It amazed me when we discussed your most recent suicide gesture because I had completely spaced it out. I guess that puts me in the category of having been shocked and disbelieving.
What comes back to me now is how powerless I felt. I did know I could tell you I loved you and cared for you. I think the thing that was most amazing to me about talking with you then was how different you sounded and seemed. Your description of yourself as disconnected seems perfect. You seemed completely out of the moment.
I never felt anger toward you, just compassion. I was, however, scared for you. I have known you for about nine years, and I consider you one of my closest and most trusted friends.
I don’t think my treatment of you changed as a result of your gesture. It did help me to realize how much we all need each other and how important it is to be present for friends who are struggling. We have always been this for each other, and I value that greatly.
As for how I have seen you change, here is what I’ve noticed: You built yourself a network of friends to support you. You still hit lows, but you don’t stay in them. You empower yourself rather than view yourself as a victim. You ask for help. You give yourself permission not to be perfect, to have downtime, to have uptime, to be authentic. You have great willingness to learn about yourself, and you are one of the most honest people I know.
I guess the most important of these from my perspective is your recognizing that you are a powerful woman with choices; you can advocate for yourself.
What would I like to say to a suicidal reader? You are a miracle—God doesn’t make junk! You’re not alone, even though you may feel that way now. There is love all around you. Life is one day at a time, one moment at a time.
As for their loved ones . . . it’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to feel powerless. It’s okay to not have the answers. The greatest gift we have is our love, and that is enough.
—SUBMITTED BY MY FRIEND JEFF, JANUARY 2001