CHAPTER 2

PISSED OFF

I love mankind;
it's people I can't stand.

— CHARLES M. SCHULZ

My former stylist

Called this mullet the new “thing”

I called her “Douchebag!”

When people say, “Don't
Talk about your ex that way,”
I flip them the bird.

The first rule of the

Road is this: Don't cut me off

Or you lose a trunk.

The best things in life
Are not free, they're taxed to the
Max. Deduct it all!

Don't risk jail time, just

Hang your ex's photo on a

Heavy bag and Punch!

I said I'd never
     Sleep with your hot friend but now

You should know: I lied.

Your mom called me, “Slut,”

Your dad pinched my ass, and you

Let them. Watch me go.

      It got so cold my
Pipes froze. I said, “Fuck winter!”

And moved my ass south.

A hired gun is
Fine, but a hired lawyer
Is better. ^{Sharks rule!}

Never say never.

When the bank took my house,
I Took no prisoners.

Flight to France canceled
All I got was this lousy

Voucher. What the Fuck?

Plowed my car into

A snowbank. I'm suing the

City for big bucks.

Don't leave him laughing,

Leave him burnt-out, broke, depressed,

Bald, and impotent.

Don't leave her laughing,

Leave her burnt-out, broke, depressed,

Fat, and infertile.

When that stranger at

The bar felt me up, I decked

Him. Surprise, scumbag!

When my date flirts with

The waiter, I leave the ditz

With the dinner check.

I didn't get that

Promotion. Now I work for

      The competition.

When our CEO

Turned evil slave driver, I

Set my sweet ass free.

Two words for the dick

Who humiliated me

In high school: You're bald!

Two words for the bitch

Who so snubbed me in high school:

You're fat! (And I'm not.)

Note to self: Don't get

   Mad, get even. Even when
      It's your own sister.

The bastard who cut
In line at the movies
won't Ever see the film.

Some bitch said, ^{“You look}
_{Good for your age.”} I smiled and
Said, _{“Need some pointers?”}

When they replaced me

With a younger employee,

I sued — and won BIG!

When in doubt, find a

Private dick to keep close tabs

On your private dick.

You were always late

For dinner. I served your next

Meal right in your lap.

You were always late.
I said, “Meet at Tiffany's,”
   But I never showed.

Think you can cheat and
Get away with it? Not so
Fast, dirt bag. It's ON.

Don't try to wash my

Windshield, or I'll run that red

Light right over you.

Your mother cuts my

Cooking. She'll be eating cat

Food tonight. You, too.

He loves me, he loves

Me not, he loves me — alas!

Dumped his sorry ass.

Bossy bitch at the

DMV made me wait all Day.

Up yours, lady!

“Don't worry about
Me …” she sighs. To which I say,
“Don't worry, I won't.”

Your faux accent makes
Me want to hurl on your knock      
Off Fendi loafers.

       

Thanks! The halogen

Lights on your fancy new car

Have me seeing spots.

Losers and dicks and
Pricks, oh my! A page out of
      My dating playbook.

Best model ever
— Charge 5 bucks for coffee that
Costs pennies to brew.

You know it's bad when

Even Barack Obama

Has started spamming.

Six pints of Guinness
And you start to look good. That's
Luck of the Irish!

Listen, toll taker:
I don't have correct change, but
Please keep your pennies!

Sorry, but it's true.
I could give a shit about
Your recent golf game.

After you! No, please,
   I insist. You must deserve
      This great spot in line.

Four days is plenty

Of time to soak a pot. Wash

Your damn dish, will ya?

Your science project
In the sink is one fucking
Failed experiment.

Dear Neighbor: If I

Wanted to share, I would. But

I don't, so get lost!

Hey, Mr. Hipster,
Those “skinny jeans” make you look
   Malnourished, not cool.

Clipping your toenails
   In public is vulgar and
   Unsanitary.

Korean ladies,
All petite and sweet. What the
Hell are you saying?

I only need one

Ingredient. It's SOLD OUT

Everywhere. Bad karma!

The DMV is
Always such a pleasant place —
Long lines and rude clerks.

Will it rain? Will it

Snow? What do I look like? A

Goddamn weatherman?