I don't have pet peeves.
I have whole kernels of irritation.
— WHOOPI GOLDBERG
Some people never
Stop talking. The movie starts
Let's all shout:
Shut up!
You drank up all the
Coffee this morning so I
Egged your car. Breakfast!
You said that our love
Was better the second time
Around. Try for third.
Whenever my boss
Gets in my face, I just shrug
And say,
“Recruiter.”
I've been rear-ended
Two times by texting drivers.
R U 2 stupid?
What goes UP must come
DOWN when bankers are all crooks
LET THEM EAT CAT FOOD.
I moved cross-country
For a guy, then he cheated.
Now he's moving — fast!
When rich people flaunt
Their money, I point and laugh
And shout, “Hey, Madoff!”
When your kid throws a
Tantrum and everyone stares,
Throw a fit yourself.
When he watches too
Much porn, replace all his faves
With Disney movies.
My colleague got a
Little too ambitious, so
I got him transferred.
When you left the seat
Up AGAIN, I shaved my lithe
Legs with your razor.
When you kept leaving
Your socks on the floor, I washed
Them with my red dress.
You spent all of the
Money on shoes and salons.
I left you the shoes.
When they serve me cold
Coffee, I spill it on their
Floor. Every damn time.
Meter maid gave me
A ticket while I stood there.
Never paid the bitch.
Since Game Night was most
Every night, I forgot to
Pay the cable bill.
The sign said, “Reserved
Parking.” But reserved for whom?
I'm parking here, bud.
Those so-called pundits
Are a bunch of losers, so
I changed the channel.
Match.com “soul mates”
Lied about their age, weight, height,
Job. Outed them right now!
The next time you call
For a cold beer,
I won't get
It, I'll drink it.
All.
Politicians are
Low-life losers who can't keep
Real jobs. Vote 'em out!
Bumper to bumper
Traffic, you bully in. I
Curse you and your loins.
You made a pass, I
Resisted, my dog bit you.
Bad neighbor! Good dog!
Blah blah blabedy
Blah blah blah.
So sorry, were
You saying something?
Did you say something?
Or is that annoying sound
Static? Hard to tell.
3, 4, 5 a.m….
Brain wired, eyes open.
No Rest for the wicked.
HOW MANY FLYERS
FROM THE GREASY GREEK PIZZA
DOES ONE PERSON NEED?
Dear Yoga Poser:
Twisting like a pretzel is
NOT ENLIGHTENMENT!
Gotta pee, gotta
Pee right now! What the hell are
You doing in there?
Fuck. You could win the
Lotto and still be a damn
Miserable mess.
Hey dude,
I don't know
What they told you but I think
You're a big loser.
The dust bunnies are
Not paying rent. Plug in the
Vacuum already!