I am engaged to marry a wonderful woman, who unfortunately does not like my best man. Although he has been my best chum for over eighteen years, she has known him for only three years and finds him rude and inconsiderate. Given their rocky history, she believes I could have chosen someone more ‘appropriate’. Do I stick with him, or withdraw the offer (which I’m sure he won’t be too happy with)?
Name and address withheld
Part of the great leap into the dark of matrimony is to realise that we do not necessarily share best friends with our partner. It would be rude and unkind to withdraw the invitation to your best friend now. It is polite and prudent to consult your beloved about everything else to do with the wedding: preacher, guests, speeches etc. But one of the few choices that the groom can (and should) make for himself is who should be his best man on the great day. He is your best man. He cannot be that rude and inconsiderate since he has remained your chum for eighteen years. Can he? Explain this gently to your beloved. If she is as wonderful as you say, she will understand. Have discreet words with best man to cool it on the great day and suck up to beloved. Good luck.
Having attended two recent family funerals, I note a trend towards elaborate wakes, where food and drink are of high quality and in abundance. Is there an accepted way to acknowledge one’s appreciation? It hardly seems right to thank the next of kin for an excellent meal.
John Burford, Whitby
A letter or telephone call of thanks, depending how close you are to the next of kin. Concentrate on the moving quality of the occasion and how much the Dear Departed would have enjoyed it, rather than the excellence of the food and drink.
My daughter is getting married in April and wishes some friends to attend the church ceremony and the evening but not the daytime reception. I should be grateful if you could confirm the form of wording for us to use.
Liz and Graham Bragg
Tricky. I fear that the most economical method is to have two sets of invitations printed. ‘Mr and Mrs Graham Bragg … and afterwards at…’ for those invited to the daytime reception. And, ‘and at 7.30 p.m. in the Bricklayer’s Arms’ for those invited in the evening. With modern printing, this small change to half your invitations should not be expensive. But there is still considerable scope for sending the wrong invitation to people, and for confusion after the ceremony. Good luck.
What is the most appropriate way to answer a wedding invitation nowadays? I do the following: ‘Miss Elizabeth Kenyon thanks Mr and Mrs So & So for their kind invitation to the wedding of … etc.’ However, every time I write these replies it seems that this is a very stiff and anachronistic form of expression.
Liz Kenyon, address withheld
Wedding invitations are stiff and formal documents. Snobs set much store on whether they are embossed and have gilt edges, so a formal reply on headed writing paper, if you have it, plays the wedding game. ‘Miss Elizabeth Kenyon thanks Mr and Mrs Ziggerbaum for their kind invitation to the wedding of their daughter Isabel on Thursday, April 1, and has great pleasure in accepting.’ Or ‘… but regrets she is unable to accept because of a previous engagement’. To dear friends you may accept less formally.
I shall be fifty later this year and plan to have a large party. I don’t want my friends and relations (outside the very small circle who would give me a birthday present anyway) to feel they ought to. Is there a polite way of saying so? Could one name a good cause instead? And, purely out of curiosity, would your advice be the same in the case of a wedding?
Name and address withheld
It is quite common, acceptable and good form to say ‘No presents, please’ on an invitation to such a party. Or to say ‘No presents, please. But donations to the School Library, if you like.’ Many of your friends will ignore the former injunction. They wish to show their affection. Accept gratefully. You are punctilious to write ‘presents’. ‘Gifts’ is a ghastly modern genteelism. I have never heard of this ‘no presents’ request at a wedding. It would be odd, and a bit ungracious. People want to mark this tribal occasion, even if only with a fish-slice or toast-rack.
Two close friends are planning to marry in the summer, and my wife and I have volunteered to help them as much as possible. The one problem that we cannot find an answer to, so far, concerns the invitations. The bride-to-be’s parents have divorced and both have remarried. The situation is extremely civilised, with the parties remaining in close contact. It is the wording of the invitation that is the problem. Both parties would like to be included with their new prospective spouses – and the bride-to-be would also like that. The father’s surname is McDermott and the mother’s new surname is McKay. I suggested the following: Mr and Mrs McDermott and Mrs and Mr McKay. But everyone is still unsure.
Matthew Langdale, Marlborough
Martinets of etiquette would say that the second spouses have no place on the wedding invitation, since they were not around or, at any rate, not playing an active part in the conception and birth of the bride. Mercifully, our lives are no longer run by martinets of etiquette. Your friend’s parents seem to have divorced in a grown-up way. There is no reason to bar them from the invitation, except that you do not want it to end up as crowded as the football results with a cast of thousands. And you may need to write a Christian name or two in there as well. What about Mr and Mrs Hamish McDermott and Mrs and Mr Isobel McKay?
My partner of twenty-four years died just over a year ago. Since her death I have, unexpectedly, fallen in love with a friend who was widowed eighteen months ago. At some point we feel that we would like to marry. Her wedding ring is admired by us both. Would it be acceptable for us to retain her original ring for our ceremony (which would be in church)?
Richard Leigh Harris, AnonymousVille
There is no legal or religious reason for not recycling a wedding ring for a second marriage, but many would feel uneasy. The symbolism of the ring is of exclusiveness until death us do part, so perhaps you should set your own sentimental symbolism. Me, I would get a new wedding ring for a new marriage.
Some dear friends of mine are getting married next year, and I have been asked to be the best man. Can you advise on any suitable books that I may purchase on giving speeches?
Walter Watley, Birmingham.
No doubt there are dodgy DIY books claiming to teach you how to make speeches like Demosthenes, Cicero or Tony Blair, but I do not think they would be of any use. There are only a few basic rules for making a speech. These do not need a book to teach them.
- Unless speaking comes naturally to you (and if you think it does, it doesn’t) write down carefully word for word what you intend to say.
- Rehearse it, with a watch to time yourself.
- Cut out any bits of your speech that strike you as being particularly fine or funny.
- Five minutes absolute max.
- Avoid lubricity and schoolboy innuendo – your mixed audience will include many oldies who will be offended by rudery.
- Hold your notes as a safety net to refer to. Do not read the notes, unless you get stuck. Speak up, speak slowly, look members at the back of the audience in the eye.
- Do not drink more than one glass of champagne before your speech.
- Sincerity, honesty and love for the couple count for far more than oratorical fireworks.
- The audience are on your side.
- Good luck. You will be just fine.
Is it obligatory to wear a black tie to a funeral?
Peter Brown, Colchester
The black tie is flotsam of the Victorian panoply of death, with plumed black horses drawing the hearse. Not many of the young possess a black tie to go with a lounge suit. In country districts custom takes longer to change. Funerals bring out a village in black ties and even bowler hats. A black, or at any rate subfusc, tie declares mourning respect for the deceased. It may be a suitable occasion for wearing the old school/club/regimental tie that you and the subject of the funeral share. Dress is not the prime factor. Love and support for the immediate family are what matter.
Which is the correct way to address a wedding invitation to a couple who are to be married before our wedding, e.g. Miss A. Other and Mr J. Smith or Mr and Mrs J. Smith?
Bernadette Head, Berkshire
Play this calmly and logically. Are they already married when you send out your invitations? In which case, they are Mr and Mrs Rasmussen. If they are still unwed, they are still, let us say, Miss Longbottom and Mr Cocklecarrot. Have a great wedding and a happy marriage.
If you are invited to a wedding reception by people you don’t know very well and you can’t go, do you still have to send them a present?
Name and address withheld
You don’t have to. But it would be generous to do so. After all, they invited you to their important tribal event. I am told that there are people out there who invite simply anybody from the highways and hedgerows to their marriages, in order to accumulate wedding presents. But surely nobody whom we know does that? The generous and decent act is to give a present to acquaintances who have invited you to their great leap into the dark. It is an obligation not of etiquette but of generosity and goodwill.
My wife and I have received an invitation to a golden wedding reception, accompanied by a card stating ‘positively no presents’, but hoping that we might make a financial contribution to the cost of a painting which the happy couple expect to buy. They have four children with families. We intend to do nothing. But if we exchange notes with fellow guests, we will say that the family members should make the purchase by themselves. What do you think?
P. L., Sussex
I count a financial contribution to a painting as a positive present. There is no obligation to contribute. Many in such circumstances, who possess all the worldly goods that they need, invite contributions to a charity. I should not gossip about the matter with other guests, whatever you decide.
My daughter is getting married in the Caribbean. The ceremony and reception will be held in the garden. We want to keep it all fairly informal, but I would like to know the usual form for the speeches – who toasts who etc., and whether it is appropriate for the hostess and mother of the bride (me) to say a few words?
Bobbie Parker, New York
The usual pattern for speeches after the wedding is for somebody to propose the health of the bride and groom. A godparent, mother or father, or family friend. The bride and groom then cut the cake. The bridegroom (or bride) then replies, thanking everybody in sight, and winds up by proposing the health of the bridesmaids and pages (if any). The best man (woman) then replies on behalf of the bridesmaids, reading out telegrams, with mildly risque jokes. Steady on. Remember Aunt Maud and others who may not find lubricity as funny as you do. But there are no rules. It is up to you (and your daughter). There is an admirable modern fashion for women to speak out. At the last wedding that I went to, in Edinburgh, lots of kilts and pretty damned posh, there were speeches by the godfather, the bride, the best woman, the best man and finally the bridegroom. All excellent. If any speech goes on for more than a quarter of an hour, forget it. Speak well, with love and humour.
My girlfriend and I have been invited to a wedding. The bride is a close friend of my girlfriend but I have met her only briefly, and I don’t know any of the other guests. It is to be a very small gathering, perhaps only ten people. I wonder if I have been invited only out of courtesy and am supposed to decline politely, allowing my girlfriend and the couple’s other close friends to enjoy their intimate gathering without the intrusion of a relative stranger. On the other hand, if the invitation is genuinely intended I should like to attend. What should I do?
Name and address withheld
Well, they invited you. That was a generous invitation, and a compliment to both you and your girlfriend. I shouldn’t scrutinise their invitation for a subtext. Take the invitation at face value. I should go, and put yourself out, and dance at your new friends’ wedding-day. What does your girlfriend say? It is usually advisable to consult her, and do what she says.
I attended a funeral of a friend in a Catholic church. I am Jewish. It was a large congregation, and when the priest invited everyone to pray everybody simultaneously got down on their knees and clasped their hands. Except me. I felt very uncomfortable and that the priest’s eyes were reproaching me. What should I have done?
Standley Fredman, Lytham St Annes, Lancashire
Roman Catholics are more ostentatious in their devotions than Jews or Anglicans. But the priest’s disapproval may only have been a mote in your mind’s eye. Cool Anglicans tend to lean forward in their seats and cover their eyes with one hand when invited to pray. In your shoes, that is what I should have done. After all, Jews and Roman Catholics ultimately claim to worship the same God. I should have shown respect for a different religion thus, without going in for the RC ostentation. You showed loving respect by attending your friend’s funeral. And wherever he is now, he does not mind a jot or tittle about such outward symbolism of prayer.
What is the right thing when you are invited to a party or wedding four or five months ahead of the event? Obviously the hosts want an idea of numbers for the sake of confirming caterers etc., but it seems ridiculous to expect busy people, especially with children, to know exactly what they are going to be doing so far ahead.
Iris Crossley, Reading
Yes, I know the problem. How vexingly OTT efficient to get the invitations out five months in advance. And how out of tune with our modern, here-today-God-knows-where-tomorrow lifestyles. To save everybody’s time and postage stamps, I think that I should delay replying for a month or two, and then accept, if that is what you are going to do. If you know that you cannot go to the wedding, the problem does not arise. You can refuse, with regrets and an excuse, now. If after you have accepted, one of the little disturbances of Life and Children arises to prevent your going to the wedding, you must let them know prontissimo, again with regrets and (brief) explanation.
We are getting married this year. Is it acceptable to put our own names on the invitations rather than parents of the bride? We are, with financial help from all parents, organising the wedding, reception, guest list and sending out the invitations ourselves (acting as hosts?). The parents of the bride are divorced, but that is not an issue.
Name and address withheld
It is acceptable to put your own names on the invitation to your wedding. I have seen it done, though not often. We are slow to break the ancient tradition of the parents of the bride ‘giving’ the wedding, even though we now all chip in. These days, equal opportunities include the opportunity to pick up the bills for the champagne. It would be polite to ask the parents of the bride what they feel on the matter. They might wish to be seen publicly doing the traditional thing for their daughter. If so, it would be the generous thing to consider their wishes. But, if they have no strong feelings about it, go ahead and invite your friends to your own wedding. It is your big day, and you are the hosts. So your proposal is truthful rather than traditional. Truth should often beat tradition.
My niece is getting married on a Friday. I shall have to come to her wedding reception from work. Can I come to the wedding in my office lounge suit, without looking shabby and cheap?
Peter Welchman, Manchester
Wear your best interview suit and a cheerful tie. Put a rose in your buttonhole. The important thing is to turn up.