I have always battled to remember a name from the first introduction, if it was in a context involving more than three people. How does one later find out the name without causing offence?
David Williams, address withheld
Brits are hopeless at remembering names. Our nerves and natural reserve are jangling so hard at meeting a stranger that the introduction goes in one ear and out the other. At least you have identified the problem. Use one of the mnemonic tricks. For example, as each new person is introduced, place his/her name in a room in a house that you know well. E.g. ‘Peter Green in the conservatory beside the aspidistra … Cecilia Longbottom in the bathroom.’
I am only 5ft tall. On attending work functions with my husband, I am often introduced to someone who is very tall. In order to converse, the person either flexes his knees or adopts some doubled-up posture. It means that I have to hold my head in a position that gives me a stiff neck. What can I do to promote a more dignified first meeting?
Sue Fisher, Bedford
Develop a loud, clear and deliberate voice. (This is good manners, even for those of us who are as tall as giraffes.) Some of the young (and shorty male film stars) jack themselves up on huge platform heels. Alan Ladd stood on a soapbox for love scenes so that he could reach his leading ladies. Height is no measure of importance or beauty. Look at Napoleon. Look at Alexander Pope. Look at the Royal Family. The only certain consequence of being over 6ft tall is that I hit my head all the time, thus diminishing my intelligence. Better to be short, witty and perfectly formed than large and clumsy.
I am irritated by perfect strangers who insist on addressing me by my first name. What is the point of this unwarranted intimacy? When women do it, I am reminded of the traditional greeting used by French prostitutes: ‘Tu viens, cheri?’ Those who avoid the problem by identifying themselves as Mr X or (heaven help us) Dr/Professor Y are pompous asses. Why am I not addressed as Mr and my wife as Mrs plus surname by those who have never previously met us and/or don’t know us from Adam and Eve?
Alan Bullock, Professor of Italian Literature,
Leeds University
We live in a luvvie-duvvie, Oprah Winfrey, Richard-and-Judy culture. To address someone as Mr X, these days and in some quarters, is felt to be almost an insult. These manners change. Dickens was so surprised when a man at a (naturally) all-male club dinner referred to his wife by her Christian name that he leapt from the table, lay on the floor and waved his arms and legs in the air. One of the reasons for the popularity of Victorian romantic fiction was that it was the only place, apart from the nursery, where a spinster lady could encounter a man referring to a woman by her Christian name. We live in a soppy but friendlier society. You do not have to refer to strangers by their first names. But when they do it to you, you must grin and bear it. They mean well, even though they are idiots.
In social kissing, the problem of how many kisses one gives – two, three or four – and whether one starts on the left or the right is something that I have never fathomed. From what I have observed, the French aren’t sure either.
Valerie Godefroy, Chatillon-sur-Cher, France
The only sound rule for the ‘etiket’ of social kissing is to let the lady lead, as in dancing (actually, though not formally, unless the man is Fred Astaire). As to the frequency, I observe that the French give more kisses than the colder British. The southern English mwah noise onomatopoeia is suburban and twee. (Let us not mock the kissing customs of other tribes, for fear that they mock ours.) It is up to you, madame. I should start on the right, as you drive on the right. But be decisive. Try to avoid a nasal crash or full lip contact, except with best friends.
Please resolve my chronic quandary about how to sign off my letters and postcards. ‘Yours sincerely’ sounds stuffy to the younger generation. I cannot bring myself to scrawl ‘Cheers’ as my younger son does. How can I bridge this generation gap?
Mrs W. H., Windsor
The signing-off code in British letter-writing runs the gamut from extreme formality to extreme matiness. Much the grandest is the traditional ending to a letter to the Editor of The Times or one’s commanding officer: ‘I have the honour, Sir, to remain your obedient servant.’ As with most such literary codas, this is the lie direct. ‘Yours sincerely’ is correct and dignified (though possibly untrue). ‘Yours’ is cold. ‘Yours faithfully’ to bank managers and other tradesmen. ‘Yours ever’ is OK. ‘Yours aye’ for Scots. ‘Best wishes’ and ‘Yours, as ever’ are quaintly old-fashioned. ‘Cheers’ and ‘All the best’ are Charlie. ‘Luv’ is postmodernist jokey but friendly. ‘Love’ if you mean it.
How ‘correct’ is it to send greetings cards over the Internet? I have many friends abroad and find it easier to do it this way. Or do people still prefer to receive a card?
Jonathan Marley, Frome
Only stuffpots and dinosaurs object to being greeted through cyberspace – and such people are unlikely to be on the Internet. It is not the medium but the message that matters.
At a recent social function in New York I met a number of old girlfriends. My first friend greeted me with a kiss on both cheeks, which I took to be the custom. However, on greeting a second friend in the same manner, I was left ‘hanging’ in mid-air with lips pursed. Who decides the number of kisses?
Edward Parry, address withheld
It is prudent to leave the initiative with the female. Social kissing conventions vary between countries and classes. In some excitable Latin countries any fewer than four kisses is reckoned cold. The man should exchange the first kiss and then wait, poised like a tiger, for indications of how many more are expected. It is polite to let the woman lead. She probably does not enjoy the experience as much as the man.
What is the proper way to address former royals? I have met several claimants, exiles and such and there seems to be confusion as to how to be correct in this matter. For instance, are those who have abdicated, even under duress, still ‘Majesty’? In the case of the king of Serbia, is he ‘Royal Highness’, ‘Highness’ or just ‘Sir’? And what of the children of former/exiled royals and claimants?
Robert Hall, address withheld
Former royals have by definition lost their titles, although they may have retained (invented) some lesser ones. However, in general one should address people as they like to be addressed, and most former royals find it hard to abdicate their titles even though they have lost their royalty. If the former king of Ruritania wishes to be still called that, do so in the first instance. After that, ‘Sir’ will do, unless you can manage ‘Your Majesty’ without sounding sarcastic or sycophantic.
As my favourite vice is peering into the windows of other people’s houses, I have no objection when passers-by linger to admire the features of my open-plan kitchen. I give them a cheery wave and am often rewarded by an agreeable thumbs-up. However, some folk toss their haughty heads and sidle off. What is the correct acknowledgement?
Diana Eden, London SW17
We all enjoy inspecting the domestic interiors of others, as we enjoy assessing the shopping in their trolleys at the supermarket. Your uninvited visitors feel embarrassed at being caught snooping. Putting your tongue out, cocking a snook or mooning will make them even crosser. Smile sweetly, keep waving. Do not on any account put up lace curtains as a barrier against snoopers – very Hyacinth Bucket.
How should a young man introduce his father, who has had a sex-change operation and lives as a woman, to his friends? He can hardly refer to him/her as his mother. ‘Quondam father’ just draws attention to a painful subject. And ‘relation’ seems too vague.
Name and address withheld
This is probably very difficult for the father concerned. Read Jan Morris’s Conundrum. One should play it quite straight. After all, he is still a father. Say: ‘This is my father/old man.’ Do not add: ‘He has had the operation, you know’; leave it to friends’ good manners not to stare pointedly at the old (wo)man’s hairy legs.
What should we do when we meet someone who clearly recognises us and seems to know quite a lot about us, but we cannot remember who they are?
Dorothy Fleming, Sheffield
This is why some of us adopt the bufferish solution of addressing such people as ‘dear boy’, ‘dear girl’, or ‘dear old thing’ (the last to be used only if the interlocutor is under thirty). Honesty is usually the best policy, but I shrink from wounding such a person by saying: ‘Remind me where we met.’ This sounds patronising and self-important. Bluff and white lies are better manners on such occasions.
I have been invited to a garden party at Buckingham Palace this summer. I am quite a sociable person and would like to talk to the other people there. Is there a correct way of approaching a (possibly royal) stranger for conversation or polite comment, or should I wait to be introduced? Would they expect people there to talk to them?
Andrew Laing, via e-mail
Her Majesty’s garden parties are jolly occasions. Be sociable. Introduce yourself. Observe some of the guests secreting saucers in their handbags as souvenirs. Do not spoil their day by letting on that the saucers are from Joe Lyons, not Buck House. Enjoy the majestic portaloos. They have gilt fixtures, piped music, running hot and cold water and running flunkeys in Georgian uniform who brush your coat while you are peeing, causing you to miss the bowl. Do not be worried about introducing yourself to a royal. You will be fenced off behind ropes. The royals will be paraded down the corridors by marshals and introduced to the chosen, pre-selected, pre-warned few. Do not push and stretch to attempt to touch a royal. This is very bad form. Have fun. You sound a jolly boy to have at a party. Her Maj is lucky to have you along.
When greeting someone with a handshake, should I first remove my glove? I’m referring to outdoor gloves worn in cold climates, and not those worn with formal attire.
Cynthia Lang, Tulsa, Oklahoma
Yes. Ornamental gloves are worn in the UK on very ceremonial and ceremonious occasions these days. But you would still remove them before eating or shaking hands. Ditto for woolly gloves in a cold climate. There is no longer a Victorian taboo on touching flesh of the opposite sex. Even in the severe weather of Tulsa in winter, I should remove your gloves before shaking hands. The greeting is a gesture of friendship, and shows that you are not holding a dagger or a Borgia phial in your right hand.
I was surprised to read that Brian Sylvester equates Esq. with prithee etc. I always address letters to males ‘esq.’, but ‘the lady wife’ and ‘mine host’ are on the level of asking someone to ‘take wine’, which I thought died out years ago. Forsooth, I hope that Brian will have a beer with me next time we meet.
David Hurwich, Anon-e-mail
Gadzooks, Sir, idioms grow old and become laughing-stocks, like the rest of us. Nobody of any linguistic sensitivity would explore every avenue or leave no stone unturned these days. This does not stop members of Parliament doing so. On balance, I bung an ‘esq.’ on the addresses of males, as those who are offended by its omission marginally outnumber those, like Brian Sylvester, who are irritated by its inclusion.
I find I’m getting arthritis in the little pinky of my right hand. I’m a fan of the firm handshake and give one myself, but I’ve been subjected lately to a couple of bone-crushing handshakes that left my finger in pain for days. Is it rude to offer my left hand, with a cheery explanation? My hand is too small to angle the pinky away from your generally great big male hands. And it would hardly do to say ‘Please, be gentle with me’ before shaking hands.
Pat Gallagher, Los Gatos, California
Shaking right hands on meeting, departing, settling a quarrel, confirming a deal or embarking on a contest is an old custom. It shows that you are not holding an offensive weapon. Shakespeare, Antony and Cleopatra: ‘Fortune and Antony part here; even here / Do we shake hands.’
However, it is not obligatory to shake hands. It is polite for the woman to decide what she wants to do, whether to shake or not to shake. The man should take his lead from her. It is dangerous and offensive to offer your ‘unclean’ left hand in Muslim countries, India and many parts of the far East, where the left hand is used for more earthy purposes than shaking. In European countries to patent Europeans, I sometimes offer my left hand if my right hand is occupied with gear, a child, a dog or something else.
Since your hand is painful, you could just bow gracefully, if necessary explaining that your hand hurts. These days you are lucky in the excitable south of England not to be seized and smackingly bussed on both cheeks by total strangers.
My wife and I were at a lunch party for twelve which included three gay men, all of whom greeted each other with a peck on the cheek. I got a formal handshake and felt left out. As I often greet male friends with a kiss (if I know it’s welcome) would it have been OK for me to have initiated something more friendly? We had all met before.
Socially confused, Brighton
We live in socially confusing times. You should greet friends in the way that comes naturally to you, and especially to them. I try to let whoever I am greeting, of whatever sex, lead in the manner of greeting. I should do what comes naturally, within the generous touch-lines of Brighton behaviour.
The Christmas card season is almost upon us. Some couples on my list live together but are not married. What is the correct way to address the envelope? Options are: Bertie Bagshaw and Clarissa Crump; Mr B. Bagshaw and Miss C. Crump; Bertie and Clarissa. I usually opt for the last one, but none seems really satisfactory.
Dennis J. Duggan, Welshpool, Montgomeryshire
Protocol is made by man, not man by protocol. Formally, Mr B. Bagshaw and Miss C. Crump seems right to me. But these are informal circumstances. I judge that you have worked out the solution just right. Either: Bertie and Clarissa. Or: Clarissa Crump and Bertie Bagshaw. We must always try to work out how the parties would themselves choose to be addressed.
My boyfriend has a smelly hippy friend who has got into the habit of hugging everybody when he meets them, including me. Although I hug very good friends, I feel uncomfortable hugging people whom I do not know so well, especially smelly ones. I like him but would prefer to give him a kiss on the cheek. Any tips on how I could get out of his smelly bear hug?
Georgina Mirfin, London
Tricky. I think that the woman should lead in social greeting, indicating by body language whether she prefers a handshake, a peck or a hug. But the hippy’s hug is intended to be a gesture of warmth and friendship. To fend it off or resile from it could be interpreted as a hostile gesture. You have to surrender to your hippy’s smelly hugs, without by so much as a wrinkle of your nose indicating distaste. That is the generous (rather saintly) response. It is up to your boyfriend to help to improve his friend’s hugging manners, if they are amendable.
The wife of a knight or baronet is addressed as Lady so-and-so. How is one supposed to address a gay ‘bride’?
Jeremy, York
Custom has yet to address this novel Catch-22. In equity the same-sex partner of a gay couple ought to be dignified, as the wife of a baronet or knight becomes a lady. But what? The only serious possibility at present is Sir, or Lady for the lesbian partner of a dame. But is it fair for the partner to achieve the same title, without having done anything for it? Fairness has nothing to do with titles, only farce. Snobbery will soon answer your question.
Is it correct for people in the service industry to refer to customers as ‘guys’? I am fed up with my wife and I being told ‘Hello guys, is there anything on the menu you have questions about?’ or ‘Hello guys, your table will be ready soon’ etc.
G., New York
The young are starting to address mixed company as ‘guys’ over here as well. It is a cheap and cheerful salutation, which I associate with New York burger joints and greasy spoons. It signals the independence of workers in the New York service industries, and the self-belief that they are quite as important as those they are serving. Quite right too. It amuses and cheers me.
Could you please comment on this: ‘To make a strong impression when shaking hands, touch the person lightly on the elbow. But never for longer than three seconds.’ I find the touching repulsive.
Robert L. Hunt, Shenzhen, China
Some kiss. Some rub noses. Some namaste with palms pressed together. Others touch the elbow. Chaqu’un à sa courtoisie. When in China do as the Chinese do. Accept having your elbow touched with grace. You do not have to reciprocate.
It is generally my instinct, on meeting people for the first time, to offer my cheek. However, I am about to meet my boyfriend’s father and have been warned that he is rather reserved and a touch old-fashioned. I do not want to cause any awkwardness: will a handshake do?
S. Ashar, London
A peck on the cheek should be a mild pleasure for both participants, not a chore or an embarrassment. The general rule is that the woman should lead, on the romantic ground that she is the more delicate and fragile of the two peckers. Otherwise the encounter mimicks the Rape of the Sabine Women. However, in your case – younger woman meeting older virtual father figure – it is generous to allow him the benefit of the peck. You should let him lead, without his being aware that he is doing so. Watch like a hawk to see whether he advances his hand for a shake or purses his lips for a mwah. Then comply with modesty but warmth.
It seems to be customary to exclaim that long-lost friends are ‘looking well’. Often, however, the friends in question are actually plumper, balder and generally older-looking. In cases like this, when time has not been kind, is there an alternative greeting?
Christine Wright, Waterview Heights, Australia
Time is not kind even to Peter Pans and Narcissi – and Little Orphan Annies. We age. We develop wrinkles and stretch marks. Our hair falls out. Our breasts travel south to meet our beer bellies travelling north. Our hips and knees seize up. None of us likes to be reminded of the passage of time that we observe in the mirror. Nevertheless, if people are actual mortal ruins, to tell them that they look very well might seem an unkind sarcasm. So I should go in for generous expressions of pleasure at meeting an old acquaintance, passing tactfully over whatever they look like.
When greeting female friends with social ‘cheek kissing’, what degree of contact is considered proper? Should it be purely an ‘air’ kiss, or should one aim for a grazing of cheeks? I have realised that I normally give my closer friends a proper kiss on the cheek, allowing a brief touch from lips to cheek. Is this considered improper? Do the same rules apply when greeting my Italian and American friends, or do they have different customs and expectations?
Name and address withheld
These are delicate matters of kissing etiquette that vary between nations, classes, cultures, tribes and individuals. Continental Europeans tend to go in for the tripartite kiss – left, right and left again. The onomatopoeic miming of the ‘mwah, mwah’ noise is optional. Some circles consider it very middle class, if not Charlie. The only rule of ‘etiket’ that I can invent is to allow the woman to lead. As in dancing, as in the rest of life, this is the most prudent (and gentlemanly) course. Some women do not wish to be kissed – at any rate, not by me. Whether to kiss right or left cheek first is another problematic option. Let the woman lead, or you will end up bumping noses. Really good friends touch lips.
What is the correct response to a stranger who greets you as though you were an old friend?
Patrick Carson, Lancaster
I should mistrust my memory and eyesight. Perhaps we have forgotten the face or voice of a friend. I should welcome friendliness from a stranger. Smile, with pleasure, even without recognition. I use ‘dear boy’, ‘dear girl’ and ‘dear old thing’ for these lapsus memoriae. But some find these appellations patronising.