Chapter Ten
One week later, everyone’s still in the dark about my pregnancy. When I’m being sick I try to make it as discreet as possible. I probably didn’t have to. My mum wouldn’t notice anything even if it hits her on the head. The mail drops through the letterbox and I see a letter with my name on it. I can tell that it’s from Lee-Roy because I hardly ever get letters. And plus I see the scruffy handwriting, and the misspell of my name says it all. He spelt my name Samy Milar, despite the fact that I spelt my first name in my letter.
I am excited to open it. I act as if I wasn’t though. I picked up the letter and bring it in my room to rip it open. I sit on my bed and read with keen interest.
The letter read:
My mouth is wide open and the waterworks started their magic. That was so not the response I was looking for. How and why are men so cold? “Ahhhhhhh,” I screamed. I can’t take none of this shit any more; I’m fed up of everyone and everything. I clinched my teeth, clench my fist and I feel to punch someone’s lights out. I am beyond angry, frustrated and depressed. It feels like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. This is the last thing I need. Why me? I thought Lee-Roy was different. He said he’s different so I believed him. That’s my problem: I’m so dumb and naïve. I always believe what men say. I ripped up the letter into pieces and throw it in the room. My tolerance level is extremely low and I feel like I want to explode. Right now I don’t care about anyone or anything. This is the perfect time for me to tell my mum that I’m pregnant. I might as well. I have nothing to lose anyway so I don’t care how she wants to react.
I went up to her room door. I know she’s vacant because I didn’t hear any sexual noises coming from her room. I put my fist out to know the door and then I draw it back. My adrenaline started to go down and all of a sudden I don’t feel as brave any more. I turn back around and went back in my room and straight back into bed. I hug Smuggles and cried for about half an hour. I think it made me feel better. I can’t cry any more. How much can one take? How much can one cry? I’ve cried so much that I start to laugh. I had no more tears in me. The only thing that is left is laughter.
I manage to pluck up the energy and the courage to go back to my mum’s room. Maybe she will be fine about it. She had me when she was sixteen. I’m pretty sure she will understand. She would be a downright hypocrite if she got angry and didn’t see where I’m coming from. I’m trying to find excuses already. I don’t think it made me feel any better. It actually made me feel worse. Note to self: Don’t try and convince yourself so that you feel better; it’s not going to work. I knocked on Julie’s door this time and I wish I didn’t. I regret every single moment of it. My mum opens the door and my nerves get the better of me as per usual. In there it reminds me of when I was in the drug house. She wasn’t smoking weed but the amount of cigarette smoke that was lingering in the air, you would have thought in there is a chimney. She opens the door as if she didn’t want to. The room is messy and has a funny smell to it. There are beer cans on the floor and she looks like she’s away with the fairies. When she’s like this I’m not sure of the type of response to expect from her. Whether or not I should be scared or happy, I don’t know.
I wanted to hurry up and tell her. The longer I leave it for, the harder it gets.
I stand up in front of her whilst she sits on the bed. I didn’t know how to start the conversation. I lied and said I like her top. That line is so cheesy and if she was in her right frame of mind she would have been able to tell that something is wrong.
I take a deep breath. It took me a while before I could come out with it. I went round every corner, crevice, bush, road – everywhere you can think of, I went round. Eventually I came out with it and said, “Mum, I’m pregnant.”
That’s a relief to get it off my chest. It feels like a load has been lifted off my shoulders.
Julie is sitting there shaking her right leg, with the cigarette in her mouth. The silence is making me feel fearful. I hate it when she’s silent: it leaves me in the dark.
I wanted to say something again but I think I’ve said enough. I just wish that she would say something. At least then I will know where I stand. Julie has been sitting in silence for about five minutes now. All of this is bringing back memories. It’s making me remember the time of when I was in the drug house. I didn’t know where to look and what to do with myself then, and I don’t know where to look and what to do with myself now.
She finally spoke, in a calm manner. She asked me what I was going to do. Now I wish that she stayed silent. I didn’t know how to answer that question, because the truth is, I don’t know what I want to do. Her guess is as good as mine.
The table has now turned. I’m the one that’s gone silent. I know that I need to hurry up and answer before she goes into one. I told her that I don’t know. That answer was nowhere near good enough but it has to do for now, I suppose.
My mum is so predictable. She lights up another cigarette because she finished her last one. She replied that my answer isn’t good enough. I open my mouth to reply, and out of nowhere she jumps up off the bed and punched me straight in the mouth, I fell to the floor immediately. I feel a bit dizzy because I hit my head on the floor. She hovers over me and positions her right foot to kick me. She stops and turns away.
The silence was good when it lasted. She then went off her rockets. She has the audacity to tell me that I’m a worthless lowlife and I’m not going to amount to anything. In addition to that she calls me a slut. My mum, who is a prostitute, called me a slut. Julie then started on Tyshyra and Mandy, telling me that we are the three sluts and we are worthless.
According to my unfit mother, I will never be a fit mother and I’m a tramp, I’m a ugly tramp. I know she was saying all these hurtful things because she’s hurt and disappointed, but she’s not in no position to talk. She hasn’t exactly been setting a good example. You know what they say: The apple don’t fall far from the tree. In my case, however, this apple fell underneath a different tree: I’m nothing like my mum. We are so different that I think our genes might even be different.
She crossed the line when she said I was a mistake and she wished she didn’t have me. How ironic! I wish she wasn’t my mum. I don’t know if I should find the strength to get up off the floor and put her in her place, or just lay there and take her crap. I tried to find the strength to get up and give her a mouthful, but my strength failed me like everything else in my life. My sister runs to the room door because of all the noise. I hate it when my sister gets exposed to all the fighting. I think she’s been exposed to enough as it is.
After an hour of Mum telling me that I’m a good-for-nothing whore, she catches her breath and tells me to leave her house. I am happy to leave with pleasure. I know I could go stay with Tyshyra or Mandy so I didn’t feel that bad. I don’t particularly want to but beggars can’t be choosers.
I gather the strength and the courage to get off the floor. I can taste the blood from my lip and it tastes horrible. That’s the least of my problems though. I limped to my room and started to pack my stuff. Whilst I’m packing Mum goes on the phone to discuss my business to the world. My mum is hilarious, she is: she has the nerve to discuss my business when her business is rotten.
The only reason I don’t want to leave is because I’m going to miss my little sister, but at this moment in time I have no choice.
I leave the house without saying bye, not even to my sister. That would have made me break down even more. To make matters worse, it’s pouring down with rain and my hair is starting to frizz. I’ve got my hoodie over my head but the hoodie does no justice: I’ve outgrown this hoodie three years ago. I’ve been meaning to buy another one but I’m always low on cash. I was working in McDonald’s but I got fired for not being competent at my job. I’ve managed to save my money to carry me through to now but now I’m on my last and soon will be broke.