CHAPTER 26

William

William didn’t trust people. Or the government. Or anybody. He had conspiracy theories about pretty much everything. And any little thing could set him off: sunscreen, stray dogs, helicopters, even dust. Today, the thing that bothered him most? Washing his hands.

“I read online that too much hand washing can make you sick,” William explained to 13. “Something about soap killing all the good germs that help the body fight off all the bad germs.”

“I’ve only been a sorta-human for a very little while,” 13 said, “but I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

“What do you know?!” William shouted.

Some would say William was paranoid suspicious, but I believe some healthy distrust is good. The key word being “some.” After all, the Internet is filled with “fake news.” So make sure to consider where you get your information from. Definitely don’t get your facts from the same website William did:

“The Best Fake News on the Internet!”

But William will be William. Which is why he stopped washing his hands entirely. When he became king, he declared: “I ban all mandatory hand washing.”

People weren’t sure how to feel about that.

The next day, William’s grandparents took him to their favorite Mexican restaurant. “I’m going to the bathroom,” William said.

“Don’t forget to wash your hands,” his grandmother said.

“Never!” he shouted.

I wish I could tell you William washed his hands after touching the icky, stinky toilet handle. But he did not.

William went back to the table and started eating salty chips and salsa. He licked his fingers a lot. Then he ate enchiladas—made by restaurant cooks who didn’t wash their hands at all that day.

That night, it wasn’t William’s paranoia distrust that kept him up through the night—it was his stomach. He was up and out of bed every five minutes to use the bathroom. (Stuff was coming out both ends, if you know what I mean.) Poor William thought he was dying. He certainly felt like it. It was the worst case of parasites and food poisoning the royal doctors had ever seen.

The doctors shook their heads and said, “You gonna undo that law now?”

William nodded yes. He also made a promise to himself to always wash his hands.