The guard’s whistle sliced through the cold February air and with a reluctant jolt, the train pulled away. In its backdraught, the three friends stood shivering on the platform watching their dream holiday disappear without them. Not one of them looked upset about it.
Phoebe had spent the last few days dreading going away with Helen and more especially Julia and she was relieved to be off the train. They were still talking about the possibility of resuming their journey in a couple of days, but no one spoke with any real enthusiasm and in the unlikely event that Helen and Julia did want to try again, Phoebe knew she wouldn’t be going with them. She could feel the anger radiating from Helen, and it had only intensified once she realized that Paul hadn’t only cheated on a loving wife, but a pregnant one at that.
However, it wasn’t Helen’s fury that pained Phoebe most but rather the expression of pure delight on Julia’s face. Her friend was wearing a broad grin that would soon be making her cheeks ache as she pulled out her mobile and checked her messages.
‘How about I go and buy our tickets home,’ Phoebe offered.
‘No need,’ Julia said. ‘Paul’s already on his way. He should be here within the hour.’
‘He’s eager,’ said Helen.
‘I know, and he hasn’t even asked why we’re coming home, thank God.’
Helen gave Phoebe a meaningful look to add to the barrage she had already directed towards her, leaving Phoebe all the more determined to get away from her friends as soon as she could. She didn’t know what would happen after that. Even if they could keep the secret from one of her best friends, she couldn’t imagine being able to repair her relationship with the other. She didn’t blame Helen for hating her, she hated herself. What the hell had she done?
‘He’s in for a shock,’ Helen said, ‘and I can’t wait to see his face when you tell him.’
Phoebe was horrified at the idea. ‘We can’t be there!’
Helen began dragging her suitcase along the platform. ‘We’re hardly going to disappear with all this baggage. Besides, we’ve been part of this journey too. I think we should be there.’
Ignoring the next glare directed her way, Phoebe turned to Julia. ‘You don’t want us around when you tell him, do you?’
Julia was lagging behind as she juggled her hand luggage and suitcase. ‘Helen has a point: you are both a part of this. But,’ she added, ‘I don’t want the news going any further. Getting pregnant is only the first step. We’ve a long way to go yet.’
‘Should you be pulling that?’ Phoebe said with a note of concern that surprised her. No one had been at hand to take care of her when she had been carrying Paul’s child, but she refused to feel resentful. She cared too much about Julia, and Paul too for that matter, not to want this for them. It wasn’t that long ago that she had convinced herself that the break-up of Julia’s marriage was inevitable and, if she was brutally honest, it was something she might briefly have hoped for. But the baby was a game changer, and while it would break her heart for more reasons than she could yet fully appreciate, it would make two of the most important people in her life blissfully happy and she had to be happy about that.
‘I’m no different than I was this morning when I dragged it into the station,’ Julia said. ‘Now come on, let’s find a café and take the weight off our feet.’
‘Yes, you are waddling a bit,’ Helen confirmed.
They headed straight for a coffee shop and while Helen and Julia debated over what was the ideal refreshment for a mother-to-be, Phoebe made her excuses and headed for the toilets. She didn’t bother going into a cubicle, she was only interested in checking her phone. She had felt it vibrating in her bag shortly after Julia had sent Paul the first text message, but she couldn’t look at it with Helen watching her every move. There was no need to guess who it would be from.
Have you told her about us?
What was she supposed to say to that? She couldn’t explain to Paul the real reason why the holiday had been called off. She considered telling him not to worry and suggesting he erase her number from his phone, but she didn’t get the chance.
‘Sending a message to Paul by any chance?’ Helen said, catching a glimpse of the phone Phoebe had tried to palm when she heard the door open.
Phoebe had no strength left to evade the truth. ‘He thinks I’ve told Julia about us.’
Helen’s features were as cold and unfeeling as the tiled floor. None of her usual jokes or quips were ready on her lips to dispel the frosty atmosphere. ‘What did you tell him?’
‘I haven’t replied yet.’
‘Well, don’t. It’ll do him good to stew in his own juices for a while.’
‘Helen, I’m sorry. Can’t we at least try to recover from this?’
‘No,’ she said simply. ‘I honestly can’t see a way past this. Maybe if I had Julia to talk to she might offer some sage advice, but oh no, I can’t do that, can I? What I’m really struggling to understand, Phoebe, is how you can go from being the kind of person who always put her friends and family before herself, to …’ She shook her head, not prepared to describe the person standing in front of her. ‘The only thing I am sure of right now is that, God forgive me, we keep it from Julia. This is her moment, the one that’s been eating her up for the last two years and brought her marriage to the brink. She’s having a baby and nothing else matters.’
‘It’s a shame you never gave me the same consideration.’
‘Sorry?’
‘You didn’t just kill a relationship when you told Paul to keep away from me.’
Helen was shaking her head as if Phoebe had lost her senses. She couldn’t begin to imagine the damage she had inadvertently caused, or perhaps she didn’t want to.
‘Do I need to spell it out, Helen?’ Phoebe asked. ‘I was pregnant.’
There was a moment when it felt like the world had stopped turning and time slowed until Helen let out a gasp. ‘No!’
Phoebe remained silent and still. She didn’t need to fill in the gaps; Helen could work it out for herself.
‘Jesus, Phoebe, why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Truthfully?’ Phoebe warned. ‘I knew what you’d say. You were hardly the poster girl for teenage pregnancy, were you? You never stopped complaining about how it had wrecked your life. Nan wouldn’t even enter into a debate about me keeping it, and thanks to you I didn’t have Paul to turn to. Maybe if I’d let Julia back into my life a little earlier she might have been a better ally. Who knows?’
‘You wanted to keep it?’
A sudden rush of emotion made Phoebe feel sick and tears stung her eyes when she said, ‘How could I have looked after a baby?’
‘But you wanted it?’ Helen asked, determined to get a direct answer.
‘Yes! Yes, I wanted the baby,’ Phoebe cried, shocking them both by her answer. ‘But I’ve spent the last eleven years trying to convince myself that I would have made a mess of it just like mum did, that my baby would have felt resented instead of loved.’ Phoebe shook her head. ‘But I would have loved my baby, Helen, and of all the things I regret, that’s the thing I regret the most. Not what I might have had with Paul, but what I might have had with my baby if only I’d been given the chance.’
Helen’s furrowed brow gave away the emotions she was wrestling with, but her words when they came remained harsh. ‘I’m sorry, Phoebe, but none of that excuses what you’ve been doing with Paul.’
‘Do you think I don’t know that, Helen? It was a mistake and we both knew that as soon as it happened. You have no idea how sorry I am about it and if I could go back and change things I would. You and Julia are the closest thing I have to family left and I don’t want to lose you. We will get past this, we have to,’ she insisted. ‘You said it yourself, we have to pretend everything is all right for Julia’s sake.’
‘And I think that’s the point,’ Helen said and to her credit there was more pain than anger in her voice now. ‘It will be pretending.’
When they returned to the café, Helen took the seat closest to Julia. She was still reeling from the snatched conversation with Phoebe, and wished she had never followed her into the ladies. She had been carried along by a crimson tide of fury but Phoebe had turned it against her. For years Helen had felt justified in her actions, and even though Paul had turned out to be a decent and honourable man – excepting recent events of course – her conscience had remained clear. She and Julia had been acting with the best intentions at the time, convinced that they were protecting Phoebe from herself as much as the predator they perceived Paul to be. Little had she known that it was Phoebe’s so-called friends that she had needed protecting from the most.
‘She’s lonely,’ Helen had told Julia all those years ago when she had turned to her for advice. ‘What’s the harm in her having a bit of fun?’
‘If that’s the advice you’re giving her then I’m more worried than I was before. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s followed your example and headed straight into trouble.’
Her friend had a point so Helen hadn’t argued. ‘She’s actually admitted she envies me. God knows why!’
‘Do you think she’d deliberately get pregnant?’
‘Personally, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to get pregnant, but I suppose she might be daft enough not to avoid it, if you know what I mean. She wants a family, one that doesn’t just include her nan.’
Julia had shaken her head. ‘But not everyone’s like John,’ she had said and before Helen could make some derisive remark about her husband, she added, ‘If we stand back and let Phoebe get involved with this bloke, then what happens if, or should I say when, things go wrong? Would the life-model-cum-stalker hang around once there was a baby on the scene, or would he already be looking for his next conquest?’
‘He probably thinks baby oil was only invented for rubbing on his chest.’
‘Then we have to stop Phoebe from making a huge mistake.’
‘Will you speak to her?’ Helen had asked. It was the reason she had confided in Julia in the first place.
‘She was nine years old the last time I saw her – she’s hardly going to listen to me. No, what you need to do is speak to this Paul and put him off – tell him she doesn’t want to see him.’
‘I can’t do that! What if Phoebe found out?’
‘Then we tell her how we did it for her own good. Look, once he’s out of the way we’ll all go out together. I’ll take Phoebe under my wing and convince her to go back to college and make something of her talents. By the time she finds out, if she ever does, she’ll be a successful artist and will thank us for it!’
Helen didn’t have to look at Phoebe now to know that there wasn’t so much as a hint of gratitude showing in her face – not that she could bring herself to look at her.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Julia said when she noticed Helen staring into space.
‘Go on,’ Helen replied cautiously.
‘You’re already wondering what it’s going to be like when the baby comes.’
‘Well, obviously you are,’ Helen said and tried to give Julia her best smile, which she briefly directed at Phoebe. Even someone as cold-hearted as Helen could appreciate how painful it was going to be for Phoebe to sit there and listen to endless baby talk.
As they chatted, Phoebe did try to engage in the conversation but it was obvious, to Helen at least, that she was struggling. Julia was carrying Paul’s baby and already looking forward to its birth. Had Phoebe briefly done the same before her nan had told her what needed to be done?
‘I can’t wait to tell Paul,’ Julia was saying.
‘I can’t even begin to imagine how he’ll react,’ Phoebe said, a little too honestly.
‘I can. In fact, I can’t think of anything else,’ Julia said. ‘He’s been in such a dark place lately and this is going to be like an explosion of light hitting him between the eyes. I can picture the exact expression he’ll have on his face.’ She broke into a soft laugh. ‘Everything else is behind us now. There’s only the future.’
‘I should think Milly’s going to be ecstatic too,’ Phoebe offered in an awkward attempt to move the focus away from Paul.
‘Ooh, I never thought of that,’ Julia said. There was a look of unrepressed joy on her face as the news kept getting better. ‘If there was any remaining doubt in her mind about staying with you, Helen, then this has to be the clincher.’
Thinking of the good times ahead, Helen willed herself to believe that there was a chance they could all right themselves, and then Julia’s phone beeped. It was a message from Paul to let her know he was waiting in a pick-up bay.
‘Come on, let’s put him out of his misery,’ Julia said.
Phoebe moved quickly but only to grab Julia’s hand luggage. ‘I’ll take that,’ she said.
Julia didn’t argue and Helen struggled to keep up with her as they hurried out of the station with Phoebe trailing behind.
‘There he is!’ Julia said.
Paul was standing next to the car, his head down and his hands in his pockets, looking for all the world like a condemned man. It was a poignant reminder of Paul’s adultery and the warm fuzzy feeling that had been insulating Helen from darker thoughts began to cool until she couldn’t feel it any more. It was impossible to escape the fact that Paul and Phoebe had betrayed someone who loved and trusted them and that Julia’s life was at risk of being torn apart just when she was coming so close to getting her heart’s desire.
Taking Julia’s suitcase, Paul deliberately avoided making eye contact. ‘Don’t you want to ask what’s going on?’ she asked, momentarily taken aback by her husband’s continued silence. It was his expression that gave away his guilt and Julia stopped looking confused and began looking fearful. Before he could answer her, she blurted, ‘Let’s get in the car first.’
As she disappeared to the front of the car, Helen handed Paul her suitcase. She wasn’t sure if she was angrier at him for sleeping with Phoebe or for being such a terrible liar. ‘You fucking idiot,’ she said under her breath.
Phoebe had arrived just in time to hear the exchange and Paul glared at her. In a low growl, he asked, ‘Why, Phoebe? We said it meant nothing. Why tell her now?’
‘I didn’t—’ Phoebe started but then stopped, colour draining from her face as she looked over Paul’s shoulder. Julia was standing behind him.
‘I wanted the water bottle from my bag,’ she managed to say, her voice hollow. She was staring at Paul.
‘I’m sorry, Julia. I’m so sorry,’ he said.
No one spoke another word as they forced the rest of the luggage into every available space before squeezing themselves into the overcrowded Beetle. It was probably a good thing that Julia and Paul were sitting up front so they couldn’t see the tears slipping down Phoebe’s face. If Helen had had more time to think she would have refused the lift and insisted that she and Phoebe take the train home to give Julia and Paul some space. It was too late now; they were all trapped in the car, wishing they were somewhere else.
Once they hit the motorway, the silence in the car became as taut as a band stretched to breaking point. The traffic was heavy but moving, and although Paul had to weave across lanes once in a while, there was nothing else to occupy his mind other than the thickening atmosphere.
‘Julia,’ he said, ‘please say something.’
‘I’m not sure I have anything to say, Paul,’ she answered faintly. ‘Not any more.’
Paul kept looking at his wife with only one eye on the road while Julia stared straight ahead. Phoebe let out a brief sob until Helen silenced her with a glare and neither of them noticed the swarm of red brake lights appearing up ahead, or the tanker that had begun to jackknife. It was Julia who saw what was about to happen first and she let out a scream. Two cars closest to the tanker had no time to react and took the full impact of the collision as Paul turned the car violently to the left. Time slowed as they swerved to avoid the carnage and there was a split second when Helen thought they were safe. But then she saw a minibus spinning out of control and a moment later the world went dark.