As an Englishman recently transferred from London I am finding it difficult to translate common British courtesies into my New York environment. As a simple example: in the UK I would think nothing of holding a door open for either ladies or gentlemen. While I will not do this to be thanked, invariably I would be. In New York, if I were to do the same for a gentleman I would find myself either thanked or ignored. But if I were to do the same for a lady the response would vary between being ignored or being regarded suspiciously. An American I spoke to agreed this would be her reaction and suggested I should not expect British etiquette to ‘travel well’. Are good manners not international?
Graeme Scrivener, via e-mail
Manners, like language, are tribal. New Yorkers are famously brusque. British gallantry goes down better in Atlanta and Charleston. The only ‘good manners’ that are important and cross oceans are treating people as you would like to be treated yourself; this is the golden rule. Carry on opening doors for those pushy New Yorkers. But do not do so smugly, as though you were Sir Walter Raleigh.
I’m a proud Canadian, born and raised in the True North. My wife’s family came over from England more than twenty-five years ago. They are nice folk and recently their other daughter has returned from England with her husband. They are now preaching the greatness of ‘God’s country’. Everything English is ‘proper’ and they make cracks about how things here aren’t like they are at home. I want to put them on the next flight to Heathrow but I’d rather solve it in a better manner. Can you suggest a way to tell them to stop running down my home and native land?
John Labatt, Toronto
Methinks your sister-in-law doth protest too much. There is no point in arguing with Little Englanders or other chauvinists. They are past conviction. They are often trying to annoy, provoke or tease. They may feel insecure. To let her get under your skin is to play her at her own game, and lose. Anybody with any sense knows that Canada is a great country. Proud Canadians should be tough enough to take the boastings of the foolish and ill-educated with a thick skin, generosity and a sense of humour. Laugh with, not at, them. Pity them, privately. And show your cool Canadian superiority by refusing to enter into nationalist arguments with them.
My husband has an embarrassing habit of talking in pidgin English whenever he meets anyone from overseas. I don’t think he knows he’s doing it but all the rest of the family cringe, and the children have started refusing to go to Italian restaurants. We frequently have overseas visitors, and although I think he means well, they must all think he is mad. How can we stop this habit?
Name and address withheld
I should tell him, gently, that most foreigners speak far better English than the Brits speak any foreign language. You might mock him by addressing him in exaggerated pidgin English. But that depends a bit on how he would take such mockery. My father-in-law, Reggie, had exactly the same habit of addressing all foreigners or presumed foreigners in Pidgin IdiotSpeak. I never plucked up the courage to explain to him. And he might not have listened anyway. But it would be a kindness at least to explain the modern world to your husband. Perhaps an older child should be the messenger. But if he pays no attention, you will have to let the old fool burble on.
In Sydney, an annoying conversational habit has developed. People, upon first meeting me, ask: ‘Do you rent or buy?’ I find this impertinent. Do people in London ask this type of question?
Paul Martin, Sydney
Indeed we do have property bores (wild boars) in London. They are our latest plague also. You could consider a Propertymanship reply: ‘Do you mean our town house, our country house or our holiday estate?’ You could fake philosophical unconcern, implying that such banausic matters are best left to your estate agent and factor: ‘I quite forget: my people look after such things.’ But why bother? Sigh, and sit back to be bored with tales of how smart, well-housed and wealthy your show-off interlocutor is.
Can you give a little guidance on what different nationalities think of shaking hands? Some nationalities seem to think you are rude if you don’t, but I was introduced to a Chinese lady recently who looked horrified when I stuck my hand out to say how d’you do. Would some nationalities rather avoid it?
Howard Wilkinson, Berkshire
Different societies have different gestures for greeting. Indians make the graceful namaste with hands together. Maoris rub noses, I guess to goodish friends. In many parts of the Middle East the left hand is a taboo extremity. The Romans made a kind of Nazi salute. The Japanese bow, gracefully. The handshake with the right hand, firm enough to bring tears to the eyes, is a Western European greeting. It shows that you do not have an offensive weapon in your sword hand.
When Jehu asked Jehonabad if his ‘heart was right’ with him, he said: ‘If it be, give me thy hand,’ and Jehonabad gave him his hand (2 Kings, x, 15). Similarly Nestor shook hands with Ulysses on his return to the Grecian camp with the stolen horses of Rhesus. ‘Then Judas, thinking indeed that they would be profitable in many things, granted them peace; whereupon they shook hands, and so they departed to their tents’ (2 Maccabees, xii, 12).
Do not force anybody to shake hands by advancing right hand extended, as though it is a sword. Always let the woman lead. Watch what the other party does, and reciprocate. It is Western arrogance to assume that everybody wants to press flesh.
Why, in Britain, is irony regarded as a moral virtue, when in America it is a moral failing?
Sonja Auhagen, Heidelberg, Germany
Well, we Brits have centuries of dissimulation, pride, wordplay, sarcasm and irony behind us. Our national poet, Shakespeare, is a master of double meanings and treble bluffs. It was probably partly to escape from English irony as well as intolerance that the Pilgrim Fathers sailed the ocean blue to the new world. Still, I have known (and read) some exquisitely ironic Germans. And English football fans would not appreciate irony if it jumped up and bit them on their bums.
My husband and I visit Britain two or three times a year and are fortunate to have made friends in our travels, and in turn to have been invited to functions from weddings to birthday parties. Please explain the difference between ‘smart’, ‘smart casual’ and ‘formal’ attire. Applying the US definitions, we have been either under or overdressed on a few occasions, and we would like to get it right.
Karen Davis, Virginia
Cripes. These distinctions of dress codes have an infinite variety that confuses even natives, to the vestimentary mannerism born. But, in general, and speaking roughly, weddings specify morning dress (tail coats, peculiar to the British), but dark suit and tie for gents usually acceptable, and evening parties black tie (tuxedo) for gents. Bling, dress to kill, for ladies. Smart casual suggests coat (not jacket, which is common unless it is a Norfolk or dinner jacket) and tie, and polished shoes, not trainers, for chaps. Possibly a cravat or open-neck will pass, and jeans for the younger male, if clean (both jeans and young male). And dress to kill, bling-bling, but with a mild disorder such as a Hermès scarf, in the dress, for ladies. ‘Formal’ is a very unhelpful invitation, and bad form. It should specify: ‘black tie’ or ‘morning dress’.
I am an Australian who has lived in London for the past five years. I am regularly questioned by English people about my visa status, and ‘how come I get to stay here so long’. I also frequently hear about how English people are allowed into Australia for a year only, or sometimes a comment about how all Australians work in bars, and how ‘there’s so many of you over here’. After being here for a while I am finding these questions and comments intrusive and unnecessary, especially as they seem to be delivered with thinly veiled resentment rather than genuine curiosity. How do you suggest I respond?
Z. D., London
With robust Oz humour and espièglerie: ‘Oh, I’m here on a reciprocal programme for the first settlers at Botany Bay.’ The best way to rebuff such impertinence is with good humour and wisecracking. Do not let them get under your skin, or imagine hostility where there may be none intended. Sensible Limeys recognise that we are cousins under the skin, and that Australians reinforce our national band of brothers and sisters, saints and sinners, on this Ship of Fools.
Your advice to ‘eat your food in a tidy way which does not offend your fellow diners’ brings to mind a social dilemma which I have suffered overseas, where eating with one’s (right-handed) fingers is de rigueur. As the left hand is used for ‘cleaning oneself’, it is highly offensive to touch food with it. I am left-handed. Should I risk causing offence, or attempt to conform in an untidy way – or simply starve?
Chris Handley, Kew, Surrey
Dashed tricky. But I reckon that the policy of eating in a way that does not offend our companions means that sinistrals should use their right hands to eat in company where we are using fingers. I know that this is bad luck on the left-handed. But we were not sent into the world entirely for pleasure. And the forced dexterity will mean that you are a good guest and do not gollop your food faster than your host.
I am facing an extended trip to London to work with our UK office. As you are aware, we are two countries separated by a common language. Any recommendations on English etiquette/speech/spelling reference books?
R. Swanson, Tampa, Florida
Sensible Brits admire and respect Americans, and do not want them to ape our behaviour. There are various guides to British English and etiquette but they are all useless. The only good manners that matter are to treat other people as you would like to be treated. In many ways Americans have better manners than the British. You tend to be more open and friendly. We tend to be reserved and socially awkward. But do not imagine that British reserve means that we are looking down our long noses at you. We aren’t.
I am an Australian and have started work at a London investment house. I am worried that I may not seem as polished and gracious as my upper-crust colleagues. Can you give me some general advice on how to conduct myself?
Steve McDonald, London
Be yourself. Different countries and classes have different codes of trivial manners. Middle-class Australian manners are neither worse nor better than those of posh London yuppies in an investment house. The only universal manners are to treat others in this Great Investment House of Fools as we should like to be treated ourselves. Do not worry about polish. It is trivial and insincere.
I have been living in America for two years, and have been going through misery because of my first name. Most people here are not familiar with it, so when I introduce myself, the strange name, delivered in my Welsh accent, draws a confused look and mispronunciation. I am being polite: most people slaughter it, or call me Brianna, and it bothers me. (My husband accuses me of being too sensitive.) How do I correct them politely?
Rhiannon Schmidt, Houghton, Michigan
Rhiannon is a beautiful Welsh name borne in Celtic mythology by a minor deity associated with the moon, and in The Mabinogion by a daughter of Hyfeidd the Old. It is probably derived from the Old Celtic title Rigantona – Great Queen. You must cultivate the thick skin and composure of a great queen. People get less beautiful names than yours wrong. I have been called Phil, Pip, Floppety and Flip in my time, and have had my name spelt Phillip with double L. Philip means lover of horses. PhiLLip means lover of fat. Take pride in your proud name, but do not fuss about those who get it wrong. The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on.
Recently I was invited to a concert. Whenever the orchestra paused after playing a piece of music, the audience started coughing like mad. The atmosphere was like a doctor’s waiting room. My friend told me that this is the customary English sign of appreciation. Can you please tell me if this is so, and the origin of your strange custom?
Francis Ching
Your friend was pulling your leg. Because of our climate, we English suffer from hacking corfs from November to March. Trying to stifle a cough while the orchestra is playing only makes the tickle worse. So we explode with coughs between movements. But to clap between movements or cough during them is considered seriously bad form.
In Australia there is a tendency for people, when their hands are full, to place any additional items in their mouths to carry them (e.g. bus tickets, pieces of paper etc.). Is such behaviour observed or tolerated in the United Kingdom?
Dave Jansen, Brisbane, Australia
Yes, I have seen it done, and done it myself in fraught circs such as a windy day with more small children, Jack Russells and parcels than I can cope with by hands and feet alone. I suppose it may be considered uncouth in public rather than private places. But wot the hell. Man is the handy animal. We may not have prehensile tails, but we are adaptable and ingenious at handling and toothing things. Autres gens, autres mouths.
We are coming to England for the first time on vacation. Any advice, please?
Martin Lancaster, Texas
Do not talk politics. The Brits are shy of the topic. Do not travel on the Underground during rush hour. See the tourist sights, such as the Tower of London and the British Library. But get off the beaten track also. Not just Oxford or Cambridge, but Bury St Edmunds or Winchester. The sensible Brits are basically lovers of America. You are our brothers and sisters under the skin and across the pond. Welcome. Have fun.