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"SO, YOU AND HOLDEN are back together? He wouldn't be interested in playing another gig here, would he?"
Trust Alex to be going for the best angle for him out of the whole situation. It'd taken exactly five hours and fifteen minutes for the news about Holden and me to get around the bar. That was including Christos who spent most of his time passed out on the bathroom floor. And, since then, they’d all talked about nothing else.
"Ask him," I told Alex. "Do I look like I'm his management?"
"No need to get snappy. I thought you'd be a bit less snarky now you're getting some."
I snatched an ice cube and threw it at Alex's head.
"Oww, that really hurt."
"Yeah, be grateful it was just an ice cube and not my boot, you sexist pig."
I grinned. He deserved it after that crack. To be honest, Holden made me so happy that it scared me. Happiness is a trap. Sure, it's fine for a while but eventually, you have to crash back down to earth. Things with Holden had been too good. But they were only that way because I'd put myself into a bubble of denial.
"Anyway, Carlie, if you intend on ditching work so you can go touring the world with your rock star boyfriend, can you let me know in advance so I can replace you?"
"You can't replace me, Alex. You could scour this entire planet and nowhere would you find never find a better bar manager than me."
"She's definitely been in a better mood since she got back with Holden," Jackson said.
"Shut the fuck up, Jackson. You too, Alex. The pair of you. If someone is in a bad mood, maybe it's because they are surrounded by jerks, not because they need the cock. So put a sock in it because I have plenty more ice here and I'm a good aim."
"I mean it, Carlie. You have to think about these things."
Alex could say that but that was the exact thing I didn't want to do — think about the future and what this relationship meant. I wanted to float on the surface with Holden.
"Yeah, sure thing. Although, I can't see me rushing off any time soon."
Even though they were jerks, it was easier to deal with Alex and Holden than with Violet. To the point that I considered giving up smoking so that I wouldn't have to go into her office and face her questioning. That lasted for two hours.
"I know what you're going to say," I said to her. "Let's just pretend you said it and go on from there."
"How do you know what I'm going to say? You tell me, Carlie."
Bitch.
"You're going to say that I'm making a big mistake and that I should be careful. That Holden was a big cheating bastard in the past and that a man-whore leopard doesn't change his spots that easily. That I'm stupid and need to watch my back or I'll be hurt again, only this time will be even worse, I'll be hurt so bad that I'll end up a big mess that needs to be scraped up off the floor and put back together to become anywhere near functional."
I sighed.
"Actually, I was going to say that if Holden makes you happy, maybe he deserves a second chance. He seems to be really crazy over you. Maybe those things you thought I was going to say are things you are telling yourself."
Damn her. That made too much sense. I didn't need that kind of analysis of my love life. I'd fallen into her trap.
"We have no future," I said.
"You don't know that. If you'd asked me a short while ago, I'd have told you that Razer and I had nothing together and look how that changed. You have to open yourself up to possibilities."
"Actually, I did ask you and you said just that but, just because you have the happy-happy love juice going through you, doesn't mean everyone else is going to get what they want."
"I think you have plenty of happy-happy love juice going through you, yourself. You are using condoms, right?"
I nodded. Even after Shun saying that Holden didn't screw around anymore, I wasn't putting myself at risk. I'd need more than his say so.
Holden said he had a phone-in interview at 6.00 and he'd come into the bar after that. Since everyone knew now, I was fine with that. Except at 6.30, the butterflies in my stomach made me feel sick. He wasn't just coming into the bar to hang out or be a nuisance. He was coming in as my — my something that wasn't yet defined.
How long did an interview take anyway?
I guess longer than half-hour. I had to stop stressing.
Then the bar got really busy and I couldn't keep checking my watch. If Holden did come in, I probably wouldn't spot him anyway.
Finally, around 9.00, I got a chance to catch my breath. I scanned the bar for him. He wasn't around. I grabbed hold of Drew.
"Have you seen Holden?"
Drew would've spotted him if he'd come in, since he was all over the place. Also, he was crushing on Holden.
"Nope. Is he coming in tonight? Cool."
Shit. Surely it didn't take three hours to record an interview. Even if they were running late. I mean, Holden could run on at the mouth a bit but not that much. It didn't mean anything. He might've got caught up doing something. I tried to push the evil thoughts from my mind. No matter what time he came in, I'd be sweet and happy.
I kept on with my work, trying to avoid thinking about it.
When I looked down, I realized I'd chewed my nails down to the quick. My little finger actually bled. I needed a cigarette. I got Mark to cover for me and went to Violet's office. She was upstairs so I had the place to myself. I lit up my cigarette, figuring I'd take my time. Even if Holden came in, he'd stick around. I wasn't at his beck and call. I checked my phone while I dragged on my cigarette. No message, nothing at all.
I took a deep drag then crushed my cigarette into an empty can.
When I walked out, Holden still wasn't around. I put my phone into my pocket instead of on the shelf where I usually kept it.
The customers downstairs started to die down a bit. Most either drifted upstairs or headed home. The bar needed cleaning, though. I'd never noticed before how much crap had built up under the sink. It was gross. I scrubbed and scrubbed until it looked as bright as new. Then I restocked the bar and polished every single glass we had.
"Settle down, girl," Jackson said as I handed him another drink. "You're a wound-up ball of stress."
"No, I'm not." But, as I said it, I automatically raised my nail to my mouth.
He was so late, he probably wouldn't even bother coming into the bar at all. I prepared myself not to see him. I'd be fine with that. If the next five customers ordered beers, then that would mean he'd come in.
A girl walked up to the bar.
"Two vodka and Cokes, thanks."
"Wouldn't you rather a couple of beers?" I asked her. "Vodka and Coke will rot your guts."
She rolled her eyes. "No, I want vodka. My guts are fine."
"You arguing with me? Are you drunk? If you are, I can't serve you. We have laws about responsible service of alcohol, you know."
She turned to her friend and shook her head. While she did that, an old guy came to the bar.
"Beer, thanks love."
I ignored the girl to serve him but she stood there, waiting.
"Listen, I want two vodkas. I'm not drunk and you're just being weird. So, serve me my drinks."
I folded my arms. She couldn't force me to serve her. Before I could say another word, Holden walked in the door. I grabbed a couple of glasses and rushed her order. Then I ignored him. I wanted to check the time. I wanted to jump the bar and hug him. Or punch him. I wasn't quite sure which one. Maybe a punch-hug.
He walked up to the bar but I didn't look at him. He could wait until I was good and ready.
"Hey, Holden," said Drew, sitting down next to him.
"Hey Drew, get back to work. You're still on shaky ground."
Drew scowled at me as he got up.
"So, how's your night been?" Holden asked.
I wanted to smile nicely and act like I didn't care that he'd wandered in so late. It wasn't like we were dating or anything. We were sleeping together and he'd talked a lot of fancy words, that was all. Still, my mouth worked without being connected to my brain.
"Really fucking shit if you must know. Where have you been? I thought you were coming in after your interview."
Nice way to sound like a nagging wife.
"Oh yeah, sorry. Shun called after the interview and we got talking..."
"Fine." I turned away from him. Maybe I should go out the back and get the restock done.
When I walked out, he followed me.
"Are you shitty with me?" he asked. "I said I was sorry."
"Well, Holden, sorry doesn't cut it. You can fuck up a thousand times and say sorry every time but you know what makes that believable? Not fucking up in the first place."
He grabbed for me but I pulled back.
"What's wrong, really? It's not like we had definite plans. I’d have just been sitting around the bar, waiting for you to finish. It's work, Carlie. You know that. Things come up. Shun had some amazing ideas for the new album and we had to talk through them."
"Like what?"
God, I hated myself but part of me wanted to get actual confirmation from Shun that the two of them had been talking and it wasn't just Holden running around.
"Are you ever going to trust me? Is that what this is about?" His voice echoed around the storeroom. I shut the door so we couldn't be heard in the bar.
"I want to, I really do."
"But you don't."
"But I don't."
Then the silence stretched out with only the music from the band upstairs breaking it. I couldn't lie. I didn't trust him. That was facts.
"I don't know how I can convince you, Carlie. I can't check in with you every five minutes. I can't wear a tracking device —"
"Well, actually, you could." I managed a wan smile.
"Other than that, I have nothing but words to convince you."
I should've put it all out there then. He had more than words. He had his actions. It wasn't fair to expect this all-or-nothing reaction from me. I wanted to be with him but it'd take time, a lot of time, before I'd be comfortable with him. Second chances don't come that easily and they don't come without work.
Even though I knew that had to be said, I bit my lip and looked into Holden's eyes. Instead of talking, I pulled him to me and kissed him with a violent passion that surprised even me. My mouth would be bruised but I needed the reassurance of his body. Talking could wait. I had to have him. He responded with the same roughness, kissing me so deep that it felt like we'd crawl into each other's skins.
He backed me against the wall and grabbed my arms, holding them over my head as his body ground against mine. His hard cock rubbed against my leg until I arched my back towards him, wanting him inside me.
"Carlie? Are you busy?"
Fucking Drew. Could the bar not survive five minutes without me? A quick fuck in the storeroom, that's all I wanted. Hard and fast against the wall.
"Ignore him," Holden whispered, sliding his hand under my skirt.
As his fingers crept into my panties, I suppressed a sigh.
"Be there in a minute," I called. The bar could wait.