Watching Her Husband, My Brother

Okay, Sue, here it is. I’ve read it over, and it is a little painful. Isn’t it hard for you to read these? To the best of my recollection, this is how I felt.

I’m writing this as an extended family member who was affected by your suicide attempts and depression. I am married to your brother and am aware of the close bond you two share, and how important that is to him.

I’ll begin at the time when he received the phone call telling him that you had tried to kill yourself. After hearing this, he called me in a frantic and distressed state. I listened dumbfounded, unable to offer any comfort. I was worried about you, worried about him, worried about the effects on your father and siblings.

Your family responded immediately—the enormity of the situation and the volatile emotional state that you were in created a sense of urgency. I remember at that time experiencing an unusual mix of emotions—fear, guilt, aggravation, and sadness—and the resulting fatigue that followed.

I had conflicting feelings toward you. I was unable to comprehend the depths of your despair. I was afraid at any moment you would kill yourself, and I was afraid of the aftermath. It was unclear to me how much control you had, and I began to question your motives.

I began to sense a barrier between us. I felt awkward and ineffective, not knowing what to say or how to respond. Also at this time I experienced some hostility toward you. I could see the effects your condition had on my husband, whom I love deeply. I was angry at you for causing him so much anxiety and stress. Being a parent, I could identify with the anguish your father felt. It was a tumultuous time for our family.

The tragedy is, at a time when you needed support and understanding from me, I was pulling away from you. Looking back, it is clear to me why I responded to you in that way, but it remains sad and unsettling. Now I think of where you are, and I am so pleased and proud. Our relationship is strong, and I consider you a friend and a sister.

In hindsight, I now have a better understanding of your struggle and, in turn, have been reminded of my own shortcomings during this crisis.

—SUBMITTED BY MY SISTER-IN-LAW AND FRIEND JULIE, NOVEMBER 2000