Should you tell someone if you notice that their flies are open?
Robin Saunders, Warwick
Yes. But you should do so discreetly, by indirections. There are twee euphemisms for conveying the message; I suspect that they have military origins. For example: ‘There’s a star in the East,’ and ‘Are you feeling the draught?’ It is polite to let the poor chap know of his nakedness in the storm of social activity. But it must be done by signals, ambiguities and whispers.
What should you do when someone close to you (like a husband) has a truly awful haircut? There obviously isn’t anything they can do about it straight away, but you don’t want them to make the same mistake next time.
Name and address withheld
Cut his hair yourself? Pay for him to go the smartest local clipper and trimmer? Buy dark glasses? Tell him (gently) he’s had a terrible haircut? Is he proud of it? We have to play these things by ear. But there are worse faults in a husband than terrible haircuts. His hair could all fall out. He could do a Bobby Charlton and comb strands of surviving hair over his bald pate. Be grateful for small tresses.
A grandchild arrived this week and I could not help but remark that, although the name in English was unusual, in another language it meant ‘woodworm’. I have now been sent to Coventry. How do I restart the acquaintance?
Graziella Prego, San Remo
New parents are extremely sensitive about the absurd names they give their children. I have American friends called Lear who have christened their children Shanda, Gondo and Bando. But did I snigger? No. Not perceptibly. I should send little Woodworm a generous welcome present, and be cheerful and friendly with his/her parents until onomastic rage dies down.
How far is it acceptable to challenge fellow passengers on public transport who are being annoying – having very loud conversations, playing with mobile phone ring tones, drumming their feet, whistling? I have occasionally been driven to speak up, then subsided, crimson, into my seat, feeling I was the one at fault. What alternative strategy could you recommend?
Jane Mann, Oxford
When on public transport we are exposing ourselves to the behaviour of the public. But some bad behaviour is so offensive that we have a moral obligation to do something to stop it, or at any rate to register our disapproval. Most of the bad behaviour is caused by young men behaving badly. We do not want to be a killjoy, or to suppose that our behaviour is the only sort acceptable in modern Britain. The coward mutters to himself and seethes. The brave woman speaks up, like a firm but fair headmistress, as you do, and is not ashamed. Most trains have a conductor (or in-carriage senior steward, or whatever the title is) to whom one can appeal in dire emergency. Do not feel embarrassed. How can we train these ignorant and deprived young people in the manners of the tribe unless we speak up?
What do you do with people who say they will help you and then bale out at the eleventh hour – when it’s a relationship you want to keep? How do you teach them to treat you differently?
Name and address withheld
Put it down to experience. Don’t nurse a grudge. Nobody is completely reliable, except possibly you and me, and I’m not sure about me. To teach our friends to behave differently is a problematic exercise. You could tell your friend, politely, that you feel let down. It depends on the friend. Think three times before relying on promises of help from the friend in future. Make allowances for his or her selfishness, as we hope that others will make allowances for ours.
My neighbour’s daughter has recently suffered an ugly divorce. I’d like to send a brief note of support to the daughter, but my friend advises against it. What is your opinion?
Frances Allwood, Wellington, New Zealand
Well, like many of these questions of social behaviour, there is no algebraic algorithm that suits all scenarios and cast lists. But in general I would be in favour of sending a brief note of affection and support. One of the horrors of divorce is the solitude. Many friends and acquaintances drop one or other of the parties, as though the condition of divorce were contagious. I think that you are a good neighbour to think of writing. And I should send a brief note of affection and support, without going into particular details.
A girl at work has come back from ‘holiday’ at least three bra sizes bigger than when she went. She hasn’t mentioned it directly but has been wearing rather tight and low-cut tops. We’ve always been quite friendly, and discussed boyfriends and so on, and I wonder if it would be rude to comment on the change, or whether she might be disappointed if no one notices. Can you advise?
Name and address withheld
If you are as good friends as the playmates in Sex and the City, you would discuss the size of your colleague’s mammaries over the first Manhattan. But few of us are as indiscreet chums as Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and the other one. I should leave the matter of your colleague’s swollen cupsize for her to bring up. It is rude to make personal remarks, especially in England. I should say no more than: ‘Gosh, you are looking well after your hols, Miranda,’ and play it by ear.
If you had a piece of spinach stuck to your front teeth all the way through a dinner party, would you have wanted someone to tell you? I’m never quite sure what the etiquette is about this.
Alice Rodgers, Chippenham, Wiltshire
This is the flies open/zip undone problem. Yes. I should wish to be told, even by a complete stranger. But I should like to be told quickly, kindly and surreptitiously. Friends and partners can semaphore the warning with covert gestures. There are various jocular old buffer codes to warn somebody that his/her flies are undone, such as: ‘Dashed breezy today, what what?’ and ‘You’re flying low, old bean.’
How can we convey to our absolutely delightful au pair that her body odour is a problem? She is otherwise tidy, helpful and everything we could want, but for this one thing. I don’t want to upset her, but it is hard to ignore.
Name and address withheld
I suppose you could drop heavy hints by giving her deodorants. But you are in loco parentis to your au pair. What would you do if you had a teenage daughter with the same problem? It can, of course, be a medical condition. And other cultures have other attitudes to body pong. The Japanese find it repulsive to travel in the crowded Underground or lifts, because of the body smell of the Western commuters, which we hardly notice. I think that you would have a gentle heart-to-heart with your daughter, and offer to help her. I should treat your au pair in the same way.
I have a gardener who has been coming to my house for some years now. Recently she phoned to say that she was suffering from cancer and is giving up work as a result. I would very much like to ring her to see how she is. I would like her to know I’m thinking of her, but don’t want to look over-the-top, or indeed to serve as a reminder of her illness. Should I send a card, or flowers, or phone her, or do nothing at all? I don’t want it to look as if I’ve abandoned her now she no longer works for me.
Name and address withheld
I should drop her a friendly postcard, with news of yourself and your garden, in the first instance. She is an old acquaintance, and sort of friend, as well as your erstwhile gardener. It is natural not to want to seem to be prying. In fact, in most of the many trials of life, we suffer from loneliness rather than interference. None of us has so many gardeners or friends that we can afford to neglect them or let them run to seed.
My friend’s husband drinks and smokes too much, which must be very bad for his health – he is very overweight, and has a terrible cough. She has never mentioned anything about this; in fact she seems quite unconcerned. Would it be wrong to ask her out separately and ask her about it?
Name and address withheld
Well, it wouldn’t be exactly wrong. But it could be decidedly pushy. It really isn’t your business. You should handle this, if you decide to interfere, with the finest of kid gloves. You must avoid the aggressive self-righteousness of monomaniacs such as ASH. We are all mortal. If we do not die of smoke and drink it will be of something else, probably more unpleasant.
There are many places where excessive perfume is out of place, for example swimming pools and where there are assigned seats with no possibility of escaping. It is surely as inhumane as smoking to subject strangers to chemical pong, which one suspects of masking the lack of a proper wash. What is an acceptable way of suggesting to a heavily perfumed person that soap and water produce a better effect?
Rod Dalitz, Edinburgh
I see no way of making such a suggestion to a stranger without causing offence. There is an element of olfactory snobbery about this topic. ‘Perfume’ is considered the non-U word. ‘Scent’ is U in England. The terminology does not matter a beagle’s sniff. We have become far more sensitive about pongs than our ancestors, and far more bold about asserting our imagined rights to private space, noise and scents in public. If you can’t stand the scent, you should keep out of the kitchen/swimming pool/concert hall. If you have asthma, a neighbour continually spraying herself with chemical scent can be dangerous as well as irritating. But do not snort into Smell Rage. Who ventures out in public must be prepared to put up with public pongs. Caveat nasus as well as caveat olfactor.
My friend has been seen reading a recently published tabloid newspaper. Is there a diplomatic way of making him aware of his faux pas?
Chris Bateman, Nottingham
No. You would be presumptuous to come between your chum and his chosen newspaper. You would be snobbish to assume that tabloid necessarily means inferior. The Times was originally a tabloid. So were its successors and imitators. Broadsheets were invented for gents to read at leisure in leather armchairs in their clubs in order to have something to grunt about over lunch. That world has gone. We need a paper that is easier to read in the rush hour that modern life has become. The contents are what matter, not the format.
I have a friend with whom I go to the pub fairly regularly. I’ve noticed that he has started walking in an odd way, going out of his way to step on particular paving stones, or touching the same spots on the wall. I assume this is some sort of a superstitious routine but it worries me a bit. Would it be wrong to mention it?
Name and address withheld
Not wrong, provided that you mention it in a friendly, humorous way. Only the sternest philosophers have no such foibles and superstitions. Sportsmen are absurdly superstitious with such tricks. There is a natural childishness and playfulness in human nature that makes us perform meaningless rituals. You should worry only if your chum regularly falls over after his visit to the pub with you.
The Advent carol service in the cathedral was ruined for me by a barrel-chested baritone in a mac. He sang every word of every hymn at a decibel level verging on pain. I longed to pass him a note: ‘Do you do mezza voce too?’ But didn’t. Should I have?
R. Anniss, Winchester
No. Let the organ thunder. While the choir, with peals of joy, doth rend the air asu-u-u-u-under. Carol services are jollier sung fortissimo. Pianissimo is depressing. In any case, the decibels are matters for the choirmaster and the dean, not members of the congregation.
I recently hosted an affair for the first time for a political committee I was elected to just last month. It was a small group of eight people. After the party I realised that several pieces of cutlery and a Waterford ashtray were missing. I cannot imagine who would have done such a thing. Should I mention it to the president of the committee or let the matter die and be smarter next time?
Name and address withheld
How well do you know the president of the committee? If well, you could mention it without demanding restitution. It is a poor show if we cannot trust colleagues in our own homes. Are we sure about the facts? I am quite capable of losing cutlery and ashtrays without having them nicked. But let us assume the worst. And let us not deploy any implements that we cannot afford to lose next time. We cannot go through life suspecting the worst of our colleagues. We must hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and try not to have things that we cannot bear to lose.
I have a dear, longstanding friend, who has – to be frank – rather let himself go. He never seems to change his clothes these days (he loves to wear the same old cardigan, which is now full of holes), rarely shaves, and quite obviously has not had a haircut for many months. How can I sensitively broach the subject of his appearance?
Name and address withheld
Tread softly, for you may be treading on hidden grief or despair. But it may also be slovenliness or penury. One man’s cardigan full of old holes is another man’s comfortable old friend. I dare say that to my snappily dressed friends I may appear a bit of a scarecrow. Samuel Johnson, the secular patron saint of England, was notoriously badly dressed, with holes and stains on his clothes. This did not stop him being one of the most loveable men who ever spilled egg down his weskit. Cherish your friend. Give him a new cardigan for Christmas. The wrappings do not matter as much as the inward man.
While I was in a cinema waiting for a film to start, the person sitting next to me answered her phone. When she finished her call, she put the phone back in her bag without switching it off. Should I have reminded her, tactfully, to switch it off before the film began, or was it none of my business?
Harry Fox, Nottingham
It was your public duty to remind your neighbour that she had forgotten to switch off her little puppet-master machine. It would avoid embarrassing her and annoying the audience if it went off with the ‘William Tell Overture’ during an emotional passage of the film. But the reminder should be done politely, with good humour, and not grumpily or as an accusation. She should be grateful to be reminded.
A friend of mine is in a pop group which isn’t very good. He keeps inviting me to their concerts, which are usually very poorly attended. I have run out of excuses to avoid going and I basically want to tell him not to give up his day job, which he is thinking of doing to focus on a career in music. I think this would be a big mistake. How should I break it to him gently that he has no talent?
M. W., Oxford
It is not your business to tell him that he is no good as a pop singer. You might even be wrong in your opinion. You go to his concerts because he is your friend, not because he is in U2. We all support our friends in their endeavours for the sake of friendship. Let the hard school of life and other lesser critics convince him that he is not Bono. These are occasions when economy with the critical truth is the generous act. And the cold truth is unkind.
In a recent answer you wrote that there are occasions for economy with the truth. Does this apply when you are staying at a friend’s or relative’s house for a week or more on a bed that is as uncomfortable as a park bench? On the first morning I was asked: ‘Did you sleep well?’ I said ‘Yes’, which produced a smile of satisfaction from my host. Should I have told the truth?
David Griffiths, Bromley, Kent
I think this was an occasion for irony and mild humour. The truth is a naked lady who might well shock those to whom she is presented unexpectedly. It would have been rude to complain about it, even obliquely. I should have done as you did, as a polite friend, and told a white lie or phrop. But if I had been staying for a week, I might have tried to organise myself a more comfortable mattress, from cushions and a lilo.
Can I complain about my neighbour’s baby? I live in a block of flats and my neighbours above have a newborn baby who is loud enough to keep me awake. If they were playing music at the same volume, I’d have no hesitation about complaining.
David Caborn, London
I fear that you must groan and bear it. Since the wails of your new baby neighbour are unquenchable, what remains but to acquiesce with silence, as in the other insurmountable distresses of humanity? We retard what we cannot repel; we palliate what we cannot cure. I am kept awake by police sirens: is their noise really necessary? And barking foxes, as they raid the black bags from pizza houses. The important thing is not to fret or rage. Keep calm. It’s only a baby. He or she may know something about the wicked world that we have forgotten.
Recently I found myself in a position where I felt that I ought to correct someone’s use of French. A brief phrase can escape comment, but when the utterer writes it down and it contains a schoolboy error then I need to know how to correct him without appearing just a little bit pompous. Bien à vous.
Paul Norris, Allery, France
Judicious Jerome, patron of pedants! This is an eternal conflict between precision and pomposity. It depends upon how well you know the errant virtual schoolboy. It is also un peu presumptuous of an Englishman living in France to lay down the law about correct French. I would put right a member of the family or a dear friend, if I was absolutely sure that I was right, in the hope that they would do the same for me. But my inclination would be to keep my head down behind the parapet. Eschew self-righteous Schadenfreude.
If I were to inadvertently break silent but noisome wind in a lift should I own up to the infelicity?
Robert Randell, London
I applaud your honesty, but do not see how it would work. You cannot say: ‘By the way, I am responsible for that fart. Sorreee.’ The best way to treat such awful situations is with what a former foreign secretary happily described as ‘total ignoral’. We should control our eating and bodily functions so that this does not happen. If only we could live up to our desires. The Earl of Oxford (Edward de Vere), making his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth I, happened to let out a fart at which he was so abashed that he went to travel abroad for seven years. At his return, the Queen welcomed him home and said: ‘My Lord, I had forgot the fart.’ To fart in a crowded lift is rank bad manners and antisocial.
My friend has just parted from her boyfriend. Should I congratulate her on the lines of: ‘He wasn’t right for you’?
R. I. L., Cheltenham
Artful Aphrodite! Be careful. Love moves in mysterious ways. Who can tell whether they will get back together? Be warm and loving, but unspecific. Consolatory but not congratulatory. If you make comments of any sort on her ex, you are giving a hostage to fortune.
The well-endowed young woman in front of me in the shop queue seemed, because of an inadequate bodice, about to bare all. It really was a tense moment for those of us behind her. Should I, as tactfully as possible, have said something, and, if so, what?
Mary Duly, Checkoutburgh
Easier for you than me to do so. There is a moral duty in etiket to warn strangers about dangers. But having one’s boobs pop out of one’s bodice in the checkout queue is not a danger, more a temporary embarrassment. I should not have interfered.