Noelle, Sister Beatrice, Sister Margaret, and Mr. Banks stood at the front of the buggy, bidding their farewells. They thanked her for her hospitality, catastrophizing what might have happened had they daunted the storm of the previous night.
Some of the pine trees surrounding her home had been bent or broken, leaning against each other in seek of support to recover from the raging storm that had so easily broken their stumps. One could say it stumped them. Noelle snorted at her joke, earning strange looks from both Mr. Banks and Sister Margaret. Beatrice simply ignored her and continued with the conversation.
“Well, Mrs. Foster. It is with great pleasure that I admit the home visitation had gone extremely well. You should be able to continue with the adoption of little miss Carol.” Sister Beatrice hid a ghost of a smile, glancing at the sprawling ranch home behind Noelle. Nicholas stood on the porch, looking sour and honestly like a problem she did not want to deal with at this moment.
She felt joy and excitement stretch a smile across her face, free and without limitation. Her heart soared as high as the eagle that screeched above them, singing as sweetly as the wind that blew leaves and dust against them. The sun was out today, warming her face as Beatrice’s news warmed her heart. Composing herself, she straightened her spine in an attempt to look as much the elegant mother-to-be as she could.
“That is such wonderful news, Sister. I thank you for your generosity, and for trusting me. I hope you have safe travels.” Noelle said in her most sophisticated tone. She waved them off as they mounted the buggy, trailing off down the road and disappeared from view. She kept waving until she was certain they were gone, and only then did she turn to acknowledge the six-foot-one sourpuss standing on the porch behind her. They still hadn’t spoken about last night and she had—quite frankly—refused to even acknowledge what had happened.
It had been the first time in a long time that she’d had the nightmare, one so intense she’d been sobbing in his arms for most of the night until she drifted off to peaceful sleep. It wasn’t because of the embarrassment that she didn’t want to talk about it—it was about the fact that she had never slept so soundly in her life. In his arms, the person she’d least expected, she had found such profound peace that she was as rested as she’d been when she was a child without fear.
Nicholas had not only calmed her mind, but also her soul, making her sleep like the dead. She felt safe in his arms, which scared her far more than her hysterics embarrassed her.
Noelle approached him, if not carefully. His arms were folded as he leaned against one of the beams that held up the porch roof. His posture was relaxed, if not slightly stiff, but his eyes were like a storm. A hurricane waiting to lay waste to everything around it. She cleared her throat, struggling to contain the beaming smile on her face. Nicholas stared down at her, eyes trailing over her face, and then the pale green dress she wore today—with a green petticoat to match and defend against the cold.
It was Nicholas who spoke first, his voice gruff and stern. “I understand your desire to have a child, Noelle. And I understand that you have a soul connection to Carol—but you must realize that you have convinced these people that she will grow up in a household with a mother and father. You deceived them into believing it when you have no way to really take care of her now that Henry has passed.”
Noelle opened her mouth to object, her heart suddenly aching from his words. He did not give her the chance, instead opting to speak over her. He took a step down from the porch as he spoke, anger lining his body.
“How will you work, Noelle? How will you take care of this ranch and work when you have a child?” He was a foot away from her, staring her down with those beautiful eyes.
Noelle knew he was right, knew she had been thinking impractically. She knew that she’d just made her life a whole lot more difficult than it had been. She had been lying awake thinking about it last night, right before her nightmare came to rob her of the peace she had. There was no excuse really, and nerves were causing a whirlwind in her belly. She had just been so excited to adopt Carol, had seen her dream within her grasp, and leaned in to snatch it up before it could escape or be blown away once again.
“I know, Nicholas. You don’t have to remind me. I am a grown woman, you know.” She snapped at him, lifting her chin in defiance. Something twinkled in those brown eyes before he leaned closer, their lips barely a hairsbreadth from each other.
“It’s a shame you don’t act like it.” And then he moved away, taking a long-legged stride towards his waiting wagon. Noelle scoffed, sticking her tongue out at his back. She kicked the dirt on her way to the house, covering her pretty green suede boots in dust. What an insufferable man. What a horribly arrogant, insufferable, rude, and condescending man. She watched him leave for work through the small windows in the door, the colored glass painting him in a more colorful fashion than he was.
Still angry and irritated even an hour later, Noelle started to get ready for her volunteering at the church this afternoon. She chose her best dress, but also the darkest, in case it required getting dirty. She’d hate for her lighter dresses to become stained. Even though they were only putting together Christmas boxes for the orphanage, she thought it was better safe than sorry.
Maybe there was some crafting to be done. The ride on the way to church was bumpier than usual, courtesy of the melted snow leaving welts in the dirt road leading from the ranch to the town. She thought as she rode, her mind so incredibly busy she almost missed the turn that would take her right to the front entrance to the church.
What she’d done—and what she’d forced Nicholas to do the night before—weighed heavily on her, making her question her morality and the type of person she was. It also made her doubt her faith, and how much of a Christian she truly was if she managed to lie so easily. Guilt made her nauseous, causing her to almost hurl her guts out as she came to a stop over a bumpy patch of semi-dead grass in the middle of the rest of the wagons.
As Noelle walked to the church, she felt as if all eyes were on her, as if the unsuspecting people surrounding her had somehow become privy to what she’d done. It felt to her like she was under scrutiny, like she had “liar” written on her forehead. She grabbed her coat closer to her, as if it would shield her from being judged, or keep the truth from coming out. It was like that during the entire day she volunteered.
Every leering eye felt like it penetrated her skin, seeing right into her soul. Every giggle emitted by someone felt like it was directed at her, centered around her downfall because of lies. Every pointing hand and every frowning face felt like they were directed right at her, judging and shaming her for poor decisions, lies, and utterly shameful behavior.
By the afternoon, she had had enough, and went seeking Pastor Sam’s guidance. She found him where he usually was, at the playground, speaking blessings out over the hordes of children that could—because of their innocent ignorance—not care less. Screeches of delight and joy made her smile, his welcoming one making the heavy weight on her chest seem like a feather.
Her friend had always been a steady force, immovable, and aiding all of them in the same. He seemed able to steady even the most nervous of them, like a source of strength planted specifically here for this purpose, to aid and guide the rest of them. She supposed that was the purpose of a Pastor; to spread the word of God and guide the masses.
“Noelle, how have you been?” He asked, his eyes regarding her with platonic love and respect.
“If I may be frank, I have not been good.” Tears suddenly welled in her eyes, making her lower her face in case someone was looking. “I have not been good at all.”
Pastor Sam put a hand on her upper back, guiding her away from the masses. “Walk with me.”
He waited until they were out of earshot of others, before turning to her. Noelle sniffled, rubbing underneath her eyes, and wiping her nose with a cloth handkerchief.
“How can that be? Sister Beatrice informed me that she approved your application to adopt. I thought you would be overjoyed?”
Noelle nodded, sniffling. “I am—I was, I mean. But you don’t understand; it was the way I obtained the approval. What I did to get approved. I am a horrible human being, Pastor.”
He placed a hand on her shoulder. “Slow down, and take a deep breath.”
“I came to ask for your forgiveness. Last night, I lied to them—to Sister Beatrice and Mr. Banks and the other sister. I told them that my friend was Henry, and that we’d been married for years.” It all came spilling from her tear-soaked, lie-telling mouth. “I had booked an appointment a long time ago, and it seemed to have slipped my mind. Beatrice asked about Henry, and in a moment of pure panic I told them that my friend who’d been visiting me was him. I told them he was my husband.”
“Forgive me if I sound a bit brash, but why would you do that, dear child?”
“Because I am desperate; I am so desperate to have a child, to adopt Carol, that I panicked and lied to be able to make that happen. They would never let me adopt her if they knew I was without a husband, Pastor. You know how this society is, how harsh it becomes toward unmarried women. How would I ever have gotten that chance to adopt her if I hadn’t lied about it?” She looked at him, clutching at his arm as the desperation to make him understand took over.
“I have no means of work, no income, I have a ranch that needs running, and I have no husband to provide solutions for any of those problems. Tell me how that would’ve convinced Beatrice of my ability to care for Carol? Because I cannot. All I see is a woman who has once again been thrown into the deep end, and in her attempt to claw herself out, was desperate enough to sin to achieve what she needed. I feel like a failure, like a horrible and immoral person.”
Pastor Sam made soothing noises as she broke down, rubbing her upper back in an attempt to stave off the sadness making a mess of her. He looked at her with pity, making that guilt swell like a balloon having air constantly added to it until it finally popped.
“I do not agree with what you have done, my friend. But I also do not forsake or judge you for it—just as God does not forsake you for it. We are all sinners, and we all have moments of weakness where sin might seem like the easier and faster route to getting what we want.” His voice was soothing, calm, and collected. “It is nothing but a weak moment you’ve had, and there is no shame in having a weakness. My advice to you, my friend, is to pray for forgiveness and guidance in this trying time. The forgiveness for your soul, and the guidance for what it is you need to do about the situation you have put yourself in.”
“What if God does not forgive me? What if this is my punishment? What if he takes Carol away from me completely as a lesson for my greed and deceit?” Noelle was distraught, her blue eyes devoid of any of the joy she’d expressed just this morning. Before Nicholas had come charging in with reality and ruined it for her. Well, not ruined, but made her realize just what exactly she’d done and made her wonder how she was going to fix it.
“Our God is not without forgiveness, Noelle. He understands us better than we will ever be able to grasp—he is our creator after all. He does not punish, he redirects you onto the path he has set out for you. And I am sorry, my friend, but if that means that Carol is to be taken away then you have to trust Him. This is all hard to hear, I know,” he continued, placing a hand on her arm in tender support and consolation. “But you have to believe that He has a plan that stretches far above our comprehension. You also have to believe in His ability to forgive, and that forgiveness starts within yourself. He knew what you were going to do before you did it, which means that you have been forgiven far before you ever contemplated sinning. But you will only start to feel the relief that comes with forgiveness once you extend that forgiveness to yourself.”
While she was a tad bit hysterical, Noelle thought she understood what he meant. She always knew to count on him, that he would provide comfort and guidance when someone needed it most, especially in their darkest moment when they needed the reassurance of God’s love for them to keep them going—no matter what matter of sin they might have indulged in. She wiped her tears, walking beside Pastor Sam as he guided her back to her wagon.
“All will be well, Noelle. Pray about this and have faith. God is never absent from your life, so do not be absent from Him.”