CHAPTER 5

FIT TO BE TIED

Don't fuck with me, fellas. This
ain't my first time at the rodeo.

— JOAN CRAWFORD

My accountant split.
Cleaned me out. Hired a hit man.

Adios, Asshole!

“Get a job,” you said.
So I did–and now I can

Afford to leave you.

Love is patient, love

Is kind, until you fuck with

Me. Prepare to die!

You puked all over
   My keyboard. I told the boss
You drank all her gin.

Your screaming child is
Clearly devil spawn and you
Should have your tubes tied.

Thanks for sharing BUT
   I could really care less, you
Righteous piece of shit.

I get that you want

To dump my ass, but we can't

“Still be friends” — fuck off!

You may have stolen

My identity, but you

Cannot take my rage.

Are you colorblind?
Or just a clueless fuck? Red
Means stop. Green means GO!

Think I won't hit you

As you saunter by when the

Light's green? Just try me!

Expired tags and the
Cop has me towed. Sweet talk got
      Me nowhere. Screw you!

Think I went psycho
When I caught you cheating? You
Ain't seen nothin' yet.

Dump your work on me


Again and I'll torch your cube


And key your new car.

Here's an idea:

Instead of making small talk,

Just shut the fuck up.

   Yes. OPERATOR!
Who do I have to screw to
   Talk to a human?

Want to race me, prick?

My car's worth nothing and yours

Is worth lots. Game on!

I'll seriously
Cut your foot off if you kick

My chair one more time.

There's no need to leave
Your smelly, used tampon on
The floor — pick it up!

Take your deadline and

Shove it up your ass! (Put your

Head there too, will ya?)

4 miles an hour

And I'll get home at midnight.

Want to off myself.

Do I look like I

Know how to hide a bomb in

My shoe? WTF?

Lovely. I guess your

Fat ass needed the last piece

Of toilet paper.

I didn't realize

The shoulder was your very

Own V.I.P. lane!

Do you really need
To laugh that hard, or are you


In ass-kissing mode?

My doc treats me as

If I can't read. But she was

Trained by Web MD.

I have a degree

And can't do my taxes. How do

Stupid people deal?

I think you should have
Purchased two seats because you're

Spilling into mine!

Think you could have told

Me you had herpes before
Jumping in the sack?

If I had a trust

Fund, I might just be as big

An asshole as you.

The only thing worse

Than a bad job is a bad

Boss. Let's quit them both.

I'm going to hell,

But at least the fun people

Will be there with me!