CHAPTER 3
FUMING
Anger as soon as fed is dead.
'Tis starving makes it fat.
— EMILY DICKINSON
Never wanted green
Hair. I painted my stylist's
New red Jag to match.
When you slept with my
Sister, I cut off the ends
Of all your ties. Snip!
When you slept with my
MOTHER, I cut off the legs
Of all your pants. Snip!
When you slept with my
BROTHER, I cut off the hair
On your head. Snip! Snip!
My exes lived in
Nicer homes and drove nicer
Cars before I sued.
The best revenge was
When you stole my heart, and I
Stole all your money.
If I ever see
That high school bully again,
Dead man walking, now!
The neighbors next door
Called the cops on my party —
Their house is on fire.
Husband #1
He cheated and lied and stole
But I got the kids.
Husband #2
Married a bitch with my name.
I still call her bitch.
My prof made a pass
Turned her down and she freaked. See
You-tube video.
That cop nailed me for
Running a red light, so I
Nailed his red-haired wife.
My ex left me for
For a ho, so I taught her
To read. Is he pissed!
Men who cheat aren't all
Tiger Woods. But let's club them
All hard anyway.
When my wife slept with
My best friend, I decked him good —
And divorced her ass.
Two words for the bitch
Who stole my husband: Ha ha!
The joke is on you.
You took my parking
Place, so I keyed your brand-new
Mercedes. TOUGH LUCK.
My neighbor's dog pooped
In my yard again. Now he
Barks for my mercy.
I'd waited ten years
For a wedding ring. So I
Married his brother.
She left me for a
Wealthier man. So I just
Tweeted her real tits.
My coworker took
Credit for my brilliant work
GOT HER FAT ASS FIRED.
She was on that damn
iPhone during sex. So I
Dropped it in the john.
You decided to
Dump me, so I decided
To dumpster your stuff.
If you don't pay your
Taxes while I do, better
Leave the country now!
Killed them with kindness
Until they dropped their guard, then
Nailed them to the wall.
If she's thinner and
Richer, don't hate the bitch. Friend
Her — and rob her blind.
Only thing bigger
Than your ego is your mouth.
Shut up, already!
You said I was fat,
So I lost twenty pounds. Looked
So good I left you.
You left the turkey
Out and your dog ate it. Now
Make my boss dinner.
I hate your red truck.
I hate your shotgun and your
Dead deer head. Redneck!
I have PMS.
You ate the last Twix. Now I'm
Going to kill you.
You screwed me once and
Now you're back? No more, a — hole!
You are going down!
?How phlegmy does my
Office need to get before
The sickies STAY HOME?
12 items or less
A simple concept, really
Got more? Get lost!
Just because you're old
Doesn't mean that you're
special Move over, Granny!
Dieted for weeks
And only lost two pounds. Let
Me loose on that cake!
I've been laid off so
Many times that I now think
Pink slips become me.
You think you
look cool,
But you smell like an ashtray
And have dark gray teeth.
If you hit snooze one
More time, the alarm clock will
Swiftly meet its fate.
What we do is not
Brain surgery so please stop
Acting like it is!
Red panties in the
Wash turns everything pink. I
Can't afford new clothes!
Rent is nine hundred …
Unemployment just ran out …
Stimulate yourself!
Do they really need
To rip up the Interstate
24/7?
500-square-foot
Studio for 1,000
Bucks? I hate New York.
You know that Botox
And designer bags won't make
You a beauty queen.
Dear Mother-in-Law:
You really don't need to call
Seven times a day.
That's funny. I don't
Remember asking for your
Sorry opinion….
Did you really think
You were good enough for my
Sister? THINK AGAIN.
You complain about
Your weight but still eat like shit.
Here's my violin.
Hey, neighbor. Want to
Magnify your view? Here are
My binoculars.
Parking 101:
Put your car between the white Lines.
Can you handle that?
I appreciate
You doing my wash, but please
Stop wrecking my clothes!
Your 
and your
Piercings don't cover the fact
That you can't cut hair.
I had the salad,
You had filet and I owe
How much? Your math blows.
Dear Pushy Salesclerk:
Will you kindly stop asking
If you can help me?
I will ride your ass
In traffic regardless of
Your Baby on Board.