| |
I RAN AS FAR AS I COULD. From Holden, from the bar, from my messed-up life. I got home and stuffed some things in a bag then headed for as far away as I could. It was only when I got on the overnight bus that I realized I was going home. Not my home in the city but home to my parents. That worked. Holden would never return to our hometown in a million years, not now that he'd escaped.
I didn't bother texting my parents. They'd be asleep and were the types to wake up and answer the message. I didn’t want to disturb them. It'd be morning before I arrived. I'd let them know then. I curled up as best I could in the tiny seat, hugging my bag tight to me, and fell asleep.
I’d pulled that stupid ring off my finger intending to throw it as far away as I could but I couldn’t. I stuffed it into the bottom of my bag.
When I woke, the bus was on the outskirts of town. My neck ached and my back ached. I tried to stretch out in the narrow seat but there wasn't enough room. I needed to go to the toilet but the thought of crawling over the man asleep beside me to use the stinky bus toilet made me hold it.
The sun was strong already, making everything appear bleached out. The ugly farmhouses hadn't changed. The sign at the mill saying how many days since there'd been an accident said five. The house with the rusty tractor in the front yard still had the rusty tractor. Nothing had changed at all. The place had been frozen when I left, like a snapshot.
A bunch of high school kids waited at a bus stop. I bet they were exactly the same types. The bitchy girls who expected everyone to follow their rules. The rough girls who threatened to beat you up. The smart ones who planned to get out before the tentacles of this hell town wrapped around them and dragged them down into the murky depths forever.
I got out my phone and sent Mum a message, ignoring the list of missed calls. Mum would be full of questions but Holden King's name would not be mentioned in our house. I'd never told her what happened, not wanting to hear all the I told you sos and how Holden King was just trash, all the Kings were trash and would never amount to anything.
I'd never been able to make them understand that Holden was different.
After I messaged Mum, I went into the missed calls. Holden didn't have my number and if Alex or anyone else had given it to him, they were dead to me.
When I checked though, they were from Violet. There was a message too.
Are you okay?
I sent a reply, telling her I was out of town. I'd be out of town for a while.
Need anything? Alex said you were pretty upset last night.
Even though my anger tank overflowed with the pure rage I felt toward Holden, there was still a reserve for Alex. He'd set me up. Sure, I'd taken the money for watching Holden play but he’d known what he was doing and he tempted me into it. He had to share some of the blame. The two of them had zero respect for my feelings. No wonder Violet had chosen Razer over him.
We pulled into the bus depot in the middle of town. The middle of town being two streets of shops. I hoped Mum would be there to pick me up. I could walk to the house but there was a strong possibility that I'd run into someone I knew and they'd be all chatty and asking me about my life since I left town. Screw that bullshit.
I pushed my way off the bus and ran into the bus depot toilet. It hadn't been cleaned in a long time. I blocked my nose and hung my bag up, well away from that floor.
When I came out, I searched for Mum. I spotted her across the road next to the car. Talking to Mrs. Harrison, my Year Nine teacher. Holy crap. That was the last thing I needed.
I hid behind the bus and lit up a cigarette while Mum chatted. She'd be telling the old busybody all about how I was back in town. The thought of just keeping her mouth shut about my private business never occurred to Mum. Everyone would know I was back in town within five minutes and, believe me, there'd be no welcome parade. Just gossip and bitching. Sure, they'd be nice to my face but that meant nothing.
Finally, Mrs. Harrison walked off, so I ran over and jumped in the car before Mum could start talking to anyone else.
"You just missed June," Mum said. As though meeting June would be the highlight of my day. "You look done in. I bet you'll be glad to have a nice shower and sleep in your own bed."
I was going to protest, then it struck me she was right. The mank radiated off me after that bus ride. A shower would be perfect and then sleeping in a real bed. My back might never be the same after that bus.
"Thanks for picking me up," I said.
"Of course. You never come home. I was just saying to your father the other day that we never hear from you."
A tinge of guilt went through me. I never did contact them. If I called, Mum would talk for hours. All the small gossip that didn't interest me. Who'd gotten married, who'd had babies. I had zero interest in that kind of thing. I couldn't even remember half the people she talked about.
Oh. My. God. She had the radio on. They were playing that song. I reached over and switched it off.
"That was Holden King, you know. Did you know he's doing well with that band of his? I always said he wasn't like the rest of his no-good family."
I opened my mouth to remind her that she'd actually always said the exact opposite. Amazing how a bit of fame changed a person's history. Then I shut up. I didn't want to get into an argument within five minutes of arriving home and if Mum wanted to believe that, she could.
Mum chatted in the car all the way home, so I didn't need to think. Just an occasional "yeah" was enough. I could barely keep my eyes open.
Now that I was home, I had no idea what I'd do. I showered and crawled into bed, wanting the oblivion of sleep, but the image of Holden kept floating back to me. I had a wealth of anger to hold onto but, in my dreams, it was like we'd been at first. All wrapped up in each other and believing that nothing would ever come between us.
It didn't help that my room held the scent of those days. That cheap body spray I'd douse myself in, that smell would probably never leave. Added to that, Mum was cooking. Making a roast, to celebrate my homecoming. That was something I'd missed. I couldn't even remember the last time I’d had a proper meal. Lying in bed, trying to sleep, it really did feel like I'd slipped back into my teenage years.
On the shelf on the opposite wall, a row of stuffed toys watched over me. Mum must've got them out of storage and put them up there. The teddy with the chewed off ear and the blue dog that was missing an eye. Old tat but I was glad she hadn't thrown them out. Some of my old dresses still hung in the wardrobe too and a few boxes were stacked in the corner.
He'd said I'd been to blame too. That made me so angry. Sure, I'd not been the best girlfriend to him but I'd never looked at another man. Hell, we'd been so young, so naive. Running to the city, thinking Holden would get his big break and life would be roses. The stupid thing was, that it did happen. We went from living in a room with a shared bathroom and a broken bed, to him being signed to his label in the blink of an eye. At the time, it’d seemed like we'd be in that room forever but it'd barely been months. While it'd been squalid and freezing cold, we'd had each other. Holden had a part-time job handing out fliers for a night club and I did some bar work. He got together his band and started playing.
It didn't take long for them to build up a buzz and then the groupies started hanging around.
A lump formed in my throat even thinking about that.
Growing up, I'd been a freak. People laughed at me but I didn't give a shit. I knew I was about a hundred times cooler than anyone else. I'd much preferred being laughed at than looking like any of them. That wasn't hard when everyone else dressed like they were going to milk the cows. I had the Goth girl makeup and short punk plaid skirts, and I’d liked how I looked.
But all that changed when we hit the city.
Even before Holden noticed the girls around him, I did. I noticed the way they dressed and the way they moved. I compared myself to them and I always came up wanting.
It made me want to go back in time and find young Carlie and tell her to settle the fuck down. It was just hair and makeup and fancy clothes. That didn't make you any better or worse than anyone else. Back then, I'd felt like a country bumpkin. Nothing I owned looked right. I hacked off all my hair, thinking that would make me cooler, then instantly regretted it. I didn't have the money to spend on fancy hairdressers or new clothes or even a new lipstick.
All that insecurity, plus going out drinking far too much, turned me into a raging bitch. I'd go nuts any time Holden so much as looked at another woman. I'd strike out at him or at the woman. Then I'd go home and cry.
I'd been a bitch, that's for sure. It still didn't excuse what he'd done and I couldn’t forgive that. I'd never get to sleep with all the recriminations running through my head on repeat. I jumped out of bed and put that plastic ring back on my finger. I don’t know why I even did that but I felt better when I wore it.