to do.
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Four easy ways to spend time with friends
The next time you put off a get-together with friends because of time, energy or budget, how about suggesting one of the following ideas:
Picnics In warmer months, picnics are the ideal easy meal. They require little in the way of planning (everyone can grab whatever they have in the fridge) and preparation (no homes to tidy or big supermarket trips), they can be enjoyed anywhere (although I do love to sit by the water) and can be great fun, too. Just keep your fingers crossed that the weather holds up!
Barbecue Brush off the grill for a relaxed get-together in your back garden, out in the woods or on the beach. It’s not about wowing people with butterflied king prawns or popping champagne corks (beer or a humble boxed wine is the preferred choice at Swedish barbecues). Rather, it’s about keeping it hassle-free, with everyone bringing something to throw on the grill.
Waffle afternoon Forget high tea. In Sweden, if it’s not a fika, it’s all about the waffles. The beauty of them is that they’re simple to make (pour homemade batter over a waffle iron), easy to serve (I like mine with strawberry jam and whipped cream) and popular among all ages, too!
Build a bonfire In spring, Swedes who live in apartments with communal gardens set aside a städdag, or a date to prepare the garden together for the outdoor season. Whether you have your own garden or shared outdoor space, why not gather friends and have fun raking up dead leaves, pruning the hedges and clearing away moss before throwing it on a bonfire? Long sticks are a perfect tool for heating sausages over an open flame – and don’t forget the marshmallows!
Wander around a Swedish city centre at night and you’ll see people doggedly sitting outside restaurants and bars long after the sun’s warmth has dwindled. Why? Fleece blankets are draped over the backs of chairs, ready to be used at the slightest sign of a chill. If you’re having an outdoor gathering, prepare a basket of rolled-up blankets (they don’t need to match) for when the temperature starts to drop. They’re perfect for snuggling under, and it means the party can continue long after sunset!
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