“Ruthie & Julia”

 

October 1975

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts

 

Joining Julia Child for dinner was always an “interesting” experience. She was one of the few women—or men, for that matter—who could drink me under the table, and her enthusiasm for cooking, food, and culinary technique was incredibly infectious. Speaking of infectious, I’m pretty sure I caught something one time when she cooked me boeuf Bourguignon at her house in Cambridge.

In all my years, I’ll never forget watching, in stomach-turning horror, as she proceeded to drop nearly every ingredient in the recipe on the floor as she cooked (and continued to cook).

“There go the onions!” she exclaimed as they rolled off the counter. She bolted after them, gathering them up with her long arms. But as she swung back around to get her chef’s knife and begin chopping, her hips knocked four pounds of raw meat off the counter.

“Oh, drat! That’s going to be a problem, isn’t it?” she said as we both watched the beef flop from the counter down to the floor, landing on one of her husband Paul’s slippers.

“You’re probably not going to believe me now, but you know I never dropped a turkey on live television,” she confided.

I rolled my eyes. Sure you didn’t, I thought to myself.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said. “We’ll just carry on. That’s why they call it the thirty-second rule, don’t they?”

“You mean the five-second rule?” I asked.

“Give or take twenty-five seconds,” she replied with a wink and a half-smile. “It’s nothing a little butter can’t fix.”

Oh, Jesus, I thought.

And then, just as we had scraped all of the meat off the floor and removed the dust, she dropped the bottle of burgundy. It would have been comical were it not for the fact that she continued to cook with all the fallen foodstuffs. I excused myself to the bathroom to raid her medicine cabinet for antibiotics.

 

“Don’t worry, Ruth! It happens all the time!” she called out to me as I came back down the hallway with a mouthful of Cipro. “When you’re alone in the kitchen, who’s going to see, anyway?” she said.

“But you’re not alone, Julia,” I mumbled as I swallowed the pills. “What about me? I’m here!” That minor detail seemed to escape her.

I offered to help clean up, but as I reached out to lend a hand, she dropped a stick of butter, slipped on an onion skin, and landed right in the puddle of wine, taking me down with her. The two of us were lying on the floor drenched in wine and cow’s blood and smelling like onions.

“Isn’t this a fine mess!” she chortled as she handed me a straw to sip the burgundy off the floor. “No thanks,” I said as I threw up in my mouth a little.

 

THE HISTORY OF GASTRONOMY: A TIME LINE

 

How did we get here?

In the hustle and bustle of our modern times, always searching for the new “new,” the latest food trend, and a reservation at one of Thomas Keller’s restaurants, we can sometimes lose sense of our history. If you can believe it, not long ago, there were no gourmet food trucks, no panini sandwiches or banh mi, and even sous-vide machines were almost unheard of. In fact, just a couple of decades ago, man subsisted almost entirely on tuna tartare and molten chocolate cake. And before that, there was something called “tuna casserole.” Those were the darkest of times.

Some have argued, profoundly, that the evolution of human beings and gastronomy went hand in hand. Grasping control of fire and using it as a means to cook (and smoke a pipe filled with tangerine zest or the drug of one’s choice) may be the single most significant event in human evolution and culinary history. In many ways, perhaps we can call ourselves humans today only because of this critical moment in history: mastering fire. Think about it. With the exception of sushi, of course, without fire there would be no gastronomy as we know and cherish it: no braised short ribs, no bistecca alla Fiorentina, and no McRibs (OK, maybe fire’s not such a good thing).

Anyway, to get some perspective on Homo gastronomus (“Gastro-Man”) and trace his evolution into the modern foodie, it helps to take a look backward. What follows is a time line of some of the most significant events in food history, from the Prehistoric Era to the ancient world, the Middle Ages, and, finally, the birth of contemporary gastronomy as we know it today.

 

The Prehistoric Era

This is where it all started, before the advent of Microplane graters, the invention of the Cuisinart, or even the evolution of humans. Terrifying as it may sound, plant-eating dinosaurs—the planet’s first vegans—ruled the Earth until the arrival of flesh eaters like Tyrannosaurus rex, which started one of the world’s first global food trends: carrion. Not long afterward, early humans emerged. Woolly mammoth tartare was all the rage until the mastery of fire, when humans finally grasped the art of cooking. Our human ancestors might seem unrecognizable to us in many ways, but before long they would be making hollandaise sauce.

4.6 billion years ago

Earth opens for business, and it’s hotter than ever (200 degrees Celsius, to be precise), though it would be billions of years until its first review appears on Yelp.

2.1 billion years ago

Eukaryotes, organisms whose cells contain complex structures enclosed within membranes, evolve. They are delicious served raw with a nice mignonette or simply a squeeze of lemon.

545 million years ago

Hard-shelled mollusks, the ancestors of snails, appear. Sadly, it would be many, many years until the invention of butter and the evolution of parsley.

225 million years ago

The dinosaurs emerge. Carrion is the big food trend in carnivorous dinosaur circles.

2.3 million years ago

The appearance of Homo habilis, the first “true human,” occurs. He used stone tools to hunt and scavenge meat. Woolly mammoth tartare goes big-time.

1.8 million years ago

A skilled hunter, Homo erectus evolves. With his emergence, the Age of Prehistoric Sushi comes to a close as early man discovers how to use fire for cooking. Archaeologists name him Homo bobbyflayus.

200,000 years ago

Homo sapiens emerge, with all of the physical and anatomical features familiar to modern men and women, including the ability to sous-vide.

130,000 years ago

Neanderthals evolve. They almost become extinct 22,000 years ago, before reemerging in modern times in the form of Guy Fieri.

12,000 BC

People living on Egypt’s Lower Nile use grinding stones to produce a kind of flour from the seeds of wild grasses. Their descendants will shop the bulk aisles at Whole Foods.

10,000 BC

Crude forms of flatbread are being made for the first time, though archaeologists cannot confirm whether this was the “original” Ray’s pizza.

9,000 BC

Bows and arrows are used in Europe for hunting, though spears remain the most commonly used weapons. And yet, Microplane graters still don’t exist.

6,500 BC

The wheel is invented in Sumer, radically changing transportation and setting forth the evolution of gourmet food trucks.

 

Ancient Epicureanism

The rise of civilizations stretching from Asia to Europe brought humans together into communities. Major advances took place in agriculture, husbandry, and social vomiting. Even so, it would be years until anyone could make a decent espresso.

 

490 BC

Pre-dating McDonald’s, Persia’s Darius I has one thousand animals slaughtered every day for the royal table in Persepolis.

350 BC

The first cookbook is written by Greek author Archestratus. Shortly thereafter, he is struck down by a lightning bolt from Zeus for publishing a recipe for vegan mayonnaise.

312 BC

An aqueduct connects Rome to springs outside the city, bringing fresh water to its inhabitants. Roman residents eagerly await the construction of a beerqueduct.

300 BC

Sugarcane from India is introduced into the Middle East, but “frosted falafel” never really takes off as a food trend.

100 BC

Romans begin to cultivate oysters in beds. While it’s an effective form of early aquaculture, they also discover that it’s extremely uncomfortable to sleep that way.

54 BC

Julius Caesar invades Britain, but never really gets the Marmite thing.

1 BC

At the Last Supper, a Passover seder, Jesus proclaims the matzo balls to be “a little on the dense side.”

44

The vomitorium, an early ancestor of the buffet restaurant, is all the rage in Rome.

100

The first mechanical dough mixer is invented by Marcus Vergilius Eurysaces. It consists of a large stone basin with wooden paddles powered by a horse or donkey. While the dough mixer is hugely successful, his crude attempt at building a turtle-powered Slap Chop fails miserably.

273

In addition to a daily bread ration, Roman emperor Aurelianus adds pork fat to the list of foods distributed free to the populace. Man, those were the days.

408

The Visigoths attack Rome, and demand three thousand pounds of pepper as ransom. The epic race to invent the first pepper grinder begins in earnest.

827

Spinach is introduced into Sicily by the Saracens, pissing off Sicilian kids no end.

833

Rulers in China forbid the population from drinking wine on days of national mourning. Naturally, they turn to the hard stuff.

850

According to legend, coffee is discovered by the Arab goatherd Kaidi when his goats get twitchy after chewing on raw coffee beans. The next morning, the goats experience headaches. Restless, they grunt their desire for cappuccinos.

 

Medieval and Renaissance Gastronomy

One of the darkest periods in human history occurs when the Goths invade Rome, bringing about an abrupt and brutal end to the Roman Empire. After Rome is sacked, it would be centuries until you could find a decent prosciutto. The world was riven by wars. Plagues decimated populations, and famine became one of the biggest food trends, not to mention gruel and mutton. But mostly famine.

907

A cataclysmic turn of events for mankind: Tofu becomes popular in China.

1250

European crusaders return from the Middle East, bringing with them cardamom, cinnamon, cloves, coriander, cumin, saffron, and the worst hummus breath.

1492

Italian explorer Christopher Columbus discovers the New World, and opens up a chain of failed pizza restaurants.

1494

Columbus lands on the shores of Jamaica, logs on to Chowhound.com, and proclaims the jerk chicken to be the best he’s ever had.

1561

Marmalade is invented by a physician to Mary Queen of Scots to settle her stomach. She later banishes him after his failure to heal her sprained ankle with apricot jam.

1582

The first mention of coffee occurs in print by a European merchant traveling to Arabia: “Jesus, this coffee sucks ass. Why does Starbucks always have to burn it?”

1621

Pilgrims and Native Americans celebrate their first Thanksgiving, a historic event in American history representing an important coming together and breaking of bread. Both groups find common ground in pledging to eat less the next year.

1634

To maintain the quality of its mustard, France imposes strict rules on mustard makers. A democratic movement in favor of ketchup emerges in response.

1681

The pressure cooker is invented. Thousands seek psychological help to deal with their deep-seated fears that the devices will explode in their kitchens.

1729

In “A Modest Proposal,” Jonathan Swift advocates eating children to solve the Irish population crisis. Not a bad idea.

1762

To great success, the Earl of Sandwich invents the sandwich. His longtime competitor, the Earl of Panini, is absolutely devastated and driven to depression.

1764

The first public restaurant opens in France. People are surprised the owners went with a Tex-Mex theme.

1774

English explorer James Cook nearly dies of poisoning after eating a blowfish. The seafood chain Red Blowfish quickly files for bankruptcy, shuttering all of its restaurants.

1784

Marie-Antoine Carême is born in Paris, France. Though considered by historians to be the world’s first “celebrity chef,” he is never selected to appear as a contestant on Top Chef Masters. What’s up with that?

1850

One of the most horrifying days in food history: The American Vegetarian Society is established.

1870

Le Gourmet, a popular Parisian gastronomic journal, ceases publication. People debate whether the rise of blogs or the decline in luxury advertising was the cause of its downfall.

 

The Modern Era

We’ve come a long way since the evolution of Homo bobbyflayus. For the modern eater, the eternal quest for fire has evolved into the ultimate quest for umami. As food became industrialized, a new class of critics emerged who questioned the safety and sustainability of food systems. Many heeded their call, promoting organic, local, and seasonal foods, while others largely ignored them, unable to resist the siren song of In-N-Out Burger.

1903

A very chubby, bald baby is born who smells strangely of tarragon. His parents name him James Beard.

1908

Dr. Kikunae Ikeda of Tokyo Imperial University introduces the concept of umami, the so-called fifth taste that represents savoriness. People have absolutely no clue what he is talking about (and still don’t).

1915

A devastating day for drinking: Absinthe is outlawed in France.

1920

Prohibition begins, and “bathtub gin” is born, along with the lesser known “toilet bourbon,” which never really took off.

1924

A chef in Tijuana claims to have created the first-ever Caesar salad. The same guy also claims he created the hamburger, fettucine alfredo, paella, and the Waldorf salad. He is later executed in a public hanging and pelted with anchovies, garlic, and Parmesan cheese.

1929

The Dow Jones plummets, setting forth the Great Depression. Soup is suddenly the new hotness.

1933

Prohibition laws are repealed. Cheers!

1937

SPAM is invented. To this day, nobody knows what it’s made of.

1938

Larousse Gastronomique, an important culinary reference book and doorstop, is published.

1954

“Broasted chicken” appears, to the confusion of the masses, who wonder, is it baked, roasted, broiled, boiled, or all four? The debate rages on to this day.

1955

Ray Kroc opens his first McDonald’s burger stand and plots his world empire.

1956

Chef, restaurateur, and hotelier Alain Ducasse is born. In a first, his amniotic fluid is rated three Michelin stars.

1961

Julia Child publishes Mastering the Art of French Cooking. But concerns about her influence are raised after news reports that many Americans are overdosing on boeuf Bourguignon.

1969

Funyuns, a packaged onion-flavored snack food, are introduced, a godsend to stoners everywhere.

1971

Alice Waters puts peaches on a plate and serves it to unsuspecting rubes at her so-called restaurant Chez Panisse.

1974

Mama Cass Elliot of The Mamas & the Papas dies in London. Contrary to rumors, she did not choke to death on a ham sandwich. She choked to death on three ham sandwiches.

1978

Chef Jeremiah Tower leaves Chez Panisse. On his way out, Alice Waters angrily eggs him with an organic, free-range, wood fire—roasted egg.

1979

The first Zagat restaurant survey is published. The guide is considered “useful” to some, even if its descriptions can be “a little out of date” and the numerical ratings are “usually less than reliable.”

1979

Celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme, a leader in Cajun cuisine, opens K-Paul’s Louisiana Kitchen in New Orleans. Some find his “blackening up” of everything from catfish to chicken to be racially insensitive.

1982

The first California Pizza Kitchen opens. It’s called “Spago.”

1985

A tuna tartare epidemic ravages Los Angeles.

1987

Spanish chef Ferran Adrià takes over the kitchen of the restaurant El Bulli, bringing about revolutionary developments in the new field of molecular gastronomy. Scarce reservations at the in-demand restaurant spawn a series of riots by foodies in world capitals.

1991

The last vestige of ’80s cuisine, molten chocolate cake, appears, burning the tongues of millions worldwide.

1994

The Microplane rasp, invented in 1990 as a woodworking tool, is first used to zest an orange, and the era of narcotic citrus zesting and smoking begins.

1994

Bringing butter poaching to the masses, chef Thomas Keller opens The French Laundry in Yountville, California.

1995

The faddish cabbage soup diet, and the magnitude of resulting farts from its adherents, is cited as a major man-made cause of global warming.

2003

America’s first legal den of food porn opens in San Francisco. It’s called the Ferry Building Marketplace.

2006

A major culinary invention, the deep-frying of Coca Cola, takes place.

2008

A landmark day for freedom in America: The USDA finally allows the import of jamón Ibérico.

2011

Pioneering molecular-gastronomy restaurant El Bulli closes. An explosion of first-person accounts of eating a final meal at the restaurant causes a global epidemic of El Boredom.

 

 

HEAVEN AND HELL

The food world is a lot like Star Wars: there are the Jedis of gastronomy—heroic chefs, writers, and eaters who inspire us all—and then there are culinary Siths, a cult of madmen (and madwomen) hell-bent on destroying everything that is beautiful and delicious.

 

THE PANTHEON: The Jedi Knights of Gastronomy

Samuel Johnson (1709–1784)

WHO: English author, poet, editor, and lexicographer.

GASTRONOMIC GREATNESS: Feeding his beloved cat Hodge a diet of fresh-shucked oysters.

William the Conqueror (1028–1087)

WHO: The first Norman king of England.

GASTRONOMIC GREATNESS: After discovering he was too fat to ride his horse, he confined himself to bed and took up a liquid diet consisting entirely of alcoholic beverages.

Fergus Henderson (BORN 1963)

WHO: English chef, cookbook author, and restaurateur who founded the St. John restaurant in London.

GASTRONOMIC GREATNESS: Godlike proponent of “nose-to-tail eating” and the use of offal and other “nasty bits.”

Mario Batali (BORN 1960)

WHO: Chef, restaurateur, and television personality whose restaurant empire stretches from Los Angeles to Singapore. Batali’s signature (though questionable) fashion style includes shorts and orange Crocs.

GASTRONOMIC GREATNESS: Enhancing Americans’ knowledge of regional Italian cuisines and spreading the gospel of guanciale (cured hog’s jowl) and lardo (cured pork fatback).

Ljubomir Erovic (BORN 1963)

WHO: Serbian chef and testicle evangelist.

GASTRONOMIC GREATNESS: Founder of the annual “World Testicle & Aphrodisiac Cooking Championship,” Erovic experienced an epicurean epiphany when he unwittingly devoured a delicious testicle goulash: “I couldn’t sleep that very night because I became incredibly aroused and felt a real ‘charge of positive energy’ that I had to use somehow. I had never experienced anything like that before. The next day, after the wild night, I found out from a friend that the dish we ate was testicle goulash. I suddenly realized that it could be a great way to help the sexually troubled ones and through the cooking contests discover the strongest aphrodisiac to conquer the world.”

Hannibal Lecter, MD (BORN 1933)

WHO: Brilliant psychiatrist, serial killer, and cannibal.

GASTRONOMIC GREATNESS: One of the leading advocates of eating people, Dr. Lecter is known especially for popularizing food and wine pairings such as “human liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

 

THE EVIL EMPIRE: The Sith Lords of Food

Jeff Smith (1939–2004)

WHO: The author of a dozen bestselling cookbooks, he was the host of The Frugal Gourmet television cooking show on PBS from 1983 to 1997.

CRIMES AGAINST GASTRONOMY: Cooking with Elmo.

Guy Fieri (BORN 1968)

WHO: Restaurateur, author, television personality, and game-show host, he co-owns five restaurants in California, and is one of the most popular cooking personalities on the Food Network.

CRIMES AGAINST GASTRONOMY: Flaming shirts, unbearable spiked hair, wearing sunglasses on the back of his head, extreme bastardization of food (he is responsible for such grotesque recipes as RITZ Cracker Cheesesteak Sliders), and general douchebagerry.

Alice Waters (BORN 1944)

WHO: Often called the “mother of American food,” Waters is the pioneering chef and owner of Chez Panisse and a leading advocate of organic, locally grown ingredients.

CRIMES AGAINST GASTRONOMY: Pretentious habit of roasting eggs in a wood-fired oven for breakfast.

Rachael Ray (BORN 1968)

WHO: Husky-voiced television personality, celebrity chef, and cookbook author, she hosts a syndicated daytime talk show and several Food Network series. A glossy food magazine, Every Day with Rachael Ray, bears her name.

CRIMES AGAINST GASTRONOMY: Excessive perkiness; dumbing down the culinary arts and forever bastardizing food television; popularizing unbearable food words such as “Yumm-o” and the dreaded “E-V-O-O”; thirty-minute meals; creating and selling a “garbage bowl” for use during food prep.

Paula Deen (BORN 1947)

WHO: Cooking show host, restaurateur, author, and owner of The Lady & Sons restaurant in Savannah, Georgia, with her sons, Jamie and Bobby Deen.

CRIMES AGAINST GASTRONOMY: Doing unholy things with butter, deep-frying macaroni and cheese, inserting a burger between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and blinding the public with other unappealing culinary creations.

Graham Kerr (BORN 1934)

WHO: British television cooking personality and cookbook author famous for his Galloping Gourmet show and persona.

CRIMES AGAINST GASTRONOMY: Galloping.