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A FIELD GUIDE TO THE MODERN FOODIE

Amuse-Douches: Scorned by FEMIVORES, these food dudes typically reside in “man caves,” favor Ed Hardy shirts, and worship at the altar of dudeish chefs like Guy Fieri. Labeled also as FOUCHES in some circles, AMUSE-DOUCHES will only mate with DOUCHEBAGUETTES.

Artisinalarians: Deeply committed to hand made foods and traditional culinary techniques, they include both LOCAVORES and GLOBAVORES. ARTISANALARIANS are devoted to the demigod Alice Waters and follow the ritual of taking communion with an artisanal baguette spread with cultured European-style butter.

Barbecuties: Devotees of barbecue, BARBECUTIES are a loosely affiliated group of men and women bound by a common desire for smoked, slow-cooked meats. Like Catholics and Protestants in the Christian church, BARBECUTIES are divided into two major groups: the DRY RUBBERS, who prefer dry spice-rubbed barbecue, and the SAUCISTAS, who believe barbecue should be slathered with barbecue sauce. The confederation of BARBECUTIES includes splinter sects such as the KANSAS CITIZENS, MEMPHITES, and the Texan BRISKETEERS. A far-flung group of BARBECUTIES in China are known as the CHARSIUVIANS (worshippers of Chinese char siu barbecued pork).

Bearded Clams: A small but growing concentration of shellfish-loving hipsters hailing from Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Beasties: Advocates of “whole animal” eating, many of whom happen to also be organ-loving OFFALITES.

Bestavores: A term coined by former New York Times restaurant critic Mimi Sheraton, BESTAVORES prefer the “best” food products, whatever their geographic provenance. They are in an eternal struggle against LOCAVORES, who forsake foods that are not local.

BILFs: Sexy butchers.

Breisexuals: People who experience an orgasmic response to eating matzo brei.

Burgermeisters: Serious connoisseurs of burgers, they are divided into devotees of high-quality fast-food burgers (in the style of New York’s Shake Shack, for example) and those who prefer upscale burgers teeming with foie gras, truffles, and other fancy ingredients. Among the BURGERMEISTERS are the SLIDERATTI, a small subspecies especially interested in miniature “slider”-style burgers.

Candy Freaks: Candy snobs of the highest order, they reject many modern confections in favor of classic candies like the Sky Bar, a milk-chocolate bar containing four sections filled with caramel, vanilla, peanut, and fudge. Their mecca is Economy Candy, the old-school candy emporium located on New York’s Lower East Side. A deeply religious order of CANDY FREAKS known as EGGHEADS ritually observes the Easter holiday by savoring and stockpiling Cadbury Creme Eggs.

Carniwhores: A meat-happy race of humans who pleasure themselves with dry-aged rib-eye steaks, blood pudding, pork bellies, and foie gras (see illustration).

Charcuteristas: While they bear a close kinship to CARNIWHORES for their shared love of meat, CHARCUTERISTAS eschew the cooking of animals over fire in favor of curing them through various culinary schemes involving salts, nitrates, and brines. It is advised to always keep your head down in the home of a CHARCUTERISTA because you may bump into a duck breast hanging from the ceiling as it slowly morphs into duck prosciutto. In Italy, CHARCUTERISTAS are known as SALUMIANS.

Cheftestants: Culinary contestants vying for fame and cash prizes on television reality cooking shows.

Chicken Wranglers: The LOCAVORE movement has spawned a wave of these hardcore local eaters who not only grow their own produce but raise their own chickens, mainly for fresh eggs.

CHILFs: Sexy chefs.

Chocophiles: Chocolate snobs with a deep devotion to all things cacao. A very sensual people, CHOCOPHILES have been observed to have the rare sexual ability to experience chocolate as being orgasmic (see illustration).

Chowhounds: Dedicated and oftentimes curmudgeonly members of the pioneering online food forum Chowhound.com who tend to obsess endlessly over the latest developments in local ethnic food scenes. A small tribe of disgruntled CHOWHOUNDS left the fold to found the competing online food message board eGullet.

Coffeegeeks: A species of highly caffeinated humans with an unhealthy addiction to coffee, brewing techniques, and coffee-making equipment and gear. They have spawned several subspecies, including the FRENCH PRESSERS, DRIPS, CHEMEXICANS, ESPRESSOVITES, and PERCOLATORIANS. Die-hard ESPRESSOVITES are in a constant struggle against the POD PEOPLE, who prefer the ease of using prepackaged ground espresso pods to make their coffee drinks (see illustration).

Crop Mobbers: A small species of twentysomething hipster foodies who choose to gather at a small farm at a predetermined time to combine their (volunteer) efforts to make intensive agricultural improvements.

Culinary Enthusiasts: A label made up by closeted FOODIES who can’t bear to be called by that unspeakable name.

Curd Nerds: Obsessed with curds and whey, CURD NERDS are cheese fanatics whose numbers also include the radicalized LACTIVISTS, champions of raw milk over pasteurized milk (see illustration).

Daily Candies: These upper-middle-class, urban-dwelling, female subscribers to the daily e-mail newsletter “Daily Candy” tend to have a penchant for cosmopolitans, Sex and the City, and cupcakes (there are quite a few MAGNOLIANS in their ranks). They are devoted followers of new restaurant openings and have a genetic sexual attraction to the playboy celebrity chef (and total CHILF) Todd English.

Dining Digerati: Recently evolved species of gastronomes who communicate in the form of blog posts, tweets, and message-board postings (see illustration). A diverse group, they include FOOD BLOGGERS, TWEATERS, YELPERS, GROUPONIES, and CHOWHOUNDS.

Douchebaguettes: The natural mating partner of the AMUSE-DOUCHE, DOUCHEBAGUETTES are easily identified by their fake tans, physical attraction to chef Guy Fieri, and chocolate martinis.

Drunkorexics: Mostly female twentysomething binge drinkers who starve themselves to offset the large numbers of calories they consume in alcoholic beverages.

Femivores: An exclusively female coven of ARTISANALARIANS who combine their interest in food with feminism. FEMIVORES are diametrically opposed to most DAILY CANDIES and DOUCHEBAGUETTES.

FILFs: Sexy farmers.

Finessians: Followers of the überchef Thomas Keller, FINESSIANS use Keller’s signature catchphrase “It’s all about finesse” as a mantra and treat his The French Laundry Cookbook as scripture.

Flexitarians: An umbrella term for fake vegetarians who embrace a mostly plant-based diet yet make the odd exception for animal products like bacon. Their numbers include distinct subspecies such as POLLOTARIANS, who will eat chicken but not meat from mammals, and PESCETARIANS, who eat seafood but not poultry or meat from mammals. Interspecies mating has even produced PESCE-POLLOTARIANS, who consume poultry and fish, but not meat from mammals.

Foieckers: People with an obsessive interest in eating and talking about foie gras.

Food Bloggers: A new and groundbreaking development in the food world is the emergence of this burgeoning species of gastronomes who are pathologically unable to eat, drink, or cook without writing about it on a Web site and posting a photo of their meal. While there are some YELPERS among the ranks of FOOD BLOGGERS, they are generally despised by this group.

Food Jammers: Hipster gastronomes who bring a DIY ethos to culinary challenges such as making one’s own Nutella at home, reverse engineering Girl Scout Thin Mints cookies, or roasting coffee using a blow dryer.

Food Nerds: Followers of the television personality and author Alton Brown, FOOD NERDS share a deep interest in food science, though without the cache of MODERNISTS (aka MOLECULAR GASTRONOMISTS).

Foodies: An umbrella term for people with an interest in food, cooking, and restaurants. It has come to acquire an unsavory association with snobbishness or faddishness. As a result, some FOODIES, wincing at the label, self-identify with the unintentionally snobby-sounding name CULINARY ENTHUSIASTS.

Foodiots: A disparaging name for those overzealous FOODIES whose exhibitionistic affection for food, cooking, chefs, and restaurants is an annoyance to his or her peers.

Foodoirists: Memoir writers who can turn any edible experience, from eating a Dorito to their first taste of truffles, into a truth-revealing epiphany.

Foopies: The foodie equivalent of rock band groupies, FOOPIES blindly follow celebrity chefs, even when they have mostly given up actual restaurant cooking to take up residence in the QVC studios.

Foragers: For FORAGERS, a walk in the woods is like a trip to Costco without the giant tubs of peanut butter. To their highly astute and trained eyes, there might be ramps, mushrooms, wild fennel, mulberries, wood sorrel, and purslane, among other wild ingredients, ripe for the picking. Foragers worship at the soiled feet of the half-man/half–woodland elf René Redzepi, chef of Denmark’s famed Noma restaurant.

Freegans: Formerly known as GOBOS (gourmet hobos), FREEGANS are committed to eating food that has been discarded, whether from grocery stores, restaurants, farms, factories, or private homes. Through their actions, FREEGANS seek to expose the immense amount of food that goes wasted while essentially eating garbage for free.

Fruitarians: A subspecies of VEGANS, FRUITARIANS eat a diet that only includes fruits, nuts, and seeds and excludes animal products, vegetables, and grains.

Gastrognomes: Chubby celebrity chefs like Michel Richard and Paul Prudhomme who sport silver hair and beards. Pointy hats are optional (Mr. Prudhomme prefers a white beret).

Gastrosexuals: A corollary to the rise of FOOD DUDES is the emergence of GASTROSEXUALS: men who hone their culinary techniques and use their cooking as a way to impress and seduce prospective sexual partners.

Globavores: Like their brethren the LOCAVORES, GLOBAVORES are committed to local food products and supporting local artisans. However, they are willing to import such products from far-flung places rather than rely strictly upon items sourced from their “foodshed.” For example, while a northern Californian LOCAVORE would choose to only consume olive oil produced locally in Napa Valley, GLOBAVORES would gladly buy olive oil made by artisanal producers in Tuscany.

Gluten Freedom Fighters: A fierce group of combatants suffering from celiac disease who are fighting a guerilla war against gluten. Never cross a GLUTEN FREEDOM FIGHTER, but don’t eat their pizza, either.

Goodies: Gay FOODIES. Loosely affiliated with TRANS-FATTIES (gluttonous transsexuals).

Grillists: Men who profess to be experts in grilling but claim no other cooking skills (they are especially averse to baking). Most of their numbers are devoted followers of Bobby Flay (from whom they have, in fact, been “licensed to grill”) and demigod Steven Raichlen.

Grouponies: Penny-pinching users of Groupon and other daily-deals Web sites. GROUPONIES have a love—hate relationship with restaurateurs, who stomach them for the traffic they provide to their businesses even if they undermine their profit margins.

Gurgitators: Gustatory “athletes” who compete in races to eat large volumes of foodstuffs, from lobsters to asparagus to tiramisu. The Super Bowl of competitive eating is the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest held annually in Coney Island every Independence Day.

Hauties: Snobbish denizens of four-star restaurants.

Hocavores: Sexy LOCAVORES.

Honeydrippers: A subset of extreme LOCAVORES who keep bees, even in urban locales (atop roofs), in order to cultivate their own honey.

Hoppers: A beer-drinking species devoted to tasting, imbibing, and brewing beer. A diverse group, HOPPERS include CRAFTIES (craft beer aficionados), STOUTS, LAGERIANS, PILSNERDS, and ALEWIVES (a small subgroup of female-only beer drinkers with a penchant for herring).

Lactivists: Antipasteurization activists who champion raw milk for its flavor and nutritional benefits despite laws banning its sale. Many of them participate in underground raw milk co-ops that distribute the contraband milk.

Lardcorists: Chefs and their followers who profess a commitment to “lardcore” cuisine, a term coined by food writer Josh Ozersky to describe “Southern food with hard-core attitude.” Their leader is the Charleston-based chef Sean Brock.

Locapours: Individuals who seek to drink only wine, beer, and spirits produced locally. See also: LOCAVORES.

Locavores: People who strive to only eat foods that are grown locally—within their “foodshed” (one hundred-mile radius, typically)—whenever possible. It is considered wise to never invite a LOCAVORE to dinner in Chinatown (see illustration). See also: CHICKEN WRANGLERS, HONEYDRIPPERS, GLOBAVORES, LOCAPOURS, and BESTAVORES.

Magnolians: Extreme cupcake connoisseurs, MAGNOLIANS worship at the temple of all cupcakes, New York’s Magnolia Bakery, popularized on the television series Sex and the City. The MAGNOLIANS have recently spawned a splinter group, CAKE POPPERS, devotees of bite-sized cakes on sticks.

Manorexics: Men who suffer from eating disorders.

Marrowvians: A subspecies of CARNIWHORES with a serious dedication to consuming roasted bone marrow.

MILFs: Sexy mixologists.

Mister Lattes: Despised by all true COFFEEGEEKS, MISTER LATTES commit the faux pas of drinking lattes and cappuccinos at ungodly hours. They are willfully ignorant of the Italian custom of only consuming such beverages strictly during the morning. Tad Friend, author and writer for The New Yorker, is the poster boy for all MISTER LATTES, made famous for his errant coffee-drinking ways in food writer Amanda Hesser’s book Cooking for Mr. Latte.

Mixologists: Bartenders with a pedigree of combining artisanal ingredients to create new and postmodern classic cocktails. The most pretentious among them call themselves BAR CHEFS.

Modernists: Avant-garde chefs who practice molecular gastronomy yet bristle at the term. Watch out, because if you call them MOLECULAR GASTRONOMISTS they might sous-vide you. Better to bite your tongue and refer to them as MODERNISTS.

Mothershuckers: Moms who love oysters.

Noctcarnivores: Food writer and cookbook author Mark Bittman proselytizes this quasi-monkish way of life that combines veganism during breakfast and lunch with carnivorism after the sun sets.

Noodlers: Soup and noodle cultists, NOODLERS are broken down into two major camps: RAMENIACS (lovers of authentic Japanese ramen) and PHOCKERS (devotees of Vietnamese pho soup).

Oenophiles: A cult of wine obsessives, OENOPHILES typically have tannic personalities, teeth stained the color of black fruit, and an oaky finish. They are also frequently drunk off their asses. Included in their ranks are BUBBLEHEADS (sparkling-wine connoisseurs), WHIPPIES (wine hippies who prefer wines made using biodynamic agriculture), STELVINIANS (advocates of screw-cap enclosures on bottles), and CORKIES, who prefer bottles sealed with natural cork.

Offalites: Worshippers of British chef Fergus Henderson and American chef Chris Cosentino, they have a deep fetish for organ meats and other entrails of butchered animals. Though they may have been weaned off the breast by age two, they have been observed to continue to suckle at marrow bones well into their old age.

Olive Gardeners: A lost tribe of Americans who erroneously believe that they have discovered authentic Italian cuisine at the national restaurant chain Olive Garden.

Organistas: A fundamentalist splinter group of ARTISANALARIANS who restrict themselves to purchasing and eating only foods with an “organic” imprimatur. Many ORGANISTAS are also SLOW FOODIES (members of Slow Food, the global food-activist group headquartered in Italy).

Paleoliths: Adherents of the so-called caveman diet, which eschews cereal grains, legumes, dairy, vegetable oils, salt, alcohol, or refined sugars.

Patisserians: Lovers of pastries, their numbers include MACARONAS (addicts of French macarons), CAKEHEADS, and the occasional MAGNOLIAN.

Pizzaratti: These pizza snobs are on an eternal quest for pizza perfection and endlessly debate the merits of various types of pizza crust, cheese, sauce, and toppings. The PIZZARATTI suffer from a severe aversion to Hawaiian-style pizza and anything produced by the chain Domino’s Pizza.

Rawriors: Members of the raw-food movement, they are the last remaining descendants of those early, prehistoric humans who subsisted on plants before the discovery of fire.

Selmeliers: Students of gourmet salts who have developed an expertise on salt varieties, flavor profiles, and food pairings.

Trader Joes: When nobody is looking, it is not uncommon for some ARTISANALARIANS to sneak out to the chain Trader Joe’s for its famously inexpensive processed and frozen foods that are otherwise banned by edict from their demigod Alice Waters. TRADER JOES are in a death struggle against WHOLE FOODIES and are harsh critics of their temple, Whole Foods, which they deride with the derogatory term “Whole Paycheck.”

Tweaters: Users of the social media platform Twitter who post 140-character accounts and photos of their latest meals with hyped-up descriptions like “wonderful,” “best I ever had,” and “ridonculous.”

Umami Bombers: Umami addicts who are never without soy sauce, bacon, Parmesan cheese, and fish sauce.

Undercureans: Gastronomes who participate in (sometimes illegal) “underground” eating societies and other alternative culinary gatherings.

Vegans: A lower form of VEGETARIANS, this species only eats plants and eschews all dairy and animal products. To the untrained eye, male VEGANS may look like MANOREXICS. However, despite their gaunt appearance, they are able to maintain an adequate caloric intake by consuming, on average, twenty to thirty pounds of quinoa and kale per day, washed down with five to ten liters of kombucha.

Vegetarians: A peculiar breed of humans that abstains from eating meat, though many will still make an exception for bacon and chicken.

Whole Foodies: Regular customers of the supermarket chain Whole Foods Market.

Yeastheads: Serious fans of artisanal breads, they have forged a tentative truce in recent years with the breakaway rebels known as the GLUTEN FREEDOM FIGHTERS.

Yelpers: Members of the social restaurant review Web site Yelp, which has been criticized (in particular by FOOD BLOGGERS) for the posting of inaccurate information, personal slights, and a general lack of oversight by moderators. Nevertheless, even its most ardent critics will secretly tap Yelp as a resource when searching for a restaurant in an unfamiliar locale.

Zagateers: Somewhat “staid,” this group of restaurant-goers “won’t go anywhere” without their “little red books,” the Zagat Survey restaurant guides. ZAGATEERS tend to skew older and find new food media such as Yelp and food blogs to be a “mystery.”