Are you a foodie? Take this simple questionnaire to find your gastronomical quotient (GQ), which measures your culinary knowledge, gastronomical prowess, and gustatory morality.
Choose one answer for each question and tabulate your final score according to the answer key. With any luck, you’ll discover your GQ is downright “Kellerian.” My condolences if you discover you are “Velveetan.”
Multiple Choice
1) You are home alone on a Saturday night and hungry. You whip up:
a. Box of macaroni and cheese
b. Heat-and-serve chicken nuggets
c. Pan-roasted duck breasts, fingerling potatoes, and baby root vegetables
d. Instant ramen
e. Bowl of cereal
2) You are on a desert island with a subscription to one major food magazine. Which is it?
a. Saveur
b. Food Network Magazine
c. Vegetarian Times
d. Every Day with Rachael Ray
e. Cooking Light
3)Every Christmas, you cross your fingers and hope you’ll receive:
a. A sous-vide machine
b. McDonald’s gift certificates
c. Omaha steaks
d. A George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine
e. A nonstick skillet
4) Your preferred coffee drink is:
a. Espresso
b. Pumpkin spice–flavored coffee
c. Frappuccino
d. Sanka
e. Decaf latte
5) You would most likely buy a cookbook from which of the following celebrity chefs?
a. Thomas Keller
b. Paula Deen
c. Emeril Lagasse
d. Tyler Florence
e. Sandra Lee
6) You are traveling by interstate highway and must stop for a quick meal. Rank the following five chains in order of preference from best option to worst option: McDonald’s, Chick-Fil-A, Roy Rogers, Chipotle, In-N-Out. Which of the following most closely matches your own rank order?
a. Roy Rogers, McDonald’s, Chick-Fil-A, In-N-Out, Chipotle
b. In-N-Out, Chick-Fil-A, Chipotle, McDonald’s, Roy Rogers
c. Chick-Fil-A, McDonald’s, Roy Rogers, In-N-Out, Chipotle
d. Chipotle, McDonald’s, Chick-Fil-A, Roy Rogers, In-N-Out
e. McDonald’s, Chipotle, Roy Rogers, Chick-Fil-A, In-N-Out
7) You or your spouse has just given birth to your first child, a boy. You name him:
a. Ferran
b. Emeril
c. Rocco
d. Guy
e. Chef Boyardee
8) Your most trusted kitchen tool is a:
a. Garlic press
b. Food processor
c. Chef’s knife
d. Slap Chop
e. Microwave oven
9) Your favorite TV chef is:
a. Rachael Ray
b. The Swedish Chef
c. Tom Colicchio
d. Paula Deen
e. Giada De Laurentiis
10) At a dinner party you are hosting, one of your guests tells you that your Italian cooking is almost as good as the Olive Garden. Which of the following would be an appropriate way of responding?
a. Cry and stab yourself with perciatelli.
b. Call her a douchebaguette.
c. Feign ignorance: “Is that a new restaurant?
I haven’t been.”
d. Defriend her on Facebook.
e. All of the above.
11) Your favorite food shop is:
a. Safeway
b. Whole Foods
c. Eataly
d. Trader Joe’s
e. Target “Greatland”
12) You tend to avoid restaurants that specialize in:
a. Seasonal menus
b. Wines served by the quartino
c. Deep-fried blooming onions
d. Yakitori
e. Heritage meats
13) Which of the following items are you unlikely to find in your refrigerator?
a. Sriracha
b. American cheese slices
c. Salt-packed anchovies
d. Fish sauce
e. Shallots
14) Your favorite “food movie” is:
a. Eat, Pray, Love
b. Tampopo
c. Mystic Pizza
d. Chocolat
e. American Pie
15) Food you claim to enjoy but secretly despise:
a. Bacon
b. Steak
c. Pork belly
d. Okra
e. Cheese
16) Food you claim to despise but secretly enjoy:
a. Pop-Tarts
b. Sweetbreads
c. Venison
d. Pasta
e. Veggie burgers
17) You are committed to organic, local, seasonal, and sustainable cuisine, except when dining in ____________ restaurants.
a. Chinese
b. Mexican
c. Vietnamese
d. Korean
e. All of the above
18) When it comes to appliances, you prefer a(n) __________ range, and a(n) ____________ oven.
a. gas; gas
b. gas; electric
c. electric; gas
d. electric; electric
19) What’s the most important quality you look for when purchasing chicken?
a. USDA ORGANIC LABEL
b. Free range
c. Vegetarian diet
d. Inner beauty
e. Big breasts
20) You are a member of:
a. Costco
b. Sam’s Club
c. Slow Food
d. PETA
e. TGI Friday’s Frequent Diner Club
21) When shopping for steak, which cut are you most likely to choose?
a. Skirt
b. Hanger
c. Rib Eye
d. Strip
e. Tenderloin
22) Celebrity chef Mario Batali has been a major influence on:
a. The adoption of offal and other less popular meat cuts by Americans
b. The spread of regional Italian cuisines
c. The acceptance of Italian food in a fine-dining context
d. The acceptability of wearing children’s footwear by adult men
e. All of the above
23) Chefs who work in the field of “molecular gastronomy” prefer to be called:
a. Molecular gastronomists
b. Food wizards
c. Doctors of yum
d. Modernists
e. Tasteologists
24) You are against __________, but for _______________.
a. factory farming; foie gras
b. mustard on hot dogs; ketchup
c. young wines; Justin Bieber
d. dark meat; white meat
e. anchovies; red snapper
25) A knife with a “full tang” has
a. Minimal taint
b. Very large private parts
c. Been endorsed by NASA
d. A blade that extends the full length of the knife, including all the way through the handle
e. All of the above
Analogies
26) Guy Fieri: Douchebaggery
a. Thomas Keller: Finesse
b. Paula Deen: Low-fat
c. Rachael Ray: Skillful
d. James Beard: Anorexia
e. Burger King: Big Mac
27) Gordon Ramsay: Relaxed
a. Bacon: Salty
b. Cupcakes: Sweet
c. Durian: Smelly
d. Dogs: Feline
e. Champagne: Bubbly
28) Celebrity chefs: Bald
a. Liquids: Solid
b. Birds: Feathered
c. Einstein: Stupid
d. Sarah Palin: Qualified
e. Butter: Low-fat
29) Truffle oil: Truffles
a. Cheese: Milk
b. Steak: Cholesterol
c. French fries: Potatoes
d. Pamela Anderson: Real breasts
e. Olive oil: Olives
30) White meat: Dark meat
a. Stout: Light beer
b. Prosciutto: SPAM
c. Wine: Wine coolers
d. Sea salt: Table salt
e. Velveeta: Mozzarella
31) Chilean sea bass: Sustainable
a. Rachael Ray: Annoying
b. Food trucks: Trendy
c. Per Se: Haute
d. Bacon: Smoked
e. Todd English: Pudgy
32) Extra-Virgin: Olive Oil
a. Awesome: Blossom
b. Prime: Steak
c. Hangover: Absinthe
d. Prudish: Safflower oil
e. McDonald’s: Burgers
33) Ferran Adrià: Molecular gastronomy
a. Thomas Keller: Fast food
b. Jacques Pépin: Mixology
c. Jon Voight: Angelina Jolie
d. Rick Bayless: California cuisine
e. Sandra Lee: Farm to table
34) Mixology: Bartending
a. Baking: Grilling
b. Barbecuing: Steaming
c. Salisbury steak: Hamburger
d. Boiling: Simmering
e. Eating: Drinking
35) Sandra Lee: Artisanal
a. Rachael Ray: Quick
b. Bobby Flay: Grilled
c. Wolfgang Puck: Austrian
d. Alice Waters: Processed
e. Ina Garten: Barefoot
Reading Comprehension
36) In a review of the Mark Restaurant by Jean-Georges, former New York Times restaurant critic Sam Sifton offered the following description of Vongerichten’s pea soup: “Also recycled, pleasantly, is the pea soup, a purée of sweet green peas that taste of springtime and have the smooth texture of high-thread-count sheets; a version of it exists on the tasting menu at Jean Georges, Mr. Vongerichten’s four-star flagship near Columbus Circle. Blend in the accompanying cloud of Parmesan foam, and it’s like a lover sliding into bed: nice.” Which of the following conclusions can be made based upon reading this passage?
a. Eating Vongerichten’s pea soup is uncannily similar to having sex with Martha Stewart at her Skylands summer home in Maine.
b. The pea soup is a very smooth blend of fresh sweet green peas topped with Parmesan.
c. God, it’s lonely being a restaurant critic. Mr. Sifton will gladly take companionship from cheese foam at this point in his career.
d. Mr. Sifton really needs a new set of sheets.
e. All of the above
37) In his 2011 book The Table Comes First: Family, France, and the Meaning of Food, New Yorker staff writer Adam Gopnik writes: “A kind of primal scene of eating hovers over every cookbook, just as a primal scene of sex lurks behind every love story. In cooking, the primal scene, or substance, is salt, sugar, and fat held in maximum solution with starch; add protein as necessary and finish with caffeine (coffee or chocolate) as desired.” Which of the following conclusions can be made based upon reading this statement?
a. Mr. Gopnik reads his cookbooks in the nude.
b. Mr. Gopnik once had a three-way with Mastering the Art of French Cooking and The Joy of Cooking.
c. Mr. Gopnik’s orgasms contain high doses of caffeine.
d. All of the above
38) In the following passage from her book A Homemade Life, blogger and author Molly Wizenberg describes her preference for scones: “When something clicks with me, I want to keep it around. That goes not only for recipes but also for facial cleansers, chocolate, and men. But about the recipes. My sister Lisa’s Scottish scones are another good example. I prefer scones over all other morning breads, and of the specimens I have sampled, hers are my very favorite.” Based upon your reading of this passage, which of the following assumptions can be made about Wizenberg and her sister’s scones?
a. The scones, like her facial cleansers, are suited for people with normal to dry skin.
b. Wizenberg likes her scones the same way she likes her men: rich, buttery, and Scottish.
c. The scones are made with chocolate. Hence, if life is like a box of chocolates, then you will never know what kind of scones you’re going to get.
d. All of the above
39) In his review of the restaurant Marea, former New York Times restaurant critic Sam Sifton made the following observation about one of the appetizers: “The very first item on the menu at Marea is ricci, a piece of warm toast slathered with sea urchin roe, blanketed in a thin sheet of lardo, and dotted with sea salt. It offers exactly the sensation as kissing an extremely attractive person for the first time—a bolt of surprise and pleasure combined. The salt and fat give way to primal sweetness and combine in deeply agreeable ways. The feeling lingers on the tongue and vibrates through the body.” Which of the following conclusions can be made based on this passage?
a. Mr. Sifton is into vibrators.
b. Sea urchin roe is not only delicious but looks really hot.
c. When kissing Mr. Sifton, always wear sea salt—flavored lip gloss.
d. Mr. Sifton sleeps on sheets made of lardo.
e. All of the above
40) In her recipe for saltimbocca, food writer Amanda Hesser provides the following instructions on pounding veal: “Between sheets of wax paper or parchment, pound the veal cutlets, one at a time, until very thin (1/8 inch). They should be the size of a woman’s shoe. Cover each cutlet with a slice of prosciutto and then two sage leaves. Fold the veal in half and secure shut with a toothpick. Season each veal package with a tiny bit of salt and plenty of pepper.” Which of the following conclusions can be drawn based on an interpretation of this passage?
a. Always pound veal with a woman’s shoe.
b. In a pinch, a veal cutlet can be worn as a flip-flop.
c. Single men who attempt this recipe for saltimbocca should own a meat pounder and at least one pair of women’s shoes.
d. Ms. Hesser’s veal cutlets may have scuff marks.
e. All of the above
True/False
41) Washed-rind cheeses are dishwasher safe.
a. True
b. False
42) Pimiento del Piquillo is a Dominican baseball player who plays shortstop for the New York Mets.
a. True
b. False
43) You have eaten at one of chef David Chang’s Momofuku restaurants.
a. True
b. False
44) You have eaten at Applebee’s.
a. True
b. False
45) You can describe a wine as being “flaccid” with a straight face.
a. True
b. False
46) The 2009 film Julie & Julia was a sequel to the 1982 film Victor/Victoria.
a. True
b. False
47) When talking about chocolate, you call the beans “cacao” as opposed to “cocoa.”
a. True
b. False
48) You have tried your hand at making your own bacon.
a. True
b. False
49) Alice Waters once turned heads by saying that for her last meal, she’d like to eat a bowl of shark fin soup.
a. True
b. False
50) Wolfgang Puck has not been outside of a QVC studio since 1992.
a. True
b. False
Answer Key
To score your GQ, give yourself one point for each correct answer.
1) c
2) a
3) a
4) a
5) a
6) b
7) a
8) c
9) c
10) e
11) c
12) c
13) b
14) b
15) d
16) a
17) e
18) b
19) a
20) c
21) a
22) e
23) d
24) a
25) d
26) a
27) d
28) b
29) d
30) e
31) e
32) b
33) c
34) c
35) d
36) e
37) d
38) d
39) e
40) e
41) b
42) b
43) a
44) b
45) a
46) b
47) a
48) a
49) a
50) a
Assessing Your GQ: After tabulating your total score, you can determine your gastronomical quotient.
0–10 points: VELVEETAN
Limited knowledge of gastronomy. Seek meaning and connection in nacho-cheese sauce. Exhibit loyalty to chef Guy Fieri and skepticism about eating beef cheeks. Thorough, painstaking, and accurate when making instant ramen.
11–30 points: EMERILIAN
Some familiarity with gastronomy, but mostly derived from watching the Food Network. Quiet, friendly, and conscientious about cleaning their George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machines. Take pleasure in saying “Bam!” when cooking. Notice and remember specific catchphrases of Rachael Ray. Strive to cook frozen pizzas properly without burning them.
31–40 points: BATALIAN
Strong knowledge of gastronomy. Curious about cured meats and quick to see the culinary possibilities of lardo. Adaptable, flexible, and accepting, unless their truffles are threatened. Occasionally haughty about cuisine, but open to watching food television programs. Want to be appreciated for their bread-making abilities and for their high-quality olive oils.
41–50 points: KELLERIAN
Deep knowledge of gastronomy. Exhibit extraordinary finesse in all things culinary. Want harmony in their kitchen and work with determination to establish it. Skilled in all culinary arts, with a particular specialty in sousvide. Flexible and tolerant of the occasional lowbrow food (Skippy peanut butter), they take a pragmatic approach to cooking that is focused on results.