My wife and I went to a restaurant on a crisp, clear night. She was overcharged with static electricity and the waiter got quite a shock when he helped her off with her coat. My wife felt that the waiter deserved an apology. My view was that servants should be properly insulated. Which of us is right?
T. R. Mortimer, Southsea
Your wife is, of course. The waiter also deserved a big tip. Waiters have a hard enough life without being electrocuted. An apology costs nothing and is the sign of good behaviour. Your view that servants should be properly insulated is the attitude that provoked the French Revolution.
Perhaps you could settle a dispute between my mother and myself: she maintains that after eating a meal in a restaurant it is perfectly acceptable to reapply one’s lipstick at the table. I find this not only tricky (without a mirror there is the risk of getting lipstick on your teeth), but also slightly vulgar, and always retire to the bathroom.
Pippa Nordberg
You are right. It is bad manners to perform personal cosmetic operations in public. A man should not comb his hair at the table, much less pick his teeth (or nose). Lipstick is manufactured from the corpses of tubercular pigs that are not considered suitable for eating. To wave such stuff around at the table is offensive to queasy eaters. In any case, applying lipstick is a coded sexual signal, better performed at more intimate occasions.
You rule somewhat priggishly (3 February) that it is bad manners to apply lipstick in public. I have observed members of the Royal Family performing this act. What else should the well-brought-up lady avoid doing at table? And where did you get your disgusting notion that lipstick is made from the fat of tubercular pigs?
Juliet Whiteley, Battersea, South London
The considerate lady should not powder her nose at table, comb her hair, empty her bag to hunt for keys, criticise the appearance of her companion, boast about the schooling of her children or the exoticism of her holidays, or perform any other act designed to spoil the enjoyment of others. The Trobriand Islanders of Kiriwina regard the very act of eating as so private that they perform it in secret. They have no such inhibitions about sex, cf. Bronislaw Malinowski, the father of structural anthropology, passim. Whatever gave you the idea that royals have good manners? Some do, some don’t. The sick porcine origin of lipstick was told to me by the manager of the local bacon factory.
My husband and I recently dined for the first time at a restaurant with a very fine reputation. For pudding, I ordered crème brûlée, a personal favourite. When the dish arrived, the crème brûlée was considerably inferior to others I have tasted. The waiter, who had been very attentive all evening, asked how the pudding was. I smiled sweetly, saying it was lovely. Would it have been appropriate to pass comment on the crème brûlée? How should one approach such situations sensitively?
Lisa Davis, address withheld
If the crème brûlée was off – rancid, rotten, disgusting – you should have shuddered and sent it back. If, as I suspect, it was just not up to your usual standard, it is too late to do much about it. It has gone the long road down the pink path to the long-suffering stomach. You are a gentle and polite soul. You could have said: ‘I have tasted better crème brûlée.’ But the waiter would probably not have passed the message to the chef. He was just sucking up for his tip. But we must not let ourselves be bullied by waiters and ‘celebrity’ chefs. They are not Michelangelo or Picasso. We pay their wages. If our work, whatever it is, is not up to scratch, it helps us to be told so. How can we improve otherwise?
Who should taste the wine in a restaurant before it is served? It all seems a bit pretentious.
Ann Murphy, Dublin
He who pays the butler tastes the wine. Traditionally he rather than she, on the sentimental notion that men have better palates than women, and the wine should be passed as decent before it is poured for a lady. This is patronising nonsense. Women have just as sensitive taste buds as chaps. And are no longer perceived as shrinking violets or the weaker sex. I invite a woman to taste the wine, if she would like to. It alarms the wine waiter. In general, whoever is in charge of the budget tastes the wine. Get the ceremony over without too much ostentatious wine-gunmanship. Peer, sniff, sip, nod with restrained enthusiasm, OK, or great relish. You should not reject the wine unless it is corked or turned into vinegar.
When visiting friends’ houses for supper or dinner parties my fiancée has a habit of removing her shoes during the course of the evening. Sometimes, she will seek the approval of the hostess, but more often she will just slip them off under the table. I feel this is somewhat discourteous, but she is adamant that it is not. Is she committing a social gaffe?
Andrew Baker, Bristol
On no account enter into an argument with your fiancée about either her manners or her shoes. The time for that will come after you are married. It is more excusable for a woman than a man to slip off shoes without permission. Women’s shoes are generally more uncomfortable. Their feet are prettier. Their hose are less likely to be threadbare or smelly. Manners about footwear are much more informal these days, as they are about everything else. It would still be eccentric, and possibly discourteous, to slip off one’s Manolo Blahniks at a formal dinner at Buckingham Palace or Mansion House. But to start correcting your loved one on her foot behaviour is a bad prelude to matrimony.
If two couples are dining at a restaurant where one person is seated on each side of a square table, should the couples face each other, or sit next to each other so that they can talk face to face with one of their friends?
Maia Greenstock, Hendon, London
Well, the normal positioning of two couples in the situation you pose, is for the couples to be placed opposite each other. Let us call the couples A & B, and X & Y. The customary placement around the table would go A, X, B, Y. The dominant diner (usually still male on these occasions) takes control, and says something flattering like: ‘Gloria, why don’t you sit here, so that I can sit beside you?’ At which point his partner kicks him. Another old-fashioned arrangement, if we are placing two females and two males, is to seat the sexes alternately around the square table. There is no fixed protocol for such occasions. With only four of you, it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is to have a jolly, sociable dinner, with lots of wit and conversation flying about.
I have difficulty in choosing what to eat from the menu when I am taken out to a restaurant. Some of the prices horrify me. But should I choose the cheaper dishes that I don’t particularly like in order not to seem greedy?
A. M., Penrith
What a sensitive and unselfish (unshellfish?) soul you are. I take it that you are a young female person, since you keep on being taken out to restaurants? It doesn’t happen so often to me. But you are right, it is a bit of a problem. One safe way out of your Catch-22 is to ask your host for advice, or to order what he does. Another option is to order the chef’s dish of the day. But you should not be embarrassed. Your host has offered to take you out. That means that he/she is prepared to pay for you, even though you show a partiality for lobster and crêpes Suzette.
What is the correct thing to do when one is at a dinner party and dislikes the food being served? I went to one recently, when the main course was liver, which I can’t abide. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I had to leave most of the meal. When my host asked me how I’d found it, I had to be honest – but I did feel rather embarrassed.
Fiona M., Oxford
You could have avoided some of the embarrassment if you had made your dietary excuse before you were served, as soon as you realised that abhorred liver was on the menu. Those with medical or severe objections to some foods should make their aversions known to their hosts before arriving for dinner. I think that we are becoming more discriminating eaters. We wartime and postwar babies were brought up to believe that refusing to eat anything put on our plates was a moral failing. The good guest asks for small helpings, eats sparingly and forces himself, if possible, to eat as much of what is offered with the appearance of pleasure. It is, after all, offered kindly, however much we dislike it, for friendship and good manners.
I was at a restaurant recently when quite a vicious fight broke out at the neighbouring table. Some food was splattered on my trousers, and the perpetrators were thrown out. Although we could hardly blame the restaurant for the incident, at no stage did the manager offer his apologies or offer a discount on our bill. Do you think he should have done?
Peter Williams, Canterbury
Well, what an ugly scene. Yes, of course the manager should have apologised. And it would have shown generous style to have offered you a drink on the house, or perhaps (pushing it a bit) a discount on your bill. But I dare say that the poor chap was harassed and upset, and forgot his managerial manners and the need to stroke the ruffled feathers of his other customers. I might think twice about revisiting the scene of the fracas. But perhaps that would be unfair.
I went out for a meal with my wife recently and we had the misfortune to be seated next to a table full of young men who were obviously on some kind of ‘stag’ outing. The noise, swearing and boisterous (at times, disgusting) behaviour of these louts ruined our evening. As the restaurant was full, we could not ask to be moved elsewhere. When the bill came, I refused to pay because we had not enjoyed our evening. In the end, we negotiated a 20 per cent discount. Do you think I was right to kick up a fuss? My wife nearly died of embarrassment.
Name and address withheld
You were bold to make a fuss, and lucky to obtain a discount. The behaviour of the louts was hardly the fault of the manager, though it was his responsibility to maintain an orderly establishment. When I saw which way the land lay, I should have thought about leaving for a quieter place. One young man’s stag outing is another man’s jolly evening is another man’s riotous pandemonium. Remonstrating could have been counterproductive, by adding to the uproar for other diners. But it seems to have worked. Nevertheless, I sympathise with your wife.
When is the correct time to leave a dinner party? I always thought that to leave at around 11 p.m. or midnight was normal. At two dinner parties recently, however, I have felt somewhat pressured to stay until after 1 a.m. Do you think it is rude to leave when the other guests are staying late?
S. Downing, Walton-on-Thames
One should go out to dinner for pleasure not penance. While it is a bit abrupt to announce as you arrive: ‘We are early birds, and must leave by midnight’, it is also a bit brusque to announce to your guests as they arrive: ‘I always go to bed at midnight, and I am not making an exception tonight’ (my friend Paddy does that). It should be possible to tell your host(ess) discreetly as bedtime approaches that you are going to slip away; it is OK to be economical with the reasons. You never know: some of the other guests may also be dying to leave, and too timid to be the first.
When an invitation specifies 7 for 7.30, does that mean you are expected to arrive before or at 7, or is anytime up until 7.30 (but after 7) acceptable?
Michael Jones, London
This code means: ‘Please arrive not before 7 and not later than 7.30 – drinks and introductions from 7 onwards. Supper/dinner/communal singing at 7.30.’ About 7.20 is right: it suggests conviviality but not a rush to get to the trough. It is bad form and self-important to make a habit of arriving late just to make a grand entrance. It is very bad manners to arrive early. Your host(ess) may still be in the bath, trying to select his tie or the wine, rearranging the placement or cooking a replacement for the soufflés that have collapsed.
I have always found the restaurant habit of whisking away plates as soon as the dinner is finished very irritating. Is it acceptable to ask the waiter to leave the empty plate until everyone has finished their meal?
Bill Toms, Vancouver
I agree. The waiter in a sophisticated restaurant would not start to clear away the plates until all the diners had finished eating and stacked their cutlery. I judge it perfectly acceptable to ask the harassed waiter to stay his hand – gently and politely.
When drinking a cup of hot chocolate served with whipped cream and/or marshmallows, especially in a public place, is it acceptable to eat the topping with a teaspoon? I can’t see any other way round this without getting the cream all over my face or leaving marshmallows in the bottom of my cup.
Helen McDonald, Aberdeen
I do not believe that the High Priestesses of Etiket have ruled on this vexing question yet. But cutlery was made for man, not man for cutlery. We should drink our hot chocolate with relish. The great Incas lived on chocolate, until they were destroyed by alcoholic Spaniards.
I am embarrassed by wine lists and never know what to order in a restaurant. It shows.
P. J. W., Lincoln
Wine lists are assault courses intended to intimidate the sensitive. Find wines that you prefer, and stick to them. Consult the wine waiter about what he recommends. Do not take his advice as gospel. The house wine is often a good bet. The reputation of the restaurant depends on it not being utterly emetic vinegar. Do not pay more than about £20 a butt unless you are either v. rich or v. flash. Do not be intimidated. Posit.
What is the correct etiquette for dining out alone? I often stay away on business and detest room service. But in a restaurant I always feel rather awkward – in fact, I have been turned away on the odd occasion as no restaurant wants a lone diner. Is it acceptable to take a newspaper or book to read?
Gareth Ross, Hitchin
You and I both must develop a thicker carapace. It is perfectly natural for the solitary traveller to dine alone. No decent restaurant should turn away a single diner. Some clubs run a communal table for singles. Let us not imagine hostility from the head waiter where there may be none. It is normal manners for single chaps and cheeses to eat alone. See Dickens passim. See Tom Jones. See hotels in tweedy walking districts such as Arran and the Lake District with many single tables. Yes, we should take a newspaper or a paperback that we do not mind being blotched with gravy or burgundy and that interests us at least as much as the wine list. We should discuss the menu with the waiter. We should pay discreet attention to our neighbours, if they invite it. Better to dine in society than alone.
We eat out regularly with a small party of people at all types of restaurants. One member of the party always insists on stacking up the plates before the waiter or waitress comes to clear them. Is this incorrect etiquette?
Julie McCulloch, Spoonville
By Martha, Queen of the Cutlery! This depends on the type of restaurant. They would not like it at the Ritz, partly because of the clatter and possibility of clumsy customer spillage and breakage. At such a gilded eatery they employ enough waiters to service each table (each individual diner) instantly. And the waiters want to earn their wages and (they hope) tip. In a greasy spoon, with few waiters run off their feet, you may be helping a bit if you stack your table’s plates discreetly and tidily. But I should hesitate to do so, except in dire circumstances, e.g. when we have been kept waiting to have our plates cleared for half an hour. To stack plates is what one does at supper in one’s own kitchen. To do it in a restaurant is to confuse the roles of waiter and diner, with potentially catastrophic and inappropriate results.
I am a virtual vegetarian. I really do not enjoy meat. Is it correct etiquette to let my hostess know this before accepting an invitation?
Margaret Davies, Marylebone
Yes. Previous generations were less sensitive and faddy than ours. They at least made a pretence of enjoying what they were served. We are less tolerant and more aware of allergies. The Stoic munches his way through gritty beef olives with an appearance of appreciation. The Cynic hides what he cannot stomach beneath mashed potato. The Epicurean eats whatever is put before him with relish. The good guest lets her hostess know what she cannot eat, if she has valid medical or superstitious reasons. At all costs avoid getting into self-righteous pseudo-ethical arguments about food over dinner.