Comfort Me with Offal

Celebrity Chef Hair

Being a celebrity chef isn’t all about culinary technique, ingenuity, or even training and education. One of the more overlooked but essential characteristics in the evolution of the modern celebrity chef is the choice of hairstyle, and, in the case of the male species, choice of facial hair. The selection of hairdo can have far-reaching consequences for one’s career. Not only does hair project one’s personal style and culinary acumen in a manner that gives an immediate and direct impression of a chef’s sensibilities (his or her basic culinary “brand”), in some cases it can also serve a very functional purpose in the kitchen.

1. The Wet Noodle
Chef Mario Batali’s taut ponytail not only keeps his hair out of his face while working in a professional kitchen, it also makes for an excellent vehicle for tasting pasta sauces while he cooks.

2. The Multitasker
This vertical, gelled-up ’do favored by Top Chef winner Richard Blais is not only a fashion statement, it’s an all-in-one natural-fiber scrub and basting brush. A unisex option, a variation on the look, is also sported by chef and Food Network personality Anne Burrell.

3. The Flavor Saver
Chefs Tom Colicchio and Michael Symon are the leading exponents of this classic contemporary celebrity chef look: a smooth, shiny hairless pate (which can be easily wiped clean with a dish towel) paired with a small tuft of hair just beneath the lower lip. The soul patch functions as a sort of “palate palette,” containing a miniature mise-en-place of flavors, aromas, essential oils, and, of course, the occasional crumb. What’s more, the bald head is fantastic for buffing wineglasses and silverware in a pinch.

4. The Extra-Virgin
The secret behind chef Nancy Silverton’s renowned pizzas at LA’s Mozza? She mops each and every crust with her hair, which has been dipped in the finest Italian extra-virgin olive oil. The oil also gives her curly locks an incredible shine and prevents flyaways.

5. The Jagger
Jamie Oliver’s “rock star” status is due in no small part to his no-nonsense, mussed-up ’do. The hairstyle evokes the look of late-’60s Mick Jagger, communicating a relaxed confidence, raw sex appeal, and the possibility he just got out of bed with David Bowie.

6. The Chin Buffet
A variant of the Flavor Saver, Chef Michael Psilakis combines a bald pate with a full “chin strap” rather than the minimalist soul patch favored by chefs Colicchio and Symon. Like the Flavor Saver, the facial hair can host a wide array of small ingredients, but the greater surface area of Psilakis’s Chin Buffet can actually support the weight of small cuts of meat, fish, and fowl.

7. The Muffler
Chef Wylie Dufresne is known for his innovative explorations in the field of avant-garde cooking and molecular gastronomy. What people may not know is that his shaggy locks provide a critical layer of protection for his ears when he is experimenting with potentially dangerous materials like liquid nitrogen or using noisy machinery like a centrifuge.

8. The Finesser
Chef Thomas Keller’s classic hairstyle makes a simple, smooth statement: My lobster is butter poached, and so are my sideburns.

A Day in the Life of a Celebrity Chef

Celebrity chefs must juggle an enormous array of responsibilities and commitments. How do they pull it off? Here’s an inside look at what a typical day looks like for today’s celebrity chefs.

2:00 a.m.

Wakes from a horrifyingly realistic nightmare involving a lardo- wrestling match with a nude (but clogged) Mario Batali. Runs to the bathroom and splashes cold water on face, takes two Ambien, and goes back to sleep.

6:15 a.m.

Alarm goes off and he gets up, heads to the kitchen for breakfast. Draws the shades, checks to make sure nobody is looking, and proceeds to eat two Pop-Tarts.

6:45 a.m.

Gastro-yoga session with chef Rick Bayless.

8:30 a.m.

Makes an appearance at farmers’ market, meeting and greeting farmers, vendors, and fans. Signs autographs on heirloom tomatoes.

9:00 a.m.

Checks iPhone for e-mail messages, rejects Bobby Flay’s friend request on Facebook.

9:30 a.m.

Checks into QVC studio to begin hawking “Press-to-Impress” line of self-cleaning garlic presses.

11:45 a.m.

Sends assistant out for a Big Mac, which is carried back hidden within a Whole Foods reusable shopping bag.

12:30 p.m.

Leaves QVC studio to make rounds at his restaurant, checking on menus, plating, and fondling the hostess in the walk-in refrigerator.

1:00 p.m.

Two-hour nap. Dreams again about the lardo-wrestling match with Mario Batali. Heads to see therapist.

3:30 p.m.

Behavioral therapy: Role-play with therapist involves donning orange Crocs, a false ponytail, and rubbing himself all over with lardo. He’s not sure this is getting him anywhere.

5:00 p.m.

Another round of visits to his restaurant. Takes over the grill station and overcooks three orders of rib-eye steak before the sous-chef diplomatically asks if he can take over. Makes out with the sommelier in the wine cellar.

6:30 p.m.

Dinner with major TV executive to discuss hosting potential new reality show involving celebrity chefs, cooking competitions, makeovers, dancing, and a gross-out Fear Factor element.

9:00 p.m.

Walks through the restaurant kitchen and then meets and greets with customers and VIPs. Fondles a busboy in the dessert prep area.

11:00 p.m.

Leaves the restaurant, tickling the dishwashers on the way out.

11:30 p.m.

Weighs himself. Depressed, gets into bed with a box of SnackWell’s and falls asleep to a rerun of Molto Mario on the Food Network, rekindling his recurring lardo-wrestling nightmare.

RUTH’S RULES

The world is your oyster, but only during months with letter “r.”

Close Encounters of the Celebrity Chef Kind

What happens if you encounter a celebrity chef in the wild (that is, outside of a QVC studio)? Do you immediately run up and give him or her a big hug and a wet kiss? Wink slyly while making a “pack your knives and go” gesture? Throw gang signs? Shout expletives? All of the above?

There is no definitive answer. It will depend upon the celebrity chef and his or her comfort level with public recognition and public displays of affection. For example, while Mario Batali considers it acceptable for fans to remove his Crocs and shave bottarga into his mouth, Thomas Keller prefers not to be recognized and to keep it cool.

However, there are some general rules that are advisable for fans to follow when in the presence of any celebrity chef:

When you see a celebrity chef, please do not ask him or her to talk to someone on your cell phone. Unless, that is, you have chef Ferran Adrià on the line. Celebrity chefs love that guy and can talk to him for hours.
When a celebrity chef is on book tour, make sure to keep all physical contact to a minimum, unless you are bearing foie gras. Then all bets are off.
If you go to a book signing with Nigella Lawson, try not to fall into her cleavage. You may never get out.
Bring a first-aid kit to all Paula Deen events. There’s a high probability you will be deep-fried.
Yes, celebrity chefs will sign things besides books. Spoons, cutting boards, mixers, you name it. Most won’t sign living things, except for Todd English. He will even sign your private parts.
Never try to talk to celebrity chefs in a public restroom. That’s what private restrooms are for.
When tackling large book signings, celebrity chefs try to move fast. But they will often ask the hottest men or women to come to the front of the line so that they can get them into bed at a decent hour. This means that less-attractive fans may have to wait a little longer. The chefs appreciate your patience.
Do: Rub Tom Colicchio’s head with the finest extra-virgin olive oil. Don’t: Put barrettes in his soul patch.
If you are lucky enough to hang out with a celebrity chef and smoke some tangerine zest, always pass it on the left.
If Mario Batali asks you to shave his truffles, you do it.
When it’s over, it’s over. Celebrity chefs will gladly stay until the very end of an event or book signing, but then they must leave. In most cases, they need to go and Purell their hands for a few hours after shaking so many of yours.

RUTH’S RULES

Always rub an Iron Chef with a liberal coating of oil or lard to prevent rusting.

SO YOU WANT TO BE A . . . Celebrity Chef

Becoming a celebrity chef is a special combination of raw talent, hair (or lack thereof), genetics, drive, and a pinch of saffron. Do you have what it takes to run a restaurant empire, host a television show, and generally rock out with your crock pot out?

If you answered “yes” three times or less:
You are clearly not celebrity chef material, but you could always start a food blog.
If you answered “yes” four to seven times:
Unfortunately, you won’t be a celebrity chef, but you are a perfect audience member for ABC’s The Chew.
If you answered “yes” to eight or more questions:
You have what it takes to be a celebrity chef! The Food Network will be contacting you shortly.

TREND MAPPING: A FOOD TREND’S JOURNEY

How does an ingredient, a culinary technique, a dish, or a type of restaurant become a food trend? And when does a trend turn from being fresh, novel, and exciting into something bloated, overdone, and, ultimately, despised by tastemakers? Marketing researchers have determined that the journey of a food trend typically passes through eleven basic stages:

Stage ı: Discovery
A guy takes a subway to the wrong station. As he exits, he heads above ground looking for something to eat. The immigrant neighborhood, with its unusual shops and markets and strange smells, baffles, yet intrigues. He goes into a restaurant, sits down, and asks for the specialty of the house—a traditional dish of grilled lamb’s kidneys tucked into a puff pastry wrapping, which has gone mostly unnoticed by mainstream America.
Stage 2: Broadcast
The man goes home and posts a message on Chowhound.com about this amazing dish he tasted. Chowhound members are thrilled. Eventually, an argument erupts on the forum over whether or not the restaurant he ate at really serves the most authentic version of the dish. Despite the dispute, interest in the original posting increases and the dish becomes one of the most talked about topics on the Web site.
Stage 3: Going Viral
As chatter on Chowhound grows, the restaurant becomes mobbed with visitors seeking a taste of the dish. Naturally, they report on their experiences eating the dish on Chowhound, Twitter, and blogs.
Stage 4: Gastrocolinization
Hearing about the sensation building around the dish, a well-known chef visits the restaurant and tries it himself. He decides to re-create the dish at his upscale restaurant.
Stage 5: Stamp of Authority
In a restaurant review, the New York Times lauds the chef’s version of the dish. Food & Wine magazine calls it one of the “top 10 new dishes of the year,” and Bon Appétit deems it “hot.”
Stage 6: Blowing Up
The chef launches a spin-off gourmet food truck serving up the dish as a portable, Hot Pockets–style sandwich. Before long, the dish becomes ubiquitous on New York City restaurant menus. Some of the original Chowhounders start to rail against its success and complain about its popularity.
Stage 7: Solidification
The pockets start to appear as appetizers on the menus of national chain restaurants like The Cheesecake Factory, though the basic recipe has been rewritten to use chicken breasts and American cheese. Despite losing its original fan base of die-hard gastronomes, the dish takes off worldwide and is hailed on the front page of USA Today as the next big thing.
Stage 8: The Foodie’s Lament
The chef shutters his food truck as foodies claim the dish has gone too mainstream. “So over,” proclaims the restaurant blog Eater.com.
Stage 9: Ubiquity
The food trend reaches its acme as McDonald’s starts serving the dish, now recast as bite-size McPoppers. A cookbook devoted exclusively to variations on the dish (original, vegan, Asian fusion), with a foreword by Rachael Ray, is a bestseller. You can even buy a frozen heat-and-serve version at Walmart stores.
Stage ı0: Backlash
The food community turns against the dish: The New Yorker publishes a ten thousand-word story on the evolution of the food trend, written by Adam Gopnik, including critical quotes from Michael Pollan. The Huffington Post includes the trend on its “Food Trends We Wish Would Die” list, and in a coup de grace, the Berkeley City Council passes an ordinance banning the sale of the original dish and its various permutations within its city limits.
Stage ıı: Ennui
Over the next decade, even mainstream America gets bored of McPoppers and the various competitors that have populated the fast-food universe. Demand drops precipitously, and a surplus is donated to foreign-aid groups, from which they are shipped off to feed starving children in Somalia. Finding them inedible, Somalian children use the McPoppers to play checkers and create sculptures that fetch top dollar from tourists looking for local souvenirs.

FOOD TREND FAILS

Some food trends just never take off:

Gluten Lover’s Pizza

With the growth of the gluten-free movement and more chain restaurants offering gluten-free options on their menus, some marketing analysts predicted the emergence of a backlash. Pizza Hut responds by launching its short-lived “Gluten Lover’s Pizza,” which fails miserably.

Nose II Soul

As the so-called nose-to-tail movement became more mainstream, restaurateurs and record companies teamed up to create the failed “Nose II Soul” concept: offal paired with the smooth sounds of ’80s R&B group Soul II Soul.

Gourmet School Buses

Nobody could have predicted the success of the gourmet food truck trend, but the idea of combining mobile gourmet food and the movement to improve school lunches turned out to be a dismal failure.

Smart Casual

The success of the “fast casual” chain restaurant, typified by Chipotle, has had plenty of imitators, but perhaps none as unsuccessful as the “smart casual” concept: Banana Republic’s failed run at selling tacos.

BREASTAURANTS: BOOM OR BUST?

There has been no stopping the “breastaurant” trend, the emergence of restaurants that draw crowds for waitstaff showing off their, um, “assets.” While the megachain Hooters has spawned a number of imitators, other flesh-themed dining establishments haven’t experienced the same kind of success.

Below are some concepts for restaurants that tried, but failed, to translate the enormous success of breastaurants into eateries appealing to perverts with other body-part fetishes:

Feeteries: In the late 1990s, a number of restaurants catering to foot fetishists (Toe Jamz, Hogs ’n Heels, and Footburger, to name just a few) emerged, featuring barefoot waiters. A class-action suit filed in 2002 by Toe Jamz staff who reported that they were suffering from chronic athlete’s foot destroyed the feetery industry for good.
BrASSeries: Chez Tushé, an informal New York restaurant featuring waiters and waitresses in assless chaps got high praise for serving French comfort food and a large selection of beers, but suffered from Internet chatter about problems with flatulence from the staff. After repeatedly failing municipal restaurant sanitation inspections, Chez Tushé folded. Fattush, a Middle Eastern variation on the BrASSerie theme, never took off, either.
Noodle Bars: Slurpies, a Japanese chain of failed ramen restaurants featuring male waiters wearing only crotchless underwear was successful for two years before being shut down by local health authorities.
Thighners: Gam Grill, a small chain of New Jersey eateries promoted as “the ultimate diner for the leg man” never really took off despite its large portions and large-thighed waitresses. A new owner turned the restaurants into a series of “calveterias” featuring male waiters with well-built calves strutting in high heels, but went bankrupt within just six months.
Hipperies: Fish and Hips, an attempt in Manchester, England, at taking the classic fish-and-chip joint and staffing it with wide-hipped, plus-size waitresses in crop tops and low-rise jeans was an unfortunate failure. Muffin Tops, another failed effort in this vein, was a Seattle muffin bakery featuring staff with bare midriffs and chunky midsections.

On the Importance of Being Edited

The contemporary restaurant review is not so much a simple cataloging of a meal but an art form unto itself, where the critic uses the experience of dining in a restaurant for inner exploration, artistic experimentation, name-dropping, and justifying the purchase of Roget’s Thesaurus. What may be little understood by readers of restaurant reviews, however, is that despite their flights of fancy, by the time a review reaches publication, it has actually been severely edited. Take, for example, this passage from restaurant critic Sam Sifton’s October 11, 2011, review of Thomas Keller’s Per Se in the New York Times:

Per Se’s signature starter course is Oysters and Pearls, a dish Mr. Keller developed at French Laundry and brought with him when he moved East. It combines a sabayon of pearl tapioca with Island Creek oysters (small, marble-shaped, from Duxbury, south of Boston, fantastic) and a fat clump of sturgeon caviar from Northern California. These arrive in a bowl of the finest porcelain from Limoges. Paired with a glass of golden sémillon from Elderton, they make a fine argument for the metaphor of transubstantiation.

The appetizer is not food so much as a poem about creaminess, a meditation on brine, a sculpture about the delicious. It is a complete introduction to the restaurant and its pleasures.

As over-the-top as this excerpt may sound, it was nothing compared with Sifton’s original draft before it was edited. Courtesy of the New York Times—exclusively for publication in this book—here is the original, unabridged version of the passage. Notice how tame the final version is by comparison with Sifton’s original draft:

To arrive at Per Se, that pavilion of über-gastronomy in the sky atop the Time Warner Center, is—to borrow a phrase from a great poetess who, alas, has left our shores for London—to feel once again like a virgin, touched for the very first time. The undoing of one’s innocence begins with Per Se’s signature starter course of Oysters and Pearls, a work of culinary art and extravagance that Mr. Keller developed at French Laundry and brought with him when, in a reversal of Manifest Destiny, he traveled Eastward to open Per Se.

Not only is Oysters and Pearls a sly reference to Prince’s “Diamonds and Pearls,” it’s also a culinary “Rosebud” of sorts for this highly regarded chef, who, in many ways, rivals Orson Welles in terms of the shadow he casts on gastronomy (though his actual shadow happens to be much smaller because he’s skinny). The dish is an intermingling—a veritable mélange, if you will—of a sabayon of pearl tapioca with Island Creek oysters. The tiny oysters, round and small, remind one of marbles played with by youths. They undoubtedly call to mind the small marbles a young Tommy Keller must have once played with when he was a small boy, just as Welles’s Charles Foster Kane recalls his (spoiler alert) childhood sleigh, Rosebud.

The oysters hail from the wee village of Duxbury, south of Boston, the Massachusetts capital. And, they are to die for, perchance even to drown for given the oceanic environs of an oyster’s life, if you’ll pardon the pun. They are accompanied by a fat (again, Wellesian) clump of sturgeon caviar from Northern California. The tiny fish eggs also recall Keller’s lost youth. Is he even a mammal? Let’s not dwell on that in the face of such an awe-inspiring dish. The oysters and tapioca arrive in a round depressed sort of plate one might call a bowl (if they were rubes) made of the finest porcelain, crafted by hand from the tibia bones of baby lions.

When the dish is paired with a glass of golden sémillon from Elderton, one might have a religious epiphany: transubstantiation. For a brief moment, I know not whether it was my imagination, a dream, or something entirely real, the Oysters and Pearls literally became the body of Thomas Keller. God, he was delicious! The chef died for our sins, and since that fateful night, I have taken him as my personal savior. Call me a Kellerian.

Upon further contemplation back home in Brooklyn, that Borough of Kings, I came to the realization that the dish is not food so much as a precocious youngster’s novel about creaminess, with Thomas Keller in the role of Harry Potter and Hogwarts being a culinary academy where children practice the unctuous alchemy of gastronomy. It’s also a deep meditation on brine that recalls the teachings of the Dalai Lama in his “Policy of Kindness to Bivalves.” But no. It is more than that. So multifaceted is this appetizer that to eat it is to feel as if one is standing in a museum of gastronomy viewing a sculpture about the delicious. One may quibble as to whether any human can really comprehend Per Se, but if this restaurant can be known—if it can be understood by our limited brain matter—then Oysters and Pearls is the first step on a journey of enlightenment about Thomas Keller, Per Se, and its many glorious pleasures.

DECIPHERING THE MENU

Reading a modern menu can be confusing to even the most sophisticated diner. Here’s a simple guide to understanding basic menu terminology:

“Baked”: Cooked by a stoner.

“Blackened”: The chef is an overt racist.

“Blanched”: Tastes like one of the Golden Girls.

“Broasted”: Braised and roasted? Boiled and toasted? One of the real enduring mysteries of the food world. Nobody knows what this means.

“Brined”: The chef was drunk when he created the dish.

“Butterfly”: Very rare gastrosexual position. Also known as a “reverse spatchcock.”

“Grill”™: Prepared in the manner of Bobby Flay.

“Planked”: The chef lay down on top of the fish and uploaded a photo of said pose to Facebook.

“Smashed”: In the case of “garlic-smashed potatoes,” this would mean that the potatoes and garlic had hot sex. Otherwise, see BRINED.

“Spatchcock”: To split and flatten a whole chicken using only the male genitalia as a kitchen tool. Very sensual.

HOW TO DEAL WITH WAITERS

Dealing with waiters can often be one of the most challenging components of a restaurant meal. Waiters don’t do well with typical adult communication. Sometimes they can be as adorable as puppies while other times exhibiting the “acting out” behavior of toddlers. What they need is gentle stroking (literally!). Working closely with child experts and dog trainers, I have identified a series of techniques that can improve your communication with waiters.

Make Eye Contact
Waiters have two things on their minds at all times: tips and cigarette breaks. To get their attention, you need to make strong eye contact. You may even need to verbally address your waiter with a direct phrase like, “Waiter, I need your eyes now.”
The Approach
Never approach a waiter directly. Let him or her come to you, and avoid sudden movements that might threaten the waiter.
Petting
Once you have determined that your waiter isn’t feeling threatened, gently reach out to pet him or her with your hand just under the chin. Then, you may move on to pet him gently on the side of the face. If you are a regular customer, he may roll over, indicating he wants to be petted on his tummy. Gently rub and scratch the torso (chopsticks may be used in Chinese restaurants).
Keep It Simple
Use short sentences with one-syllable words. Instead of, “Excuse me, I was wondering if you could let me know about your selection of sparkling spring waters when you have a chance?” try something simpler like, “Me want water.”
Repeat Back to Me
Sometimes, even “Me want water” is too hard for a waiter to understand. See if he can say it back to you. If not, it may be too complicated.
Give Clear Choices
Clear directions like, “Bring me the appetizer I ordered now or you’re going to get a ten percent tip” or “Send my steak back and cook it rare, or suck my ass” are effective ways of communicating what you want while also indicating the consequences of disobeying.
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat
Just like toddlers, waiters have difficulty following directions. You may need to repeat your request multiple times.
Rhyme
“The more you slip, the less I tip.” Have your waiter repeat the rhyme.
Treats
Keep a bag of treats at hand. Reward waiters for good behavior and withhold treats for poor behavior.

ETIQUETTE POINTS: THE ART OF EATING WITH OTHERS

Place Setting 101

The basic place setting may appear obvious, but there are multiple ways of approaching your dinner. To paraphrase Gertrude Stein: A fork is a fork is a fork. Not quite.

Eating for Beginners

Now that you understand the basic place setting and how utensils may be used, you may have questions about how to go about eating specific items. If you’ve ever been presented with a lobster and two spoons, you’ll know that it’s very difficult to know what exactly you should do in that scenario. Use the guide below to figure out how to handle eating various types of foods.

Some Basic Rules of Dining Manners

Condiments and Culture: Always pass the salt and pepper shakers together. It makes a subtle but powerful statement about racial integration and intermarriage.
The Art of Chivalry: When a woman leaves the table, men should stand up. This is an ancient custom that allows the men a better view of the woman’s ass as she leaves the table.
Elbow Room: Keep your elbows off the table. That way, you will be better positioned for fighting over the last dumpling, meatball, or other final morsel.
Utensil Intimacy: Kiss a utensil on a first date, but save licking for second dates.
Be Sharp: The best defense is a good offense. Always position the knife so that the sharp side is facing the waitstaff.
Be an Architect: To let your waiter know you are finished with your meal, stack your dishes. It’s proper to stack them in a manner appropriate to the cuisine: Build a Leaning Tower of Pisa in an Italian restaurant, a Great Wall of China in a Chinese restaurant, or the Death Star in one of those cheesy sci-fi-themed restaurants.
On Grooming: Grooming yourself at the table, with the exception of shaving your truffles, is never considered to be appropriate.
Cell Phones: Always place your phone on vibrate in a restaurant. Make sure to keep it in your underwear to maximize the pleasure of your meal. If you eat something particularly orgasmic, borrow someone else’s phone and give yourself a call. Don’t pick up.

Disposing of Awful Food

What do you do when you are at a dinner party and you are given something completely awful and utterly inedible? There are multiple options for extracting the undesirable morsel without making a scene:

Go Fish: Subtly attempt to take the food out of your mouth the same way it went in. For example, if you want to remove from your mouth a piece of chicken that went into your mouth on a fork, you will need to fish around in your mouth with a fork until you can find it and then remove it. This is easiest and least painful when using chopsticks. You may ask a fellow guest to help you, but only ask the person on your left.
Swallow: Close your eyes and swallow the undesirable food. Yes, grin and bear it. Try thinking about chocolate, Thomas Keller in the nude, or fresh strawberries to take your mind off the moment.
Spit: Fake a swallow and gently excuse yourself from the table while the offending bite remains lodged inside your mouth. Depending on the offensiveness of the flavor, spit the nasty bit out in the following areas of the home: in the bathroom toilet (least offensive), on the pillows in the master bedroom pillow (more offensive), in the dollhouse in the child’s bedroom (most offensive).
Hide and Seek: If possible, carefully remove the bit from your mouth with your hands and hide it under the garnish. If there is no garnish on the plate, make for a distraction and draw the guests’ attention away from the table as you toss it in the salad bowl.

RESTAURANT-SPEAK DECODED

When dining in a restaurant with an open kitchen, you get to be privy to all of the intriguing interactions between the cooks and the waitstaff, which may include yelling, screaming, and lots of ass slapping. This is a great way to learn about how restaurants work and eavesdrop on some fascinating “kitchen talk.” But what are they talking about, exactly? Kitchens have a language all their own. Here’s a brief glossary of restaurant slang:

Cross-Contamination: Sexual interlude between a waiter and one of the cooks.

Sommelier: Little bitch.

Sanitizing: Spitting in the food before it’s served.

Eighty-Six: The kitchen is out of a certain dish.

Sixty-Nine: Two appetizers served side by side and in reverse direction on the same plate.

Haldeman: Host.

Erlichman: Hostess.

In the Weeds: Behind or overwhelmed.

In the Weed: Cooking while high.

Campers: Customers who never leave their table after their meal is complete.

Backpackers: Twentysomething “campers” in Europe.

Comp: To give something away for free. Industry term for serving meals to food writers and bloggers.

Kill It: Cook until well done.

Beat It: Cook until medium.

Tickle It: Cook until rare.

Drop the Check: Take a bathroom break.

Garde-Manger: Salad boy.

Hockey Puck: Well-done hamburger.

Squash Ball: Truffle.

Rollup: Silverware rolled into a napkin. Sometimes smoked by busboys on break.

Sidework: Work performed by the front of the house staff (for example, refilling salt and pepper shakers, polishing silverware and glasses, massage with happy ending).

Waitron: Hermaphrodite server.

Money Shot: Drizzle of crème fraîche.

Walk-In: A refrigerated room for storing the chef’s cocaine supply.

Regulars: Fans of a chef who frequent his/her restaurants on a regular basis.

Irregulars: Fans of chef Guy Fieri.

Marry: Method of combining two or more bottles into a single container (e.g., ketchup or jam).

Polygamize: Distribute ketchup from one bottle into two or more containers.

CULINARY TRAVELS: “THAT’S NOT MY RISOTTO” AND OTHER LOCAL FOOD IDIOMS

As you travel the world in search of broadening your gastronomical experiences, you may come across some fascinating food-related idioms. I’ve collected a few of my favorites from my culinary journeys across the globe.

Drinking

“Snorkeling without a snorkel”: to be a serious drinker (TAHITI)

“To be like phyllo dough”: to be a lightweight drinker (GREECE)

“To put a currywurst in your ass”: to get drunk (GERMANY)

“To take a currywurst out of your ass”: to get really drunk (GERMANY)

“To wear a croissant”: to throw up (FRANCE)

“To drop the moussaka”: to throw up (GREECE)

“To spread one’s eyes with crème fraîche”: to have a hangover (FRANCE)

Cheese, Eggs, and Dairy

“Go fuck an egg”: scramble some eggs (SPAIN)

“Like poutine without the curds”: hopelessness (CANADA)

“To eat an egg-white omelet”: to marry a cardiologist (ECUADOR)

“To put skim milk in a cappuccino”: an insult (ITALY)

“Sunny-side up”: perky breasts (IRELAND)

“Over-easy”: one-night stand (BOTSWANA)

“To smell like Époisses”: to be unclean; to need a shower (FRANCE)

Meat, Poultry, and Fish

“Tastes like chicken”: an insult (PERU)

“To play with foie gras”: to be jealous (FRANCE)

“A lamb should graze in your ass”: an insult (AUSTRALIA)

“To order sausage on the side”: to have an affair (AUSTRIA)

“To ask the butcher for veggie burgers”: to ask in vain (RUSSIA)

“Has eaten little prosciutto”: is inexperienced (ITALY)

“When people ate tuna tartare”: a long time ago (AMERICA)

“Like a boneless, skinless chicken breast”: pedantic (PORTUGAL)

“Surf and turf”: bisexuality (AMERICA)

“Like a vegetarian who eats bacon”: someone without principles (CHILE)

“To leave the marrow in the bone”: to be foolish (FRANCE)

Rice, Grains, and Starches

“Is your penne al dente?”: do I turn you on? (ITALY)

“Chow fun”: boredom (CHINA)

“To be like paella without chorizo”: to miss someone (SPAIN)

“Overcooked linguine”: impotence (ITALY)

“Pho shizzle”: naturally; of course (VIETNAM)

“A falafel without tahini”: loneliness (ISRAEL)

“To be rolled in a tortilla”: to be naive (MEXICO)

“To be like a brioche without jam”: to lose one’s mind (FRANCE)

“To eat bread with butter and olive oil”: bisexuality (ITALY)

Eating and Dining Out

“Smaller than Sarkozy”: a tiny portion (FRANCE)

“To be breast-fed by Nigella Lawson”: to eat too much (ENGLAND)

“To feel like one is eating at Rachael Ray’s house”: to eat dull food (LATVIA)

“To go to McDonald’s alone”: to feel depressed (SERBIA)

“Ferran Adrià farted here”: a two-star restaurant (SPAIN)

“To eat at Denny’s with Alice Waters”: to be delusional (AMERICA)

“Hungry like Calista Flockhart”: starving (AMERICA)

“Hungry like Paul Prudhomme”: not so hungry (AMERICA)

“To have high ratings on Yelp”: Unreliability (GERMANY)

Fruits and Vegetables

“To shave one’s truffles”: to insult one’s manhood; to emasculate (ITALY)

“Overripe avocados”: blue balls (MEXICO)

“Little yuzu”: cute girl (JAPAN)

“A little fingerling”: heavy petting (PERU)

“To have as many layers as an onion”: to have many sexual partners (DENMARK)

“You’re the potato in my borscht”: to be one’s soul mate (RUSSIA)

“Putting pineapple on pizza”: an insult (ITALY)

“To have an asparagus”: to have a long penis (NORWAY)

“Go fry some frites”: go fuck yourself (BELGIUM)

“To be like lumpy hummus”: to feel tired (ISRAEL)

Sweets

“The last spoonful of Nutella”: old age (ITALY)

“To put salt on baklava”: to spoil a good time (TURKEY)

“To think one is the chocolate in a chocolate croissant”: to be self-centered (FRANCE)

“To be more than 70 percent cacao”: to be an honest person (BELGIUM)

“To be as soft as a flan”: to be out of shape (CUBA)

“To be rich with Chanukah gelt”: to be not very rich (ISRAEL)

“To ask for ‘Jimmies’ on ice cream in Texas”: to be lost or out of place (AMERICA)

“Like dos leches cake”: to be missing something (PUERTO RICO)

Condiments

“Adding a little Sriracha”: embellishing a story (VIETNAM)

“Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?”: Are you rich? (AMERICA)

“To put mayo on pastrami”: an insult (AMERICA)

“Her oil is not extra-virgin”: she is promiscuous (ITALY)

“To drizzle sesame oil on Cheerios”: to live life to the fullest (CHINA)

“Salsa fresca”: Sexually inexperienced (MEXICO)

“To whore oneself for balsamic vinegar in Modena”: to be a moral person (ITALY)

“To rub wasabi in the wound”: self-inflicted pain (JAPAN)

FOOD CUSTOMS OF THE WORLD: DOS AND DON’TS

When traveling the globe, you will encounter not only many new, sometimes strange delicacies and tastes that you have never experienced, you will also undoubtedly encounter cultures and customs of dining that are very different from what you might experience in the United States. Reading ahead to understand the rules of eating abroad is critical for the culinary traveler. To make things a little easier, follow this cheat sheet of dining dos and don’ts from around the globe.

Japan

DO use your hands, instead of chopsticks, to pick up nigiri sushi.

DON’T dip the sushi in ketchup.

Vietnam

DO raise the soup bowl to your mouth to drink the broth.

DON’T pour any of the remaining broth on the chef.

China

DO burp after a meal as a compliment to your hosts.

DON’T fart after the meal as a compliment to your hosts.

France

DO keep your hands above the table during the meal.

DON’T put your hands in your pants until after all the dishes have been cleared.

Germany

DO hold the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right hand and use the knife to push food onto the fork.

DON’T hold the spoon with your toes.

United Kingdom

DO put your fork in your mouth with the tines facing down.

DON’T eat upside down.

Greece

DO smash plates when celebrating.

DON’T smash plates on the busboy’s head.

Bangladesh

DO use your right hand for eating.

DON’T use your left hand, unless you are wearing a sequined Michael Jackson–style glove.

Serbia

DO look in the eyes of your companion when toasting a glass of wine.

DON’T try to clink the eyes of a glass-eyed Serbian.

Poland

DON’T sit at the corner of a table if you are an unmarried woman, as it is believed she will not find a husband.

DO sit at the corner of a table if you are an unmarried woman and want to play a casual game of “hide the kielbasa.”

Estonia

DO kiss a piece of bread that has been dropped on the ground before throwing it away.

DON’T use tongue, unless it’s an artisanal loaf.

Chile

DO use your right hand to pour wine.

DON’T pour the wine into your left hand.

HOW TO SURVIVE A VEGAN APOCALYPSE

As despicable and frightening as their lifestyles may be, there is a very high probability that vegans will outlive carnivores. The lives of vegans might be incredibly depressing, devoid of any real pleasure, and filled with abominable kale farts, but the unfortunate truth is that their plant-eating ways could very well prolong their life spans, leaving a very real threat to the existence of carnivorous civilization as we know it.

The Coming Vegan Apocalypse

Meatless Mondays are just the beginning. Before long, your dreadful week might be defined by Foie Gras-less Fridays, Steakless Saturdays, and even—most hellish of all, perhaps—Soyful Sundays. To prevent the dying-out of carnivores in the face of this veggie burger–eating scourge, you must prepare now for the likely possibility of a vegan apocalypse.

Planning for a vegan apocalypse is not unlike planning for the eventuality of any other natural or man-made disaster. Start your preparation by creating an emergency kit and plan (as detailed below). It’s the only way to protect your current way of life and also prevent the rise of a vegan-based society.

RUTH’S RULES

Never look a vegan in the eyes. They will trick you with their immortality and take your soul.

The “Gastro Bag”: Packing Your Emergency Kit

Cured Meats (prosciutto, pancetta, jamón, etc.)
Ammunition (Slim Jims, meatballs, and T-Bones)
Charcoal
Livestock (at least two to three pigs or one cow)
Tools and supplies (cleavers, carving knives, cheese knives, tongs)
Hygiene (wet-naps will come in handy for barbecue)
First-aid supplies (Because of their nature, vegans will not bite you, but you should be prepared for the possibility of being smothered with tofu.)

Create an Emergency Plan

1. Identify the probability of a vegan attack in your geographic area: Do you live near a Whole Foods? What is the availability of kombucha in your neighborhood? Does a majority of the local population know what “green juice” is?

2. Choose a meeting place for your family in the event of a vegan apocalypse: Select a location where you will regroup when vegans have taken over your town. Barbecue joints, butcher shops, and Brazilian riodizio restaurants (all-you-can-eat grilled-meat eateries) are all good options. Avoid any cafés that serve soy lattes.

3. Make a list of emergency contacts: Police, fire department, cheese shops, propane-gas suppliers, and delicatessens are a must.

4. Create an evacuation plan: After initially regrouping with your family, you will need to evacuate to a permanent CSZ (carnivore safe zone) with your loved ones. Research in advance the safest, most direct route to CSZs that have been established in locations such as Memphis, Tennessee, and Buenos Aires, Argentina, among others.