CHAPTER TWO

The class’s teacher was Miss Vole.

Elliot liked to memorize books about animals—it was one of his hobbies—so he knew that voles are kind of like mice, but even smaller, with tiny eyes and plump little bodies. As Miss Vole stood up from her seat at the front of the bus, Elliot leaned over to Uchenna and whispered, “Isn’t it weird that she looks just like her name?”

Miss Vole cleared her voice. “Now, children,” she said. She spoke like they were in kindergarten. She made her eyes very large, and if her voice got any higher, only dogs would be able to hear her. “Children, I expect you to be on your very best behavior.” Very best was just about in dogs-only territory. “We have a special guest with us today for our field trip.”

Uchenna smiled. “I think about that all the time.”

Uchenna put her fingers in her ears so her eardrums wouldn’t explode. Elliot snickered and did the same.

Miss Vole went on, “His name is Professor Fauna.” It sounded like Fow-na. “Can you say Professor Fauna?”

“Why wouldn’t we be able to say that?” Elliot whispered. Uchenna laughed and then shoved her fist into her mouth to stifle the sound.

“Professor Fauna,” the children chanted.

And then, the professor stepped onto the bus, and it was as if a shadow had fallen over the whole class. Uchenna stopped laughing at once. Elliot gripped the green vinyl of the seat.

The professor was tall, with a thick beard that was half black, half gray. His hair stood up from his scalp like he was in the habit of kissing electric eels. He wore a threadbare tweed suit and leather shoes that looked like they had been really fancy once, long ago.

“Buenos días, mis amigos,” he said. His voice sounded like someone had put rocks in a blender.

Uchenna leaned over to Elliot. She wasn’t smiling anymore. “He’s a social studies teacher here. Everyone’s terrified of him. They say he’s totally unhinged from reality.”

“Is he dangerous?” Elliot asked. He didn’t like things that were dangerous unless they were animals, and he only liked dangerous animals if he was memorizing facts about them from a book.

Uchenna shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Good morning,” said Professor Fauna, and he rolled his Rs so much, morning had four syllables. “I am Mito Fauna. You may call me Professor Fauna, Doctor Fauna, or Doctor Doctor Fauna, since I am both a Doctor of Veterinary Medicine, with a specialty in large and rare species, and a Doctor of Philosophy, with a specialty in global mythology. In Germany, they call me Herr Doktor Doktor Professor, but you do not need to do that, because it takes too long, and it sounds silly. Also, I am not German, but Peruvian. Do you understand?”

Every child said “No,” at exactly the same time.

“Excellent,” the professor replied, evidently not hearing them. “Miss Vole has asked me to be your guide today on this field trip to the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. You will listen to me.”

All the children nodded.

“You will do what I say.”

They still nodded.

“If not, you will DIE!”

The children sat straight up in their seats.

“Not that I will kill you,” Professor Fauna added. “But there are many dangerous things in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey! So be careful, and do exactly as I tell you.”

No one on the bus said a word. But silently, every child decided that, yes, they better do whatever this terrifying teacher said.