Comfort Me with Offal

“A Zest for Life”

May 1999
NEW YORK, New York

“Have you ever smoked mozzarella?” Mario asked, eyes twinkling as he cocked his head to the side.

“Never,” I told him. I’d eaten smoked mozzarella, but never made it myself.

“Well, then, you’ve got to try it,” he declared. “Come in the kitchen.”

So, I followed Mario over from the dining room to Babbo’s kitchen and into the walk-in, where he pulled out a tray full of beautiful white, glistening braids of mozzarella. He grabbed two of them and a paring knife, and I followed him back into the dining room.

“Now what?” I asked him, as he pulled out a massive bong.

“Now we smoke,” he said.

“You can’t be serious,” I replied. “I thought you meant we were going to smoke the mozzarella, not ‘smoke the mozzarella.’ ”

“Come on, Ruth,” he balked. “You’re telling me you’ve never been gastrostoned?!”

“Well, I’ve never smoked mozzarella.”

“Well, then. Let’s do this!”

Mario cut some slices of mozzarella, packed them into the chamber, added some Italian sparkling water, and lit the bong with a flaming branch of rosemary. He inhaled deeply, held his breath, and then passed the bong to me. As he closed his eyes in a lactic stupor, I took a deep hit.

I had never been stoned on mozzarella before, but it was incredible. The flavor was milky, barely tangy, with a hint of rosemary. But, the high was even better. I closed my eyes and had the most vivid culinary hallucination of Jacques Pépin folded inside a giant omelet.

I couldn’t believe the sensation. When I opened my eyes, Mario slowly nodded his head, as if to say, “Isn’t this the shit?”

It was.

“Now you’re ready for the big leagues, my friend,” said Mario, as he grabbed a bunch of tangerines and started juggling them. “Hand me that Microplane.”

I gave him the Microplane, and he zested the tangerine rind into a small bowl, being careful not to remove any of the white pith. “You don’t want the pith,” he explained. “Too harsh.”

Then, he pulled off one of his trademark orange Crocs and gave it to me. “Take a whiff,” he said.

Oh, Jesus, I thought to myself. But I went ahead and raised the clog to my nose. It was a heady, intoxicating blend of cured meats, basil, bottarga, and toe jam. “Hey, give it back!” he yelled. “Don’t hog it, dudette! You’re worse than Gwyneth.”

I handed the clog back to Mario. He buried his nose in it and snorted, then coughed up a chunk of Parmigiano and put the clog down on his lap. “Oops. Sorry about that. Intense stuff!”

He proceeded to pour the zest into the clog, tamp it down with his fat thumbs, and light it with another burning rosemary branch. He showed me how to press my lips up against the holes in the Crocs and inhale. “That’s why they have holes,” he explained.

At first, everything went dark, and I felt very heavy all of a sudden. Then, the tangerine-zest high washed over me like a giant wave. I closed my eyes and experienced hallucinations of nude chefs chopping giant shallots, pigs (real ones!) in blankets, a baby swaddled in pancetta, and a giant field studded with lobster legs. It was powerful, frightening, gastronomic, and totally fantastic. It was stronger than cocaine and more hallucinogenic than LSD. I was gone. And I was hopelessly hooked.

FOOD ı0ı: INTRODUCTION TO CULINARY ANATOMY

We begin this chapter by exploring the basic anatomy that underlies all gastronomy. When we place a piece of food in the mouth, how does the body digest it? How do we taste it? While the brain plays a key role in how we interpret food, all of our senses, including even the gonads, play a crucial role in tasting everything from the most complex foie gras pâté to a chicken nugget dipped in ketchup. To best understand gastronomy and the power of taste, a basic primer in culinary anatomy is mandatory.

The Mouth: The Gateway to Gastronomy

The mouth is arguably the body’s most important orifice. This is not to argue with the importance of the vagina or even the anus, each of which has its distinct benefits, but neither is nearly as effective for consuming food (except, perhaps, vagina dentata, but that’s for another book). The mouth, in all of its glory, is our primary concern here.

Think of the mouth as the gateway to gastronomy. It’s the ultimate starting point on a journey of culinary discovery. The illustration below details all of its most critical parts, from the FORWARD BUMPER to the CRUMB CATCHER, more commonly known by the slang term “lips,” not to mention UPPER UMAMI (one of the culinary world’s trendiest new neighborhoods).

The Body: The Whole Beast

Now let’s take a look at the whole beast—nose to tail, if you will. Essentially, the human body is not much more than a fleshy doughnut, with a mess of tissues, organs, and bones surrounding a hole for the entry of food, its digestion, and its final, sometimes painful exit (shell-on shrimp, anyone?).

Also known informally as the “eyes,” the OCULARTENSILS help humans to navigate the physical world. But more important, with plenty of practice and expert training, gastronomes can learn the advanced culinary art of “eating with the eyes.” Just be very careful with sea urchin and lobsters.

PORTABLE PASTA RACKS, also known as “ears,” make for great drying racks for homemade tagliatelle while on the go. The AROMA SENSOR is designed specifically for smelling foods, enjoying aromas, and detecting who it was that brought a smelly Big Mac into the movie theater.

The mouth, also known as the GATEWAY TO GASTRONOMY, is where it all happens, gastronomically speaking. For a detailed anatomy of this crucial entry point to the body, see “The Mouth: The Gateway to Gastronomy”.

Also known in some quarters as “chins,” the BAR REST evolved specifically for resting the head on top of a bar when sleepy or passed out from intoxication.

The INSULATOR can keep food and drink warm or cold as needed as it descends down the TUNNEL OF LOVE.

The HALF-RACK is a good-size portion of ribs wrapped in a delicious layer of milky white fat. The NIGELLAS similarly contain a portion of ribs and fat, but tend to distract the male’s OCULARTENSILS away from their primary gastronomical function.

Also known as nipples, the PALATE CLEANSERS or the AMUSE-BOUCHES may be served as either as a small appetizer or topped with whipped cream for a light dessert.

Here, food departs the TUNNEL OF LOVE and enters the CUISINORGAN, where it is processed by the human body before entering the AMSTERDAM CANAL and VENICE CANAL.

What was once known as food finally departs the body as a warm, stinking mass (not dissimilar from an entree at Applebee’s) through the HALL OF SHAME.

Evolution: The Rise of Homo gastronomus

“Food is culture,” it is often said. And yet, in many ways, gastronomy is ultimately biology. Over many, many years, the human body has evolved specific functions that mirror the evolution of cuisine. Modern human beings have become so accustomed to the way the body behaves with respect to gastronomy that many of us have taken for granted how efficiently and effectively it works to promote epicureanism, from eating to cooking and everything in between.

Here are just a few examples of how evolution has served the development of modern (gastronomical) man, scientifically described by anthropologists as Homo gastronomus:

CANINE TEETH: Contrary to earlier research, new studies in dental science reveal that these pointed corner teeth evolved specifically to tear open the vacuum-sealed plastic bags used for sous-vide.
VOMITAL NODES: Hidden in the spleen, these tiny nodes can detect the presence of Tofurkey and other faux meats and cause a vomit reflex as a physical reaction to ward off ingesting such unsavory foods.
BACONOMES: The act of eating bacon releases these unique hormones that put the body into a state of total euphoria.
SRIRACHA SENSORS: While early man could not stand the heat of spicy foods, modern man developed these peculiar sensors in the lower jaw that actually lower body temperature by as much as 5 percent in the presence of Sriracha and other hot sauces.
SLURP MUSCLES: These small yet powerful muscles lining the jaw have evolved specifically to produce the proper level of suction required for slurping noodles from a hot bowl of Japanese ramen.
KELLER’S LIGAMENT: Named after chef Thomas Keller and his in-demand restaurants Per Se and The French Laundry, this crucial ligament in the shoulder makes it possible for the modern human to hold a telephone in the crook of their neck without feeling any pain while spending hours waiting on restaurant reservation phone lines.
ROCCO’S CORTEX: Brain scientists have discovered a small section of the brain that has evolved to suppress feelings of hostility, anger, depression, and utter disbelief over the career trajectory of celebrity chef Rocco DiSpirito.
“NUTELLA THINK”: Just as early man evolved to create and use tools, cultural anthropologists have identified what they term “Nutella think” in modern man: the modern brain’s imaginative capacity for identifying things to put Nutella on, from apples to bread to crackers to used cars.
CHOPSTICK TENDONS: Scientists only recently identified these tendons in the hands that play a key role in modern man’s unique ability to hold chopsticks, particularly when raising toro sashimi from plate to mouth.
DRINKY BONES: Humans evolved a skeletal system (unique among all vertebrates) that provides for excellent balance, support, and stability while consuming large amounts of alcohol while standing up.
CACAO ZONES: Recent studies have discovered these highly sensitive zones on the surface of the body—anatomically similar to erogenous zones—that can lead to chocolate orgasms.

CULINARY CODE: A GUIDE TO FOOD ACRONYMS

Whether you are conversing with a friend on instant messenger while searching for recipes online, texting from your smartphone while cooking, or tweeting from your favorite restaurant, you need to know how to communicate quickly and succinctly. In-the-know, technologically-savvy gastronomes use these acronyms to convey key culinary information using the latest technology.

CULINARY VESTIGES OF EARLY MAN

Despite evolution’s capacity for remaking and refashioning man depending upon natural selection, there remain many curious vestiges of his former self. Scientists have cataloged hundreds of biological oddities in modern humans that can be traced to earlier times in man’s history. Most of these body parts no longer play a role in human gastronomy, and yet they are fascinating to explore. Here are just a few:

Flat Molars
These molars, which feature a completely smooth surface, are believed to date back to the 1950s, when man subsisted mainly on soft foods such as tuna casserole, tapioca pudding, and gelatin salads.

Draper’s Fold
Named for legendary 1960s advertising man and alcoholic Don Draper, a tiny fold in the liver makes the body and brain otherwise immune to the effects of drinking multiple cocktails at lunch.

Tartare Glands
The science of carbon dating assigns the origin of these unique glands to the early 1980s, when humans subsisted almost entirely on tuna tartare. The glands secrete enzymes that transform tuna tartare into a vitamin-rich superfood.

EXERCISING YOUR PALATE: FIVE SIMPLE TECHNIQUES TO BULK UP YOUR TASTE BUDS

Gluttony isn’t easy. Like ballet, drawing, or learning the piano, it takes lots of hard work and practice. While there are no shortcuts in the world of food, here are five ways to rapidly ramp up your palate.

1. The Cleanse: If you’ve been eating a lot of processed food, meals at chain restaurants, and recipes created by Food Network personalities, you will need to perform a cleanse of your palate. Over a three-day period, give a shock to your mouth by replacing your toothpaste with a series of edible pastes and mouthwashes:

Day 1: Brush with anchovy paste, gargle with Meyer lemon juice, and floss with thinly sliced leeks.

Day 2: Brush with tomato paste, gargle with balsamic vinegar, and floss with angel hair pasta.

Day 3: Brush with Nutella, gargle with raw milk, and floss with Tahitian vanilla beans.

2. Weight Training: Practice using your tongue to lift progressively heavier bite-size pieces of cured meats and aged cheeses into your mouth. Do as many reps as you can until you feel full.

3. Strengthen Your Core: Practice this exercise three times per day. While sitting at a table with a (filled) eight-ounce glass in front of you, grab the glass with your right hand and throw your head back until your chin is parallel to the floor and rapidly pour the contents of the glass directly down your throat. Start first with beer, then wine, and then grappa, gradually working your way up to drinks with higher and higher levels of alcohol.

4. Taste-Bud Aeration: If you’ve ever aerated your lawn to promote better grass growth, this technique will be very familiar to you. Stick out your tongue and, using a small fork (a salad fork will do), stab your tongue all over to stimulate taste-bud development. Rub with lime and sprinkle with an organic fertilizer.

5. Food Porn: Training your mind is equally as important as training your body. While being careful not to become a food-porn addict, spend at least one hour per day looking at glossy food magazines, food Web sites, and food television. To avoid compromising your palate, avoid the poorly lit, unpalatable photos of dishes appearing on Yelp and some food blogs.

SO YOU WANT TO BE A . . . Food Memoirist

Food memoirs (also known as “foodoirs”) are big bestsellers these days. Can you turn your personal history into a culinary biography, weaving together relationships and recipes into a seamless narrative?

If you answered “yes” three times or fewer:
You are not quite ready to write a food memoir, but there’s always Twitter.
If you answered “yes” four to seven times:
Congratulations, you are qualified to create your own food blog!
If you answered “yes” to eight or more questions:
You have exactly what it takes to be a food memoirist! With any luck, your book could become a feature film and you could sell the rights to your story to a cable television channel.

RUTH’S RULES FOR A HEALTHY DIET

Limit your snacks to unprocessed plant foods. Next, come up with a new name for “snacks.”
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Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper, but snack like a marauding Visigoth.
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Don’t eat until you’re full. Leave room to drink until you’re bloated.

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Eat all the junk food you want as long as Michael Pollan is not looking.

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Serve a proper portion and don’t go back for seconds. Skip ahead to thirds.

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Don’t eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food. Unless, of course, she couldn’t see very well.

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To control portion size, buy smaller plates and glasses. Then, set the table with at least two plates and two glasses per person.

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Eat when you are hungry, not when you are bored. On the other hand, drinking when you’re bored is perfectly fine. Hic.

MIND, BODY, PALATE: GASTRO-YOGA WITH RICK BAYLESS

Chef, restaurateur, author, and TV personality Rick Bayless exemplifies the perfect unification of celebrity chefdom and optimal physical prowess. An avid practitioner of yoga, he is one of the few respected celebrity chefs who is not only recognized as a leading culinary authority on Mexican cuisine, but can also boast an amazingly strong “core” (you should really see his abs).

Rick has kindly shared some of his favorite gastro-yoga positions, which are diagrammed below. Grab a partner and follow these instructions to hone your mind—body—palate connection:

1. The Taco
Lie on the floor on your back, side to side with a partner. Both partners should carefully push up with their outside arms and bend their outside legs at the knees to form a unified, cupped shape akin to a taco. Add filling of choice (e.g., roast pork, chicken, or steak), along with chopped onions, cilantro, and a squeeze of lime. Breathe and hold for four to six breaths.

2. The Huitlacoche
While your partner stands erect, arms raised high to mimic a corn cob, grab him around the neck with both arms and pull yourself up, knees up tight to your chest, to mimic huitlacoche (fungus) forming on a corn husk. Breathe and hold for two to four breaths.

3. The Burrito
Spread out a blanket on the floor. Lie on top of your partner, face- to-face. Add beans, rice, and shredded cheese. Grabbing one corner of the blanket, roll until you are completely enveloped by the blanket. Hold the position for four to six breaths.

4. The Quesadilla
Three people are required to complete this advanced yoga pose. Draw straws to determine who will be the “cheese” (the other two will be the “tortillas”). The first partner should lie down on the ground, faceup, arms and legs spread wide. The second partner should lie down on top of him, facedown, arms and legs spread wide. The third partner should lie facedown on top of the “cheese,” legs and arms spread wide. Salsa and guacamole are optional. Hold the position for two to four breaths.

THE JOY OF COOKING: A CULINARY KAMA SUTRA

Writer Michael Ruhlman, the noted author of The Making of a Chef and Ratio and coauthor of The French Laundry Cookbook, is widely regarded as one of the food world’s leading exponents of food porn. He has written particularly eloquently about the art and pleasure of lovemaking while cooking:

In my prekid days, I lived with my wife in a shaded little bungalow in Palm Beach, Fla. The evenings were balmy, and I thought nothing of getting dinner rolling, then coaxing my wife into a little preprandial fling. What better way could there have been to pass the time while the charcoal turned to burger-searing embers? There was no better appetizer, and the meal afterward was remarkably satisfying.

Ruhlman is such a gastrosensualist that he even created a recipe for roast chicken that explicitly calls for having sex with your spouse after you’ve put it in the oven (no pun intended). “Cooking—and having sex for fun—is what makes us human,” writes Ruhlman. “To deny ourselves either diminishes the creatures that we are, and to practice both with greater frequency and competency deepens our humanity, which leads to a more fulfilling life. All good things. Roast chicken and sex: They’re good for you!”

Ruhlman should be applauded for his thoughtful consideration of the possibilities for sex while cooking, but roast chicken is really just the “tip” of the iceberg (pun intended). Why limit your gastrosex life to just one dish when there are myriad opportunities to get yourself off while cooking? Once you start thinking about it, there’s a shocking amount of downtime in the kitchen that can be exploited for sexual gratification. But before you get too excited, do note that it’s not going to be possible to incorporate sex into every recipe. For example, don’t even try anything sexual while making risotto; there’s simply too much stirring involved.

Refer to this handy chart for some basic rules to follow to get more sex into your life while cooking:

Sexy Food Talk: Some Culinary Pickup Lines

Let’s face it: Restaurants, food shops, and markets present tremendous opportunities for the mingling of the sexes. While you’re at the butcher checking out rib eyes, a lovely young lady or a handsome young man may catch your eye. Attraction can be elusive, but if you’re prepared with an appropriate pickup line, you might just find your match. Try these epicurean lines, which pair beautifully with their gastronomic environs.

Beyond Aphrodisiacs: Getting Freaky with Food

There is a great deal of literature devoted to the aphrodisiac potential of various foods, but the actual evidence that any food can actually have an effect on sexual interactions between two persons is quite limited and mostly unconvincing. To date, the only detailed study of the relationship between food and sex revealed a causal link between bananas and intercourse. Apparently, there are many documented cases of nude couples accidentally slipping on banana peels and falling into various coital positions. However, those are really just accidents, not proof of a food’s intrinsic properties as an aphrodisiac.

But what about sex with food? This may be uncharted territory for some, but there are actually plenty of fruits, vegetables, seafood, and meats ripe for your sexual gratification. And we’re not talking just the usual carrots, cucumbers, parsnips, and overripe melons. Here are a few of the most sensual foods you may not have had the pleasure of experiencing:

1. Coco de Mer: Also known as the Kim Kardashian of the plant world, this massive seed of the fruit of the Coco de Mer palm tree, native to the Seychelles, happens to be shaped like large, protruding woman’s buttocks.

2. Geoduck Clam: The “Long Dong Silver” of bivalves, the geoduck clam is famed for its unique appearance and texture and is a notable ingredient in Asian cuisine. Its long, trunklike body can protrude twelve inches or more from the shell. A word of advice if you are to attempt sex with a geoduck clam: A visit to a urologist first to obtain a prescription for Viagra is highly recommended.

3. Asparagus: Asparagus was considered to be such a phallic symbol that it was banned from girls’ schools in the nineteenth century. And, for good reason: It’s long, lovely, and naturally ribbed for her pleasure. If you are married or in a relationship, be very careful of your liaisons with this vegetable, because your spouse or partner may detect the tell- tale smell of asparagus in your urine.

4. Liver: Is there a more erotic piece of prose than Nobel Prize–winning author Philip Roth’s description of an interlude between a young boy and his family’s dinner in his novel Portnoy’s Complaint? A soft, slippery engorged liver, filled with blood, is the perfect erotic companion on a lonely night in a butcher shop.

THE ART OF GETTING GASTROSTONED

Controlled substances and cooking go together like pasta and Parmigiano-Reggiano (especially when you use a piece of ziti to snort some freshly grated cheese off the back of your Italian dealer, but I’m getting ahead of myself). Nevertheless, pairing drugs and food can be a dangerous game. The risks of bringing drugs into the kitchen can potentially be lethal. After all, how many pastry chefs have gone up in flame caramelizing crème brûlées while high on crack cut with Muscovado sugar?

Drugs have a long and storied history of being an important source of inspiration to the culinary artistry of many professional chefs. Dubbed “haute stoner cuisine” by New York Times reporter Kim Severson, this is food that is not only born from the mind-altered state of a totally wasted chef, but equally appeals to anyone with a palate and a case of marijuana-induced munchies.

But before you jump headlong into the wonderful world of combining illicit drugs and gastronomy, bear in mind that there is a right and a wrong way to proceed. Consider these basic rules for the beginning gastrostoner:

1 DO use cocaine to increase your speed when beating egg whites to stiff peaks.

2. DON’T freebase near a grass grill.

3. While waiting for bread to rise, inject yourself with horse tranquilizer.

4. Choose your drug and food pairings wisely. For example, pair Thai sticks with pad thai, hashish with corned-beef hash, and opiates with poppy-seed bagels.

5. To avoid cross-contamination, store your herb separately from your herbs.

6. When serving cocaine at a formal dinner, always place the coke spoon to the outside of the soupspoon.

7. When serving meats paired with methamphetamines, cut the meat into bite-size portions and be sure to remove all knives from the table.

8. When stoned, always shop the middle aisles of the supermarket to find highly processed snack foods that are high in salt, fat, and HFCS.

9. Drink the bong water.

GASTROSEX INTERNATIONAL: FOODGASMS AROUND THE WORLD

Once you have begun to explore your culinary sexuality, there’s no stopping. Broaden your horizons and travel to these locales to sample their unique gastrosexual traditions. You won’t be disappointed.

Regional

Barbecuekakke (Memphis)

Hot Doggy—Style (New York)

Deep Dishing (Chicago)

Mission-Style Burrito Position (San Francisco)

International

Quesadillingus (Mexico)

Phollatio (Vietnam)

Bulgogasm (South Korea)

Foieplay (France)

Amuse-Tush (Belgium)

Teabagging (United Kingdom)

ON PARENTING: RAISING A GASTRONOME

Adult gastronomy and all that it entails (the orgies of pork belly, tangerine-zest hangovers, and espresso highs) is strongly rooted in a rigorous epicurean upbringing. Forget chicken fingers, because when it comes to kids’ appetites, they actually have a natural, untapped hunger for escargots, foie gras, and lardo. Your job, as a parent, is to tune out the marketing messages of the commercial food industry and encourage your child’s innate cravings for the good stuff.

Infants

The introduction of the first solid foods is a crucial stage in your baby’s gastronomic development. During the first six months of life outside of the womb, a baby’s needs can be met entirely by breast milk. However, after the age of six months, the baby may begin to show signs that she is ready for solid foods. These behaviors may or may not include:

Wanting to put things in her mouth.
Interest in foods eaten by others.
Subscriptions to food magazines.
Starting a food blog.
Ability to suck small amounts of marrow from a roasted bone.

When the baby has exhibited some or all of these telltale signs, you can begin to introduce solid foods. It’s wise to gradually introduce new foods, one at a time, in the following order:

1. Cookies: The baby has solely been drinking milk for six months. That’s a very long time to just drink milk without any access to cookies. Start by introducing chocolate-chip cookies, a natural with breast milk, before working your way up to more sophisticated shortbreads. At this young age, when the baby’s motor skills are still developing, avoid biscotti or any other cookies that require dunking.

2. Pâtés: Soft purees like liver pâté are a great way to encourage early development of the baby’s palate. Start with chopped liver from your local Jewish deli before working your way up to pâté de foie gras.

3. Cereals: Cereals are very common first foods for a baby, especially when getting high with a newborn. Start with a crowd pleaser like Cap’n Crunch or Cocoa Puffs. At all costs, you must avoid rice cereal, which tastes like warmed-over wet cardboard.

4. Fruits and vegetables: Optional.

Toddlers

Toddlers are notoriously picky eaters. However, recent research suggests that their disdain for anything “green” on their plate could be a natural defense against veganism (a reaction that should be strongly encouraged by parents). Here are five strategies to improve toddlers’ eating habits and encourage their young palates:

1. Family Meals: Family meals are a soul-destroying ritual that should be abandoned by parents. Kids who take part in regular family meals endure horrendous arguments, painfully bland conversations, and incredibly mediocre food. Instead, encourage toddlers to dine out on their own. Epicurean parenting means setting up your toddler with her own credit card and teaching her how to make a reservation at trendy restaurants. While she’s at it, she’ll also learn some important life skills like how to use the phone and maintain her own calendar.

2. Variety: Serve a variety of foods. Too many kids subsist on plain old macaroni and cheese. At the very least, change up the usual by adding some shaved truffles, or, better yet, rich nuggets of lobster meat.

3. Be a Role Model: Teach your children by being a good example to them. Be aware of how your behavior can profoundly influence your child:

Never drink light beer or wine coolers in front of a child. It will scar them for life.
Always order your steak rare.
Eat a proper portion size (as a general rule, a 3:1 ratio to the portion Michael Pollan would eat).

4. Avoid Battles: Don’t fight battles with your children over food. Sometimes, you have to simply go all out and declare war. As a disciplinary measure, you may ultimately be forced to resort to the nuclear option: serving them Tofutti instead of real ice cream.

5. Get Kids Involved: Get your children involved in the kitchen. No child is too young to start washing dishes or sharpening knives. By age three, it’s perfectly appropriate to teach them how to butcher a whole animal. Start with a chicken and work your way up to a whole hog.

Teens

The teenage years are a time of major change. As teens enter adolescence, they begin to make more of their own food choices. However, as teenagers become young adults, parents can still play an important role in guiding their culinary development:

1. Calcium Intake: Calcium is critical to bone development, particularly for teenage girls, so it’s important to make sure that teens get an adequate amount of calcium in their diets. It’s also a great way to forestall any experimentation with veganism. Keep your kid hooked on milk, yogurt, and cheese so that they don’t give up dairy products, at least while they’re living under your roof. There’s not much you can do once they leave for college, where veganism can be rampant.

2. Increase the Iron: Girls, in particular, need more iron during their teen years. Consider this your “license to grill”: adolescent girls should eat at least two to three steaks per day, preferably washed down with a cow’s blood smoothie.

3. Talk to Your Teen: Your teen’s body is going through many changes. Your child may begin to explore his or her sexuality. They may have questions for you like, “Can you get pregnant from eating whale sperm?” Or they may begin to have fears like, “I think I might have spotted dick. What do I do?” Talk to them about the changes they are experiencing and empower them with information and knowledge. This way, they’ll feel prepared when they have their first experience with chocolate that is orgasmic.

A BASIC GUIDE TO PORTION SIZE

How do you know that you’re eating a reasonable amount of food? Bull testicles come in pairs, so that’s an obvious portion size. But it’s not always so easy to know how much is appropriate to eat when it comes to other foods. If you really want to watch your diet (if you’re into weird stuff like that), it’s important to get a handle on portion size. Use the following guide to help visualize appropriate sizes for the foods you eat.

1. Nuts
A small handful is a good portion size for nuts, so long as elephant testicles aren’t on the menu.

2. Fish
A proper portion of fish is about the size of a checkbook. Use one of those Publishers Clearing House checks as a standard measure.

3. Meat
The palm of the hand is a good rule of thumb for a correct portion size for meat, provided you use Hulk hands as a baseline.

4. Ice Cream
A half-cup of ice cream equals the size of a lightbulb. A good portion size is the number of bulbs it takes to illuminate a night game at Yankee Stadium.

5. Butter
One teaspoon of butter is about the size of a Scrabble tile. Limit your portions to words like “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” Go for a triple-word score to increase your portion size.

6. Cake
One slice of cake is about the size of a deck of cards. But remember, Jokers are wild. Draw one and you can eat the whole damn cake.

7. Cheese
One ounce of cheese is about the size of four dice. Roll four sixes and you can eat an entire wheel of triple crème Brillat-Savarin.

8. Chocolate
If one ounce of chocolate equals one package of dental floss, eat the amount of chocolate equivalent to the number of packs of floss it would take to clean the teeth of a Tyrannosaurus rex.

9. Pancake
If a single pancake is about the size of a DVD, a proper portion size is equal to the number of DVDs you will find in the boxed set of the complete collection of James Bond films.