Noelle was riding a high that she had never thought possible. Her lips were still tingling from where Nicholas had kissed her so passionately. It hadn’t been like any of the kisses they’d exchanged thus far. It had been a claiming and a declaration all in one. He had sealed their unification with a kiss that was a promise in itself, one that had left her breathless still at that very moment. Noelle glanced at the man riding beside her, astride River and looking more than a little happy with himself. She gingerly touched her lips, a small smile appearing as she replayed the scene in her head.
She couldn’t explain the thoughts that had gone through her head as they’d exchanged vows, and he’d stared so deeply into her eyes, she’d almost fainted with emotion. Before they’d gotten to the church, her mind had been full of regrets and what-ifs that had consumed and ruined every moment for her up until Pastor Sam had announced he would marry them.
But when she’d spied the church, and she’d realized what was happening, an overwhelming amount of joy and anticipation had flooded her. Suddenly, there was no more doubt, no more worry, no more pain and sadness and utter hopelessness. When she’d spotted the church, and looked at the man riding beside her, Noelle had felt true happiness, outside of her memories with Carol, for the first time in a long time.
It was when he’d grasped her hands and slid the ring on her finger, that she’d truly realized that she’d wanted this. Although she felt like she robbed him, she also felt like she was right where she was meant to be. Love had made her heart skip a beat as he’d leaned in for the kiss, stealing her breath and made her dizzy with absolute and unconditional love.
Perhaps Noelle had known for a while now that she’d fallen in love with him, and perhaps she’d been scared to face the reality of it all. But she knew for a fact now, that Nicholas Birch was possibly the love of her life.
Maybe he’d been sent to her in the darkest hour of her life, as a message and a blessing from the Lord that her struggling days were over. And he had come exactly when she needed him, when she was so far down the road of despair, that she had seen no end in sight, no white knight that would rescue her from the dragon that was her very own life.
But here he was, in the flesh, healing her shattered heart with every laugh, every kind word or gesture, every teaching moment he shared with Carol, every wink or grin he sent her way, and every single soft kiss he placed upon her lips. She was not naive enough to think Nicholas saved her—she saved herself. But he was there helping her every step of the way, and for that she’d be eternally grateful.
Noelle thought of that night she’d broken down in front of him after she’d burned her hand, spilling all of the secrets she’d kept tucked so closely to her heart, they’d started poisoning it. She supposed it was that night when she’d first started realizing the future she might have wanted with Nicholas. He’d listened so carefully, and he’d sat there for hours with her until she’d calmed down, until she’d gotten every horrible memory out of her system. Not once did he interrupt or silence her, and not once did judge her for the horrible thoughts she’d shared with him. He hadn’t even batted an eye when she’d told him she’d brought upon Henry’s death, and hadn’t even mourned him.
As if he felt her stare like a physical touch, Nicholas’ head turned, his eyes meeting hers. Both of them inhaled sharply, his eyes flicking to the ruby ring on her finger briefly before returning to hers again. There was devotion in those whiskey brown depths, and what she hoped was the same as what she felt—love. Of course, she might have felt the emotion in his kiss, but it could also have been the intensity of the moment and the act that they were performing that could have messed with her mind. Whichever way, however, Noelle was happy. And from the way his eyes sparkled, she could see Nicholas was as well.
Pastor Sam brought the wagon to a stop right at the side of his sprawling home, the draft horse at the front huffing and stomping his ginormous paw on the snow-carpeted ground. Snowflakes fell as much as they did earlier, blanketing the trees around them, and coming to rest at the top of their heads. Sam jumped off the side, keeping hold of the reins lest his horses decide to take her on a little road trip.
Noelle gripped the lip of the wagon, her foot searching for grip when Nicholas’ hands suddenly gripped her at the waist, effortlessly lifting her off the wagon and setting her gently on the ground. She glanced up at him, his hands still at her waist, and fought the urge to kiss him again. In fact, it was all she’d been thinking about since that passionate kiss that had sealed their marriage. Marriage, Noelle thought, realizing not for the first time what they’d done. Her lips parted in a smile, mirrored by one of Nicholas’ own, and they took just a moment to stare into each other’s eyes.
Nicholas shifted on his feet, pulling Noelle closer as his gaze dipped to her lips. He lowered his head slowly, his lips so achingly close to hers, when Pastor Sam suddenly cleared his throat. Noelle pulled away, blushing furiously. She’d forgotten he was here, so caught up in Nicholas and his distracting kisses that she’d lost track of what was going on around her.
I think we should go rouse Carol,” Noelle said quickly, tucking now-loose strands of hair behind her ears. Snowflakes fell from the locks as she did, decorating her coat. Nicholas extended an arm for her to go first, placing a hand on her lower back as they went. He was always there, not too far behind, just in case she needed it. Noelle didn’t know how she hadn’t seen it before, but she was thankful for his presence. She knew he would always be at her back, for protection and support, forever.
They entered the house as quietly as they could, the front door only creaking slightly as they slipped inside, away from the relentless cold that was slowly eating away at the warmth her coat provided. She was also sure one of her fingers was about two seconds away from frostbite, which was not a welcome thought. The house was deathly silent, no sign of anyone having been roused from sleep by their loudness, and especially no curious Carol bounding down the stairs to ask what all the commotion was about—Noelle was especially relieved at the last one.
She pointed a finger up at the stairs, tilting her head to let Sam and Nicholas know she was going to get Carol. They nodded in unison, Pastor Sam already unbuttoning his heavy cloak and draped it over one of the chairs at the small round breakfast table. She wondered how many times they used it since there were only four chairs, and about what seemed to be a hundred of their kids.
Noelle inched her way upstairs, hand gliding over the smooth, white-painted wooden banister. Her boots thudded quietly on the plush carpet Katherine had laid over them, and she wondered if she could get away with sneaking Carol out without waking the others up. She just knew Katherine would have her hide if she woke one of the kids up, because there was no way they’d go back to sleep—meaning Katherine had an all-nighter waiting for her.
Noelle strode to the end of the hall and stopped at the door on the left, right across from the main bedroom where Katherine was blissfully asleep judging by the lack of noise. Well, except for some light snoring that made Noelle have to muffle her laughter. She turned the round golden knob quietly, pushing the door open to reveal Carol soundly asleep next to one of Katherine’s daughters. Apparently, they’d made them a huge Christmas bed down with two beds pushed together, what seemed to be a million pillows, and a heap of blankets that made the whole thing look like a cloud. Carol laid at the end of the bed on the right side, right by the door where it was easy for Noelle to reach her.
She glanced around the room in search of the cream rucksack she’d packed for her, the bag stuffed in the corner of the room right by the armchair stacked with toys and dolls and clothes. Noelle reached for it, slinging it over her shoulder before she crouched beside the bed, laying her hand softly on Carol’s arm so as not to startle her. She shook the girl gently, stifling a giggle as Carol’s little arms shot up in a stretch almost immediately.
Her eyes shot open, confusion twisting her face as she looked around the room. Noelle smiled at her, whispering softly. “Come on, honeybee, we have to go home.”
The words struck a chord in her heart, a spear of fear and emotion threatening to level her to the ground right where she sat. The girl’s eyes fell closed again, her mouth going slack as she went right back to sleep. Noelle took the moment to center herself, swiping at the tears that had escaped.
Fear gripped her heart like a vise, and uncertainty made her nauseous. If Beatrice took Carol tomorrow, Noelle wasn’t sure what she would do. It would absolutely shatter her, break the last bit of her that she had spent so long nurturing and keeping safe. It would undo all of the healing Carol and Nicholas had unwittingly helped her with. It would destroy the last of her hope, and Carol would take the pieces of it with her.
She swallowed, rousing the girl again. She finally awoke, smiling softly when she saw Noelle. She motioned for the girl to follow, slinging the bag over her shoulder, and inching out of the room softly. They closed the door with a nick, disturbing nothing but the small dusting of snow on the floor.
At home, Noelle was seated, Nicholas was fixing them a cup of tea, and Carol was once again fast asleep in her bedroom upstairs. They were tired, but Noelle couldn’t find sleep, not when her mind was running rampant with memories made, and the possibility of memories unable to be made starting tomorrow if their plan didn’t work. Knots in her stomach, Noelle accepted the cup of herbal tea that Nicholas handed to her, smiling gratefully before she returned her stare to the crackling fire.
He sat across from her, close enough for support, but far enough to grant her the space she needed to sort the thoughts in her mind. Her mind wandered to the first day she’d met Carol, the memory seeking an outlet, pressing against her teeth. So she let it out.
“The first day I met Carol, she wouldn’t come out of the house, because she thought I wouldn’t like her because of her scars.” Noelle said, Nicholas shifting his body to hers, intently listening. “But after some convincing, she finally came out. We bonded instantly, talking about all sorts of things for the hour and a half that I was allowed to visit. I tried with some of the other kids, but it just didn’t feel as special as my bond with her.”
Nicholas took a sip, eyes set on her, his gaze burning on her cheek as she stared into the fire, letting the memory wash over her.
“But when I got home, and I told Henry about it. He didn’t want to adopt a girl, and he told me it was a boy or nothing.” Noelle swallowed. “It absolutely shattered my heart when he said that, and I felt like my dreams had been crushed all over again, like they had been every time I’d had to grieve and bury my unborn children.”
A warm hand covered hers as salty tears spilled over her cheeks, Nicholas’ strength seeping into her chilled skin like his warmth did.
“It felt like he’d robbed me from a family I never got to have, one I’d thought possible when I saw Carol step out that front door. And then Henry had died, and I’d been able to adopt Carol, and I’d experienced real unadulterated joy for the first time in a long time.” Noelle smiled, a sad sort of nostalgia creeping in. “My time with Carol had made up for years of unhappiness, replacing every bad memory in this house with one of her playing, singing, laughing, running, and breaking something.”
Noelle laughed, Nicholas following suit, as she continued. “I am so incredibly happy, Nicholas. With you and Carol in my life, I feel like God has finally blessed me, and that it was finally my turn to experience the type of happiness I’d only heard of in stories.”
She was crying fully now, tears of sadness or happiness, she didn’t know. “But now, that happiness is threatened again. I am once again about to lose the greatest love I have ever known, and I cannot help but feel like I am being punished for something.”
Nicholas took a seat beside her now, pulling her into his embrace. He was warm and solid, a wall of flesh that she could lean against when she got weary. His breathing was even, like a lullaby to her ragged heartbeat that was trying to force blood through her icy limbs. She leaned deeper into him, as if she could absorb his strength.
“Nicholas?”
“Mhm,” he murmured, and Noelle looked up at him. His eyes were shuttered, so she could not gauge his emotions thoroughly. But she asked anyway,
“Do you think us getting married is going to work? That Beatrice will let Carol stay?”
He was silent for a moment, contemplative. He scratched his chin where her hair tickled him, his eyes settled on the fire in front of them before meeting hers. “I hope so, honey. I pray it’ll be enough.”
They fell silent, staring at the flames and the crackling wood. Nicholas held her when she started crying, silent tears rolling down her cheeks and into the hem of her dress. She snuggled deeper when it got colder, both of them too comfortable to throw more wood on the fire. They held each other on the sofa until dawn peeked through the windows at them, bringing with it a morning of what-ifs and maybes.