Words

What I Heard Versus What I Needed to Hear

I don’t let my mouth say nothin’ my head can’t stand.

—LOUIS ARMSTRONG

The following excerpt is from a sermon I gave on suicide in 1996. It is a responsive reading between myself and the congregation. I spoke the words I often heard from certain family members and friends when I was struggling emotionally. The congregation spoke the words I needed to hear. I suggest that you read all of it aloud, and let yourself feel the difference between each set of sentences.

SUE: What is wrong with you?

CONGREGATION: I hear you. Do you want to talk about it?

SUE: Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

CONGREGATION: I hear you and I feel concerned. How can I help?

SUE: But you have so much going for you!

CONGREGATION: I believe in you. How can I help?

SUE: I just don’t understand you!

CONGREGATION: I’m here for you. What do you need from me?

SUE: Why can’t you forget about it?

CONGREGATION: I know it’s hard, and I hear you. Would it help to talk about it?

SUE: Come on, it’s not that bad.

CONGREGATION: I hear your pain. Is there anything I can do?

SUE: Don’t you know I love you?

CONGREGATION: I love you.

Well, that just about sums it up right there. I feel sad just to read it. So sad for the girl who just needed to be heard and feel loved. So sad indeed.

I’ve divided this section into the “whys,” “whats,” “shoulds and shouldn’ts,” “don’ts,” and “can’ts,” with a few miscellaneous comments thrown in at the end. First I list the question or comment that didn’t work, then I give an alternative. Read each sentence aloud. Do they sound familiar? Please try to use the alternatives especially when dealing with someone who is depressed or in crisis. That person needs to feel heard and accepted rather than judged or ignored.

Notice in the alternative wording that “you” is quite often changed to “I.” Feel the difference.

THE WHYS

ALTERNATIVES

WHY do you keep doing this to yourself?

How can I help?

WHY do you make things so hard?

I hear you. What can I do?

WHY can’t you snap out of it?

I understand you’re in pain. How can I help?

WHY can’t you let it go?

You are important to me. What can I do to help?

WHY do you have to make such a big deal out of everything?

I love you.

THE WHATS

ALTERNATIVES

WHAT is wrong with you?

I love you. Do you need anything from me?

WHAT do you want from me?

How can I best help you?

WHAT’S gotten into you lately?

I’ve noticed a change. Is everything all right? Is there anything I can do?

THE SHOULDS AND SHOULDN’TS

ALTERNATIVES

Basically, “should-ing” on someone is bad news all around.

Try to avoid it.

You SHOULD think better of yourself.

You are important to me.

You SHOULDN’T feel that way.

I honor your feelings.

You SHOULDN’T think like that.

I’d like to know what you’re thinking.

You SHOULD try harder.

How can I best support you?

THE DON’TS

ALTERNATIVES

DON’T feel that way!

I honor your feelings.

DON’T think that way.

Would you like to tell me about it?

DON’T you see how much you’ve got going for you?

I love you and I feel concerned. Would it help if I sat and listened for a while?

DON’T do this to yourself.

You are important to me. It’s hard to see you go through this. Can I help in any way?

THE CAN’TS

ALTERNATIVES

CAN’T you get over it?

Would it help to talk about it?

CAN’T you see what this does to me?

I care for you and feel concerned.

CAN’T you see what this is doing to our family?

We are all concerned about you. Let us know what we can do.

CAN’T you forget about it?

I know it’s hard. How can I help you get through it?

MISCELLANY

ALTERNATIVES

You’re too emotional.

I appreciate your sensitivity. How can I help?

You know what your problem is?

I believe in you. You are important to me.

I just don’t understand you!

I care, and I feel confused. Do you know what might help?

Cheer up.

I hear you.

Notice that most of the alternative comments give the power of choice to the suicidal thinker: “How can I help?” “What can I do?” “What do you need from me?” Notice also that, instead of denying the person her feelings with statements like “Don’t feel like that” or “Come on, it’s not that bad,” the listener is honoring the suicidal thinker and remaining open to her experience. When you are more open to her, she is likely to be more open with you. Your openness creates a safe environment in which she can air feelings and thoughts. Once I found people who could really hear me, I was able to start the unraveling process and examine the tangled knot of feelings under my suicidal thoughts.

Here are some conversation guidelines from professional suicide prevention organizations:

  • Don’t be afraid to talk about suicide.
  • Be direct. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide.
  • Don’t dare the person talking about suicide to do it. This “common remedy” could have fatal results.
  • Offer hope that alternatives are available, but do not offer glib reassurance. It may make him feel as if you don’t understand.
  • Your willingness to discuss it will show the person that you don’t condemn him for having such thoughts. Ask questions about how he feels and about the reasons for those feelings.
  • Don’t worry that your discussion will encourage him to go through with a suicide plan. On the contrary, it will help him to know that someone is willing to be a friend. It may save his life.
  • Remind the person, in a nonjudgmental way, that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. (“I know life feels really hard right now, and I understand that you’re in pain. I know you’ll get through this; we’ll get through it together. How can I help?”)
  • Don’t try to end the discussion or offer advice such as “Think about how much better off you are than most people. You should [there’s that word!] appreciate how lucky you are.” Such comments only make the suicidal person feel more guilty, worthless, and hopeless than before.
  • Be quiet and listen! People who have suicidal thoughts don’t want answers or solutions. They want a safe place to express their fears and anxieties and to be themselves. (See the “Listening Well” section for suggestions.)

Delivery and Timing

Whoever said “timing is everything” was absolutely right. Even the kindest thought can get skewed on delivery if the person speaking it is stressed, angry, tired, or overloaded.

In my experience as a suicidal thinker, I felt safer with a person who spoke clearly and calmly, with an even tone and a soft expression. The minute voices got sharp or eye contact started to fade, I felt nervous and on the edge of rejection. I’d tighten inside, my heart would start to race, and I’d clam up, shutting out the person who was trying to talk to me (and shutting myself out in the process).

When you begin to talk about the suicidal situation, try to be on the same physical level with the suicidal thinker. For example, if she begins to talk while seated at the kitchen table and you are standing up, looking down at her, take a seat and look her evenly in the eye. If you walk into his bedroom and he is lying on the bed, pull a chair over and sit down by his side instead of standing over him.

It helps to talk about intense feelings in a neutral place—not during a meal or in front of a lot of people. Set time aside. Go for a walk together.

It’s best to eliminate distractions such as television or radio. The person confiding in you will feel rejected and invalidated if your attention swerves to catch a guy stealing third. Most likely he’ll walk away, saying, “Oh, it was nothing. Forget about it,” and he will leave, feeling sadder and even more frustrated. What is more important? The score of a ball game or his life? One of my chief competitors for my father’s attention was TV sporting events. One day I got up the nerve to ask him to turn the TV off when I needed to talk, and he did. It brings tears to my eyes to remember the first time he turned it off without my prompting. I walked into the den, stood in the doorway, and said, “Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?” “Sure,” he said, “just let me turn off the television.”

Another suggestion: when talking with a suicidal thinker, do just that—talk with her, not at her. Keep your statements focused on yourself. “I feel concerned. How can I help?” “I love you. What do you need from me?” By using “I” instead of “you,” you are less apt to say something that can be misconstrued as blame or shame. Remember, tunnel vision has severely narrowed her mental focus. Anything you say needs to be clear and direct.

Try to talk about other subjects, steering clear of the “whys,” “don’ts,” “shoulds,” and so on. Try to point out positive things you notice about him, without being overzealous. For example: “I really appreciate how you were with the kids yesterday. You relate to them so well,” or “I like how you arranged the table setting. It looks beautiful.” Anything to boost his self-esteem is great—remember to keep it positive. Instead of saying, “Don’t you know how talented you are!” say, “I think you’re so talented. I love the way you play the piano.” Keep it soft, direct.

Sometimes you’ll need to be not only clear and direct but firm. When I really tested the waters, Sylvia offered me very few options. If I didn’t sign the personal safety contract, I had to go to the hospital. If I didn’t call her for my scheduled check-in, she called the police. She didn’t mess around.

Here are some more guidelines from the experts:

  • Lectures don’t help. Nor does a suggestion to “cheer up,” or an easy assurance that “everything will be okay.”
  • Don’t analyze, compare, categorize, or criticize.
  • Rejection can make a problem seem ten times worse. Having someone to turn to makes all the difference.
  • Ask questions gently; don’t interrogate.
  • Ask the person whether he has considered a method of suicide, made any specific plans, or taken any steps toward carrying out those plans, such as getting hold of some means of suicide. But don’t act shocked, since this will put distance between the two of you. Stay calm.
  • Don’t change the subject, and don’t pity or patronize. Talking about feelings is difficult. People who have suicidal thoughts don’t want to be rushed or put on the defensive.
  • Be nonjudgmental. Don’t debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or feelings are good or bad. Don’t lecture on the value of life.

Expressing Your Feelings

I will remember that my words can help or hinder. I will benefit from using soft words today.

—IN GOD’S CARE, SEPTEMBER 14

Being a suicidal thinker is a catch-22. Instead of masking their feelings, I wanted people to be up front with me, so I could feel a part of their experience—so I wouldn’t feel alone in mine. But when they told me how they felt, depending on how I felt, my response was usually anger, shame, or embarrassment, none of which would have been a problem had it not been for my suicidal thoughts. They were understandably concerned about “setting me off.” See my brother’s letter in part 4. (I’ve been on the other side of a suicide conversation many times, so I know what it’s like to be afraid of pushing someone over the edge.)

Being honest about our feelings is important, not only to connect with the suicidal thinker but to let them know the impact of their behavior on our lives. The trick is to do it without casting blame or shame. For example, avoid “You make . . .” statements: “You make me feel so afraid!” “You make me feel crazy!” “You make me feel nervous.” No one can “make” us feel anything. If we feel it, it’s because of something within us, not the other person. Remember to use “I” statements: “I feel scared,” “I feel afraid that you might hurt yourself,” “I feel concerned.”

Preface your expression of feeling with something like “I love you.” Begin the discussion by stating something positive about the other person, perhaps a quality you admire. This helps take her off the defensive. End the discussion with another positive statement.

* * *

It’s vitally important that you find avenues of self-expression elsewhere. Get it out. Let it out. Find a place to vent the anger, fear, and frustration. Find people who are going through similar situations and listen to how they’re dealing with it. If you can do this, there will be less built-up tension in your interactions with the suicidal thinker.

TIPS FOR EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS ELSEWHERE

  • Talk to a therapist on your own.
  • Meet with a member of the clergy for spiritual guidance and comfort.
  • Find a support group to attend.
  • Read part 3 and find some exercises to practice.
  • Pray about your feelings.
  • Write your feelings and thoughts down in a journal.
  • Be open about your feelings with trusted friends.
  • Talk openly with your spouse or companion.
  • Get anger and frustration out of your body (see the “HALT” chapter in part 3).

Here is some additional advice from the experts:

  • Many people find it awkward to put into words how another person’s life is important for their own well-being, but it is important to try to do just that.
  • Describe specific behaviors and events that trouble you. Noting particular ways in which a person’s behavior has changed may help to get a dialogue started. (Remember, however, to avoid the “whys,” “shoulds,” and so on. Instead of saying, “Why are you acting so strange? Why don’t you take a shower?” say, “I feel concerned about you. I’ve noticed that you haven’t been showering. Is there something wrong? Can I help?”)

Acknowledging Their Pain

Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain is the touchstone of spiritual progress.

—BILL W.

Pain is a hard thing. It can be hard to hear about; it’s even harder to experience. It’s even more difficult to be in pain when people tell you not to feel it. The suicidal thinker is in extreme mental pain. You must acknowledge it; it needs to be heard. Acknowledging the pain of a suicidal thinker is like giving her permission to breathe.

According to Dr. Shneidman, “psychache” is directly linked to frustrated psychological needs. One of my frustrated psychological needs was the need for people to acknowledge my pain. I had very few places to go with it save inward because I was taught it was wrong to feel and express.

First of all, every individual has a unique version of reality, based on her past and personality development. How can anyone know what another person should feel about a given situation? Telling a depressed person not to feel sad is like asking a color-blind person to find you a red shirt. It just won’t happen. Moreover, if the suicidal thinker is anything like I was, she will raise the stakes and stir up more chaos the more her pain is denied, ignored, dismissed, or belittled.

I am convinced that people find it difficult to acknowledge someone else’s pain because they don’t or won’t acknowledge their own. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling pain. It’s a part of life, like joy and excitement. It’s neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. It just is.

How to acknowledge someone’s pain. What I’m talking about is simply acknowledging—not fixing, changing, or helping. This is all you have to do:

  1. Look her straight in the eye.
  2. Hold her hand if it’s okay with her. If it’s not, don’t force it. Just smile.
  3. Say in a loving, soft, nonjudgmental voice, “I hear your pain and I care.”

That’s it.

Experts point out that suicidal ideation is frequently accompanied by a self-absorbed, uncommunicative, and withdrawn state of mind, and the individual may be reluctant to discuss what he is thinking. Nevertheless, it’s important to express empathy and concern, and to acknowledge the reality of his pain and hopelessness.

Speaking from Love

Love doesn’t grow on trees like apples in Eden—it’s something you have to make.

—JOYCE CAREY

It’s interesting and sad to note that in all of the literature I’ve read thus far about suicide prevention, the word “love” is hardly ever used. What I mean is that the actual word “love” is rarely suggested as something the suicidal thinker might need to hear. I find that interesting; our reason for wanting our loved ones to stay alive is because we love them. If you love someone, I suggest that you tell that person before you lose the chance. Hearing your expression of love could mean the difference between life and death.

It’s so sad that expressing love and affection is such an awkward thing in our culture. I wish there were an incentive plan or something: “Get a tax refund if you attend this self-expression course!” People need to know they are loved, especially suicidal thinkers. Here’s how to do it:

EXERCISE: EXPRESSING LOVE

  1. Look him straight in the eye.
  2. Hold his hand, if it’s okay with him. If it’s not, don’t force it. Just smile.
  3. Say in a loving, soft, nonjudgmental voice, “I love you.”