What is the correct etiquette for a lady who spent a lovely evening with a charming young man, and would like to repeat the experience? Is modern man frightened or flattered by a woman who makes the first move?
Name and address withheld
Depends on the modern man. But the Victorian pretence that young ladies always left it to young men to initiate romantic meetings was absurd. We live in the age of equal opportunities. Provided that the first move is made with delicacy and humour, I see no objection and several advantages in the woman taking the lead – as she usually has to in dancing.
I’m in love with my flatmate’s ex-boyfriend and he says he’s in love with me. She doesn’t know anything about it, and I’ve told him I can’t go out with him because she will go crazy. She is not one of my best friends – in fact she is a terrible flatmate, she never does the washing up – but I’ve known her for ever and I really don’t want to upset her. What should I do? I’m even thinking of going and working abroad for a year.
Name and address withheld
For heaven’s sake, dear girl, cool it. To go abroad for a year is not going to solve anything. As the poet Horace puts it: ‘Post equitem sedet atra Cura’ – ‘Black care is in the seat behind you on easyJet.’ Love and friendship are not always (often? ever?) compatible bedfellows. You have to decide. You are being very honourable to worry so much about the feelings of your old but not best friend, and terrible flatmate. But you must be straight with her. Love matters even more than friendship, and certainly much more than flat-sharing and social embarrassment.
Is it acceptable to propose to a separated (but not formally divorced) woman? If so, what gift would be appropriate?
Name and address withheld
Of course it is acceptable to propose to a separated woman. But you cannot marry her until she is divorced. And you had better approach her warily, since we do not know the state and conditions of her separation. Or her desires. And no present is appropriate until you hear her answer. If she accepts you, a ring is the usual present, first time round. I see no objection to a second engagement ring.
I had a flirtation with a guy at a party in Dublin when I was there over the new year. Now he has come to London and is obviously hoping to take things further but, to put it frankly, he doesn’t fit in with my life and friends here. I’ve tried not returning his calls but he is being very persistent. How can I explain that it wasn’t the start of something big?
Name and address withheld
By being straightforward. Flirtation is about pretence. Life is for real. If your Dublin flirt refuses to take your hints, you have to lay it on the line. It is far kinder to explain your feelings and situation now than to keep him dangling. This is one of the scaly jobs that women rather than men have to do. You may have to take him for a drink – with another friend, if he is that importunate. And tell him kindly but firmly that a flirtation is only a game.
I have been with my boyfriend for around six months now and we are very happy together. One thing is driving me mad though – just before we started going out, I had a (very) brief fling with someone who is at the edge of our circle of friends. This man keeps turning up at events when I am with my boyfriend and when my boyfriend is out without me, and I am worried that he will let slip about our liaison. I am not sure whether to tell my boyfriend and risk him being upset/jealous, in order to save him being embarrassed by finding out from someone else, or just to leave it, and hope for the best. I want to be honest with him, but I have a sinking feeling that he will be upset if I tell him, even though we weren’t dating when I had the fling.
Name and address withheld
Secrets and lies destroy relationships. I vote for telling the boyfriend. But all these delicate affairs are leaps in the dark. If the boyfriend is fond of you, he cannot blame you for what happened before you met him. On the other hand, nothing is more irrational than sexual jealousy. But it is far better to tell him about your past brief fling now, than to have him find out about it by accident, and blame you for your secrecy. We need to learn to treat our lovers as grown-ups, not possessions or hostages to fortune. I should tell him. Not in a heavy way, but generously, openly and humorously.
I have heard that in English polite society spouses turn a blind eye to their partners’ philandering. Is this really still the case, and if so do you think it is still relevant today?
Name and address withheld
It is said that the serious aristocracy have always taken a more relaxed attitude to sexual adventure than the puritanical middle classes. Self-righteous puritanism as well as reckless hedonism is part of the English character. And certainly royals, from Henry VIII and Charles II to their modern descendants, have engaged enthusiastically in extramarital philandering. They have more opportunity, more time, more money and more (hem! hem! alleged) sexual glamour. Without philandering you would lose half of literature and drama. Whether it is still ‘relevant’ today, I could not possibly say, but it remains part of our fallen human state.
A young man at the office keeps on asking me out. He is not my type. How can I explain this to him with correct etiquette and without hurting his feelings?
A. A. F., London
With tact. With difficulty. But with good humour. The convention in the Victorian romances used to be that the young woman said something like: ‘O Roderick, you have paid me the greatest compliment that a man can pay a woman. But it cannot be. (Optional: My heart is given elsewhere).’ Wipes away tear. And the young man goes off to join the Foreign Legion or these days Oxfam. Honesty now solves misunderstanding and mess later. Just tell him simply and generously how you feel. It is your life. And you must control it.
My best friend’s husband fancies me. I still want to speak to my friend. What should I do?
Utopiana, Utopia
Take pains not to fancy your BF’s husband. Avoid being left alone in intimate situations with him. Try to divert him with humour. Are you sure of your diagnosis of his fancy? Some men are extraordinarily clumsy in their conversation and approaches to the opposite sex. They consider themselves by definition irresistible. On no account mention your suspicions (if that is what they are) to your best friend. To betray one’s best friend with her husband is very bad behaviour, and usually brings grief and pain all round.
My partner is a wonderful man except when he’s sloshed. When we are at parties, he staggers about making sexist or lewd remarks and racist jokes. I am mortified and enraged. He refuses to leave, so I have taken to walking out. When he is sober and we discuss the matter, he is remorseful but it doesn’t prevent it happening again. I know this is an awful way to treat him and our friends but I don’t know what else to do. Is it unfair to leave our friends to deal with him?
Name and address withheld
Young men do get drunk and behave badly. To do so regularly and predictably is infantile and boring. To walk out on him in his drunken mode is understandable, but you are slightly doing a Pontia Pilate and washing your hands. And you are dumping the problem on your friends. You must help him to grow up and behave better, without becoming his probation officer. Enlist the help of your friends to ration his intake. Show him gently what a pain he becomes to you and your friends. He will not change overnight. He has to struggle to become a sensible drinker, and he needs your help.
My boyfriend (he is fifty-five, I am fifty) turned up four days before Christmas completely empty-handed. Wouldn’t it have been good manners for him to bring a card or flowers at the least? I left it till he was leaving to give him his present in case he suddenly remembered he’d left it in the car. So I was in a dilemma: should I not have given him his? I don’t think he will be the boyfriend for much longer.
Christina, Hopeville
Absolute Aphrodite, Goddess of Love! You did right. Love is an overpowering goddess, not an exercise in reciprocal accountancy. Traditionally women are better than men at presents and anniversaries. Does this arise from atavistic memories of the Stone Age, when men were out hunting and gathering, and the women stayed at home knitting socks? Or is it mere male selfishness? Who are we to say? Forgetting to bring you a Christmas present was feckless, reckless, useless and rude. These are male characteristics. No? But they should not rule him out completely as a boyfriend. You should consult your heart rather than your pride and your purse over such an important matter as a romantic relationship.
My husband had an affair with a woman who lives a few miles away and with whom I mixed regularly at social events. I now dread seeing her and have dropped all links with organisations where she might be involved. The question is how should I behave if I meet her?
Anonymissus, Anonywhere
With sangfroid and traditional British stiff upper lip. She is the one who ought to feel embarrassed. You must not let unhappy history disrupt the even tenor of your life. March bravely forward with a smile.
I have recently proposed to my girlfriend. She has intimated before that she would like a full church wedding with all the trimmings. I couldn’t really think of anything worse. I would like us to get married overseas and then have a party for friends and relations when we get back. How can I suggest this to my fiancée without provoking the first argument of our engagement?
David Huckerby, Enfield
By talking it over with her in an irenic rather than an indignant or self-pitying way. It is traditionally the function of the bride and her parents to arrange the wedding. I think that a loving and generous prospective bridegroom should swallow his prejudice and let the fiancée decide on her wedding. Explain your feelings. But say that of course hers count even more.
My problem is that my wife is a do-gooder. I don’t say this in any derogatory way – quite the contrary. She is also a nicer person than I am. We are both in our eighties and she spends her day going to old people’s homes where she talks to the inhabitants. My nagging problem is whether in our seventh age I too should not be more of a do-gooder. I must confess that the thought dismays me.
Martin Hasseck, London
Well, I think that you are doing just fine. You are setting us all an example by still being together as octogenarians. You are different and have different interests. So what is wrong with that? Nothing wrong with do-gooding either. Old people can be as interesting as the young. Homo sum: humani nil a me alienum puto; I am a human being: I count nothing human as uninteresting. I suspect that your wife visits old age homes not because it makes her feel virtuous, but because she enjoys it. Carry on enjoying life. Go with your wife on her visits occasionally. You might enjoy yourself. You might learn something.
The day before my recent birthday, my spouse mentioned that he wanted to buy me a present (a CD), which I had no particular interest in. The following day, the gift he desired turned up as my birthday present. How should I respond?
Elizabeth Grandler, Brisbane
I am not sure that I fully understand the plot. Had you told your spouse that you were not interested in this CD? Are you interpreting his unwelcome birthday present as a snide insult? Don’t. That way lies marriage counselling. The polite and generous response to any present, however unwelcome, is gratitude – however insincere. Set him an example in present-giving by giving him something that he really wants, carefully chosen for his birthday.
I am in my early fifties and a few months ago joined a dating agency. I have been ‘out of the game’, so to speak, for some time. I have an opportunity for a date with a lovely lady, and have now become ridiculously nervous about how to proceed. Drinks or dinner? Expensive restaurant or somewhere more relaxed? And what to wear?
T. M., London
I dare say that your date is equally nervous. This is a pretty artificial situation. Let us not make it more artificial by wearing clothes we never otherwise wear, or going to restaurants we would never otherwise patronise. All that you can do in this ‘game’ is be your natural, loveable self. I should wear my interview suit with cheerful tie, and go to my favourite restaurant. I might be inclined to confess my nervousness. Honesty and naturalness are prime virtues. And attractive.
I have been having a lovely time going out with a male friend of mine whom I have known since my school days. A couple of nights ago he took me out to dinner and asked me to marry him. He was, however, more than just a little drunk. I didn’t know what to say as I was not convinced that he meant it. I feel slightly embarrassed about asking him whether he was serious or not. I’d love to say yes, but should I wait for him to ask me again?
J. M., Maidenhead
Dashed tricky. What a delicate situation. Proposing marriage is an alarming act for the propositioner as well as the proposed. I dare say that many young men feel the need for an alcoholic stiffener before popping the question. To say nothing and wait for your young man to propose again could lead to misunderstanding. He might take it as a no. I should raise the matter delicately: ‘Do you remember asking me something the other night, dear?’ I should be honest. But leave him room to withdraw without shame if he was just raving drunk. But in vino veritas. I do not think that he would have proposed even when drunk if the idea had not been salient in his mind. Explain your confusion. But do so without indicating an overwhelming yes. Good luck.
A close female friend of mine recently introduced me to her latest boyfriend. He was rather surprised to meet me, as I had met him the night before at a nightclub quite randomly, where he was dressed up as a woman. They seem to be so in love, but shall I tell my friend that he is a cross-dresser? Or leave it up to him to break the news?
S. M., London
The latter. Definitely. It really is none of our business. You must let your close female friend dance her own dance, and find out about her boyfriend for herself. All else is gossip, and could be interpreted as malicious. Keep mum. Never interfere by look or hint. We do not know why he cross-dresses. It is not our affair.
My girlfriend has invited her ex-boyfriend to stay with us for a week because he is temporarily homeless. Although we get on fine, I am not happy with this arrangement. I have voiced my concerns to her, but she says I am being unreasonable. Am I?
P. T., Devon
Since your girlfriend has already invited her ex to stay, I do not see how you can undo the arrangement without causing offence, grief and row. I think that you have to beat back the green-eyed monster, and demonstrate that you are a loving boyfriend and a good sport. Being in a partnership entails tolerating our partners at times such as this.
I have been invited to dinner at a posh restaurant to meet my boyfriend’s parents for the first time. I am scared. Any advice on how to behave?
Pam R., Guildford
With Prudence. With Decorum. With Charm. And with all those other Graces and Good Fairies who tend to desert us in moments of stress. I should dress beautifully, but not flashily. I should compliment his mother shyly on her costume. I should consult the father on what to eat. Very easy on the drinks. The odds are that they may be disposed in your favour. Your boyfriend likes you, why shouldn’t they? To thine own self be true. Good luck. Bon appétit. Fear not.
While I was on holiday in Egypt by myself, a rather aggressive lady from Serbia decided to target me as the object of her affections. The lady persisted in her vain pursuits for several days until she eventually returned to her homeland. If this happens to me again, should I handle the situation with more tact or diplomacy?
Anonymoses, Nowheresville
Absolute Aphrodite! Queen of the holiday romances. You seem to have managed all right. At least you have returned from Egypt in one piece and fancy free. Most of us would envy your evident fatal attraction for poor moth-like females from Serbia. It should be possible to behave cheerfully and socially without encouraging amorous propensities. But different persons, and, perhaps, different races, have different codes and signals of Eros. I should try to take such advances with good humour, as a compliment, without in any way signalling a come-on. Tricky, I agree.