Is it rude to ask how much someone earns?
J. Kemp, Margate
We Brits tend to be curiously sensitive about what we earn. Other cultures are not so reticent. Is it envy or diffidence or merely keeping up with the Joneses? If the question bothers you, you can always deflect it with an English backhand: ‘Not enough, I tell my boss.’ Or: ‘Are you offering me a job, Sir?’
Although the value of true love is priceless, is there any convention on how much a gentleman should spend on an engagement ring?
Kerr Morton, Greenock
Engagement rings have a longer history than wedding rings. Since the Romans, they have symbolised the pledge to marry. In modern Britain the choice of stone and style, antique or modern, is usually made by the girl and paid for by the man. You could try suggesting that in this post-feminist age the cost should be shared.
I am staying for the weekend with a school friend who has married and lives in some style in the country. I do not think they have live-in servants but I am sure they have cooks and bed-makers. Whom do I have to tip and how much, and what should I take as a present?
Fiona Mackenzie, Ayr
Ask your hostess, discreetly, on your last morning. Depending on length of stay and depth of purse, £10 for personal bed-maker should be enough. For your hostess, offer a book, flowers, a bottle (of champagne if you are as well-off as she sounds) or chocolates (Fortnum’s, not Tesco’s).
I have recently started dating a new man, having come out of a long-term relationship. We seem to get on very well. However, on every one of the seven or so occasions that we have been out we have split the cost of everything down the middle, with the exception of one occasion when I insisted on paying. I consider myself a modern girl, and am happy to pay my way, but feel this situation lacks romance. I can’t remember the rules when starting out on a new relationship, and hate talking money. What should I do?
Olivia, London
Well, call me old-fashioned, but I reckon the chap should pay first time he takes out a girl. After that, it is a matter for mutual tact and generosity. The man who insists on always paying for everything can be patronising and irritating. Part of good manners is to know how to accept a present gratefully, discreetly, and without making a song and dance about it.
This is not your problem. But friendship and dating are not principally about petty accountancy over bills. Your chap may be skint. He may think that you earn more than him. He may be absent-minded or badly brought up. At least you are going Dutch. When he starts wanting you to pay for everything, and asks whether you have made your will, you had better take another look at it. In the meantime, be pleased that you are getting on well with your new date. Good luck.
My wife and I are often invited to join some friends at a local restaurant. However, these groups are often made up of people with larger appetites and bank balances than us. We often find that the group’s consensus is that the bill is to be divided up equally based on the number of persons rather than what they consumed. This results in our modest meal becoming a much more expensive event. Should we speak up for ourselves or let politeness prevail and accept our designated share of the bill?
Stuart Bayley-Dainton, Bromley, Kent
The latter, I think. Unless you are monstrously outmatched in appetite and purse by your friends (which I do not believe), we are not talking about a vast sum. If you really are dining out with Flaming Ferraris at Petrus, I should change my dining companions and restaurant. What you need is a sensible Chancellor of the Exchequer to divide the bill at the end of the meal. If s/he is any good, and sober, and sensible, she will say: ‘Forty quid will cover you two, Stuart. You didn’t have aperitifs or brandy, did you?’ But the calculation should be left to the Chancellor. To start arguing about your share of the bill after dinner looks petty.
Three years ago I was part of the parents’ board of my child’s kindergarten, as the treasurer. After one year, I left the board and no replacement was named immediately so I could not hand over the money (about €200). I was later asked to hand the money over to the director, and I thought I asked my husband to do it while I was on holiday. To my horror, I have just discovered that I never did: the cash is still in one of my drawers. One and a half years later, no word has ever been said to me about this again (and my child still attends kindergarten there), but I feel it could be taken that I acted (or intended to act) dishonestly. How can I bring the cash back without crashing my reputation?
Eugenia Kothe, Idstein, Germany
By explaining straightforwardly what has happened, as you have in your letter. Honesty is the best policy, in social embarrassments, as in matters of money. I should make an appointment to see the head teacher after school, and explain, as you hand over the money. You could do this by letter. But a personal meeting makes contrition for your carelessness more obvious. Cheer up. Such a cock-up could happen to any of us. Nobody is going to accuse you of grand larceny. But clear up the muddle today.
Help! I am going out with a new friend for drinks and the cinema. What are the dos and don’ts? Is it appropriate for me to pay? Or could it be seen as patronising? We are both in our forties.
Santo Bruno, via e-mail
It is perfectly OK for the man to offer to pay on this first outing, providing that he does it modestly, and not as though he is King Cophetua bestowing his bounty on the beggar girl. Greeks (my mother is Greek) are particularly bad at insisting on paying. Although done with generous intentions, this can seem patronising and irritating. Just say: ‘I should like to pay for our first outing.’ If she objects, give in gracefully and gratefully.
My sister, who is in permanent financial trouble, has recently borrowed money again from me and other family members in order to keep up with her family’s ‘position in life’. For years, she and her husband have clearly not been able to live up to the status that they supposedly have. While their children attend an expensive private school so as to be close to rich people, they are laden with debt and sometimes are not able to pay even their telephone bills. I am not willing to go on financing this, because not even my child attends a private school, but she is still my sister and prone to take offence. How can I talk to her?
Name and address withheld
Just explain to her that you cannot afford to bail her out. Of course, we do what we can to help our sisters and brothers with their shortage of that painful and banausic necessary, money, but only when we have a surplus of the stuff, and can lend it without damaging our own lives and the lives of our children. Let us not fall out with our family over their peculiarities, their snobbish and ambitious lifestyles, or their general fecklessness. It is sometimes better to give rather than to lend, with no prospect of having the loan returned. Let us be generous, when we can afford to be. But let us be honest and good-humoured with our relations, with a touch of humour if we can manage it, in the hope that they will act that way to us and our little foibles.
If someone is taking their kids out for a pizza and offers to take yours along too, should you give your kids money to pay, or expect that if they’ve been invited they will be paid for? If it was grown-ups everyone would divvy up equally, but I’m not sure what the etiquette is with kids.
Monica Prior, Shrewsbury
I think that the solution, if one of your children is old enough, is to give her/him a note. And tell her/him to offer it to the host when the bill comes. This teaches the child good manners, economics and grown-up behaviour. If the friend who is taking the children out is worth her anchovies, she will reply: ‘No, no, Harry. Thank you very much. But this is on me. You can pay next time.’ It makes Harry feel that he is being treated as a grown-up.
Is it bad manners to be over-generous? I have a friend who is not short of a bob or two. Whenever we are out in company, he likes to flaunt his money. He will order bottles of champagne for everyone, and when it is someone’s birthday he will buy them a very lavish present even if he does not know them well. Everyone thinks he is an incredibly generous person – but I find his behaviour rather vulgar.
J. T., Canonbury
The urge to exceed one’s fellows in splashing out is a heroic kind of showing off. And I guess you could describe it as a form of bad manners. It is heroic in that it was practised by Ancient Greek heroes, who wanted to come top in heroic giving as well as in killing. And indeed, if it is done merely for ostentation, it is childish. However, generosity is a virtue in receiving as well as giving. The magnanimous and generous benefactor distributes his/her bounty inconspicuously. Yet we should accept other men’s champagne in the spirit that we hope it is given.
I would like to know your guidelines for tipping. My wife says I tip too much and too often. I tip anyone who gives me good service, including tow-truck operators and plumbers. Is there a time when giving a tip is not appropriate?
John Hoss, Santa Barbara, California
Tipping is a vestige of the Middle Ages, when nobs tossed coins to the peasants. Today it is a way of rewarding good service from those whom we suspect of being poorly paid. It creates an unhealthy relationship between the provider and the recipient of a service. Americans are traditionally good (excessive?) tippers. I am not sure that London cabbies are less well paid than the rest of us, but I still tip them. In the UK, some service providers are offended by a tip. Plumbers (richer than most of us anyway) and roadside assistance people all see themselves as professionals and so may find it patronising. Tip with generosity, but without hauteur. The world will be a better place when everybody is paid a living wage.
My neighbours have just moved house. I congratulated them, and asked how much they had sold their old house for. They refused to tell me. And their outrage indicated that they considered me rude. Was I?
R. M., London
Not according to neomanners. But possibly according to old-fashioned parents’ manners. Money used to be one of the great unmentionables in public discourse, like sex. Many Britons are still reluctant to let on how much they earn, for fear of arousing envy (probably their own). Perhaps you should have phrased your question more obliquely. In any case, you can find the answer – either from your neighbours’ estate agent or from the Internet.