CHAPTER 4
Boosting self-esteem
To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.
THICH NHAT HANH, BUDDHIST MONK
Until a couple of years ago it didn’t matter to me what I’d achieved in any one day – it never felt like enough. There was always more to do, more to achieve, there were more pressing items on my to-do list. I didn’t think I deserved relaxation time. I would feel guilty if I took the evening off to watch a film, telling myself I should be doing something productive. I put so much pressure on myself that I would either overwork until I was a headachey, tense mess or spiral the other way, procrastinating on the web for hours, unable to tackle anything because the self-imposed pressure made me too anxious.
I’ve spoken to a lot of women about this; it comes up time and time again. I believe one of the biggest sources of our anxiety is the feeling of not doing or being enough. It’s as if we all believe that anything less than perfect is rubbish. This belief is often at the root of why we push ourselves so hard and give ourselves such a mental beating. But if you allow yourself to feel that you are already good enough, you can just do your best, knowing that it’s always enough.
Of course, there may be very real pressures on you right now. But if you’re really honest, much of the time it’s pressure you put on yourself. Whether it’s to be successful, achieve a goal, look a certain way or please other people, there’s a belief that once you achieve it, whatever it is, then you’ll be happy. People often sacrifice their happiness and wellbeing in the moment and create a tonne of pressure and anxiety, believing it will lead to happiness at some point in the future.
But this isn’t how life works. In his book The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor discusses the way many of us put off happiness until we’re ‘successful’. How many times have you said to yourself, ‘Once I get that promotion/lose 10 lbs/move to a bigger house, then I’ll be happy’? But Shawn’s studies suggest that we should be thinking about this the other way around. When we put our happiness first, it actually enables us to be more successful. ‘When we are positive, our brains become more engaged, creative, motivated, energetic, resilient and productive at work,’ says Shawn. (You’ll learn how to put your happiness first and super-charge your positivity in the Anxiety Solution Toolkit in Chapter nine.)
In the battle against perfectionism it’s also crucial to live according to your own values and not to let anyone else’s definition of success rule your life. Ask yourself, ‘Is what I’m striving for what I really want?’ Author and self-help guru for the modern woman, Gabrielle Bernstein, encourages us to measure our ‘success’ by how much fun we’re having. What if that was your priority, rather than whatever the media or society is currently claiming represents success? What if you measured your achievements in happiness, peace of mind and fun? Imagine for a moment what that would be like? It is possible – it’s your life and you are in control, no one else.
Supercharge your self-esteem
Self-esteem refers to how you think and feel about yourself and how you value your own opinions and rate your worth. Confidence and self-esteem are two different things. Confidence refers to your belief in your ability to do something. It’s possible to be an outwardly confident person – being happy to speak in public or to wear super-short shorts, for example – but inside to suffer from crippling self-esteem issues. I’ll talk more about how to improve your confidence levels in Chapter six, but for now, let’s focus on self-esteem.
Self-esteem is really important when it comes to your anxiety levels. Healthy self-esteem doesn’t mean thinking you’re perfect; just the opposite – it means loving yourself, faults and all. In fact, it is a super important ally when it comes to facing down perfectionism. If your self-esteem is fragile, you’re less likely to be able to handle criticism and bounce back after disappointments. It can also stop you from taking care of yourself and can hold you back from trying new things. When you have low self-esteem you are extra vulnerable to falling into the trap of thinking that, since you clearly aren’t perfect, you must be useless. You take criticism, rejection or mistakes as further proof of your lack of value. This feeling of not being good enough can create a lot of anxiety.
A client recently said to me, ‘I know there are so many things I should be doing that would be good for me, such as meditation or exercise, but I don’t feel I’m worth taking care of.’ This really broke my heart. If we don’t feel we’re worth it, it makes sense that it’s hard to take care of ourselves. When we know our own value, though, it becomes second nature. And when we’re prioritizing self-care we feel more supported and able to handle life’s ups and downs.
The problem with self-esteem
In the seventies there was a ‘self-esteem movement’. Experts told parents that the key to raising happy kids was to boost their self-esteem, no matter what. In an attempt to ensure that children felt great about themselves, many parents and teachers told them how smart, brilliant and perfect they were. But this approach, however well intentioned, can really backfire. My client Anna, twenty-six, told me, ‘I was treated like a princess and told I was special; more intelligent and beautiful than other children.’ Her family wanted her to feel good about herself – and yes, she was a great kid – but the idea of specialness and perfection wasn’t based on reality. (It never is, since perfection doesn’t exist.) When she went to university Anna discovered she wasn’t the smartest person there, or the prettiest either. Her artificially inflated self-esteem was crushed and she felt terrible about herself as a result.
That’s why it’s important to build your self-esteem on solid ground, on things that are real. And not only that but to work on self-compassion, too – recognizing yourself as imperfect and human but worthy and good enough just as you are. The good news is that you have loads of genuine reasons to feel good about yourself. Check out the four exercises in the following pages to start building up your self-worth.
Building your self-worth
In his book Feeling Good, psychiatrist Dr David Burns, a cognitive-behavioural-therapy (CBT) expert, asked one of his clients to draw a line on a piece of graph paper showing her ‘worth’ over time. She drew a squiggled line that dipped when she lost her job and again when she gained weight and rose a little when she got a promotion and then a new boyfriend. Afterwards, David took the pen and drew a straight line across the graph paper. She may have believed that she was worth less when she didn’t have a job or a boyfriend but he wanted to demonstrate to her that she was always valuable and worthwhile.
Your worth is not dependent on external things. It doesn’t fluctuate, no matter what you do or don’t do. It isn’t tied to how productive you are. Think about it: if someone you love is unwell, or elderly, or has decided to quit the nine-to-five to travel the world, they may not be being ‘productive’ in terms of work but they are no less loved and valuable to you. Even if you did nothing all day you would still be valuable. As a human being, you are worthwhile just for being you.
It’s also important to remember that you’ve always done your best. It’s often said that we’re all ‘doing the best we can with the tools and resources we have at the time’. The truth is, if you’d had tools or resources or insights to have done things better or differently in the past, then you would have. Maybe you’ve used the fact that you have anxiety as another reason to give yourself a hard time. Anxiety is flippin’ hard enough without adding an extra layer of guilt into the mix. When you’re anxious, beating yourself up over perceived mistakes can feel like a full-time occupation. You might tell yourself you should be better, should be over it or shouldn’t feel the way you feel. Don’t ‘should’ all over yourself! From now on, banish all those ‘shoulds’ and be kind to yourself.
You have intrinsic worth just for being you. This is enough. You are not broken, deficient or lacking in any way. It’s a bloody miracle that we human beings exist at all, evolving out of stardust over five billion years. Just think, you’re one of the most complex and beautiful beings in the universe! You have always been and will always be enough. Remind yourself of this until you believe it because, I promise you, it’s true.
Exercise: change your perspective
See yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you. Imagine them standing in front of you. Then float up out of yourself and into their shoes. See yourself through their eyes. Feel with their heart. Hear with their ears. See the things that they see in you: your smile, your amazing sense of humour, your unique style, your beautiful mind and the quirks that make you the gorgeous, lovable woman that you are. From their perspective, tell yourself everything you need to know to understand how loved and valued you are. Send a warm glow back to yourself, then float back into your body and receive that love and appreciation.
Exercise: zoom in on the positives
Focus on the things you like about yourself – do you make your friends laugh like nothing else? Are you a fantastic baker? Do you pick really thoughtful gifts for people? Do you have a legendary sense of direction? Have you overcome a big challenge and bounced back? Did you get some great feedback at your last work review? Did you do something awesome lately to help someone? Focusing on the things you appreciate and like about yourself reminds you of all the ways that you’re a worthwhile, valuable person. Remember, you don’t have to be ‘special’ or be ‘the best’ to be valuable. You’re valuable already! I’d like to challenge you to write a list of fifty things you like about yourself and refer back to the list often. You can also try creating a ‘jar of awesome’. On bits of paper, write down compliments you’ve been given, things you’ve done well, challenges you’ve handled, positive thoughts you’ve had about yourself, achievements you’ve had and times you helped other people. Put them all into a jam jar and fish a few out to read whenever you need a boost.
Exercise: do what you love
Discover your strengths and the things you’re good at – and go and do them. Nothing gives us a self-esteem boost more than doing an activity we enjoy and that we’re good at. If you’re great at singing, belt out a song. If you’re amazing at planning parties and events, go and plan one! Does writing light you up? Start that blog or book you’ve been thinking about. Do you love to travel and organize trips? Get one booked in. (Also, can I come?) You have many gifts and strengths and I truly believe it’s your life’s purpose to find out what they are and have fun doing them. Being good at stuff and doing what we love gives us a serious boost.
Exercise: review your relationships
Is it time to do a relationship audit? Look at who you spend most time with. Do they build you up or drag you down? Maybe you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support you, or you have a friend who’s always competing against you or letting you down. It might be the moment to start being more assertive with these people, or to let them go completely. I know this is easier said than done, but you deserve to be surrounded by people who love, support and believe in you, so have a good think about the people in your life that add to it and those who don’t. Maybe it’s about setting boundaries with people and letting them know what is and isn’t OK with you. When you set a boundary you’re making an important statement to yourself and other people that you value yourself.
And remember, basing your self-esteem on what other people think always puts you on shaky ground since it’s only ever someone’s opinion, and that can a) always change, and b) is outside of your control. When it comes to feeling calm, happy and good about yourself, doing things to impress or get approval from other people is a really bad idea. Don’t get caught up in extrinsic goals – all those external things that society and other people tell you you should want. Intrinsic or internal goals are the real deal because they’re just damn satisfying for you. Completing them, which doesn’t depend on anyone else, is its own reward. Examples of intrinsic goals might be studying something because you find it totally fascinating, heading to the gym because you want to feel strong, or playing a musical instrument because it makes you feel free and soulful and you love seeing yourself improve. What intrinsic goals could you focus on?
Self-esteem and busyness
Is being busy a badge of honour for you? Do you need constant work and activity in order to feel like you’re worth something? Do you proudly proclaim how ‘crazy busy’ you are? The pressure is incredible and, yup, it’s totally exhausting. Modern society may put worldly success and productivity up on a pedestal but, by now, it should be becoming obvious that permanent striving for them doesn’t deliver results – at least not the ones we want. We run around, chase after goals, push to get things done, work hard and play harder for fear of missing out or ‘not making the most of life’. Then we end up burnt out and too anxious to enjoy our lives.
Yes, it’s good to set goals and work towards them, but not at the expense of your mental health. If you act like a Duracell bunny every hour of the day, then you’re going to be an exhausted, anxious mess and that’s no good for you or anyone else. You’ve got to recharge those batteries. Being constantly busy creates an overwhelming stream of information that your poor overworked brain has to process. You need breaks to work through it all. What’s more, your adrenal glands, which are responsible for producing cortisol and adrenaline, need a rest from being constantly in ‘go’ mode. Can you start to view rest and relaxation as being just as ‘productive’ as busyness? Repeat after me: ‘I need rest to be at my best.’
So if constant productivity and striving for success won’t make us happy, what will? Perhaps it’s having peace of mind, which is what helps us to feel good in the moment, right now. Or having great relationships and quality time with the people we love. Things totally changed for me when I set peace of mind as my priority; I became loads happier and calmer. I treat taking care of myself as my job, because it really is! I can’t be a good person, therapist, writer, girlfriend or friend without first taking care of myself.
As the old saying goes, ‘life is a journey’ – but if you’re too busy to enjoy it, what’s the point? When your body is dead and gone, your achievements won’t mean an awful lot. A lot of people love the saying, ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead,’ but that implies living life at breakneck speed, being ‘on’ all the time and potentially making yourself ill. The time to rest and enjoy yourself is now – don’t underestimate its importance!
Self-care – the antidote to toxic busyness
When you’re anxious and permanently on the go, self-care is often the last thing on your mind. It’s a classic case of chicken and egg, because self-neglect can itself be a cause of anxiety. Either way, if you’re feeling anxious or burnt out, then stepping up your self-care is an essential part of the solution. Looking after yourself sends you a powerful message that you matter, you’re valuable and that you’re worth taking care of. Maybe you won’t believe it at first, but every time you do something kind and positive for yourself, even if it’s as small as making sure your nails are always manicured and your eyebrows are neat and tidy, you reinforce the belief that you deserve it (and sweetheart, you absolutely do).
What would feel like self-care for you? Maybe you’re a classic bubble-bath-and-glass-of-wine gal. Or maybe sitting in your favourite cafe doing nothing but watching the world go by puts you in the chill zone. Maybe it’s borrowing the neighbour’s dog and tramping round a field with, plus lots of doggy cuddles, that makes you feel really taken care of? Or maybe self-care means asking others for help and allowing yourself to receive it.
Exercise: prioritize looking after yourself
Brainstorm at least twenty ideas that sum up self-care and relaxation for you. Schedule some of these into your diary and treat these appointments with the same importance you would a work meeting. When it’s in the diary, it’s set in stone. It might be having a walk at lunchtime, going for a yoga class or reading a book in the park for an hour. These are essential things, not a luxury.
Head to here in The Anxiety Solution Toolkit in chapter nine to write down your twenty self-care ideas, then schedule some into the diary on here. If something is scheduled in, it's more likely to happen.
Self-esteem and appearance
When I got to university, my brand-new student loan and sudden exposure to abundant cheap alcohol and fast food meant I quickly gained my ‘fresher’s 14’ (lbs). But I soon started to worry about my weight and what I was eating. I believed I had to look like a Victoria’s Secret model or a member of The OC in order to get a boyfriend and feel OK about myself. While I never had a full-blown eating disorder, I thought about food constantly and I rarely felt comfortable in my body, despite only being a UK size 12.
When we’re unhappy with our bodies and the way we look, we’re less likely to go out and enjoy our lives. We can become preoccupied with food and our weight, endlessly beating ourselves up about what we eat, which only adds another level of pressure and anxiety to our lives. Worries about how we look can become obsessive and may be a symptom of body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), which is a type of anxiety disorder. Always speak to your doctor or a therapist if you think you might have an eating disorder.
Eating disorders can be devastating, even fatal, but some level of disordered eating and anxiety around their bodies is a routine part of many women’s lives. The YouGov 2015 Global Body Image Study found that 44 per cent of women are unhappy with their bodies.1 Unsurprisingly, it’s something that affects many more women than men.2
Research also suggests that anxiety about our bodies is more about the way we think than the reality of what we look like. Being super slim and beautiful doesn’t stop you from having body anxiety, because the problem is generated by what’s going on inside our brains, not by any objective ‘truth’.
In her book Rising Strong, shame and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown tells us, ‘Body image fear [is]the most common shame trigger for women.’ It’s the single biggest reason women don’t feel good enough. ‘Shame works like the zoom lens on a camera. When we are feeling shame, the camera is zoomed in tight and all we see is our flawed selves,’ she writes. Brené’s research has suggested that a whopping 90 per cent of women experience shame around body image. It’s an almost universal trigger for not feeling good enough.
A study in 2003 by Dr Marika Tiggeman at Flinders University of South Australia, published in the European Eating Disorders Review, found that reading fashion and beauty magazines was linked to increased body dissatisfaction and rates of eating disorders.3 That YouGov study also revealed that 74 per cent of us blame celebrity culture and social media for our body anxiety. Meanwhile, only about 5 per cent of us naturally have a body type comparable to the super-slim models we see on the TV and in magazines. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a (skinny) round hole. We’re comparing ourselves to a body type that’s just not what nature intended for most of us.
In 1995, TV was introduced to the island of Fiji (I know – how did they go so long without it!). Suddenly, young girls were being exposed to ads showing skinny American models and the glamorous lives of the characters on Beverly Hills 90210. Traditional Fijian culture had appreciated women with larger bodies but, following the introduction of television, girls on the island quickly became unhappy with their bodies. A study by psychiatrist Anne E. Becker revealed that 45 per cent of these girls showed signs of eating disorders and body anxiety, using purging methods such as laxatives and vomiting in order to lose weight.4
Try to view the media you consume as you do the food you eat. If you consume rubbish, you’re going to feel that way. If you read a magazine or online gossip site that’s fat-shaming some poor woman who’s gained weight, or they’ve circled her cellulite with red pen, this is going to feed into your psyche about how it’s wrong to be larger or have cellulite (which pretty much all women have anyway, even models – it’s just airbrushed out!). If we read this sort of thing often enough it becomes a mental habit to be critical of ourselves and others and to find things like cellulite unacceptable.
Obviously, we can’t avoid the media altogether, but curating what you watch and read can make all the difference. If a programme, magazine or website triggers a ton of self-doubt and worthlessness, ask yourself, is it worth reading/watching it? If following certain people on Instagram makes you hate your body, unfollow them. If watching Made in Chelsea makes you obsess over your muffin top, turn it off. It might only need to be a temporary measure, just until you feel more secure, but really, why expose yourself to things that make you feel like crap? For me, at certain times of the month or when I’m tired or having one of those days when I just don’t feel great about myself, I’m especially careful about what I watch and listen to and I make sure I’m taking extra care of myself.
This issue really hit home to me when a client of mine told me that she spent dozens of anxious hours Googling and thinking about plastic surgery options. She was an incredibly attractive, slim, young woman, but that didn’t mean a thing to her. In her mind, she wasn’t good enough. The truth is it doesn’t matter what you look like or how much you weigh, it’s how you think about yourself that is important. In a world where 68 per cent of models suffer from anxiety or depression, we have to realize that having model good looks isn’t any guarantee of happiness.5
Maybe you’ve told yourself, ‘When I’m slimmer, finally I’ll like myself and I can relax and be happy.’ This is the wrong way round. Making peace with yourself first, the way you are, is the key to feeling attractive and confident, peaceful and happy. I found a lot of relief by giving myself permission to be who I was, and it can work for you, too. You don’t need to be skinny or meet the definition of beauty determined by the fashion industry or celebrity culture. You just need to be you – that’s enough. We can only ever feel good in the present moment. Can you give yourself permission right now to be OK with yourself as you are?
I recently went for a walk in Kew Gardens in London. It was looking completely gorgeous. The leaves on the trees were bursting with golden and orange shades; ducks and birds roamed free; mushrooms sprouted in the leaf mould. Nature was blooming in the carefree way that it does. The gnarly branches of a tree don’t much care about what you think of them. They don’t compare themselves to other trees. The mushrooms don’t fret about their irregular, knobbly shape. Birds don’t worry about the tunefulness of their singing. Nature just expresses itself. It is what it is, and it’s beautiful, in all its imperfections. And guess what? You’re a part of nature, too! Try to recognize this and to realize that you’re fine just as you are.
Whenever I notice myself becoming critical about my body I come back to this idea that I’m a part of nature. In the same way that I don’t judge a cat for being too hairy, or a dog for having a wet nose, I won’t judge myself for having thighs that wobble when I walk or hair that won’t stay straight in the rain. The majority of our criticisms are about how we look compared to someone else or how we think we should look. But Mother Nature didn’t make any mistakes when she made you; you’re exactly how you should be. And if reaching a healthy weight is a goal for you, accepting and loving yourself, as you are, is always the most motivating way to get there. Love wins over hate every time.
If you think I’m over-stressing the role confidence and self-love can play in your sense of your own attractiveness, try this. Imagine two twins of equal physical attractiveness. One is having fun and looking confident and relaxed. The other is self-conscious, hunched over and worried-looking. No prize for guessing which one appears more attractive. Confidence is one of the most attractive qualities you can possess. And unlike your breasts, it’s easy to increase it without having to resort to drastic (surgical) measures. Instead of worrying about how you look, focus on feeling confident and good about yourself instead. There are loads of ideas and inspiration for doing this in the Anxiety Solution Toolkit in Chapter nine but here’s one very powerful exercise to get you started.
Exercise: boost your body confidence
In her book Life Loves You, author Louise Hay describes a technique called mirror work, which enables you to change your perception of yourself. You stand in front of a mirror and look into your own eyes as you tell yourself the positive things you want to take on board. You could say things such as, ‘I am enough, I love myself, I am an attractive and confident person.’ There’s something very powerful and meaningful about looking into your own eyes and saying it out loud to yourself – just make sure your housemate is out while you do it. (Unless she wants to get in on it, too!) You’ll find, with enough repetition, that you begin to believe it.
Self-esteem and inner talk
It had been a hectic day and my brain was fried. I’d been sitting at my computer for hours agonizing over a tech issue, but now I had to go to a networking event. As I walked into the busy room, I spotted someone I knew and made my way over. I was tired and not feeling myself and I tried to make a joke that just didn’t land. I got confused and it came out all wrong. I felt my face getting hot and a horrible wave of shame and self-judgement come crashing over me. My internal dialogue turned nasty. ‘Ugh! Why am I such an idiot! She’s not going to want to talk to me again! Why can’t I just be normal?’
At this point, I had a choice: to carry on beating myself up and end up feeling even crappier, or to put it through the friend filter. So I put myself in my best friend’s shoes. What would she say about this? As soon as I had this thought, I could already hear her laughing it off. ‘It’s not a big deal, she probably didn’t even notice! Chloe, you’re great, all your friends love you. You were just tired. Tomorrow, this won’t matter. And who wants to be normal anyway!?’ I felt better almost instantly.
When I first ask my clients how they speak to themselves, they’ll often stare at me blankly. It’s not something many of us think about. But we are always talking to ourselves in our heads. ‘You look so fat today. No one really likes you. You never do anything right. You’re a fucking loser, you may as well give up.’ On and on goes the negative chatter. It’s not nice, is it? Would you talk to your bestie that way? I bet not – and if you did, you’d better believe she’d ditch you pretty quick! This is the way many of us talk to ourselves all the time. Often we’re not even aware of it; it just happens on autopilot, but it’s high time you became aware, because being a bully has never helped anyone.
You’re not alone – pretty much every single one of us carries these critical voices around with us in our heads. But here’s the thing. They aren’t telling the truth. Honest. It can be really hard to remember that, though, so when those thoughts are plaguing you, try to see things from the perspective of someone who loves you. And it might sound odd, but that mean inner voice is actually trying to help you learn something from the situation so you don’t do it again. (True, its technique sucks – but its instinct is to keep you safe.)
Many of us subconsciously believe that we need to be hard on ourselves in order to get better. We think that if we’re too nice to ourselves we’ll slack off and nothing will get done! But as anyone who had critical parents or a critical teacher will know, criticism only makes you feel bad about yourself, and that’s hardly inspiring or motivating. In fact, there’s plenty of evidence to suggest that being overly self-critical can be linked to our upbringing.6 If you had critical parents or a dysfunctional or insecure family upbringing, you’re more likely to give yourself a hard time. While you can’t change the past, there is good news! Being self-critical is a learnt behaviour, which means you can unlearn it and create a new, kinder way of being.
In her book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, Dr Kristin Neff, associate professor of human development at the University of Texas, Austin, demonstrates that people who are kind and supportive towards themselves are more motivated to do better than those who have a harsh inner dialogue. So if you think giving yourself hell over little mistakes is going to help, you’re dead wrong. When we’re hard on ourselves it makes us more afraid of failure, and when we fear failure we’re less likely to even try. Being kind isn’t about lowering your standards. It’s a way of encouraging and supporting yourself to be the best you can be. We are all imperfect; we all make mistakes. None of us escapes fucking things up sometimes. Self-compassion is about being OK with our imperfections rather than judging and criticizing ourselves. We all need and deserve that.
Exercise: kind? Or kind of a bitch?
It’s time to get honest with yourself about your self-talk. Are you being kind? Or kind of a bitch? I recommend checking in with yourself several times a day – set a reminder on your phone or calendar – to ask yourself, ‘How am I speaking to myself now?’ Make a note of what you discover. If it’s not very nice, then you could try one of my favourite techniques for silencing my inner Mean Girl, which is to turn her into a character with a silly voice. It could be Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse or Angelica Pickles, the meanie from The Rugrats! Mine is Toad (of Toad Hall) dressed as a washerwoman, with a really high-pitched voice (this is random, but it works for me!), and when I hear her telling me that I’m useless or that I’m not good enough, I just tell her to pipe down and be quiet! By seeing your inner critic as a character with a silly voice, you can start to take it less seriously and recognize that it’s not the real you, that it’s not helpful and that you can safely ignore it.
Another powerful tool is to put all that mean talk through the friend filter: would you speak to a friend like that? Would your best friend speak to you like that? If the answer is ‘no’, it’s time to make a change. How can you change your self-talk so that it’s kinder, more positive and supportive? Make a note of how you would speak to yourself having ‘friend filtered’ it. Write out a different script for your self-talk. As you repeat this exercise it will become more and more automatic to speak to yourself in a kind and loving way.
Self-esteem and people-pleasing
If you constantly worry about what other people think of you, you’re setting yourself up for misery. Actually, it’s none of your business what others think about you. Their opinions are just that: only an opinion, and besides, they always speak more about themselves than they do about you.
Most of us believe that our opinions (and those of other people) are in some way true. We think the way we see the world is like a video camera, taking in everything and perceiving it as it really is. But this isn’t true. We are actually more like projectors, beaming out our thoughts, beliefs and experiences on to the world and, in the process, creating what we see. When another person sees you, they’re not seeing the real you. They’re seeing all their own beliefs, experiences and emotions – and projecting them on to you. And you can’t control any of that! Their upbringing, beliefs about how people ‘should’ act, the sort of day they’ve had or whether you remind them of someone else can all come into play. This doesn’t mean you should never take on board any feedback from other people. It just means that you should avoid taking on that heavy responsibility for what other people think of you. There’s a lot of relief to be gained from admitting it’s OK not to be liked by everyone.
Many of us take on far too much responsibility for what other people think and feel. When we’re children we learn that other people’s feelings are our responsibility. Growing up, I felt that, if Mum was upset or angry, it was my fault and my job to fix it. If Dad was irritable or worried, I would feel horribly guilty. I was a sensitive child! But children don’t understand that other people’s own pain and hurt is the main cause of their negative feelings.
We want people to like us and we may even try to change ourselves so that they do. The problem is, thinking we can control another person’s thoughts and feelings is delusional. People think and feel the way they do because of their own stuff. Yes, we should do our best to take on board other people’s feelings, be considerate, helpful and supportive, but it’s vital that we recognize that there are limits to what we can or should do, especially if it means we are squashing parts of ourselves. Most people with anxiety take on board way too much responsibility for other people’s issues. Trying to mould yourself or supressing your true self in order to please others is hugely stressful and a sure-fire way to stay anxious.
Self-esteem and ‘comparisonitis’
It might only take a glimpse at your Instagram feed to trigger an internal dialogue along the lines of, ‘Why am I not doing more with my life? I should be cooking exquisite yet healthy and artfully arranged food every day! Why is everyone out having so much fun while I sit here feeling crap? I shouldn’t have eaten that bowl of pasta … maybe that’s why I have so much flesh on my inner thighs …’ Blah blah blah.
When we compare our lives with other people’s, it’s easy for worries about how we ‘must do and be better’ to spiral into full-on self-loathing. But remember, these people are not posting about the #periodpain #bloating #anxious-as-all-hell and #self-loathing that a lot of them are feeling, even those with the supposedly perfect lives. That’s because, well, it probably wouldn’t sell stuff or get as many likes. But I guarantee that everyone, no matter how great their lives may appear online, has something shitty going on. Everyone is dealing with something and no one is giving us the whole story on their social media feed.
Back in the fifties, psychologist Leon Festinger devised the social comparison theory. It states that humans have an inbuilt desire to evaluate how they’re doing. We’ll often use comparison as a way to do this. The problem is that, nowadays, comparison has got totally out of control because we’re comparing ourselves not just to Katie who lives down the road but to Taylor Swift, Karlie Kloss and unlimited other superstars and models. The fact that we’re so exposed, 24/7, to the world’s richest, most successful and beautiful people means we’re comparing ourselves to standards that are unattainable for 99 per cent of the population. (Saying that, even if you are one of the 1 per cent you’re not immune to comparison because there’s always someone younger, richer and more beautiful living a more ‘fun’ life than you. There are no winners in the comparison game.)
But even comparing ourselves to our peers can be really toxic. If your Facebook feed is anything like mine, it’s flooded with pictures of school friends in white dresses and/or with their adorable babies. We see everyone’s gorgeous holiday selfies, their blossoming careers and the number of likes they have on their posts. It’s great to see our friends doing well but it can also create a huge amount of pressure and a desperate sense that we’re being left behind. We end up focusing on what we don’t have or haven’t (yet) achieved, and it’s all too easy to decide there’s something wrong with us.
This is when it’s crucial to come back to our own lives. Firstly, remember to ask yourself whether you really do want those things (whether it’s marriage or babies or a high-flying career) or whether they’re the things society says you ought to want. It’s also really helpful to appreciate all the amazing things we do have. And, above all, remember that there will always be people who are more successful/attractive/smart/interesting/whatever than you are. That’s just a fact of life. If you’re constantly comparing yourself to others, nothing good can come of it. It’s a battle you can’t win and an addiction you need to give up. So I’m declaring here and now that ‘I’m out!’ of the comparison party and I invite you to join me.
Connection rather than competition
If you’re comparing yourself to someone, why not reach out and congratulate them instead? If that’s not possible, mentally cheer them on. Celebrate the accomplishments of other people and your own. Pile praise on your colleague who just got promoted. Wish your friend well on her round-the-world trip. The energy of support and connection is so much better than that of comparison and competition. Your anxiety will decrease and you’ll feel better.
Allow yourself to be inspired by the other person. Maybe their achievements and successes can ignite a passion to take some positive action for yourself? When other people do well, it shows us what’s possible. Sometimes, when we’re comparing ourselves with others, it’s because there’s a part of us that knows that we’re capable of doing or achieving what the other person has. So if you really want something, whether it’s to buy a house or a Burberry coat, have a child or a great career, trust that it’s on the way to you or make a plan to make it happen. Otherwise, let it go and focus on what’s going great for you right now.
I used to put myself down and compare myself to other women doing similar work to me. These days I get inspired by others, by the exciting opportunities available and about what’s possible. I mentally cheer them on rather than beating myself up for not being the same as them. Then I focus fully on the fantastic things that are happening in my world and appreciate myself for all the progress I’ve made and how far I’ve come. You can do the same.
Just do you
There isn’t, nor will there ever be, another you. You are a one-time event in the universe. You have your own unique blend of gifts and strengths and your own unique challenges and struggles. It’s time to celebrate yourself and to acknowledge that everyone is special in his or her own way. No one can do things quite the way you do; no one has the personality, sense of humour, quirks or style you have.
You are not here to be better at things than other people; you’re here to be the best that you can possibly be. If you’re going to compare yourself to anyone, let it be to yourself. You are always growing and learning. That’s a damn certainty. There are things that you can do today that you wouldn’t have been able to do five or ten years ago. You’ve overcome difficulties, gained insights, evolved as a person. You’ve helped other people along the way, too. Remind yourself of all the progress you’ve made and that you continue to make. You’re amazing!
Exercise: cure your ‘comparisonitis’
Keep a gratitude journal, or ‘jar of awesome’. (See here for the jar of awesome and check out the Anxiety Solution Toolkit in Chapter nine for lots of ideas on how to bring about a sense of calm gratitude for what you already have.) It can also help to do a media cleanse and, if you need to, un-follow anyone who triggers unhelpful comparisons. Focus on yourself and all the progress you’ve made. Make a list of all the things you’ve learnt, all the insights you’ve gained, the people you’ve helped and the success you’ve had. Recognize the way you’ve grown as a person over the years, even through your struggles. Focus on being the best that you can be. Finally, support and cheer on other women who are doing well. Connect rather than compete. Use them as inspiration to fuel your own success.
Summary
★ Feeling that nothing we do is good enough and that we must be perfect in order to be loved is practically a universal anxiety.
★ The antidote to this perfectionism is healthy and realistic self-esteem.
★ Healthy self-esteem doesn’t mean being an egotistical monster. It means believing that you are an intrinsically valuable person, just as you are, and being as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.
★ When we have healthy self-esteem we stop worrying what other people think of us, stop comparing ourselves to others and focus on our own goals and pleasures.