TEN

As Zmey Gorynych approached him, Koschei leaned down to pick up the sea cucumber that Tsarevna Snake had dropped. It was limp in his fist but could do the job. Koschei slapped the zmey’s three heads with it. As the cucumber hit them, it exploded white goo all over the heads, covering the zmey’s eyes and making it impossible for him to shoot fire. The tsarevna rushed to her father to help him clean it off, and Koschei dove beneath the serpent’s giant body and leaped out of the room.

Koschei retraced his steps back to where Tsarevna Snake had approached him, next to the room of trapped Koscheis, then made it back to his bedroom. Then he reached a giant hall where the corridors crossed. There were around twenty corridors. He had no idea which one to take and had to decide quickly.

Suddenly, something jumped out at him from the side, and Koschei recognized Tsarevich Toad, who must have been reclining on his water lily sofa, and was now sitting on Koschei’s shoulder.

“Looking for a way out?” the tsarevich whispered in Koschei’s ear and tickled his ear with his lips. Koschei felt hot and excited but did not show it.

“Are you going to start shooting fire at me like your sister and father?” Koschei growled and tried to shake Toad off himself.

“What? No!” Toad held tight with his webbed hands. “Can’t you see I don’t even look like them? I’m a bastard from Papa’s chance encounter with a turtle. But she was always more interested in vacationing with younger lovers than raising a kid, so I have to make do here. I have no one else but them. But that doesn’t mean I have to help them with everything.”

“Can you show me the way out of here, then?” Koschei asked.

“If you promise to reciprocate with a favor sometime when we meet again.”

Koschei agreed. As Toad led him through more corridors and made sure they ducked every once in a while to evade being followed, Koschei asked him about the fire-shooting power.

“You can only get it if you eat enough human flesh. I’ve never had any, but Papa and Snake always eat it. Now that they can’t boil people, they have to be sneaky, amend paperwork to make people ‘disappear.’ And then they go to the shooting range together and bond.”

Koschei decided to ask about the soldier again. Perhaps Toad would tell the truth when he wasn’t with his sister.

“Sorry, we had to lie,” he responded. “We had a soldier here recently. He was sent to heaven because the rules on earth right now are that soldiers go to heaven no matter what. But he didn’t like it there—his words, not mine—and he found his way here. He got into the factories, raped some workers, and found Papa’s secret kitchen, where they cook people. Snake found him and started shooting, tried to wound him. But because he could shoot, too, he managed to get away.”

“Did you see him again after that?”

“No, I swear.”

“I think he might have gone to heaven again.”

“Well, then you’ll be able to find him there. Because that’s the entrance.”

The corridor they were following came to an end, and they were now standing inside a large cave, which was filled with some sticky brown residue that smelled horrible. Overhead, on the ceiling was a rosebud-shaped anemone, which kept vibrating, contracting, and widening. Every once in a while, more residue fell out of it.

“Is this . . . ?” Koschei began to ask, and Toad quickly nodded.

“This is the only way, and you have to go up. Here, I’ll help you.” With those words Toad started breathing in, which made his chest inflate, and he grew bigger and bigger. When he was so big he filled the cave halfway, Toad invited Koschei to climb up on his back, from where it was easy to reach the opening.

Koschei grabbed the tender rim around it with both hands and stretched the sides out to open. A bunch of brown stuff fell out on top of his head, but he brushed it away and kept stretching. Finally, it was big enough for him to fit, and he first put in his legs, then pulled in his body. As he let go of the flesh, and the anemone began to close, Koschei thanked Toad, who in turn waved his webbed hand at him, while letting the air escape his belly.

Koschei realized that he hadn’t asked Toad whether he, too, could turn into a human.

To climb up toward heaven, Koschei had to place his legs diagonally across the passage, grasp at the tissue to his other side, and pull up. This way, zigzagging, he went and went, until a bright light appeared above him.

Koschei climbed out of the passage, looked back at the hole and saw a curved beak close around it, and then open again with a loud cracking sound. A burp. He jumped back, and saw that the passage to hell was in fact just the throat of a very large bird. The bird winked at him with a matte black eye. Koschei curtsied, to thank the creature for letting him travel inside of its body, and rushed away: he didn’t want to make it awkward for either of them.

There was only one way to go, and Koschei found himself in a cave again, but this one was all white, lined with a rubbery white material, and full of dense foam that smelled divine. Koschei made his way through the foam, and as he walked, it cleaned the brown off his body and refreshed it.

This cave did not lead into a corridor but to a balcony with a view over the entirety of heaven. Heaven was full of humans, too, but they were all naked and didn’t have to do anything strenuous. Some of them reclined on lush lawns; others frolicked in the meadows. Silver chariots with large bumblebees in the harnesses passed by, and inside they were carrying more humans. Koschei stood on the balcony and admired the view.