“How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Hedonistic Fruit Bombs”

 

June 1982

SONOMA, California

 

“Would you like to see my fruit bomb?” he asked, which was weird since we’d only just met.

“Um, I guess so,” I responded, suddenly noticing the tremendous bulge in his tight jeans.

And then, right in the middle of the vineyard—I couldn’t believe what was happening— he unbuckled his belt, unzipped his pants, reached down, and pulled it out. Yikes! It was big, dark, and shiny, and it glistened in the sun. I don’t think I’d ever seen one that big before.

“So, what do you think?” he said, pointing proudly at his prized possession. “A hundred points, I’d say!”

“Frankly, I have to tell you that I’m a little freaked out by the size of that thing,” I confessed. “In all my years, I’ve just never seen one that massive.”

“It’s a bottle of wine called a jeroboam,” he boasted. “Four and a half fucking liters, baby!”

“That’s a lot of alcohol,” I said.

“Fuck yeah! Total hedonism!” he boomed. “In fact, this thing is fifteen percent alcohol! That’s how I roll!”

I went back to my car to grab a couple of wineglasses, but when I got back he yanked them out of my hands and tossed them into the vineyard.

“We don’t need no stinking glasses!” he bellowed as they smashed against the ground.

The next thing I knew, he took me in his arms, laid me down in the narrow space between two rows of vines, caressed my chin, and tipped the massive bottle of wine into my mouth. And that was my last memory of the night I spent with the famous wine critic Robert Parker.

 

HOW TO TASTE A GLASS OF WINE

Tasting a glass of wine can be daunting to the uninitiated. If you’ve only used a sippy cup, brace yourself for a complex, challenging, but ultimately intoxicating (literally!) ride. Once you get the hang of tasting wine you will soon become a pro. Just follow this three-step process and, before you know it, you can call yourself a real connoisseur (though you might find it hard to say “connoisseur” without slurring).

• LOOK: Pour a glass of wine into the appropriate wineglass. Depending on the wine and your mood, you may want to choose a smaller glass suitable for white wines, a larger glass for rosés, or a leftover Big Gulp container for heavy-bodied red wines.
• OVERALL IMPRESSION: Without leering, check it out. Don’t gawk, but don’t be too shy, either. Is it cute, hot, sexy, demure? Is it nasty, skeezy, boring? Would you take it on a date? Would you introduce it to your mom? Is this a “relationship wine” or more of a “one-night- stand wine”? Maybe you could just be friends. Or maybe there’s the possibility of “friends with benefits.”
• COLOR: What color is it? If it’s a red wine, would you say it’s the color of a just-bludgeoned mafia don? Or perhaps it has the brownish hues of a soiled diaper. If it’s a white wine, would you say it is a pale yellow, like pee after drinking two six-packs of lager, or more of a light-green asparagus pee?
• LEGS: Swirling the wine leaves behind streaks on the inside of the glass known as the wine’s “legs,” which some feel is an indicator of wine quality. After swirling, it’s typical to comment on how the legs look. Here are some examples from some of the world’s most highly regarded wine critics:

> “Great gams!”

> “Haven’t seen legs this great since Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’ video.”

> “This cabernet is amazing: She’s got legs, and she knows how to use them.”

• SMELL: This is one of the most important stages of tasting wine. Carefully follow these four steps:

1. Nads: Not to be confused with “legs” (see here), the nads are typically only fondled during tasting very heavy-bodied, high- testosterone red wines. Rub the glass at the spot where the base of the “bowl” meets the stem of the glass. Do this rhythmically and rapidly for a few minutes while coaxing the wine along with supportive phrases like, “this feels so good” or “you’re almost there.” This will gradually raise the temperature of the wine until reaching an aromatic explosion. After the wine reaches climax, smoke a cigarette.
2. Snorting: Resting your nose directly on the rim, snort deeply and loudly. Be careful to avoid getting any wine in your brain, however. What do you smell? Do you smell oak, fruit, a homeless man’s socks? How about vanilla, citrus, or car exhaust? Are there notes of leather or do you smell vinyl? Do you smell coffee tones? Be specific: Decaf half-cap or hazelnut Frappuccino?
3. Total Immersion: Now pour more wine into the glass until it reaches the rim. Carefully immerse your nose completely in the wine. How does it feel? Can your nose do the backstroke? Can it float unassisted? Now exhale through your nose. Does it make bubbles? Isn’t that cool? Show your mom how cool it is.
4. Nasal Irrigation: also known as wine douching. Pour the wine into a neti pot and insert the spout into one nostril at a time, flushing the wine through your nasal passages and letting it drain out of the other nostril. Save the spent wine for the sommelier. Did it clear up your congestion? Wine douching is highly recommended during the spring allergy season.

TASTE: Congratulations! You got through the smell test with flying colors! You’ve arrived at my favorite portion of the tasting: the drinking phase. Follow these three crucial steps and bottoms up!

1. The Attack Phase: Get in a “wine stance” with both feet planted on the ground, chest forward, knees slightly bent, and arms astride. Without warning, lunge at the wineglass, grabbing it by the stem firmly with your right hand and covering the top with your left palm so no wine escapes and then pin the glass to the floor. The attack is composed of four variables: tannin levels, acidity, residual sugar, and will-it-fuck-you-up-edness. This can be a very physical struggle to ascertain these characteristics, so be prepared to do whatever it takes: roundhouse kicks, sucker punches, lying, crying, scratching, and clawing. Waterboarding may be necessary for the boldest varietals.

2. The Evolution Phase: Following the attack phase, the wine should completely submit to your authority. The good news is after all the other nonsense that came before, you are finally going to actually drink the wine. Also known as the mid palate or middle range of a wine tasting, this phase helps you assess the wine’s taste. If it’s a red wine you may start noting fruit: berry, plum, prune, or Jujubes. Maybe you taste spice: pepper, clove, cinnamon, or tomatillo salsa. Is there a woody flavor like oak, cedar, or back porch? If you’re tasting a white wine, you might taste apple, honey, citrus, or urinal. There might be a hint of earthiness, or maybe you taste Uranus. If so, spit it out in the sommelier’s hand.

3. The Finish: not to be confused with the “money shot,” which is professional lingo specific to champagne tastings when the sommelier sprays bubbly on the taster’s chest. Rather, the finish is the final phase of tasting a glass of wine. How long does the flavor impression last after it’s swallowed? Do you regret not putting a condom on the wineglass? Did you achieve winegasm? Were there multiple winegasms? Was it light bodied (like the consistency of water), medium bodied (think milk), or full bodied (the consistency of Oprah)? Is there an aftertaste? Do you want another sip? Would you stay the night, or do you feel like you should get dressed and go home? On the other hand, if you really liked the wine but the wine didn’t call you the next day, would you stay in bed and cry?

RUTH’S RULES

It is perfectly fine to drink wine with cork taint so long as it smells better than your own taint.

 

AN INTRODUCTION TO WINE-SPEAK

When traveling to a foreign country, you always prepare for encountering people who speak another language. Whether that means taking a language class or picking up a phrasebook, you need to be ready to speak a language that is not your own. The same goes for the world of wine. Oenophiles speak a highly obscure language called wine-speak, which includes its own unique grammar, syntax, and vocabulary.

 

The Tasting Note: A Dissection

Here’s a typical tasting note, an example of wine-speak as used by wine critic James Molesworth to describe Laurent Fayolle Hermitage White Les Dionnières 2009 for Wine Spectator. Notice the overuse of adjectives, wordy phrasing, racial fantasies, and hints of the critic’s morbid curiosities:

 

WINE WORDS: A CHEAT SHEET

In order to read tasting notes and even create your own, you need to learn wine vocabulary. Unfortunately, the words typically used in wine-speak have become trite, clichéd, and largely ineffective at accurately describing the complex characteristics of wine. Try replacing these stodgy wine terms with more up-to-date and accurate descriptions:

 

 

THE ART OF WINE PAIRING

Pairing wine with foods is one of the most complicated and challenging aspects of gastronomy. In the Middle Ages, wine pairing was actually considered to be a “dark art” and was only practiced by wizards. Over time, wine pairing has entered the mainstream. But even today, there are vestiges of its cultlike origins. Read any wine magazine or check out the wine section of a bookstore and you will still find shamanlike “wine critics” professing almost divine knowledge of how to match wines with foods. Don’t bother with these megalomaniacs. Here’s all you need to know when it comes to wine pairings:

• Color: There’s no need to stick to rigid rules when pairing wines with meats, but red wines tend to pair well with red meats and white wines are typically best matched with fish. Try rosé wines with undercooked chicken.
• Synergy: Look for symmetry between wines and foods. A big, round, juicy burger always pairs well with Kardashian reds. Similarly, lean meats pair nicely with wines that exhibit the character of Michelle Obama’s arms.
• Opposites: On the other hand, go for contrast. Pair sophisticated cheeses with Jessica Simpsonian wines or a dry-aged ribeye with something Bieberesque. Be inventive!
• Mood: Don’t ruin the aphrodisiac powers of oysters with a wine that smells like a New York City cab driver. Go for something slutty to keep the sexual energy alive.
• Weight: Match the weight of food with wine. Pour a glass of wine and then dunk some of your food in the wine. If it sinks, it’s a match. But if it floats, choose an alternative. This is why it’s so challenging to find wines that pair well with popcorn.

 

SO YOU WANT TO BE A . . . Wine Critic

Becoming a wine critic requires a rigorous commitment to understanding the winemaking process, differentiating between myriad wine varietals, having strict dental hygiene, and refining the art of spitting. Do you have what it takes to become a wine snob expert?

 

• If you answered “yes” three times or fewer:
  You don’t have the makings for a career as a wine critic. You may still get drunk on wine, however.
• If you answered “yes” four to seven times:
  You are not wine critic material, but you have the skills needed to make a great sommelier.
• If you answered “yes” to eight or more questions:
  Congratulations! You have what it takes to be the most annoying person in the restaurant industry a wine critic. Cheers!

 

THAT’S THE SPIRIT: A GUIDE TO THE HARD STUFF

Setting up your home bar needn’t be a huge investment. You can easily get started with a gallon of vodka and a straw. (You may need to expand your arsenal to include a spoon—straw if you’re making frozen cocktails.) But for more advanced mixology, you will need to gain a basic understanding of cocktail-mixing principles and acquire some essential tools to equip your bar.

• Storing Your Liquor: Liquor should keep for plenty of time, provided it is kept in a cool, dark place away from direct sunlight. One of the pluses of living in a cave is that you can keep your liquor right out in the open. That’s why bears have it so good (and why they are able to sleep so long during hibernation).
• Barware Basics: You don’t need a lot of fancy equipment to equip your bar, but there are some tools that make mixology easier. (Ever try muddling with a toothpick? Don’t.) Here’s a list of must-haves:

> Ice bag

> Muddler

> Jigger

> Cocktail shaker

> Strainer

> Ice cube trays

> Hypodermic needles

> Brass knuckles

> Razor blades

> Finger puppets 

• Glassware: You should have four to eight of each of the following types of glassware: a short “rocks” glass, a tall “highball” glass, and a stem “martini” glass. I also like to have a few buckets on hand and a package of disposable barf bags.
• Liquors: Don’t bother stocking your bar with dozens of bottles you’ll never touch (unless you have just been diagnosed with clinical depression, in which case you’ll need everything you can get your hands on). But there are some essentials:

> Absinthe: For drinking according to the traditional method using sugar and iced water, making smoothies (see recipe), and for hallucinating.

> White Rum: For mojitos, daiquiris, and pretending you are Ernest Hemingway.

> Gin: For martinis, gin and tonics, Tom Collinses, and variations on the Collins theme (see “The Collins Family of Cocktails” ).

> Bourbon: For drinking straight, Old-Fashioneds, and reenacting scenes from Mad Men in your living room.

> Vodka: For screwdrivers, vodka tonics, and general inebriation.

 

RUTH’S RULES

When it comes to pairings, wine and cheese make for a lousy match. Introduce crackers for a crunchy and sensual three-way.

 

Recipe: How to Make an Absinthe Smoothie

Where as the typical smoothie, bursting with fresh fruit, can be a great pick-me-up, the Absinthe Smoothie is more of a pick-me-down. It’s still a great way to start your day, provided your day involves lots of lying down and hallucinating.

Ingredients

4 ounces absinthe

1 scoop vanilla ice cream

2 cups ice

2 tablespoons sugar

1 tablespoon protein powder or cocaine, depending upon mood

Pinch of saffron

 

Preparation

Place all the ingredients in a blender at high speed for 1 minute. Add additional absinthe if the smoothie is too thick. If the mixture is too thin, add more ice cream. Pour into chilled glasses and garnish with psilocybin mushrooms and a slice of foie gras.

 

BASIC COCKTAIL TECHNIQUES

Rimming a Glass: One of the most erotic techniques in the bartender’s arsenal. Sweet-talk the bartender into lying down behind the bar, invert the glass, and hold it in front of his or her mouth while he or she sensually licks the glass. Turn the glass right side up and proceed with mixing the cocktail.

Making a Twist: This is where two or more bartenders play a game of Twister while balancing a jigger of vodka on each of their heads. The first one to spill loses.

Flaming a Twist: The same as Making a Twist, only with two gay bartenders.

Smacking Herbs: Bartenders will “smack” herbs—smashing them between their hands over a drink—to release their essential oils. This is not to be confused with “smoking herb” (smoking marijuana) or “slapping the mint” (masturbation).

 

The Collins Family of Cocktails

The recipe for the original Tom Collins first appeared in the 1876 edition of The Bartender’s Guide. It’s a classic cocktail that combines gin, lemon juice, sugar, and club soda stirred together in a tall “Collins” glass. However, there are some lesser-known Collins variations that also deserve your attention:

• Judy Collins
  This folksy variation, named for 1960s singer and social activist Judy Collins, follows the original recipe along with a dash of patchouli oil and a pinch of hashish.
• Joan Collins
  Considered to be one of the bitchiest cocktails ever made, this version, named for the actress who starred as Alexis Carrington in the 1980s serial Dynasty, includes wasabi, bitters, Tabasco sauce, and a spritz of hair spray.
• Phil Collins
  The singer Phil Collins is a lightning rod in music circles, and so is this cocktail, which is hated by many but also admired by some for its virtuosity. Whatever the case may be, it contains four times the amount of gin as the original Tom Collins, so after drinking one you’ll be slurring so much that everything that comes out of your mouth will sound like “Sussudio.”
• Bootsy Collins
  Named for bassist, singer, and songwriter Bootsy Collins, this is one of the funkiest cocktails ever crafted. It includes all of the traditional ingredients for a Tom Collins along with an ounce of funk and an ounce of mojo. Always wear crazy sunglasses while mixing a Bootsy Collins and, instead of using a Collins glass, serve in an inverted sequined top hat.

SOME SEX ON THE BEACH VARIATIONS

You may be familiar with Sex on the Beach, the hugely popular yet disgusting spring-break libation believed to have originated in 1987, in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. It is typically made with vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, and cranberry juice. Over the past twenty-five years, a number of regional variations have emerged:

 

 

Classic Sex on the Beach

1½ oz vodka

½ oz peach schnapps

2 oz cranberry juice

2 oz orange juice

 

Add vodka and peach schnapps to a highball glass over ice. Fill with equal measures of cranberry and orange juice and stir.

 

 

Sex on the East River

1½ oz vodka

½ oz peach schnapps

2 oz cranberry juice

2 oz orange juice

1 dead body part

2 oz human feces

 

Add vodka and peach schnapps to a highball glass over feces. Fill with equal measures of cranberry juice and orange juice, and stir with the dead body part.

 

 

Sex on the Beach of Guantánamo Bay

1½ oz vodka

½ oz peach schnapps

2 oz cranberry juice

2 oz orange juice

1 rag

 

Add all the liquid ingredients to a cocktail mixer and shake. Saturate the rag with the cocktail mixture and serve the rag stuffed directly into the mouth. Pour additional cocktail mix over the rag as needed.

 

 

Sex on Chernobyl

1½ oz vodka

½ oz peach schnapps

2 oz cranberry juice

2 oz orange juice

2 oz enriched uranium

 

Add vodka and peach schnapps to a cocktail glass over uranium. Fill with equal measures of cranberry and orange juice and shake until glowing.

 

COCKTAIL LINGO: A CHEAT SHEET

Like wine connoisseurs, bartenders have their own peculiar language and code words for talking about cocktails and the techniques for making and serving them. Use this guide as a cheat sheet for all of your mixological needs:

 

Neat: a drink served without ice, not mixed or chilled.

Felix Unger: a customer who only orders “neat” drinks.

Muddle: mashing ingredients, such as citrus, to release their juices and essential oils.

Meddle: muddling in inappropriate places.

Mittell: muddling in Germany.

Soldier: a full beer bottle.

Drone: an empty beer bottle thrown at the bartender.

Shot: typically, a one- to two-ounce serving of a single type of spirit.

Vaccine: typically, a one- to two-ounce serving of a single type of spirit taken intravenously.

Splash: approximately ½ teaspoon.

Belly Flop: approximately four ounces.

On the Rocks: a drink poured over one’s testicles.

Rocks Off: a cocktail with a squirt of Bailey’s Irish Cream.

Hair of the Dog: a drink that is supposed to be a cure for hangovers.

Hair of the Cat: a drink that may cause hairballs.

Hair of the Coke Can: a peculiar favorite of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.

Barfly: one who frequents a bar.

Barfry: a barfly who always orders french fries.

Chimneyfish: a barfly who “drinks like a fish” and “smokes like a chimney.”

Jiminy Cricket: a barfly who eats too many chapulines (toasted grasshoppers) at a Mexican bar.

Brezhnester: a Russian barfly who stays all night and drinks only vodka.