The only windows in the room faced inwards and gave no clue as to what might be happening beyond the clinical confines of the hospital. Julia had no idea of the time but she guessed that in another version of her life, she and her friends would be spending their second day in London indulging in some beauty treatment or other. Instead, she had been caught up in a warped version of reality that she was struggling to make sense of. She was sitting in a wheelchair with one leg sticking straight out in front of her, but at least she had dispensed with the need for a drip stand. She was on oral meds, having done everything the registrar had asked of her just so she could get here – even though it was the last place she wanted to be.
She wished she had stayed on the train yesterday, but then she wished for so many things. She wished she had taken the pregnancy test before leaving the house, or that she had simply left it until they had travelled too far for Paul to be able to pick them up. She wished she had phoned and told him the news instead of insisting it had to be in person. Perhaps if she had given him even the subtlest hint about what was happening, that it was good news she was about to impart rather than an accusation, then maybe …
As she released a sigh, Julia tried to let go of all those ‘what if’s’ but they clung to her like leeches, draining her spirit and dragging her down into a dark world. There was only one person in her life who would be strong enough to pull her to safety, but he couldn’t reach her, nor she him, even though he was lying in a hospital bed only feet away.
Paul had been taken to A & E along with the rest of them and it had appeared that he had walked away with only minor injuries. The minibus had hit the passenger side of the Beetle and Helen and Julia had taken the brunt of the impact. Once Paul’s minor wounds had been dressed he had refused further treatment or tests and had become one of the many walking wounded who had remained in the hospital to be close to loved ones. By the time Julia had seen him the following day he had seemed fine. Or at least he had looked fine.
But now Julia could hear Paul’s life force ebbing away, released with a hiss at regular intervals as the ventilator kept her husband’s chest rising and falling. She stared long and hard as she tried to make sense of what she was being forced to witness.
‘It looks just like he’s sleeping,’ she said.
A hand rested gently on her shoulder.
‘I know,’ Anya replied.
Julia’s eyes were red and swollen but her tears had dried, leaving her skin feeling itchy and tight. She shook her head. ‘What do I do now?’
The doctor had told Julia much of what she needed to know, giving her the salient facts about Paul’s condition and his prognosis. She could recall everything she had been told; she simply couldn’t process that information. Her mind was pulling her towards the safety of an emotional vacuum and she had no reason to fight it, there was nothing she could do to save him.
‘Would you like me to go through it again with you?’ Anya asked.
Julia wouldn’t take her eyes from Paul. ‘We’re going to have a baby,’ she said.
‘I know.’
Julia smiled. ‘You must know more than you want to by now. Goodness knows what you think of us all.’
‘I think you care very deeply for each other and, if I’m not mistaken, I’d say you’re the one who looks after everyone. You’ve been the strong one, Julia,’ Anya told her. ‘And now you’re going to have to be stronger than you ever thought possible, for you, your husband and your baby. But I promise you, I’m going to be here for you every step of the way.’
‘Don’t you ever go home?’ Julia asked, keeping the conversation light as if it wasn’t a life-and-death decision she were about to make.
‘I’m going to stay as long as you want me to, but first there are some decisions you need to make. I know this is impossibly hard for you, Julia, but you do need to think about what’s going to happen next.’
Julia nodded, but then in a contradiction of everything the doctors had told her, she said, ‘He’s going to come back to me, Anya. He’s strong. He can do it.’
The nurse’s reply was spoken gently but her words were brutal. ‘No, Julia. I’m sorry, but he’s not. The brain haemorrhage was catastrophic and it’s only the machines that are keeping your husband alive. His body is a shell.’ She left a pause, as if that bitter blow had left her breathless too. ‘The tests the doctors have now performed twice confirm brain stem death. I wish it could be different but he won’t be coming back to you.’
‘You don’t know that!’ Julia cried. ‘The doctors don’t know him like I do. They said we wouldn’t be able to conceive naturally but Paul proved them wrong. And if he did it once, he can do it again. He will do it again!’
Julia knew she was being delusional, but she had to have one last chance to make things right between her and Paul because the alternative was unthinkable. If only she could go back in time! ‘I should have told him. I shouldn’t have been so pig-headed and made you all keep it a secret,’ she said. ‘This morning when he came onto the ward and tried to talk to me I knew he was in agony, that he was sorry for what he’d done, and I believed him when he said he loved me. He would have been so happy if he’d known I was pregnant, feeling twice as guilty but deliriously happy. Only I wanted him to suffer. If I’d known time was running out …’
When the nurse remained quiet and could offer no hope, Julia was forced to face the future head on. ‘How long do we have?’
‘The ventilator will keep Paul’s body functioning for some time yet, but eventually his organs will fail and he’ll pass away,’ Anya told her in a low voice. ‘We think it would be better, as much for you as for him, to switch off the machines before that happens.’
‘No, no, no!’ wailed Julia. She had continued to stare at Paul lying so still and imagined him listening to them.
‘Julia,’ Anya said with enough force to drag Julia’s gaze towards her. ‘Remember what I said about being strong? Now is that time.’
‘But I don’t have to decide now! You’re jumping too far ahead.’
‘I know,’ Anya said, ‘and you’re right, you don’t have to decide yet, but I wanted to give you time to think about something else.’
‘What else?’
‘Organ donation.’
Julia’s face twisted with pain. ‘No. Even if … even if Paul wasn’t coming back, even if …’ she said as she tried and failed to get her thoughts in order. How was this conversation even possible when their lives had been so normal yesterday? She took a deep breath and straightened up. ‘We talked about it and he said he didn’t want to donate his organs. He said it creeped him out.’
‘But Paul is on the register.’
‘I’m sorry, but your records are wrong. Helen tried to persuade him to register online a few months ago. We all did, but he said no.’
‘He might have said no at the time—’
‘He would have told me if he’d changed his mind. We told each other everything,’ Julia said before snapping her mouth shut. That was blatantly untrue. Of course they kept secrets from each other, recent events proved that, and Paul wasn’t the only guilty party. Hadn’t she kept secrets right from the start of their relationship?
When Julia had first spied Paul at the gym she had recognized him immediately as Phoebe’s stalker and had been understandably suspicious of him. Only when she had succumbed to his charms did she tell him that she knew who he was and, responding to her honesty, Paul had been open about the extent of his liaison with Phoebe. At that point Julia should have told him how she had instigated the break-up of his relationship with Phoebe, but she hadn’t. Things had been getting serious between them and once Phoebe had given her blessing, Julia concluded that there was no point raking up the past. She should have told him. They should have all talked about it instead of letting the lies fester.
‘It’s too late now,’ she said. ‘We can’t talk about anything any more.’
‘Are you saying you don’t want to consider organ donation?’
‘I threatened once that I’d donate his organs, with or without his consent,’ she told Anya. ‘But it’s one thing to say you’ll do it and another to sit here and agree to him being carved up. Listen – listen to him breathing.’
‘It’s a machine,’ Anya said.
‘It’s my husband!’
Anya nodded. ‘I know, and I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I didn’t mean to sound so harsh and no one will pressurize you. It’s your decision and I genuinely don’t know what I would do in your position. I really am sorry.’
Julia gave Anya an apologetic look. ‘It’s all right. And to be honest, if my friend Helen were here she’d be giving me such a hard time right now. I do want to do the right thing; it’s just so hard when I’m not sure of Paul’s wishes. I may have come across as the wife from hell, but Paul is – was my life, my leading man. Although not perfect by any means.’
‘I think I have one of those at home,’ Anya said and rested a hand across her bare neck.
Julia stared at her for a moment and a random thought took her by surprise. ‘I didn’t imagine the necklace you were wearing before, did I? It was one I made, part of a collection for a client who had been happily married for fifty years. I envied him for being that secure. God, I still do.’
Smiling sadly, Anya said, ‘That would be my dad. The necklace was a Christmas present. He seems to be under the impression that my marriage is from the same mould as his. But it isn’t.’
‘Are you still together?’
‘Only just,’ Anya said gently. ‘But I still love him and I’m starting to think I should give it another try. We should make the most of what we have.’
‘What do I have?’ Julia said, turning her attention back to the lifeless body of her husband.
‘You have the amazing gift your husband left you. A miracle baby, by all accounts,’ Anya reminded her.
‘He might have fallen from grace but he’s still my hero,’ Julia agreed, drawing her thoughts back to the difficult decision she was still wrestling with. ‘And he could be for other families too.’
‘I can arrange for someone from the transplant team to come and talk to you if you’d like. Will you think about it?’
‘OK,’ Julia said, her jaw set firm until her lower lip began to tremble. ‘But just not yet.’
She turned from Anya and began pushing her wheelchair closer to her husband’s bedside. Reaching out, she was surprised how warm and supple Paul’s arm felt. There was no coolness of death, not even a suggestion. The doctors were wrong. Looking past the tubes and monitors, she searched for the slightest flicker behind Paul’s closed lids that might give her hope. ‘Do you think he can still hear me?’ she asked.
‘Maybe.’
After everything they had just discussed, they both knew this wasn’t true, but Julia appreciated the lie. ‘I need to tell him something,’ she said.
‘Would you like some privacy?’
When Julia nodded, Anya squeezed her shoulder and left without a word.
Forcing air past her constricted throat, Julia took a deep breath and held it. Only when her lungs burned did she force herself to speak.
‘I know what happened, Paul. All of it,’ she began. ‘And I can’t begin to imagine what was going through your mind when Phoebe told you about the baby. I can’t get my head around it myself and while I don’t understand how you could both do what you did, I forgive you, I have to.’
She took another shuddering breath, readying herself for Paul’s reaction to the confession she was about to make as if he were actively participating in the conversation.
‘You see, it was because of me that you weren’t there for Phoebe when she found out she was pregnant. I was the one who persuaded Helen to feed you the lies. I thought I was protecting Phoebe.’ She gave a short laugh that was more of a sob. ‘What a mess I made of that!’
Julia had to take another deep breath before she could continue. She wasn’t as strong as everyone thought and would have to take this slowly. ‘But at least I can say I didn’t know what damage I was causing at the time. You, on the other hand, knew exactly what you were doing this time around, and I hate you – I hate you both for what you did. Honestly, Paul, while I can say I could forgive you, I don’t know if that would have been enough to save our marriage, but I’d like to think it was,’ she said, and then added quickly, ‘Actually, that’s a lie. I’d rather not think about it at all, not any more.’
Stroking his arm absent-mindedly, she said, ‘Do you remember the day we got married? Do you remember how we stayed up talking until the morning? OK, maybe not talking all the time …’ She took a few gasps of air to hold back the sob. ‘We were like two excited children, planning out the rest of our lives together. We’d have a bit more time as a couple and then we’d start knocking out kids. We should have had at least two by now, and maybe we wouldn’t have stopped there. It was meant to be … and then, when it didn’t happen, I think we were both scared, scared that if we didn’t have it all then we would have nothing. We were so wrong, Paul.’ She squeezed his hand, wishing beyond everything to feel an answering pressure.
‘We were so wrong because we already had everything we needed – we had each other. I need you to believe that before I tell you my news. I need you to know that you, Paul Richardson, are everything to me. You always were and you always will be.’
Ignoring the pain her movements caused, Julia leaned over to trail a finger across Paul’s face. She expected to see a twitch at any moment before his cheeks pinched into a smile. He remained stubbornly unmoved but she was saving the best for last.
‘You were so upset when you found out that the physical problem was with you, and maybe you did what you did because you wanted to push me away. Maybe it was your way of setting me free to find someone who could give me babies – I’ll never know. But here’s the thing, Paul, I didn’t need anyone else.’
She left a pause, imagining that she had piqued his curiosity and he was about to peel back an eyelid. She thought she heard him say, ‘Go on, then, tell me what’s got you all excited?’
When Julia smiled, her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. ‘We did it,’ she whispered, her voice breaking at the last. She swallowed hard and forced herself to speak loudly and clearly. She needed him to hear this. ‘We made a baby, Paul. I’m pregnant. You’re going to be a dad.’
Pressing her palm against his cheek, her hand trembled. They had created a new life, proving that together anything was possible. ‘Did you hear me, Paul? We’re going to have a baby. So now you have to wake up. You have to.’
This was where Paul’s eyes were supposed to open wide with shock. He was meant to jump out of bed and sweep her up into his arms, holding her so close she wouldn’t be able to see the look of pure elation on his face but she would feel his body shaking.
He didn’t move.
With a strangled cry, she shouted, ‘Please, Paul! Please don’t do this! I love you! Don’t leave me!’
There was a click as the door behind her opened and Julia’s head snapped towards the sound. She took a deep, mournful breath and just before she gave in to the sobs that would rack her body, she said, ‘I can’t do this, not on my own.’
‘You’re not on your own,’ Phoebe said.