March 12, Nineteen Days to Deadline
Georgia pulled into the parking lot and stared at the dirty white building ahead of her. She’d run over the curb by a few inches and tried to ignore the sound of her bumper collecting yet another scrape.
“Good one, bud.” Jill laughed lightly at Georgia’s blunder. Georgia looked over at Jill in the passenger’s seat, her hand resting across her bare waist at the thin strip of skin where her crop top ended. The three golden rings Jill was wearing pressed cold marks against her stomach in the heat of the car. Georgia shifted into park and let out a deep sigh.
“I’m a good driver, I swear,” she moaned.
“You know that’s what all bad drivers say, right?”
“Yeah, but I’m different,” Georgia said with a smirk. “I’ve only been in three accidents and two of them weren’t my fault.”
“Ohhh. Right,” taunted Jill, finally looking around at the rusted white building. “What is this?”
“Something fun.” Georgia unlocked the doors and looked out at the quiet, empty parking lot.
“You’re so lucky you’re cute.”
“You’re so lucky I’m cute.”
“I am.”
They kissed quickly and the radio kept playing some sad song by The Smiths. Georgia pulled back after a moment of breathing in Jill’s skin and looked her in the eye.
What a perfect person, she thought, tracing the lines of Jill’s strawberry-round nose, her birthmarks irregular kisses all over her skin, black hair like a secret down her back. Georgia was excited to share something she thought was beautiful with a person she thought was beautiful.
Georgia brushed her cheek against Jill’s neck then slowly brought her lips up to her dangling gold earrings and whispered, “Get out of my car.”
Jill let out a little giggle as Georgia pulled away and picked up her bag from the floor of the passenger seat.
Two squirrels lay out flat on the curb, exhausted from the sun. Georgia tugged at the bottom of her jean shorts where the fabric had become plastered to the sweat of her thighs against the blistering cracked leather car seats.
“Come here.” She reached her right hand out to grab Jill and swung her around in a circle in the parking lot.
“Hey!” Jill tilted her head back and laughed into the hot air. “What are you doing?”
Georgia kept spinning her around and around as the glazed day burned their bare legs and the backs of their necks. She finally stopped and let Jill’s hand go so that she stumbled and had to lean over for balance.
“Good. Now we’re ready to see the art.”
“Art?” Jill looked around at the parking lot full of nothing. The plain white building didn’t even have a door.
“This way.” They held hands again and Georgia led her out of the parking lot to the building next door, which was stout and gray and had dark windows that didn’t allow passersby to see inside. Jill looked up at the gray façade as Georgia walked towards the door. The neon-green lights lining the edge of the garage made it look like an abandoned roller-skating rink from the eighties.
“What does this have to do with making me dizzy?”
“Nothing, I just thought that would be fun.”
“Georgia.”
“Jill.” Georgia smiled and opened the door.
Inside, a stuffy guard sat at a desk that was too low to the ground. Though the room was dark, they could see his mustache and brown skin glowing blue and orange from a light that came from the opening just ahead.
He barely looked up from a crossword he was working on to speak.
“No pictures, please. Enjoy yourselves.”
“Thanks!” offered Georgia cheerily as she pulled Jill ahead. They passed under a gray archway and into a dark room. Georgia’s eyes adjusted to the dark to reveal a large concrete room, empty except for what seemed like fifty or sixty colorful fluorescent lights lining the right and left walls. They were in rainbow order and shone like tubes of lightning against the shadows of the dark room.
“Whoa.” Jill let her eyes run along the walls of color as she tried to understand what she was looking at.
“Fun, right?”
Jill didn’t answer. She ran alongside the wall so that each light glittered against her skin as she passed. They flickered over her body and lit her up one colorful beam after the other. Georgia laughed and watched her glow like the moon.
She ran after Jill and felt her feelings growing bigger, something she thought was impossible. How can you like someone more when the cup is already full?
Georgia caught up as Jill slowed down in the middle of the room.
“What do you think?”
“What is this?” she asked breathlessly, the darkness painting her a deep shade of blue.
“An art installation. The artist’s name is Dan Flavin, I think.”
“It’s incredible.” Jill’s voice echoed and she giggled at the sudden rupture of noise.
“Yeah. He designed it right before he died. It’s part of the Menil.”
“That little museum by the park?” She twirled again and the colors bounced off of her in shifting shades.
“Uh huh.”
“Wow.” Georgia watched as Jill tilted her head up slowly to the shaded sky light above them. Despite the sun being out, the room maintained a dimness that allowed the art to glow. Georgia couldn’t help but lose track of the light, the room, instead keeping her eyes on Jill.
“It feels like you should dance, right? Don’t the lights just make you want to dance?” Jill shimmied and did two poorly turned pirouettes on her right foot, lightly bumping into the wall.
“Not really.” Georgia let out a laugh as Jill peeled herself from the wall. “I think most people just look.”
“I mean, we could do that too.” Georgia’s hand latched onto Jill’s as she giggled and settled down. They walked from one end of the space to the other and took in the changing colors and monumental quiet.
“I was so nervous you were taking me to a skating rink.” Jill whispered.
“Why are you whispering?” whispered Georgia.
“It feels right.” Jill shrugged, her eyes big at the room before them.
“Okay,” Georgia replied, keeping her voice low. “Why were you scared?”
“I don’t know how to skate.” Jill smiled and lightly tapped her thumb twice on Georgia’s tightly grasping hand.
Georgia snorted out a laugh and heard the echo boom back at her.
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. I never learned.” She tilted her head down so that the rainbow swished through her hair in colorful spirals.
“Good to know. I promise I will never take you skating. Unless you want to learn, of course.”
“Thank god. No, I do not want to bust my face open in front of the cutest person I know, thank you very much.” Jill smiled and Georgia felt warm all across her chest.
They made it to the edge of the room when Jill noticed a corner with white lights emitting a soft glow from the other side.
“There’s more?” She looked at Georgia and tugged on her hand.
“I don’t remember. I’ve only been here once with Dawn. She knows way more about cool art stuff around the city.
Jill dragged Georgia around the corner and discovered a much smaller room with white tubes of light arranged in small shapes like triangles and slants along the wall.
“This is so nice.”
Jill rocked back and forth on her toes and Georgia noticed the hair on her legs and the scuff marks on her white sneakers and the way she said “nice” like it was a name. She leaned in to kiss her on the cheek and felt Jill’s skin ice cold beneath her lips.
They stared into the bright lights and tried to make sense of their abstract shapes.
“It’s like a skyline.” Jill turned to Georgia after looking at the installation in front of them.
“Or a pyramid.”
“Two girl giants kissing,” she gasped.
“It’s their first date.” Georgia wrapped her arms around Jill and rocked them back and forth together in the neon darkness.
“Absolutely.” They laughed and walked back to the main room where the rainbow of lights went on and on before them. They walked to the middle of the room and laid down beneath the skylight.
Georgia closed her eyes and tried to remember the details of the moment. She put her hand over Jill’s and told herself to remember how soft the skin of the back of her hand was. How warm she was. How loud her breathing was as it slowed and slowed. She wanted to remember that she could be happy like this. She was capable of liking someone this hard.
She opened her eyes to look over at Jill and saw that her head was turned towards her. Her hair spilled over onto the concrete as she rested her palm behind her head.
“What?” Georgia traced the corners of Jill’s face with her eyes. She looked at the world in Jill and the world looked back.
“I just like spending time with you.”
“Oh,” Georgia squeaked out, just barely feeling Jill’s breath against her cheeks. “Me too.”
“Hey.” Jill propped herself up on her elbow and leaned over so that her hair draped into Georgia’s face and tickled her skin. “You want to go somewhere where we can scream?”
Georgia didn’t even know what that meant but nodded vigorously towards Jill, who was already smiling so that her teeth showed at the edges. She felt out of breath as Jill tilted her head down so that her hair became a comfortable forest canopy over her head, wild and dark.
Georgia swung open the door to let her walk ahead. The moon was shimmering now, shy behind a few dark clouds.
Georgia began to walk towards the parking lot where her car sat but Jill turned in the opposite direction. Georgia hesitated to follow but saw that look in Jill’s eye that meant she was confident and sure and definitely knew what she was doing. Georgia loved that look.
“Come on. Trust me.” Jill grabbed her hand and led her across the street and past a couple of apartment complexes where twenty-somethings walked around with their overly eager dogs. They passed a coffee shop and laundromat that looked more like a night club than a place to wash clothes. Georgia began to hear traffic but couldn’t place the noise.
The sound of hundreds of cars passing by echoed in her ears but she didn’t see a highway. Jill tugged at her hand as Georgia stopped to orient herself on the sidewalk.
“Almost there. I promise.”
They walked past another apartment complex and suddenly emerged on a towering white bridge over Highway 59.
The wind whipped Georgia’s hair over her eyes and she turned to Jill with a smile. The city looked magical and dirty and massive below them, cars rushing past in both directions. Georgia always thought of Texas highways as sort of ridiculous with their six lanes going both ways, cars speeding around you if you go any less than twenty miles over the speed limit. From this angle, though, it all made sense. Dirt-splattered eighteen wheelers and trucks from the same four car dealers appeared then quickly disappeared below them just as fast.
Georgia waved down at a car and jumped when it honked back at her.
“You’re a natural.” Jill laughed at Georgia’s surprise.
“People honk at you?”
“Yeah. Watch.” Jill waved her arms wildly above her head and danced a little at the sound of the city. Three different cars honked at her in what seemed like seconds.
Georgia felt like she was in a movie. It was too perfect, Jill’s face glowing as the sun went down on her skin and the city turned into headlights and office building windows.
“Hey. You said there would be screaming,” Georgia smirked
“Well, what do you want to scream?” Jill’s nose just barely twitched as she spoke, something Georgia hadn’t noticed until this very moment.
“I don’t know.”
“How about a secret? If you scream it, the wind will take it and the cars will drive away with your secret. It’s like you won’t have to hold it inside anymore because it’s part of the world afterwards.”
“Oh. Let me think.” Georgia went quiet for a long time. Nothing would come up and she felt embarrassed as she watched Jill watch her think.
Jill rested a hand on her shoulder. “I’ll go first.”
Georgia blinked as Jill turned to the edge of the bridge again and ceremoniously placed her hands on her hips.
“I got a 71 on my AP Chemistry test this week and I don’t care!” Jill’s words got cut short by the wind and the sound of cars scraping by below. Her scream disappeared into the sun as did her secret. It was perfect.
Jill beamed as she turned back to Georgia.
“See? Easy.”
“What am I supposed to say?”
“Anything. There are no rules. ”
Georgia abruptly turned to the road and cupped her hands around her mouth like a bullhorn.
“I’m scared I’m not going to get into any colleges and my friends will disappear into the ether!”
“I’m not good at cooking and it’s literally just measuring things!”
“Sometimes I write angry poems about people and almost email them but then I don’t!”
“I hate my hair!”
“I hate my smile!”
“I hate Instagram but I can’t delete it because what if I miss something!”
“I hate that I’m expected to be something so quickly! I’m a child!”
Georgia and Jill collapsed into laughter at their words. They sat down on the ledge beside the fence overlooking the passing cars. Georgia turned towards Jill and realized, finally, how grounding she was. She was someone she could trust with her failure. She didn’t have to give anything to her. She didn’t have to say the right thing to her. She just had to be.
Wind continuously brushed their hair into their faces and they watched silently as car after car after flatbed truck flowed beneath the overpass.
“I’m really scared about school,” Georgia finally breathed out, her hand sliding into Jill’s.
“You’re going to do just fine, babe. You have the skill, you have the creativity, and you’re also very cute.” Jill raised their intertwined hands to rest beneath her chin and gave Georgia’s knuckles a chilly kiss.
“What about if I get in?”
“Then that would be incredible. That’s what you want, right?”
“Yes. I mean, no.” A semi-truck honked its horn long and low as Georgia tried to gather her feelings. “Well, what about us, is what I meant. You’re going to have another year of school.”
“Nothing will happen to us. We’re going to keep being together. I’m going to come see you.”
There was that confidence again, that certainty Jill had that Georgia loved. She wasn’t scared of anything. Not thousands of miles, not love over the phone, not endings.
“You will?” Georgia asked.
“Of course, sweetie. I love you.”
“I love you too.” Georgia squeezed Jill’s hands and Jill squeezed back. They looked at each other as the early evening dusk closed around them. Jill pulled Georgia into her until they were one wind-chilled body.
The evening was officially over as dim turned to darkness all around them on top of the bridge. The cars kept coming, kept honking, even as they turned their backs to the freeway and left the traffic behind.
They started to walk back to Georgia’s car, linking pinkies, and were quiet besides each other. Georgia felt a warmth in her stomach that was both overwhelming and comforting at the same time. Their secrets were sacred and required silence and space. Georgia thought of all the things she screamed into the air and what Jill let out too. It might have been the sweetest thing that had happened to her all year. Jill’s presence beside her was soft like the underside of a petal.
Jill was easy to speak to, easy to like. Jill cared for her like her best friends did but then there was the mixing of their breaths when they pressed their foreheads together, the intoxicating wetness of Jill’s lips slightly parted on her waiting collarbone. Georgia wondered if everyone had little loves like this, had dates where they forgot about their problems or who they were supposed to be for moments at a time, so wrapped up in how lovely everything was. She was sure they hadn’t invented queer love, but part of her questioned it. Had everyone been feeling this limitless and never told her? She read books, plays, short stories about infatuation, of course, even written them, but this was different because it was her own.
Jill slid into the passenger seat and reached her hand out to rest on Georgia’s as she shifted the car into reverse then pulled out of the lot.
The night died behind them as Georgia drove into the traffic with love at her side.