Chapter Eight

Four weeks later, I still give God thanks that I’m not behind bars. Lee-Roy and his crew haven’t been sentenced yet but they’re on remand. Luckily I found a piece of paper with Lee-Roy’s friend’s contact details. I contacted him, and Lee-Roy and I were able to communicate with each other

Tyshyra, Mandy and I are at lunch. I am so happy I’m talking to them again. I can still feel a bit of tension but I’m over the moon that I have my besties back. I told them about the drug house and they were both surprised and in shock as they know that’s not my kind of place. Tyshyra ate her chocolate mousse and listens intently.

She then said she wishes that she was there and it sounds adventurous. Coming from Tyshyra, that’s no surprise to me. However, I must admit it still is a bit surprising. I made it sound even more horrid than it was, and it still sounds appealing to her. One man’s fear is another man’s adventure, I guess. She is crazy though. I bet if I said a car ran me over she would still probably say, “How fun! That should have been me.” She loves taking risks and living life on the edge, even if it means it might kill her. When I told her about Lee-Roy and him being a drug dealer she asked me if he has a friend that she could have. That’s just confirmation that she is off the rails. I made it quite clear that they are all in prison. Rather than she getting put off, she was enticed by it. I wonder about her sometimes. Tyshyra, Tyshyra. You got to love her.

I am eating shepherd’s pie and chips and it is absolutely delicious. It’s the nicest pie I had for quite a long time. My mum used to make really nice pies until she decided to drink and take drugs. She is much better now though. They threatened to put me and my sister in care if she didn’t get cleaned, so she did. But I still worry about her.

I ate the shepherd’s pie so fast that I feel like I want to throw up. I’ve been throwing up for the last week now. I guess I’ve been eating really fast for the last week. Tyshyra and Mandy keeping making a joke out of it and saying I might be pregnant. I shouldn’t have told them about Lee-Roy. What they found funny, I found frightening.

I’m trying to take deep breaths so that I don’t throw up, but that didn’t seem to work very well. I took a deep breath in, and by the time I am ready to breathe out, I vomited simultaneously. Thank heavens it wasn’t on someone’s shoes; this time it was on the floor.

Tyshyra looks at me in disgust and Mandy looks as if she’s never seen someone vomiting before. I feel absolutely horrid. This is a feeling that I have never felt before. My nerves started to get the better of me now. Surely I can’t be pregnant – I only had sex with Lee-Roy once. I know it might have been unprotected sex but there’s no way in hell I can be. The more I try to convince myself I’m not, the more I believe that I am. I have had sex with David without a condom so many times and I didn’t get pregnant. I know it’s a silly thing to do but I get caught up in the moment. I didn’t really enjoy sex with David. I just did it because I like him and he enjoys it. I only wanted to please him. I didn’t really enjoy sex with Lee-Roy either. I only did it because… I don’t even know why I did it. I felt vulnerable at the time and I just thought it might make me feel better. Come to think of it, I have never actually enjoyed sex at all. I do it because you’re supposed to do it, I guess, or to please the person. I definitely don’t do it for my enjoyment.

My mum on the other hand, she enjoys sex so much that she sells it. I know I didn’t exactly mention it but she’s a prostitute. Nobody knows apart from me, and her clients obviously. I’m not sure if Tyshyra and Mandy know or suspect because they sometimes ask me indirect questions about it. Sometimes I act like I don’t hear them but when they’re persistent I go off the rails and ask them if they’re crazy. From then I haven’t heard anything about that subject since.

It hurts and embarrasses me deeply to know that my mum is a prostitute. I so don’t want to follow in her footsteps. I sure hope my little sister doesn’t either. It would be slightly more difficult for her because she is mute. It’s mainly my mother’s fault: she kept abusing her body whilst pregnant with her, which caused complications to her pregnancy. My mum didn’t exactly tell me that but I was old enough to figure it out. All she used to tell me is that there has been a complication with her pregnancy.

My mum used to tell me a lot of things that aren’t true. It all made sense at a young age but once you grow up you’re able to distinguish between truth and lies. She told me that my dad left her when she was pregnant and he didn’t want to know. Maybe I would have believed her if she wasn’t a prostitute and the same thing didn’t reoccur when my sister was born. She didn’t have a stable boyfriend when she had my sister; she was doing prostitution. She said he, whoever he is, also ran off and didn’t want to know. There was no point arguing with her: it would get nowhere. I try not to argue because she’s my mother and I’m the child and you’re not really supposed to argue, but show respect. I must admit, it’s quite hard to show someone respect when they have no respect for themselves. I’ve never been disrespectful to my mum, not because I’ve been brought up properly but because I don’t feel it’s right to be disrespectful to your parents, or parent in this case. My mum hasn’t always been like this. She was educated well, brought up in a good home, but I don’t know what has happened. She is probably still hung up on the death of her mum. She always used to tell me how wonderful her mum is, and if she was here today she would say this to me or that to me. She died from cancer before I was even born. I’m honestly not sure how or why my mum is the way she is but I sure don’t like it. We haven’t got the best relationship in the world, but I love her nevertheless because she’s my mum.

Mandy suggests that I go to the clinic after all that vomiting. I laughed and said that it’s the shepherd’s pie that’s not cooked properly. We all know that is utter rubbish because you couldn’t not cook shepherd’s pie if you tried, and plus, I was saying “This is delicious” at every spoonful I took. Next time I’m going to be discreet about the food taste. Then that way I could always lie if I wanted to. I’m not very good at telling lies, mind you. I always get caught out if you know me. I start to stutter and my right leg starts to shake. I told her I am fine and I don’t need to go to the clinic. She then said “Better safe than sorry”, and if I feel that I’m not pregnant then I should have nothing to worry about.

Everything she is saying makes sense but sometimes I prefer to hear nonsense than sense. After I have been convinced by Mother Teresa, I decided to go to the clinic. Well not exactly – I was more forced to go than anything else.

I’m sitting in science class, not wanting school to finish. For once in my life I wish this day would drag on for ever. Tyshyra and Mandy are going to follow me to the clinic after school. I would prefer to go by myself but they think they are being good friends so I smiled and pretend that’s what I wanted. I want to go by myself merely because I prefer to be alone when I receive bad news.

There goes the bell, and there goes my nerves. It’s like I’ve been hypnotized. As soon as the bell rang my nerves got the better of me instantly. Tyshyra and Mandy both came rushing over to me as if we are going on some kind of fun trip. I mean, we’re only going to the clinic. This trip might be fun for them but it’s certainly no fun for me. We all left class. I am walking way slower than my normal pace. I’m pretty sure they know something is up because they know I’m not being myself. Mandy then asked me what’s wrong. I told her I’m tired. That’s the best and easiest lie I could think of before my stuttering and my leg shakes kick in.

She either seems to believe me or she couldn’t be bothered to get to the bottom of why I’m not being myself.