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WHEN I GOT BACK TO the bar, Holden was gone.
"Everyone deserves a second chance," that's what Drew had said. Had he known something I didn't when he said that? I'd have agreed with him in other circumstances but Holden deserved no chances. I'd given him a second chance once. I'd given him a third, even a hundredth. All of that meant nothing. It just made me a sucker.
He said he'd changed but I didn't believe that at all. I just had to think of those stories on the internet. The trouble was that Holden loved women. All women. Too many women. He couldn't keep it in his pants. He'd always been distracted by a pair of legs or a pretty face. Any new territory where he could plant his flag and claim for his own.
I wasn't the type who could live with that. I know some women were okay with open relationships and that kind of thing but I'd lived through those nights at home alone, waiting for him. Not knowing if he'd come back at all and, if he did, whether he'd have the stink of another woman on him.
It'd taken me a long time to get over that pain. That feeling of being second best or not enough, and blaming myself. I couldn't and wouldn't go through that again.
Holden could say what he liked. He'd soon get bored and move on to someone else and, when he did, I wasn't going to let that hurt me at all. My heart would be so hardened against him that it'd be nothing at all.
Yet, there'd been something more. Those nights in his room that seemed so long ago they were almost like something I'd imagined. Holden had been a different person and so had I. We were such babies back then, with big dreams and no idea about the way that life knocks the wind out of you.
We'd both been misfits then. Too cool for our tiny town. Too weird to fit into their little boxes. It'd been harder for Holden. His family were looked down on and he’d had to pay a million times for crimes committed by his father or his uncles. When we'd go into a store, the owner would watch him like a hawk in case he pocketed a candy bar because he came from "that" family. Teachers would be nice to him when they first came to the school until someone on staff put the word in their ear. No one thought he was worth bothering with.
But Holden wasn't like the rest of his family. He had a spark in him that they didn't have. A spark that most of the dead-eyed people in town lacked. That's what made me notice him.
I'd been sent home from school for wearing ripped tights. That was against the uniform code.
"I think they’re hot," he said as I walked out of the classroom.
I shot him a smile and he shot one back and, from then on, we were inseparable. The two of us against the world.
"One day, I'll get out of this place and go somewhere I'm judged for myself," he'd say. "Not as the guy from the wrong side of the tracks. This town is shit. I need to get out. If people know my name, and they will, I want it to be with a smile on their face and good things to say about me. "
I was the only one he let close. The only one who understood him. I had my own issues. Not nearly so bad but I wasn't exactly prom queen either.
In those days, he only had eyes for me. He'd put his arm around me and we'd walk together through town, laughing at their stupid small-town stares and gossip. We'd had our secret places we went to get away from them.
I got jolted out of my thoughts by the sound of smashing glass.
"Drew? Was that you?"
He'd been unloading the dishwasher. We'd found a bunch of hidden glasses behind one of the couches that the cleaning staff had missed. I thought they would be safe with Drew but I'd been wrong. He seemed to have a special talent for smashing things.
"Clean it up," I said. "And try to get through the rest of the day without smashing anything. I'd hate to have to sack you."
I was a bit curt with him but he had to learn. If I was in charge, I couldn't have him smashing every glass in the place. And, if the other staff saw me go easy on Drew, they'd expect it too.
That reminded me, I hadn’t done the stock orders. I sighed and got to it. We'd been going through a ton of vodka lately, that's for sure. We'd run out on Saturday night. That was embarrassing, having to tell customers we had no vodka. I’d been tempted to serve them gin. Most of them wouldn't have known the difference anyway.
Those were the kinds of things I had to worry about, not an ex-boyfriend coming back into town with fool ideas in his head.
It wasn’t right for him to come back and stir up these feelings in me. He hadn’t asked me if that’s what I wanted. He’d just decided for himself. I’d have liked some say in the matter. They were my feelings after all.
By the time Alex came out of Violet's office, I'd finished the orders so I slipped in to have a cigarette with her. Screw Alex and his stupid talk. I couldn't smoke in the back alley. It stunk of piss.
"Sorry, I knew nothing about this until Alex told me. If I could change things, I would." She fidgeted with some papers on her desk.
I shrugged. I didn't blame her at all. She was only doing what Alex said. I perched on the arm of the sofa and lit my cigarette, taking a long draw.
"I'm okay. It's only one night. He can do what he wants, they both can — Holden and Alex. I'm tough enough to deal with it." I tried to blow a smoke ring but it broke apart before it even formed.
"Are you? Because if you need anything, you know you can count on me. You don’t have to be a tough chick all the time. If you want to come in here to scream and punch things, that's okay with me. Mainly, if you want to punch things, punch the sofa because, if it falls apart completely, I can get it replaced."
As she said that, she got up and threw the cushions off it.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Ah, I knew Alex would sit down so I took out all the crap I have stuffing the holes underneath it so he'd get stuck in the sofa hole. That way he'd realize how inadequate this thing is. They both got stuck actually. I nearly peed myself holding in the giggles."
She grabbed a bunch of stuff from behind the sofa — old cushions, a bunch of clothes from the lost and found, a couple of boards — and fixed the sofa up.
"'That's evil. I love it." It was a shit sofa, that's for sure. It was even worse than the one in my shitty share house and that was about fifty years old.
"Seriously though, you don't have to go through this alone."
"I know, but I'm fine."
Well, I hoped I was fine. Maybe that weird feeling creeping over me was just because I was getting a cold or something. It had nothing to do with Holden.
I stubbed out my cigarette but lingered. I had no motivation to get back to work.
"It's going to be huge, huh," I said. "Holden King playing here. I guess I'd better get used to hearing his name."
"It's a total win for Alex but I'm not sure if it's the best thing for the club. We don't have the capacity for something like this. Everyone in town will want a ticket but, by the time Alex gives out all the comps, there'll be like ten tickets left to sell on the door. That's going to make for some angry punters. And you know what they’ll do? Mill around downstairs. I hope he's intending putting on extra security that night because we're going to need it."
If downstairs was hammered, at least I'd be distracted. That had to be for the best. I wouldn’t even know what was going on or have time to think until it was all over.
"It's going to be hellish this week too. This is the week they are doing all the heavy work upstairs. It'll be all hammering and sawing and banging," she said.
"What? More than they're doing now? I didn't realize there was that much hammering involved in putting in a sound desk."
"Yep, not the equipment obviously but building the actual desk. Hamish has been going nuts. He has very different ideas to Alex about how things should be done. He thinks, as the sound engineer, he should be consulted more. They keep running to me to get involved but I'm not refereeing them."
Even with all her complaints, Violet was radiant. She had a glow I'd never have. I'd die an old maid without even cats to keep me company because I lacked the nurturing skills to be responsible for them. Not that I minded being single. It suited me just fine. Much better than being in a terrible relationship. Just, it would be nice to meet someone who made me that happy.
"So, you and Razer leave in a few days’ time?" I asked.
"Yeah, it's been too easy. Every venue we contacted wanted him. One of the towns even changed around their festival so the guys could headline. It's going to be a crazy couple of weeks but it might be nice. I can sit back and be a fan rather than running the show, you know? I can't even remember what that's like."
I laughed because I couldn't remember either. That was the trouble with a job like this. If you loved music and you worked with bands, what did you do in your spare time?
Talking with Violet settled me at least. I might get through my shift without yelling at anyone or destroying the place. So long as Holden King stayed the hell away.