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“YOU DON’T REALLY WANT to go to the bar? We can go anywhere. Let’s go somewhere nice for dinner. Anywhere you want?”
“Ergh, no. I have a belly full of sugar and processed meat. If I go out to dinner, I’ll be queasier than you were on that spinny ride. I really thought you were going to hurl.”
He grinned. After his stupid efforts with the ring, he’d been fine for the rest of the day. Luckily, the train was pretty much empty on the way home. No one to bug us. We sat together, rattling back to reality.
“Just for one drink. I want to make sure the place is okay.”
“You have trust issues, Carlie.”
“Aint that the truth.”
I didn’t really want to open up that discussion though, so I slipped my hand into his and rested my head on his shoulder and pretended to nap until we got to our station. But the pretending became real and he shook me awake when we came to our stop.
The weather had cooled down when got off the train. He took off his leather jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders. I wanted to stop him but it comforted me to wear it and it was damn cold in just that flimsy dress.
“Okay, we’ll go to the bar for one drink. Then we have to go back to my hotel room.”
“Sounds fair to me.”
I wanted to make sure things were okay with Drew. Even though I’d given him his job back, I didn’t want anything going wrong. And if people didn’t turn up for their shifts, I wasn’t sure that Sally would let me know. All number of things could go wrong at the bar without me there.
He put his arm around me as I walked but it seemed awkward, like we were a step out of time with each other. I didn’t want to pull away and make an issue of it.
I put my hands in the pockets of his jacket to keep them warm. Something touched my fingers in the right pocket. The stupid ring he’d won at the carnival. I slipped it on my finger, not even sure why.
If I let myself, for even one moment, fall into a dream of what it would be like to marry Holden, I’d fall forever. It wasn’t possible. It was fine to dream about supporting someone when you’re a kid but what would I do? Trail around with him while he toured the world? Be that woman sitting in the corner, watching on.
What if we had kids? He’d be off traveling and I’d be stuck at home, constantly obsessing that he was with someone else. It wasn’t a picture that I could put together.
Everything seemed fine at the bar. Alex and Jackson in the corner, Mark behind the bar, a bunch of regulars sitting around drinking. A typical night.
We sat down at the bar and I called Mark over to get us drinks.
“Hey, Carlie, since you’re here, can you relieve me? I’ve not had a break yet,” Mark said.
“No, she can’t. I don’t even know why she’s here. She’s having a night off.” Alex scowled at me. “Call someone from upstairs.”
“It’s okay. It’s not like I’m doing anything.” I jumped up.
Holden shot me a look of annoyance but what did he expect? This was my job and it was only for five minutes. It wasn’t like I’d be working all night.
Fuck what Holden thought, anyway. How was this different than him leaving me standing around, like a dick, while he signed autographs and posed for photos?
I hung up Holden’s jacket then grabbed an apron from behind the bar.
“Really, you don’t have to do this. I might start imposing a ‘no coming to the bar on your night off’ rule for you and Violet.”
“Yeah, and then she’d be spending more time with Razer,” I said, just so he’d get that look on his face like he’d sucked on a lemon.
He didn’t say anything but I knew he didn’t take it well.
I pulled Holden a beer, then checked things were right behind the bar. Mark had everything in disarray, so I had to put the stock back in the right places. He knew better than to move things around. There was a system and it wasn’t his weirdo system either.
When I looked up, some girl had settled herself in my seat beside Holden. Blonde curly hair and a low-cut dress. Another fan wanting a photo. Mostly, in the bar, the customers were too cool for that kind of thing. They treated Holden like he was a regular guy, at least to his face and were too cool to ask for photos or any of that shit.
The blonde wasn’t a regular, though. I bet she’d just come in because she’d heard he hung out here. Stalker groupie type.
I walked to that side of the bar but he ignored me. Even if he was annoyed that I’d said I’d work for five minutes, his behavior just wasn’t on. He wasn’t actually paying attention to the other chick either and, when I got closer, I realized he had out his phone, texting someone.
I chewed on my nail, waiting for him to fix this.
“Get me a beer, will you?” the girl said.
“I don’t think so,” I told her. “Your type isn’t welcome here.”
Holden glared at me but I was fucked if I’d serve her. She could go somewhere else to drink. Like he’d said earlier, I didn’t have to be nice to the general public, especially the general public who flirted with him. I was just a bar manager, not some hotshot rock star. I had no public image to care about.
I waited for him to get rid of her but she just giggled and rubbed his arm. He kept on texting. Why the hell did he just sit there instead of telling her he was with someone?
Sneering, she looked up at me. “Why are you just standing there? Get my drink.”
“I want to make sure you aren’t doing anything inappropriate,” I said through gritted teeth. “I think you need to leave.”
The girl had taken her hand from his arm but, from the way she moved, she’d put it on his leg.
“It was nice meeting you but you probably should leave,” Holden said. He turned so that his body was away from her. “I’m kind of busy right now.”
“Just one photo,” she said with an exaggerated pout that made me want to slap her.
Surely, we could have one drink without someone hassling us. The blood started pounding in my ears but I ignored it. I’d stay calm and deal with her.
“Don’t you have any friends here?” I said with a fake smile. “Maybe you should run back and join them?”
Before I could say any more, a guy came to the bar for a round of drinks. I had to serve him.
“Quiet night, tonight,” he said.
I grunted and glanced back at Holden. She still sat there.
“Guess it’s Monday, people don’t like coming out on a Monday.”
I handed the customer his beers, still watching Holden. The chick hadn’t moved. Even though Holden did nothing to encourage her, it drove me nuts. I didn’t want to get all territorial but she obviously couldn’t take a hint.
Holden put his phone back in his pocket then walked around to join Alex and Jackson. She followed him.
When I finished serving the guy, I spun around.
“Oi, you, leave him alone.”
Holden rolled his eyes but she was being a nuisance.
It was way past time that Mark should be back. I wouldn’t do him a favor again, that’s for sure. That stupid plastic ring dug into my finger. I wanted to take it off and throw it at Holden. What had that all been about, anyway? Some stupid, spur of the moment thing that meant nothing. It was an ugly ring and I didn’t even want it.
“Just one photo.” Her voice became a grating whine.
“Okay, then I’ll let you get back to your friends. I don’t want to waste too much of your time,” Holden told her.
I knew he was trying to be nice but he didn’t have to be “on” all the time. He could be more assertive about getting rid of her. All these fans had ruined our day together but this one was definitely the worst. She had a predatory look in her eyes that showed she wanted far more than just a photo. Why did he have to be so fucking nice to people?
Someone tapped on the bar and I turned to serve them. That meant I had my back to Holden.
All I heard was Jackson’s voice. “Listen, love, you’ll wanna watch yourself. See that woman behind the bar, you don’t want to get on the wrong side of her.”
Jackson wasn’t wrong. The blood rushed to my head. I’d known when I got back with Holden that things wouldn’t last long but I had no intention of letting some bitch be all over him while I watched.
“Watch it,” the customer said.
Huh? Oh, I’d overflowed the beer glass. I grabbed another glass from the tray and started again. Then Mark returned, laughing to himself about something.
“Hey, Carlie, want to hear a joke?”
“No, I fucking don’t. Five-minute break, more like five hours. Why are you always taking advantage of people?”
I flung my apron at him. I’d pull Holden out of here by the arm if need be. Coming to the bar had been a bad, bad idea. We should’ve just gone home to be alone without his adoring fans.
Before I could grab Holden though, the chick draped herself all over him.
“Just another photo.” She brushed her lips against his neck. “A sexy one this time.”
I stormed from behind the bar and grabbed her by the hair, pulling her off him.
“What the fuck –” She tried to push me away.
“Get off him. Get your fucking hands off him, you stupid bitch.”
She screamed and the room went black. All I could see was her face, laughing at me.
I’d warned her. She should’ve left him alone.
Before she could say anymore, I punched her in the mouth. Her stupid mouth, with its stupid talking. She shouldn’t have had it where it wasn’t wanted.
She screamed again, and Alex pulled me away.
Holden put his arm around the girl, calming her and asking if she wanted her friends. Fuck him. It was me he should be comforting. I was the one who’d had to put up with all this shit.
“Get the lady a drink, Mark? Was it red wine?” Alex said without letting go of me.
I fought Alex, trying to loosen his grip on me. He should throw her out instead of giving her free drinks.
She smirked even though her lip bled, and that made me struggle more. I’d finish the job. I wanted to kill someone and I didn’t care if it was her, Alex or Holden. The whole fucking lot of them could die. She’d been being a stupid little bitch and deserved to get hit.
“Let me go,” I screamed but Alex carried me into Violet’s office and threw me on the sofa.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“You saw her. You saw what a creep she was being. She deserved what she got and more.”
Alex sat down on Violet’s desk. He folded his arms and looked serious. I was a teenager again, in the headmaster’s office, in trouble for fighting on school grounds.
They never understood. No one understood.
“Carlie, that’s the second time you’ve punched someone in this bar. The first time, I let it slide because it was before opening hours and you obviously had a history with Holden but this time you hit a customer. It’s not on. It’s totally not on. If you’re the bar manager here, I need you to act professionally. You are too fucking volatile and I have no idea what to do with you. Take some time off and sort yourself out. I don’t want you back until you have your shit together. I don’t want to sack you but, if she presses charges, I’ll have to.”
I sucked in my cheeks and glowered at him. “You started this, though, didn’t you? You were the one who wanted Holden to play here. You weren’t worried about what damage that would do. And now everyone is taking sides against me.”
He got up and walked to the door.
“Don’t make this about me. Or about Holden. Or even that girl out there. You can’t just punch people when things don’t go your way. You’ll be lucky if that girl doesn’t press charges. We aren’t taking her side; we’re cleaning up your mess. Get your temper under control or you’re out of a job.”
With that, he walked out the door. I wanted to pick up something and throw it after him but there was only a cushion. Alex could go to hell. The lot of them could.
I choked back a sob. I didn’t want to go back out there but I couldn’t stay in Violet’s office all night.
I could run up the back stairs to the band room. That way I could escape the club without seeing anyone. I needed to see Holden, though. I wanted him to pull me into his arms and tell me everything was okay. At the same time, if he did that, I’d fight him off. I couldn’t help myself.
But that didn’t mean I didn’t want him to try.
I walked out of the bar. Holden and that chick had both gone. My stomach churned, as I wondered if they’d left together. Holden’s jacket wasn’t where I’d hung it up behind the bar.
Even if they weren’t together, Holden hadn’t cared enough to wait for me. The dead weight of all my fears crashed around me.
My heart jumped when I saw him waiting outside. He leaned against the wall, staring at me.
“It’s not going to work,” he said.
I wrapped my arms around my stomach like I’d been hit.
“Not when you let every woman you meet maul you. How am I supposed to deal with that?”
He sighed. “I didn’t maul her. None of them mean a thing. I flash them a smile and they get a photo to post on their Facebook. I’d have shaken her off but you just made her more determined to hang around.”
“Right.” I was supposed to believe that?
“These are the people that support me. Don’t you understand that? I can’t treat them like trash.”
“Well, I can.”
But, even as I said it, the regret started. I’d gone too far. I didn’t need Holden or Alex to tell me that.
“Maybe I’m not right for you, Carlie. I just keep hurting you, over and over, even when I’m trying to make things right. You have to meet me halfway.”
A lump formed in my throat. It wasn’t even his words but the hurt in his eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you have a choice. Either you’re in this relationship, with all the scary shit that involves, or you aren’t in this at all. I know it’s not easy but I’m prepared to fight for you, to work my guts out for this thing between us but I can only do that if you are walking beside me, working at it too.”
I’d known it would never last between Holden and me. It’d been a fling, all hormones and lust. I’d let him walk away. I could commit my body, I could commit my time but I didn’t know if I could ever commit my heart.
“Just say yes, Carlie.”
I hung my head, not able to answer him and definitely not able to meet his eyes. I wanted to say yes to him and throw myself into his arms but I couldn’t. I stayed like that for a long time, long enough to hear Holden’s footsteps as he left me.
As I watched his back grow smaller in the distance, I realized it was over. There was no Holden-and-Carlie. I had nothing. Nothing but that cheap junk ring on my finger.