__________

Houston, Texas

2006

__________

 

 

-rumble rumble-

Caesar pulled his head from beneath the pillow, swiped his hair back so he could see better, and groped around for his phone. Then he brought it close and squinted until the screen came into focus. Without his glasses, he practically needed to press his nose to the phone, but that was okay. If he couldn’t wake up next to Nathaniel, this was the next best thing to a good-morning kiss. Although something was a little off today. The text message in particular.

good night my darling prince

Caesar grinned despite already having read this before falling asleep. Where was the text message that had awakened him? Then he heard another rumble, this one strong enough to shake the house. A storm. That’s what had roused him from sleep. Caesar flopped back into bed, deciding to snooze a little longer. Then another idea occurred to him. Sitting up in bed, he reached for his glasses. The old red-framed ones that he wouldn’t be caught dead in. Literally. Maybe he should let his parents know these wishes, just in case he checked out sooner than expected. If the funeral is open-casket, make sure the undertaker puts in my contacts first. He didn’t care if that made practical sense. The idea amused him too much. Once the glasses were on his nose, he stared at the screen, his attention darting between the time at the top and the empty white space where a text message should be. Like clockwork, it came.

I’m up and already thinking about you

Which parts of you are up, Caesar replied, and what sort of thoughts are you having?

He let one of his hands snake beneath the sheets in anticipation of the answer, already imagining it was Nathaniel’s touch he felt instead.

“Honey? Are you awake?” These words were followed by a light rapping on his bedroom door.

Caesar stifled a groan. His hands were already above the covers again, the mood instantly killed.

“Breakfast is ready. It’s your favorite!”

“Thanks, Mom,” Caesar called in return. “I’ll be right down.”

He rose and pulled on flannel pajama bottoms and an old T-shirt. He made use of the private bathroom attached to his room, already knowing he would soon miss such luxuries. Then he put in his contacts and grabbed his phone on the way out. He paused while walking down the hallway to read Nathaniel’s response.

wanna know how bad I miss you? I think I could hammer a nail into the wall with this thing.

Caesar bit his bottom lip. Could he get away with sexting while at the breakfast table? He hated to leave Nathaniel hanging, but the idea of trying to hide his own arousal while his brothers and sisters slowly chewed on sausage links and scrambled eggs… Nope. He couldn’t do it.

You’re on your own. Sorry. Mom is already getting clingy.

Nathaniel would understand why. Caesar considered providing him with a few helpful suggestions on what he could do to himself, but before he could, another door in the hall opened. Jason’s hair was a mess from sleep, his eyes wide when he spotted Caesar. Then his expression became steely as he marched across the hall to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

“Good morning to you too,” Caesar said with a sigh.

He wasn’t surprised by this behavior. Caesar only had himself to blame. Ever since Jason had shown up at the campus library to catch him and Nathaniel kissing, things had been uneasy between them. To put it mildly. The news that would break today would either make the situation better or worse. He wasn’t sure, but he intended to defuse that bomb now. Or at least let it detonate in a controlled environment.

Caesar knocked on the bathroom door. “Jason? Hey. You got a second?”

He listened, only hearing intentional silence. It had to be. Nobody was that quiet in the bathroom.

“If you’re on the pot,” Caesar said, trying humor, “pinch it off and finish later. We need to talk.”

He heard the shower curtain being ripped to one side and the water coming on. Caesar sighed again. He’d tried. That’s all he could do, short of picking the lock and— He stopped, knowing where such thoughts would lead. He wasn’t over Jason. Caesar still found him adorable, still wanted to hold him close, brush the bangs from his forehead, and make those sad eyes a little happier with each kiss. He still felt an overwhelming urge to watch over him. Jason was like a lost puppy wandering the streets. Only a monster wouldn’t try to help. And yet, the kind of help Caesar had provided only seemed to do more harm than good.

With this in mind, he continued down the hall and descended the stairs. His worries were easier to forget when he smelled french toast. His mother, Constance, stopped him on the way to the table to kiss his cheek and murmur how proud she was of him. That was nice. The envious glare from Peter wasn’t, but Caesar shrugged it off and sat.

“What’s keeping Jason so long?” his mother complained, looking toward the stairs. “Todd, would you go up there and—”

“His stomach is upset,” Caesar said before his father could rise. “Jason said we should start without him.”

Constance pursed her lips. Then she nodded and moved to begin serving. Caesar hopped to his feet and grabbed the tray of toast before she could, putting slices on his parents’ plates first and dishing out more to his siblings. Including his younger brother.

“Suck up,” Peter mumbled under his breath.

“Learn from the master,” Caesar murmured, a grin plastered on his face. He didn’t have to fake it. He was excited. In truth, today would be a day like any other. The only difference would be an acknowledgement of how things were going to change, and they would all be happier because of it. Even Peter.

“Thanks, Mom!” Caesar said when he was seated again. “This looks great!” He swiped the bottle of syrup out of Amy’s hands, and when her angelic little face started to crumple, he poured some on her toast in the shape of a heart. Then he doused his plate and began stuffing himself, covertly checking his phone to see what Nathaniel had to say.

the hammer experiment was a success. nails are in the wall, photos are hung. so am I. you’re really missing out.

And another.

now I want to see if I can shoot a hole through a phone book.

Caesar snorted and coughed, claiming that he had swallowed wrong when his mother became concerned. That’s when Jason showed up, hair damp from the shower.

“Is your stomach feeling better?” Constance asked.

Before Jason could look too puzzled, Caesar interjected with, “Those must have been some bad stomach cramps. Your face was all twisted up.”

“I’m fine,” Jason mumbled. Then he turned to Amy. “My face always looks like that.” He scrunched it up and stuck out his tongue, to her delight.

Constance seemed to relax too. She encouraged Jason to load up his plate while there was still toast left, and once he had, she cleared her throat. “It’s Saturday morning, and you all know what that means.”

“Chore rewards,” Peter said dutifully. “I’ll vacuum.”

More like he would run the vacuum behind closed doors while playing a handheld video game. Caesar didn’t begrudge him that indulgence, since he himself was rarely expected to do more than get good grades and keep his room tidy.

“We have an extra special reward today,” Constance continued. “We’ll be going to the Downtown Aquarium for a family outing.” Her eyes were shining when she focused on Caesar. “All of us.”

He smiled back, making sure her attention was elsewhere before he dared to look at Jason. They were rarely in the same room together. Since the fallout, they had an unspoken truce to avoid each other as much as possible. Meals were the one exception. Those couldn’t be avoided, although Caesar had seen Jason burn through a number of strategies. The first was to eat as quickly as possible and then ask to be excused. This was repeatedly denied, so Jason switched to clearing plates away the second he was done eating, like an over-eager waiter. When this drew complaints from his parents, Jason settled on eating slowly and deliberately, his concentration locked on his food at all times. Caesar tried to help by not talking as much, or by excusing himself early whenever he could. Not today though. They would be together, and that no doubt weighed heavily on both their minds.

“Do they have dolphins at the aquarium?” Amy asked.

“I don’t think so,” Caesar replied. “We’ll make it work anyway. It’ll be a lot of fun, I promise.”

He hoped these words weren’t lost on Jason. Rather than make him uncomfortable with further glances, Caesar focused on his food. As soon as Peter began dominating the conversation—which he always got around to eventually—he felt free to look back down at his phone.

no luck on the phone book experiment, Nathaniel had texted, although I think I’ve begun my career as an artist. ever heard of Jackson Pollock?

That sounded familiar. Caesar googled the name to be sure. Then he sent back his response. Next time, I want to be your canvas.

He was grinning at his own cleverness when he heard Jason say something about his stomach. By the time Caesar looked up, the chair where he’d been sitting was empty.

— — —

The Downtown Aquarium seemed to suffer from an identity crisis, unsure if it wanted to be a theme park, a restaurant, a zoo, or as the title suggested, an aquarium. The variety it offered made it the ideal choice. Caesar had been allowed to choose the venue for today and had thought little of his own needs, aware of how his adopted siblings viewed him. He was the spoiled biological child—the heir apparent—with his own lenient set of rules. That they didn’t despise him completely was a miracle. The bias in his favor wasn’t his own creation, and although he didn’t resist it, he did try to set the balance right when he could. Like today.

Amy was easy. She was still young enough that anything bright and colorful made her happy. This included exotic fish, and even better, a ride on the Shark Voyage Train, which drove straight into the middle of a massive aquarium. Not through the glass, thankfully, but rather a tunnel that passed through the bottom center, creating the illusion that they were moving along the ocean floor. Peter’s mood always improved around electronics, so he was ecstatic about the arcade, and Carrie enjoyed the carnival rides, which must have provided the perfect music video visuals to the tunes constantly pumping through her headphones. That just left one person, who Caesar only wished he could make happy. Although Jason did perk up during an outdoor portion of the train ride, just as they were passing by a lake and an animatronic shark broke the surface. While the robotic beast gnashed its teeth, Jason glanced over at Caesar, perhaps hoping the shark would swallow him whole so they would never have to be around each other again. If so, he’d get his wish soon enough.

They ended the afternoon at the white tiger exhibit. The environment was supposed to resemble some sort of temple in India, but there was no lush grass here or warm sunlight. Instead the exhibit was located in a basement with concrete floors and a few murky pools. Peter banged on the glass wall and laughed when this agitated one of the tigers. Amy and Carrie were pensive. Jason looked downright miserable. He had a soft spot for animals. Caesar moved toward him, just in case he needed someone to complain to. Or something else to focus on that he disliked even more. Caesar hadn’t even reached his side before Jason noticed him coming and walked away.

“This is certainly… interesting,” Constance said, not seeming pleased herself. “Who’s ready for dinner?”

“I am!” Caesar said, mostly to get the others going.

“We haven’t done the stingray reef yet,” Peter complained. “They let you pet them!”

He felt a shiver run down his spine. “I am not touching one of those things.”

“You don’t have to,” Peter shot back. “I’ll do it. I’m not a wimp!”

“No one will be petting those poor things,” Constance said. “Come along. It’s time to eat.”

“Will there be a birthday cake?” Amy asked.

“It’s not anyone’s birthday,” Caesar said, tickling her on the way out.

“They should stick to proper aquariums and nothing more,” Constance whispered to her husband. “First tigers and now stingrays. This is shameful.”

Jason overheard this and smiled.

Caesar fell back a few paces, watching his family from a distance and recognizing that this was how it would be from now on. Six people instead of seven. He was okay with that, but he wanted to be sure it would work for Jason. Seeing him smile just now was a hopeful sign.

Caesar entered the restaurant in high spirits. The place reminded him of the gimmicky Rainforest Café that Amy adored so much, except this one had an underwater theme. The walls were sculpted to resemble coral reefs, massive aquariums set into them that illuminated the dining area in a blue glow. Lamps shaped like fish hung from the ceiling—providing a warm ambience. The effect was impressive, their shared wonder lasting for most of the meal. Once the main courses were cleared away, everyone was pressured to order dessert, and when these arrived, Caesar braced himself for embarrassment. Sure enough, his mother stood up.

“As you know,” she began, “Caesar applied to ten different colleges.” She held up an envelope that had already been opened. “This isn’t the only acceptance letter he received, but it’s the only one that matters to this family.” She looked at her husband.

Todd stood too, taking the envelope from her. “Probably a local community college,” he joked. “A shame, because I was hoping you would follow in my footsteps.” As he pulled out the letter, he did a credible job of appearing surprised. His parents already knew. Of course they did. They had practically watched the mailbox in shifts. “There must be some mistake,” Todd said, shaking his head. “This letter is from Yale. And they’ve accepted you.”

His parents sat again. The table was silent, but after an awkward pause, someone did start clapping. Caesar looked over at Jason, who he could swear was glaring behind those long bangs before a smile broke out.

“That’s awesome,” Jason said, almost sounding like he meant it.

“Isn’t it?” Constance enthused. She looked at her other children, who began clapping too.

All except Amy. “Where’s Yale?” she asked.

“Connecticut,” Caesar replied, and before she could ask where that was, he put it in terms she could understand. “You would have to drive an entire day and night to get there.”

Her little brow furrowed. “You’re moving away?”

“Afraid so, kiddo. This is good though. Someday you’ll move away too. Maybe to Connecticut. Then we can be roommates!”

Amy began to sulk. “But I don’t want you to go!”

Jason’s chair was shoved backward as he stood. “Can I be excused? I want to look at the rainforest exhibit again.”

“Sit down!” Constance snapped. “You haven’t even touched your dessert.” Her gaze softened when she looked to Caesar. “We won’t have many more family meals like this. Not with everyone here.”

Jason sat and started spooning ice cream into his mouth while looking miserable. Amy followed his example. His other siblings were apathetic to his departure, so Caesar focused on his own dessert while discussing his future with his parents. He kept sneaking glances at Jason, whose mood only seemed to worsen, so once their plates were cleared away, he tried to do something about it.

“I want to see that rainforest area again too,” Caesar said. “It was really cool. Mind if Jason and I go check it out?”

He was already on his feet, not waiting for an answer.

“I want to go back to the arcade,” Peter said.

“Not on your own,” Constance said.

“I’ll go with him!” Amy chimed in.

“That’s not what I meant,” Constance replied.

Caesar looked at Carrie, staring at her until she pulled one of the buds from her ears.

“Huh?”

“Can you take Peter and Amy to the arcade?” he asked, expression pleading. “That way Mom and Dad can have some alone time. Why not order a bottle of wine?” he said, turning to them. “Make it romantic.”

“I don’t know,” Constance said, her head already starting to shake.

“It’ll be fun,” Todd said, reaching to place a hand over hers. “Just a glass each.”

His mother’s cheeks grew rosy. That was as good as permission!

Caesar jerked his head toward the exit, only going that way when certain Jason would follow. “Don’t worry,” he said as soon as they were out of earshot. “You don’t have to hang out with me. Once we’re around this corner…”

Jason picked up the pace. When he rounded the corner, he didn’t slow down. Caesar did, although he made sure to stay within visual range. Jason really did seem interested in the rainforest room, walking up to one of the tanks. Caesar hung back and pulled out his phone. He’d missed a text from Nathaniel.

come see me. tonight.

If only that were possible! Normally he would wait until his family was asleep and sneak out, but with his mother feeling sentimental, he could imagine her knocking on his door late at night, just to tuck him in. Embarrassing, but part of him would miss her affectionate little gestures.

Tomorrow, he wrote back. I promise. What do you want to do? Besides the obvious.

He leaned against a wall and waited. Nathaniel wasn’t responding. That happened on occasion, when he got busy. Caesar grew increasingly bored. He stopped looking at the screen and switched to watching Jason as he moved along the glass. He didn’t seem as tense now. Caesar glanced back down at his phone, and when it still didn’t have anything to offer, he pocketed it and pushed away from the wall.

“Pretty cool,” he said. “Isn’t it?”

Jason spared him the briefest glance before returning his attention to an underwater world. “Yeah.”

Caesar walked closer. “I thought you would be happier. With the news. I’ll be out of your life soon. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about this morning.”

Jason swallowed and said nothing.

“You should put a claim on my room before Peter does,” Caesar said, standing at his side and watching an eel wriggle by. “Tell him it’s because you’re older. I don’t think Carrie will want it. She’s planning on moving out with her boyfriend. Just wait until Mom finds out about that.”

“I agree with Amy,” Jason mumbled.

“Huh?”

“Nothing.”

Did he mean… Caesar thought it through a few times, just to be sure, and was unable to find any other interpretation. “You don’t want me to go?”

“That doesn’t mean I like you!” Jason shot back.

Caesar laughed, but only because he was happy. “Huh. I thought you hated me.”

Jason shrugged.

“Can’t we be friends?” Caesar spoke quickly in case Jason tried to escape. “If only for the rest of the night. I’m leaving anyway. What difference would it make? Give me the next half hour. Or better yet, as long I’m still in Texas. Please.”

Jason swallowed again and looked over at him. “Why?”

“Because part of me doesn’t want to go. Because I like you. Because…” Caesar shook his head. “I don’t want it to end this way, with us not talking. You can hate me all you want. Just wait until I’m gone.”

“I don’t keep my distance because I hate you,” Jason croaked.

Caesar sighed. “That’s not why I stay away from you either.” His stomach sank when Jason walked away, but he only moved to the opposite wall. Caesar followed cautiously. “You really like it here, huh?”

Jason nodded. “It’s beautiful. And sad.”

“What do you mean?”

“That school of fish,” he said, nodding to where a dozen orange bodies slid gracefully through the water. “I wish I knew how that felt.”

Caesar made a face. “You don’t know how to swim?”

“I do, it’s just…” Jason touched his hands to the glass. “They’re synchronized. They all want the same thing and are going in the same direction. I’ve never felt that way. With anyone.”

Caesar was about to claim that nobody did, but then he thought of his parents, and how content he was to follow their guidance as a child. When he outgrew them, he found like-minded friends instead. And then there were the people he had fallen in love with. Nathaniel. Steph. The guy standing right in front of him. He hated to think that Jason had never felt that sort of connection. How lonely that must be. Or maybe he simply hadn’t recognized it.

“We had that,” Caesar said, moving closer. He reached around Jason, placing his palms against the cold glass, and murmured in his ear. “Remember?”

Jason spun around, his back against the aquarium, but he didn’t try to escape. “What are you doing?”

“Reminding you,” Caesar said. “You’ll find this again with someone else. Until then, don’t forget, because if you got there once, you can do so again.”

Jason’s eyes were vulnerable, his bottom lip starting to tremble. “I won’t find it.”

“You will, and you won’t be alone until then.” Caesar let his arms drop. “You fit into this family. My parents can be a pain, I know, but they love you. So does Amy, and you get along with Peter better than I ever did. Those schools of fish look graceful from the outside, but I bet when you’re in the middle of it all, it feels crowded. Just imagine those other fish telling you what to do and where to go, when all a guy wants is to make his own way in the world. That’s family. It only looks harmonious from the outside.”

Jason managed a smile. Then he turned around again, just in time for a massive turtle to swim by. “That’s me,” he said, nodding at it. “The only home I have is on my back, and I take it with me when I go.”

Caesar snorted. Then he threw an arm around Jason’s neck, yanking him closer in a playful headlock. “You’re so dramatic! I think I get it now. You want to be seen as a loner.”

“It’s not an act,” Jason pouted. Then he managed a subtle smile. “I’m just that cool. Admit it.”

“You’re the coolest,” Caesar replied. “Come here.” He pulled Jason close for a hug. “It’s going to be okay. Take my place when I’m gone. My parents will be sad, and you can be their golden boy. Don’t let Peter rule the roost. Promise me! I can’t stand the idea. Make it your home. You deserve that.”

“I’ll try,” Jason’s muffled voice replied.

Caesar rubbed his back, intending to comfort him. Then his hand moved up to the messy hair. Caesar’s body was reacting, but so was his heart. It never seemed to run out of love. He felt plenty now. For Jason. Caesar knew he needed to think of Nathaniel too, but one never seemed to cancel out the other like it did for most people. He wasn’t sure why. All he wanted was to make sure Jason understood how special he was, no matter if that took words or something more. Caesar pulled back just enough to move his hand around to Jason’s cheek. Their eyes met, their lips drawing near…

“Hey. Guys.”

Caesar released Jason and spun to face the voice. It was only Carrie. She understood. Caesar had covered for her on numerous occasions too. They could both keep a secret. Her head tilted toward the hallway behind her, where Peter and Amy could be heard arguing. Caesar nodded his thanks. Carrie put her earbuds back in and returned to her own private soundtrack.

“What do you think?” Caesar said in low tones. “Can we be friends again?”

Jason’s smile was tight. “Only if you agree to pet a stingray.”

“Anything but that!” Caesar said in mock terror. He smiled at Amy and Peter when they entered the room. “Come on, guys. We’re going to do that thing that Mom forbid us to.” He led the way to the aquarium’s glorified petting zoo, already dreading what would happen there, but he would play along. If it made Jason happy, even for just one night, then it was worth it. By the time he felt his phone vibrate again, Caesar had already decided to leave it in his pocket.

— — —

-rumble rumble-

Caesar forced himself to sit up in bed, blinked against the brightness of the morning, and reached for his glasses. He could tell from the light outside that there wasn’t another storm, so he reached for his phone, discovering a text message from Nathaniel. Three in fact.

are you here yet?

are you here yet?

are you here yet?

Caesar laughed and shot a message back. Don’t make me pull this car over! After a mighty yawn he added. Breakfast with my family. Then I’ll be on my way. Have you showered yet?

no.

Good. Wait for me.

He yawned again and went through his usual morning rituals. He thought about the night before, how much fun he had hanging out at the aquarium. Like old times, or maybe even better, since everyone had gotten along so well. Caesar had talked his parents into another round of drinks, promising he would drive everyone safely home. While they sat in the restaurant together sipping wine, the rest of them returned to the amusement park area, playing games and hitting the rides. Best of all, he and Jason were talking again. At least until they came home, when Jason disappeared into his room and didn’t come out. Caesar wasn’t sure what to make of that, but he was eager to see where they stood today.

He was the first one at the breakfast table, his attention pulled away from his phone each time someone entered the room. Jason was the last to arrive. He didn’t make eye contact. Maybe he was tired. As the meal neared its end, Caesar had his answer. Jason participated in conversation, but never replied to him directly or looked in his direction. The only exception happened while Caesar was responding to a text from Nathaniel. He’d tried to do so without anyone noticing, and when he saw Jason grimace, he put away the phone entirely. Not that it seemed to make a difference. Jason was the first to leave the table, as soon as he was allowed.

Caesar was in the upstairs hallway, returning to his bedroom, when the door to Jason’s room opened and he was greeted with a muted, “Hey.”

“Hey!” Caesar replied, feeling a burst of optimism. “How’s it going?”

“I can’t do it,” Jason blurted out. “I can’t be your friend. Or your brother. Or… anything else. Not with him around. It’s too hard.”

Caesar felt like the wind had been knocked out of him, but he nodded his understanding, because he wasn’t sure he could keep up the act either. He loved Jason. Pretending otherwise would be impossible. “So back to how it was before?”

“Yeah,” Jason said. “Sorry.”

“I am too,” Caesar said. “Not for what we had. I liked that. But I do regret hurting you.”

Jason rolled his eyes. “Stop being nice. It doesn’t help.”

“Okay then,” Caesar said, standing upright. “In that case, I’m going to sell my room to Peter for fifty bucks. I figure you won’t be able to handle being in there, since the place is positively soaked in my sexy man energy.”

“Stop being charming too,” Jason said. “Go back to being an asshole. It makes it easier to pretend that I don’t like you.”

“Back to being an asshole?” Caesar said in mock offense. He felt his phone vibrate. That’s when he knew what he needed to do. He pulled it out and pretended to read the text. “Nathaniel,” he confided, as if any explanation was needed. “I need to get ready so I can go see him. Have fun at church.”

Jason looked hurt, but he nodded and in a strained voice said, “Thanks.”

Caesar didn’t reply. He kept his attention on his phone until he was in his bedroom. Then he shut the door and exhaled. After collecting himself, he sent a text.

I can’t wait to get out of here.

that bad?

No. That good. Otherwise this would be easy. Caesar comforted himself with the vision he’d had yesterday. A house full of foster kids without him as competition, and in one case, without a constant reminder of what could have been. As for Caesar, he would finally be free to love who he wanted. Despite his heavy heart, he reminded himself that this was for the best. A happy ending for those he would leave behind, and for himself, a new life where anything was possible.

 

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