I have always followed the advice on etiquette and dress codes from the authoritative columnist in the authoritative daily newspaper. However, when I observe next to his column a society photo of a man wearing a string vest to a summer party at Sotheby’s, I begin to have doubts about my man’s authority. Am I wrong?
Anonymoses, by Anon-e-mail
You would be imprudent to follow the advice of any newspaper guru slavishly. What does he know? For all we know, he wears only a string vest to work. We best learn our manners from our parents, our tribal elders and our peers. We dress to please ourselves and our friends, not Jeeves, Beau Brummell or Claude Cattermole (‘Catsmeat’) Potter-Pirbright. In any case, a party at an auctioneers is by no means ritzy or even Annabellish. Just a naff and noisy crush of liggers and other freeloaders. I imagine that a string vest was considered quite dressy at such an occasion. In any case, a newspaper is a great hamper full of various Tupperware boxes. You do not have to enjoy, taste or approve of every box. Though you should be able to understand all of them.
What is the dress code for kilt-wearers at a Pakistani wedding reception in London on a Saturday evening? Ties or bow ties?
John Hardie, Aberdeen
I should set out wearing a daytime tie of an appropriate tribal pattern. The Hunting Hardie? But in my sporran, I should carry a bow tie for emergencies. I should then play it by skean-dhu. If other kilties start appearing in bow ties, I should change ties. Purists say that you should not wear Highland dress south of the Highland Line. But let that pass.
I have been told by a friend that it is not sartorially correct to show a handkerchief in the breast pocket of one’s dinner jacket. Is this so?
Anonymoses from Anonywhere
The short answer is No. Don’t be so wet. The longer, more interesting answer is that flashy dressers have always worn a handkerchief in the breast pocket of both evening dress and dinner jacket. Claude Cattermole (‘Catsmeat’) Potter-Pirbright, the Beau Brummell of the Drones Club and Arbiter Elegantiae, is never seen without one. Nor was Edward VIII, the Duke of Windsor. The handkerchief should be white, silk if possible, and folded with a cavalier disorder, not triangular precision. Dress to please yourself (and, prudently, your partner), not dictators of vestimentary correctitude.
I have been given my first evening suit. What shirt and collar should go with it? Can I wear a coloured shirt or one with frills?
Martin Taylor, Berwick
The correct shirt with a dinner jacket is plain white and without frills. Coloured shirts and lace are for the jabots of men in kilts. A watch chain is acceptable if it belonged to your grandfather. Wing collars are strictly for evening dress (white tie and tails). Dress codes have relaxed. The object is to be as comfortable as possible in this absurd costume.
My wife and I were going out for a meal to a good restaurant with my sister and brother-in-law. I was wearing a plain grey suit and a rather smart pair of brown suede shoes. My brother-in-law exclaimed: ‘What, brown shoes after six o’clock?’ Had I committed a sin? It spoilt my evening.
Bruce Morgan, Derby
You simply challenged an outworn fetish. Was your brother-in-law in a socially insecure cavalry regiment? To some colour tastes, black does march better than brown with grey.
I am puzzled about the etiquette of ties. Among the smart set I notice that hardly any men put a tie on with their evening clothes – dinner jackets or smoking. They seem to think this is trendy. But if you look at Country magazine, there are pictures of jolly groups of men wearing dinner jackets with bow ties (varied colours sometimes). So there must be divisions – class, careers, age and so on. What do you think?
Patricia Woods, Framlingham
The tie is an obsolescent vestige, like the appendix in the human body. It goes back to the days before mass-produced buttons, when a chap needed some sort of cravat to bridge the top of his shirt and the bottom of his Adam’s apple. The tie is also a residual badge of masculinity. It is still conventional good manners to wear a bow tie with a dinner jacket, and a necktie with lounge suits. Coloured bow ties with evening dress are problematic and Charlie, unless, perhaps, you are all exhibiting corporate loyalty to some organisation such as the Old Cheeses’s Rowing and Bicycling Club. Many of the smarter London clubs still refuse admittance to the tieless untied. To go tieless declares to anybody concerned: ‘I am a bit of a swinger and Bohemian, who does not give a front stud for conventional dress codes.’ This is, in fact, rude in most company.
A friend of a friend has been invited to Windsor for Prince Edward’s fortieth, and has been advised that the dress code is ‘lounge suits’. Keen not to over-glitz, she would like to know how this translates into feminine attire. Could you please suggest some possible glad rags?
Chris Webb, Titchfield, Hampshire
All that the ‘lounge suits’ code formally signifies is ‘not evening dress or dinner jackets’ for males. (‘Females to use their superior judgement.’) I suspect that it will be impossible to over-glitz the bling-bling that will be on parade among the women. Red is said to be the colour of the season, otherwise a little black number is a safe bid. I should avoid a tiara, even if it is the family one. But then, I am not female and am still waiting for my invitation.
What’s the form with buttoning a three-button suit? I heard somewhere that one never does the top button up, and that the bottom button can be undone before sitting down. Obviously there are occasions when none of the buttons are fastened. I mention that I am of slim build, not out of vanity but to make you aware that I have no excess midriff to disguise.
James Lamb, Farnham
It makes a difference whether we are dealing with a double- or single-breasted suit. There are wonderfully complex rules governing these buttons, invented by Savile Row tailors and public schools. At some schools, if you button the wrong button you are liable to derision for acting above your station for fastening a button reserved as a privilege for prefects. When in doubt, never fasten the top button of a coat (‘jacket’ is considered Charlie by sartorial snobs) or the bottom button of a weskit. A well-tailored suit is so close-fitting anyway that it is uncomfortable to fasten any buttons – in the same way that really snappy dressers such as the Duke of Wellington used to wear trousers so tight that they were not tailored for sitting down in. In my case, the problem is resolved because my coats have lost all their buttons anyway, so there is no danger of my committing a social solecism. We should regard such sartorial snobberies with amused but concealed contempt, and do up any bloody buttons we want on our jackets or coats, supposing that we have any.
Please could you let me know what is appropriate dress for women at a wedding with a dress code of ‘black tie’? I assume that a cocktail dress would be best and that one should not wear black. I am particularly unsure whether it is in order to wear a hat.
Lucy Cottrell, Blackheath, London
I am touched (and amazed) that a lady should consult me about what to wear. In my life it is the reverse. Ladies are continually advising (reproving?) me about what I am wearing. ‘Black tie’ suggests that this is an evening wedding. Though not in the States or continental Europe, where tuxedos are usually worn instead of morning dress for nuptials, even in the morning. See Grace Kelly, Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby in High Society. I should wear a ‘cocktail’ or smart party dress, convenient for dancing. You may wear a hat. Many will. But it should be a hat of a compact size that is not going to knock anybody over, or make it impossible for gallants to salute you with a kiss. A lot of women are wearing bling-bling artificial feathers in their hair instead of hats this year. The important thing is not what you wear, except that it should not outshine either the bride or the bride’s mother. The best dress is a cheerful face and at least an appearance of having the time of your life. It is the day of the happy couple taking their great dive into the dark, not your day.
When baptised by total immersion at church twenty years ago, I was chaperoned by a deaconess who dressed me in a white tunic suit. To my dismay, my daughter (a beautiful woman in her early twenties) and a friend have chosen to witness a baptism in white, one-piece swimsuits. Am I out of touch?
M. H., Birmingham
Perhaps. A little. Times have moved on. Dress codes have relaxed for business, bingeing and even baptism. What matters in this rite of passage is faith and commitment, not clothes. Your daughter and her friend would be unselfish to avoid upsetting you and others in the congregation. You would be unselfish not to let prejudice ruin the day.
I like to wear a bow tie. My girlfriend says that it makes me look ridiculous and snooty. What do you advise?
Philip Hargreaves, London
My Fashion Editrice says that everything we wear makes a statement. The conventional wisdom is that a bow tie states that its wearer is a bit of a lad with nothing much else other than his little butterfly at his Adam’s apple to make him stand out from the common herd. Like most conventional wisdom, this is unfair and inaccurate. A tie of whatever sort is an uneasy class signifier of respectability. It is not a garment to be taken seriously. I should dress to please yourself. But you would also be prudent to take anything your girlfriend says seriously, if you want this to be a lasting relationship.
I am going to an outdoor opera this month. On the ticket it says it is a black-tie event. I don’t know what to wear – I have never been to an event like this before. Will it be really fancy? And what if it rains? What does everyone do then?
Bernard McGuinness, Anonywhere
Outdoor opera in June brings out the ancestral fortitude of the British character. It goes back to the Druids. Tramp up Snowdon, with your woad on, to see Eugene Onegin – never mind if you get rained or snowed on. In addition to black tie, the prudent opera-goer takes gumboots, umbrellas, rainhats, plastic bags for pulling over her head and hip flasks. The only rule is never to let the weather stop the opera.
Are there any items of clothing which a septuagenarian should add to (or subtract from) his wardrobe in order to live with smart casual invitations?
David Wells, Wimbledon
Septuagenarians have almost reached the age at which they can dress to please themselves rather than the passing show of observers. Cleanliness, lack of holes and stains matter more than style. Septuagenarians should always buy new shoes for smart casual, as costly as their purse can buy. They may have attained the maturity to discard their jeans, and in particular should think twice about exposing the cleft in their buttocks. Consider the ultimate sacrifice of giving up the yellow cardy with holes.
I often tuck my tie into my trousers because it stops it flapping around. Is this a sartorial faux pas?
J. M. S., London
Jeeves would probably not recommend tucking your tie into your trousers. The tucked-in tie is considered by some as a bit naff, much like sporting a shining row of pencils and ballpoints in one’s breast pocket. But you should ignore the snobs.
What should a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
D. K., London
In Highland regiments, not a thing – unless the Jock is performing Highland dancing in public. Because of its thickness and many pleats, the military kilt is surprisingly warm around the crotch, even when the Scotch Mist is howling horizontally up the Sma’ Glen. Experto crede. The regimental sergeant major of the Black Watch used to walk behind the ranks on parade, raising kilts with his swagger stick every so often, to make sure that bare bums not wimpish knickers were exposed under there. Anybody wearing knickers was removed from the parade ground without his feet touching the ground. But for Highland dancing olive-green shorts were allowed, in order not to excite prurient spectators by the swirling kilts and private parts. For officers’ and civilian kilts, what is worn under them is a matter between the Highlander and his machismo.
Are braces considered antiquated? I wear braces to hold up my work trousers and receive sniggers. Does it mark me out as a fuddy-duddy?
Angus Markham, Leicester
Braces are slightly old-fashioned, and, I suppose, mildly humorous. I wish they still had buttonholes and not clips which part, leaving my braces hanging around my neck. Braces used to be de rigueur with natty gents’ suiting. They preserved the twin vertical precipices of the trousers without bunching. Times have moved on, yet I should wear your braces with pride. I have a pair decorated with naked ladies, and another pair proclaiming (implausibly): ‘Veni, vidi, vici.’
What do you think of the fashion for gentlemen wearing gaudily coloured socks? I am astonished by them on the Tube, in the bus, on the street.
A. J. Evans, Belgravia
There is a recent jaunty fashion for wearing club and old-boy colours in socks. MCC (bacon and scrambled egg) and the Garrick Club (avocado and prawn) are particularly flamboyant. Jeeves and Prince Albert would purse their lips and shake their heads. But I rather approve. It has become vulgar to wear old school ties. But feet are such strange impediments that I think that colour cheers them up.
At lunch today I was described by my fiancée as a scruff. I confess that the cuff of my favourite blue shirt is slightly frayed, and there is a minor worn patch on the back of my favourite cords. In mitigation I was wearing a decent tie and polished shoes. I look at these garments as old friends, and consider minor faults shabby genteel. Am I hopelessly fogeyish to stick to my old, familiar clothes?
Name and address withheld
They do say that the prime test of a gent’s dress is his shoes. Everything you wear makes a statement. But there are more important things to worry about. For example, is the man inside the cords intelligent, humorous, kind and good fun? And a prudent man listens carefully to what his fiancée says. Why not compromise, and buy a replica of your favourite blue shirt. Fine feathers do not make a gentleman.
I would be most interested to hear your views on designer stubble. The fashion seems to have started with yob footballers and pop idols, and progressed now to higher forms of life.
Anonymoses, Dorset
Everything we wear, even on our faces, makes a statement. Designer stubble could be taken to proclaim: ‘I am a trendy boy who does not bother with old-fashioned rasorial conventions.’ Jeeves, and older perfectionists, would consider it slack and rude. We have to decide in which platoon we wish to sign on. Designer stubble may be mildly dashing in the young and beardless. It is a bit ugly and slapdash on the older face. Well, I think so. But my views are formed, as are everybody’s, by my upbringing and training.
Why do many beer-belly men wear trousers with a 32-inch waist?
A.W. Jenkins, York