One of my sisters-in-law has a habit that I find intensely annoying. She and her family arrive on our doorstep without any prior warning just as we are about to sit down for Sunday lunch. They will then either sit around us while we eat or repair to the sitting room to watch TV. Am I really being churlish in finding this grossly impolite?
Anonymoses, Felsted
Not churlish, but perhaps a bit intolerant of your extended family. I think that it is impolite and thoughtless of sister-in-law to drop in uninvited, especially at Sunday lunchtime. Especially since she must sense that it irritates you. But different tribes have different manners. Autres temps, autres mœurs. We should be lonely indeed if people were scared to drop in on us unannounced. Try to think of your sister-in-law’s unexpected visitations as a compliment.
How can I get my graceless grandchildren to thank me for their Christmas presents?
M. H., Reading
Give them a stamped envelope addressed to yourself? Set them a good example by sending them loving messages. They do not need to be long. Picture postcards can do wonders. Thank-you letters do not have to be long. ‘Dear Granny, WOW’ will do. Good luck. You are not alone.
What is the form on ending unwanted calls from a friend’s crotchety awkward mother?
Graziella Prego, San Remo
We all get importunate, mad and angry phone calls, sometimes. Well I do, sometimes. I say: ‘Calm down … let me speak … calm down … I have to work … please … write to me … write to the Editor … calm down. I shall put the phone down … I really will put the phone down.’ Then I put the phone down. Regretfully and rudely. But it is sometimes necessary to be rude, in the interests of efficiency and sanity.
On Saturday evening my sister-in-law and her partner unexpectedly decided to stay. I asked my husband if they should have our bedroom and we would sleep in the sitting room. My husband said no. At 8 a.m. on Sunday I could hear them talking downstairs. I woke my husband and asked him to get up with me to make them breakfast. He said we should leave them to have a lie-in. Should they have had our bedroom? Should I have left them to a later hour on Sunday morning?
Elaine Baynes, Bishop’s Stortford
Your weekend sounds as badly named and stressful as that old film, Quiet Weekend. It depends on your house, your husband, your sister-in-law, her partner, your domestic routines. I would have let them have my bedroom. Then they could get up when they wanted, and I could then cook them a delicious fry-up. But then, I am an early riser and a Grecian host.
What can an (admittedly not so genteel) teenager do about a hypocritical father? My father is forever going on about keeping one’s mouth shut while eating, and not talking while eating. It is deeply ironic that he doesn’t follow his own rules. Please advise me. I find it very hard not to lose my cool.
Anonymoses, Never Never Land
It is the privilege of fathers to teach their sons the manners of the tribe. Inadequate fathers do not follow their own prescriptions. (We are all inadequate fathers.) It is the duty of sons to listen to the prescriptions of their fathers without losing their cool. And to remember that one day we may be fathers ourselves, trying to do the best for the young lions coming up behind us. Keeping one’s mouth shut while eating, and eating tidily, not voraciously, are minor skills of civilised behaviour. They come easier to some appetites and structures of mouth than others. All that really matters is to eat without disgusting or annoying one’s companions. Tolerate the stupidity of your old man. Bon appétit.
My mother – who is eighty-one and who I dearly love to speak to – telephones me most Sundays between 8.45 a.m. and 9.15 a.m. My children have both left home partly, though not exclusively, as a result of these extremely early calls. My wife, who has put up with me for thirty-two years, is thinking of returning to live with her mother largely as a result of being woken up by the calls.
Max Lewis, Tunbridge Wells
I think you live luxuriously in Tunbridge Wells to be still abed at 8.45 on a Sunday. My household is awake and screaming and barking by dawn on any day of the week, including Sunday. If mother still persists in early calling, you have to make the supreme sacrifice for the sake of your wife and children. Get a mobile phone with ear pieces. Plug yourself into it on Sunday mornings, so that mother’s call rouses only you. But it sounds to me as though the Sunday calling is merely a symptom of impatience with granny rather than a sensible reason for leaving home.
When my niece, aged twenty, visits us with her father and younger brother, she makes no effort at conversation. She will sit reading, ignoring the rest of us, unless you speak to her. I think that it is rude to visit someone and then not make any effort. Should I point this out to her before she visits again, because others will definitely stop inviting her if she carries on like this?
Mrs Anonymoses, Anonywhere
I should approach your niece gently, by indirections, not with guns blazing about rudeness. She is only twenty. We learn the social manners of the tribe at different speeds. Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. Our duty as family is to love the family, warts and all. To educate the young in the manners of the tribe. To appreciate their virtues and humour their flaws. The socially confident must include the awkward with love and patience.
My parents-in-law are moving abroad and have, despite my kind refusals, insisted on passing their many crockery sets to us. I finally accepted the crockery with the intention of either giving it away or keeping it. Now they have started complaining about the way I am storing ‘their’ crockery. I consider this not to be their business anymore. Should I give them the crockery back?
Daniela Kuehn, Germany
No. We must be tolerant of the crotchets and crockery of our elders, especially our parents-in-law. In their own eyes, they are being generous. You must be generous and understanding back. Perhaps you could substitute some of their plates for yours when they next visit, even though superfluity of crockery may be a nuisance. Like many older people, they do not like letting go. You must persuade them that you love their crockery almost as much as you love them. Once they have moved, you can revert to the crockery you prefer.
My mother, who is about to be ninety and lives alone in Spain, is throwing a birthday party at a small boutique hotel for around sixty family members and guests. It is something that she has planned carefully for the past twelve months and she is very excited about the occasion. The family group includes my two daughters and her two great-grandchildren – one thirteen and one two-year-old boy. My mother has made it clear that it would not be possible for ‘the baby’ to attend because of the nature of the venue. The mother of the toddler, my daughter, is making a big issue of not being allowed to take her son and says I am being disloyal to her. I’ve told my daughter to speak to her grandma about the issue and ask her opinion, but she won’t. I can see a big scene happening on my mum’s special night. It is giving me cold sweats thinking about what to do.
Cheryl Sapcote, Birmingham
This is your mother’s party, and she has a right to organise it how she wants. You must not let your daughter bully or blackmail you, or spoil the great tribal corroboree. Of course she should speak to her grandmother about her problem about not bringing her little boy. Do not let your daughter ruin the occasion. It is your mother’s, not hers. Speak honestly and lovingly to your daughter. It is not a matter of loyalty but of tribal good manners. If she won’t talk to granny about it, better not to come. But, of course, being a granny means that one understands the selfishness of the young. It is possible that your mother might bend her rules if she were told about the sticky situation. But, if not, tough. For Heaven’s sake don’t have cold sweats. This is not your feud or responsibility. Have a lovely day. Our little dogs bark, but the caravan moves on.
My brother has been left out of my father’s will. They fell out seriously on more than one occasion and it seems that he changed his will accordingly. His estate has now been split equally between myself and my sister. My sister and I have decided to sell my father’s house and have discussed whether to give a share of the proceeds to my brother. I am in favour, but my sister thinks this would have been against my father’s wishes (although I am tempted to conclude that this may be because she wants to keep a larger share and she doesn’t like my brother much either!).
Name and address withheld
Nothing embitters family relations as much as money, wills and all that. I applaud your generous wish to share your inheritance with your disinherited brother. You are no longer bound by your father’s ungenerous wishes. Wherever he is now, he is not going to object. I should tell your sister that it is not a question of liking or disliking your brother, but of elementary family justice. The Napoleonic Code on the Continent makes such bitter legacies illegal. Tell your sister that you have a moral obligation to share your inheritance with your brother. And that whatever she decides, you are going to split your share with him. Show them both an example of tribal generosity. You may even make them nicer people.
Until last year my parents lived 200 miles away, and we saw each about four times a year. They have recently moved and are now forty-five minutes away. I enjoyed not having my parents on my doorstep (please don’t get me wrong, I love my parents very much) but now we are being asked on a weekly basis to put them up as they are in the area seeing old friends. Is it their payback time?
Name and address withheld
We have a primal duty to look after our parents, just as they looked after us when we were small and helpless. This does not mean that we are obliged to put them up every weekend. We must try to make our meetings a mutual pleasure rather than payback. Let us be honest with them, and explain why it is not possible to see them this weekend. You are not being selfish. Looking after one’s parents in their old age distinguishes humans from other brutes. With patience and good humour we must try to have a loving relationship with our old mums and dads.
My daughter, my wife and her cousin get together once a year for a girls’ weekend, mainly for talking. The cousin’s new sister-in-law now wants to be included. Our daughter does not like her and, while polite at family functions, doesn’t want her to affect the intimacy of the gathering. How do they gently exclude her?
Name and address withheld
With difficulty. It is extraordinarily pushy of the new sister-in-law to attempt to intrude on such a private girlies’ weekend. But let that pass. Studied vagueness might do it. ‘What a nice idea. We’ll let you know about the date and place.’ You could try a joke? ‘Our club is as exclusive as the Garrick. There is a waiting list of thirty years.’ No? Probably, as so often, plain honesty is the best policy. ‘Clarissa. This is a very private occasion between very old friends. There will be other opportunities for family get-togethers. But we want to keep this weekend for our select old-girls’ company.’ It is a hairy situation, however you look at it, but there is no reason that you should be bullied or morally blackmailed into including somebody you dislike or don’t want to spend a weekend with.
How does one deal with a family member who insists on being officious, always quoting rules for this and regulations for that?
I. B., Herts
With magnanimity. Some people love rules. Here lies the metaphorical distinction between Cavaliers and Roundheads. We must put up with the officiousness of our family and friends, in the hope that they will be equally tolerant of our irritating little ways. A sense of humour, and of irony, helps.
A couple of years ago my two sisters-in-law fell out. Sister A moved away. Sister B now keeps asking for A’s address. I have offered to forward a letter from Sister B to Sister A. Both are in their eighties, and I feel like piggy-in-the-middle.
J. A. Eastwood, Liverpool
This is a matter of prudence and ethics, not etiket. Without knowing the cast of players, it is impossible to give a ‘correct’ answer to your problem. These are deep waters, Watson, and here are family feuds. But I see no argument in manners and decent family behaviour against giving Sister B Sister A’s address. Surely she is not proposing to go round to slip an asp in her porridge?
My brother’s girlfriend is bossy and very rude. Hitherto, I have been polite to her, mainly because I don’t want to upset my brother. At the same time, I have always deplored hypocrisy, and I’m on the verge of giving her a piece of my mind – not to mention warning him that he’s in danger of turning into a bullied husband figure. What should I do?
Mr Anomie, Anonymousville
I reckon that you have steered the right course so far. There is a lot to be said for gritting one’s teeth and bearing it. It behoves you to make the best of her, for the sake of family peace. The time may come when you simply have to explode. But I salute you for behaving like a loving and unselfish brother. Kindness and good humour do more than bad temper can to soften even the sourest cow.